Prospects on being "friends" and hoping to get back together in a couple years?

[PeteZahut]

Dear Readers,

 

I recently broke up about 1.5 weeks ago with my GF of almost 2 years (it will be exactly 2 years this Thanksgiving).

 

I am 23 yrs old and in my 2nd year of graduate school.

 

She is 18 yrs old and is in her 1st year of undergrad college.

 

She goes to school 7 hours away. We recently broke up after 23 months of being together. Both of us were madly in love with another and still are.

 

The decision to broke up was mine and was made impulsively. However, I had convinced myself several months earlier that:

 

1) the relationship has no future (I cannot ask her to marry me at this point in time though I want to...but we're both too young).

 

2) both of us are at different stages in life...she'll want to date, make new friends, and focus on college...i want to focus on my career options and enter the 'real world' of adulthood...

 

3) that she will want to date other guys and explore the 'sea' and try new things (I was her first...everything and the only guy she has ever loved or been with).

 

4) that staying together is too painful because of the distance...I am unable to visit her due to my own hectic schedule...

 

Furthermore, she has told me that she has a crush on one of her new guy friends and wonders about other possibiliites...in light of this information, I decided to 'cut her loose' in accordance with the old expression that "if you love something, then let it go free...even it comes back, it was meant to be."

 

Needless to say, though I was mentally prepared, I was not emotionally prepared. It's been 1.5 weeks since we broke up...the first several days were hard since I tried to avoid her by not picking up the phone (she would leave messages wanting to get back together).

 

This was difficult because she was/is my best friend and I had no one to really talk to (I've grown distant from my friends due to our own busy lives...and most of my friends are guys who are not the sensitive-type...)

 

So I called her and we talked. We agreed to be friends. Agreed to agree that we still love each other but that we cannot be together.

 

I believe we reached some level of closure. She seems to understand the reasons why we can't be together anymore. However, she still says she loves me and I too love her.

 

Three days ago, she told me that she has an interest in her friend who she believes has a crush on her. She appeared to tell me this in order for me to grant her my blessing so she could pursue him without guilt...

 

Of course, my heart again was broken. I tried to tell her to follow her heart but she said she didn't know what she wants. She knows we cant be together, she knows she still loves me and wants me and wants to get back together, but she also wants to move on...

 

I told her that she might wind up hurting more people if she acts without thinking...but she doesnt seem to care and only wants some comfort...to feel wanted again...I'm afraid she is on the rebound and only wants this other guy because he is very different from me (and is more similar to her...whereas I was her complete opposite in many ways)...

 

But how can I tell her this without appearing jealous? Her new college friends (who do not know me) encourage her to move on with this new guy (a mere several days after we broke up)...her sister (who is a friend of mine) has never approved of our relationship and will probably encourage her to move on...

 

Furthermore, I am now consumed with jealousy. I have become paranoid because she has posted pictures online (on facebook) of her and this new crush...pictures were taken with the camera that I GAVE TO HER as a graduation present...the pictures show her cuddling with him (in the background is our prom picture), they show her tickling him, him holding her hand, wrestling together...all these things that we used to do...

 

These pictures appear to have been taken within the week we broke up...

 

Did I drive her into his arms (literally)? Is there anything I can or should do?

 

Honesty, I'm afraid, will only drive her away and I will lose her as a friendship...I need to stay strong so that she can feel guilt-free about this...

 

I have never loved anyone before...never let myself open up and be close to anyone...she is my first love...the pain I've gone through (and keep going through) is unlike anything I have ever experienced...I want her back so badly...I feel that life is so unfair...

 

I wish that we had met later on in life and fell in love then...

 

I am a practical person and know that I can move on...but I don't want to. I only want her. But I know I cannot have her now...so I wait.

 

My only hope now (which was what keeps me going every day) is that maybe one day we can be together again...maybe one day, we can rekindle what we had and get back together...

 

This day cannot be anytime soon...otherwise the same problems will crop again...and I would rather be friends (even if it kills me 10,000 times) than not have her at all...

 

I will try to move on but in my heart, I feel that we were meant to be together and that neither of us will change that much to render things impossible to be togehter in the future...

 

So I stay friends with her, listen to her, give her advice when she wants...I keep doing everything that made her fall in love with me the first time around...

 

Is it wrong to want to keep her in my life? Selfish to want her to come back to me one day? Selfish to still be in love with her and not want to move on? Is it foolish to hold onto that hope?

 

Thanks for reading this topic. My apologies for any typos or incomplete statements. Feel free to ask me questions or leave any comments, no matter how harsh or critical. Thank you.

[chai714]

Pete,

 

Welcome to eNotalone.

 

I decided to 'cut her loose' in accordance with the old expression that "if you love something, then let it go free...even it comes back, it was meant to be."

 

This is irrational. Why would you risk love on the count of an old expression?

 

One of the unspoken rules in life is you can't complain when you inflict emotional pain upon yourself. You ended an otherwise ok relationship. Why? Because you speculated on the future rather than focusing on what was in front of you. You did this to yourself.

 

I don't know what to tell you really. If you don't want her back, then don't talk to her as it will only lead her on. At the same time, don't cry hurt because this was your decision.

[majord23]

Can I just say that I am so impressed by the way you are handling the situation thusfar. You have not acted on your jealousy, which is something that some people twice your age cannot boast.

 

You have been, and continue to be, mature about this break-up. You should be proud...and I sincerely mean that.

 

If you acknowledge that you can't be with your ex at the moment, then I think that you should set her free - just as you have done. Although you have already exhibited the strength to deal with the pain of her (potentially) moving on, I think you should avoid putting yourself in the position of receiving such information about her again - how you go about doing that is up to you.

 

My suspicion is (and you know your ex better than me) is that the pictures with the 'new guy' are there purely to make you jealous/or get a reaction out of you. I only say this because you are technically the person who ended the relationship and sometimes a 'dumpee' will attempt to ilicit jealousy to get an ex back or to hurt them.

 

Once again my friend, it really was refreshing to read a post from someone who appears to have clung to objectivity at a time when it alludes most of us.

 

If you keep a level head about you, I believe that your 'next move' will become obvious to you.

[ebsmith1]

Ok, no offense, but this is nuts. You both love each other but you broke up because you are convinced that she "might" want to see other people and party? Shouldn't that be her decision. I got married when I was 19 and had my first child when I was 20. I loved my husband and if he'd been ready (he was 26) we'd still be married. I have never to this day had the desire to play the field and party. Now this may not be her, but don't assume things. Do you have to get married now? Can't you just be in love and be together and see how things go? I think you should go back to her.

[majord23]

Ok, no offense, but this is nuts. You both love each other but you broke up because you are convinced that she "might" want to see other people and party? Shouldn't that be her decision.

 

I can't speak for the OP, but in my experience no-one breaks up just for this reason. I think he ended the relationship for reasons that may have *included* this, but not for this alone.

 

I agree with your post - if you love someone and want to be with them, you stay with them, case closed.

 

I may be reading between the lines here, but I think he is going through emotions that alot of 'dumpers' go through - but the sigificant difference is that he isn't acting on them (thus confusing his ex) - and I think that that is a noble quality to possess.

If all 'dumpers' were this conscientious, there would be alot less confusion expressed on these boards methinks.

[PeteZahut]

Thanks for the welcome, folks...

 

Well, that old expression is just a feel-good justification for what I did...I do still love her (and I know she loves me)...however, what's going to happen the next time she has a crush on someone else?

 

She's in college and she's experiencing independence for the first time...can I really get in the way of her trying to have fun? Maybe she's not committed now (what with the distance and mutual detachment) as I was to her when we first began dating...then again, I already experienced the first few years of college and wanted something more 'real' than what I saw...

 

I do trust her...but I also know that she'd rather be miserable and stay with me than hurt me by doing what she really wants....can I really force her to go through that?

 

Some of you guys may be giving me too much credit...I've never been jealous in regards to her until AFTER we broke up...now, its literally eating me up inside...i want to yell at her and confront her about it but what if she never talks to me again? I really want her in my life, in some capacity or another...if only for another chance in the future.

 

maybe I'm pathetic but I've never had such a close friend with whom I can share everything with and talk to so easily...and that's the part that I miss the most...now it's just awkward silences...

 

Hope I don't come off as blaming either her or myself (I'm just really confused)

 

Anyway, thanks for the responses. I've been wondering these things myself...honestly, my heart and my mind are in total conflict and I really don't know what the "best" or "right" thing is...and neither does she right now...so we're kind of in limbo...

[blueberrypie]

I agree with ebsmith1. If you love her and she loves her, and the only reason for the breakup is because you think she may want to meet other guys, should you be with her? Shouldn't you be trying to connect with her instead of breakuping up with her? What are other reasons which lead you to break up with her? Do you think you would have not broken up with her if you were (physically) not that far? Maybe thinking about why you broke up with her in the first place may help straightening your thought.

[Scotcha]

Once, a very long time ago, back when I was just 16 years old... I started dating a guy named "T" who was on my sports team. We were together for a month and we were very happy and in puppy love. Then my ex boyfriend who I had been with for seven months prior called up and asked to have me back. I told him no. Then I told my boyfriend about the conversation. He broke up with me. I called up my ex and told him I changed my mind and we would have another chance which we did for three days before I dumped him again. At practice later that week I spoke to "T" and we caught up. He told me that when he broke up with me he gave me a perfect reason to get back together with my ex, that he realized he had only been afraid I would chose my ex over him so he pre-emtively dumped me, and now he regretted his decision.

 

I gave "T" another chance and we dated for over a year and we are still friends to this day.

 

Your reason for ending your relationship just reminded me of this. No realationship comes with a gaurntee for success but if you end a relationship because of that you are only gaurnteeing yourself failure.