AARRRR!!Venting Teen daughter having sex

[4thelast1]

I just got a call from my exhusband. He said that he went home to look for his missing digital camara. He said that he went into our 14yr old daughters room and looked in her dresser drawers because he thought she might have it. Well he found was some condoms!! He called me with this bit of info. I told him that I would speak to her and see what is going on. He got upset that I wasnt flying off the handle the way he was. He said that since I didnt care that he doesnt care. I told him that I do care its just what am I supposed to do about it. His answere was to make her come straight home from school and stay inside the house . I told him that was unreasonable. She is a teenager and I couldnt just keep her locked in the house. I dont want her rebelling because I'm afraid of her having sex. If she is then she is, there is almost nothing I can do to make her stop. At this point all I can do is talk about safe sex and see about birth control. I cant stop her from having sex. Would I like her having sex? NO NO NO! My exhusband didnt like my response. He started yelling at me saying that I didnt care and that I dont seem very upset about it. I told him just because I am not jumping up and down screaming doesnt mean I dont care. What am I supposed to do??? I feel that no matter how mad I get it isnt going to stop my daughter from having sex. I hung up telling my exhusband that he needed to get a grip and face reality. If anyone knows a good approach to this sticky situation I would gladly take all advice. Plus my ex deserved what he got, he shouldnt have been snooping in her stuff. He knew that he might find stuff he woudnt be happy with, he just cant control his controlling behavior!!

[rose2summer]

Well, I think the only thing you can do is talk to her about how sex can develop into emotional attachment and methods of protection.

 

It's best that she does have protection available than to expose herself to pregnancy and STD's, and maybe she just has the condoms in case she needs them.

 

I have friends who had condoms saved up just in case but didn't engage in sex until years later.

 

Ask her first before making any rapid conclusions.

 

Hugs, Rose

[onewithbooks]

Here is my 2 cents...

 

Just because she has condoms, doesnt mean she is using them. I know I had them long before I ever got to the point where I was in a situation to need one. She could have gotten them at school or from a friend. My advice would be to talk to her in a calm and reasonable manner. Odds are she might be pretty miffed she had her drawers gone through, and will feel like her privacy was invaded. Let her vent and wait for it, be patient and then find out what is really going on. I dont have children of my own, and I cant imagine how you or your ex feels, but I know how I would feel if I was in your daughters shoes. Hope this helps!

 

Good luck and take care!

LeAnn

[rose2summer]

I agree with IL -

 

I would be very upset if my parents rummaged through my things.

 

If I was confronted without giving my side first, I probably would go out and have sex as a teen just to rebel for what they did.

 

So be cautious and say, "oh hey hun, I wanted to talk to you about sex and pregnancy. When you decide to have sex in the future, you should be careful as STD's are rampantly spreading. It's important to use condoms and birth control. Do you have any questions? I care about you dearly and I want to make sure you are in good health." This way, she may confess, but you do it in a loving manner.

[DN]

The age of consent for having sex in your state is 17. I advise you to take this a little more seriously because if your ex decides to take this further there may be custody issues if you do not show that you have taken all reasonable steps to safeguard your daughter.

 

You and your ex need to discuss this more rationally - he needs to more calm and you need to think things through - and you both need to get on the same team and agree on a better way to handle this.

[someguy69]

The age of consent for having sex in your state is 17.

 

Incorrect. The age of consent in Colorado has age difference clauses. If she's 14, her sexual partner can be within four years of her (i.e. as old as 18 ).

 

Anyways, if she's already sexually active, it is next to impossible to enforce that she stops what's she's legally able to do... especially by force.

 

Imposing rules which she feels are unjust will only result in rebellion.

 

The only successful manipulation tactic could be expressing sadness and disappointment, and making certain it is free of any mention of derogatory terms.

 

The best thing would be to clear the air and open up the situation whereby you find out who she's sleeping with and making sure that it's a monogamous sexual relationship with a steady boyfriend, and not just any guy who comes along.

 

The best example you can provide is a healthy example -- and complete restriction is not reasonable after she's already started.

[southerngirl]

Well if she is thinking about having sex there is one good thing in all this. She knows what condoms are and has them in case she needed them.

 

I wish you the best in talking to her about it. You are right, I dont think there will be much way to stop her from doing it per say. But, you can use this as a chance in educating her about safe sex and the safest sex of all.... abstinance.

[annie24]

yeah, I mean, you just CAN'T lock her up inside her room until she is 18. even if you managed to do that, she could go out and have sex with the first 5 guys she saw when you finally let her out on her 18th birthday.

 

I think that the best thing you can do is talk to her about safe sex and protection and pregnancy. show her some photos of what happens when you get an STD (ug! so many horrible photos out there on the internet) and teach her how to protect herself.

 

get to know who she is hanging out with.

 

truth be told, she could have even been handed out condoms at school. when I was 13 or so, they gave us condoms and taught us how to use them. just because she has condoms does't mean she is having sex.

[NKP]

Just because she has condoms in her room doesnt mean shes having sex, i have condoms in my walet, i dont use them but i still have then just incase. She is just going to get mad that yous have been through her stuf, i know i sure would. My mother knows i have condoms in my walet she doesnt care, because she trust me and knows i wont do anything i will regret later.

 

Talk to her if you want, butmost people her age would proberly have condoms anyway most of my friends did, sometimes schools even hand them out, so dont worry and just trust her okay.

[New_Horizons]

Why would she have condoms in her room if not for sex? Decorative mantelpiece? 14 is too young to be having sex. Think of all the risks - STD's, pregnancy and who knows what else. I think you need to put your foot down!

[DN]

Incorrect. The age of consent in Colorado has age difference clauses. If she's 14, her sexual partner can be within four years of her (i.e. as old as 18 ).

 

How do you know that if she is having sex it is with someone of that age and not older?

 

The fact is that you don't and neither does the mother.

[4thelast1]

Thanks for all the input. I am very concerned about her having sex. Someguy69 is correct about the age of consent. But this is not my issue, as far as Im concerned she is too young to consent to sex at all!!! I am realistic about this whole situation. I know that if she has already had sex then it is almost next to impossible to stop her from having it again. I will not lock her in her room. Her father and I did sit down last night and discuss the whole sex,std's and pregnancy issues. We tried to explain that a wrong decision could last her a life time. She was more upset about her dad going through her room. I dont blame her for that,but with her I had to show a united front with her dad and I. She said that she hasnt had sex and they were there becuase she thought about it but has made no move to do anything about it. IF she told us the truth then I have to take her word, if she lied then she has to live with herself. I also explained that her dad going through her room is upsetting but she is not an adult and not privilidged to the same rights. She is a minor and it is our job as parents to keep an eye on her and do whats best for her. She got upset and cried and told us we were not fair. After she left I explained to my exhusband that it was unfair to go through her stuff with out having her witness it. I am not opposed to going through her stuff but she needs to be there when we do it. We both love our daughter and know that this is a rough time in her life. We both agree that we dont want her going off in the deep end. We committed our lives to her the day she was born and we will continue until the day she dies. To what level we go to that depends on her behavior now.

[justpaisley]

I know this isn't going to make me little miss popularity, but... no way in the world is a 14-year-old ready for sex. She may think she is, but a 14-year-old has no capacity, financially or emotionally, to handle a pregnancy or an STD. I don't care that she's using condoms, sex at this age is completely irresponsible behavior. I'd honestly have to get her into counseling. There's got to be some reason she's seeking out physical affection in this manner.

 

That said, it's true that she may just have the condoms and not be using them in that way. My dad thought I was having sex when I was twelve and made his 23-year-old girlfriend, who he had been dating for 6 months (but later married) give me "the talk" and she gave me condoms. I also bought some when I was 15 for a friend of mine because she kept getting pregnant. So ask her her side first. There could be a number of reasons she has those condoms.

[wayne]

I know this isn't going to make me little miss popularity, but... no way in the world is a 14-year-old ready for sex. She may think she is, but a 14-year-old has no capacity, financially or emotionally, to handle a pregnancy or an STD. I don't care that she's using condoms, sex at this age is completely irresponsible behavior. I'd honestly have to get her into counseling. There's got to be some reason she's seeking out physical affection in this manner.

 

That may be true. But why are today's 14 year olds this way? Their great-grandmothers were ready to get married and raise children at that age.

 

Something's really messed up about the way we raise children these days, and the age at which they truly become fully adult members of society keeps going up.

 

I'm sorry to say, that leaving children in possession of working reproductive organs is incredibly dangerous. Since we can't take the organs away, the only reasonable solution is to start making our offspring stop being children before they acquire those working reproductive organs.

 

Too bad that doesn't help your 14 year old today. What can be done? Let's look at the possibilities.

 

1. Advise abstinence. If she had the self-control to resist these temptations, she'd practically be an adult already.

 

2. Lockdown. That's just a stalling tactic. When she turns 18, she moves out, just as ignorant and unpracticed in self-control as she is now, and does the same dumb things then that she would do right now if she weren't in lockdown.

 

3. Condoms. They're not foolproof, but they're better than nothing. She may go to Hell, but she'll be less likely to get pregnant or catch something.

 

4. Encourage a better choice of partners. Smart younger guys don't exactly have girls fighting over them, so she'll have an easier time spending time with them. And they're less apt to do dumb things or pointlessly cruel things (for stupid people, cruelty is entertainment). Since unprotected sex is a dumb thing to do, they're less likely to pressure her to do it or even go along with it. And if all else fails and they do knock her up, at least they haven't added to the already overwhelming stupid person population. I recommend adoption in that case.

 

5. Look for ways for her to be independent sooner. Independent people gain by doing sensible things (they make more money, they have nicer things and live in nicer places, they have more enjoyable jobs, and so on) and lose by doing stupid things (instead of their parents losing by having to bail their dumb asses out). These people thereforeeee have much more incentive to behave sensibly and avoid stupid behaviors than teenagers do, which is why teenagers act like overgrown children and people just a few years older with just as many hormones raging in their systems manage to sober up and show up for work when their parents stop paying their bills and they get real jobs.

 

Sorry, no 100% surefire solutions here.

[Fallout]

I'd honestly have to get her into counseling. There's got to be some reason she's seeking out physical affection in this manner.

 

Well by that logic almost every teen in the world should be getting counselling...they all think about having it. Guess it would make the counsellors happy..

[avman]

I think you are doing the best job that you can under the circumstances.

 

It is silly to try to prohibit sex or to keep her locked up. That is impossible and it only will encourage her to try to keep things secret. Then you'll never know if she is having sex and you'll be even more concerned.

 

I think your only real option is education. Give her all the information she needs to make informed decisions. Yes, I know none of us want our 14 year old daughters to be having sex. But we can't watch them 24 hours a day, no matter how much we might think we can. If they are bound and determined to have sex, then they are going to have it.

 

I'm assuming for the moment that her partner is somewhere around her age give or take a few years and that age of consent isn't something to be worried about.

 

Make sure she has all the right information about birth control, stds, and so on. Talk about the importance of love and trust in a relationship before having sex. And make sure she knows she can always come to you no matter what the situation and that you'll listen to her. Do not make her afraid to tell you the truth.

 

I also agree with you that it is important not to go through her things except under the most extreme circumstance (like you believe she is on drugs or otherwise in serious danger). She needs to have her own space and some privacy.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I also think you and your ex (now that he has calmed down LOL) are handling this very well. It is VERY important for your and your ex husband to work together on this.

 

It is true, you cannot lock her up and prohibit her from doing such things. But you can leave the lines of communication open and assure her that no matter what, she can come to you and the both of you will talk about it. But going through her things will violate that trust of her coming forward with matters and she perhaps will turn to someone else (i.e. a friend) instead of you, a person whom has no idea what is best for her. I was very fortunate my mother never went through my things. It was my pesky little brother whom did that.

 

As you and your ex husband probably have already realized, 14 is a very awakward age to be. So many changes, so many influences, so many pressures. It is important for the both of you to be sensative to that fact and reaffirm you love her no matter what you will always will there for her and try to do what is best. I know there are some occasions where she will not like it, perhaps say rude things, cry but KEEP AT IT, do not give up. She will thank you later for it, I guarentee it.

 

Hang in there.

[annie24]

awww... you sound like a good mom rodeo! my mom, I can't talk to her about ANYTHING! i never had good communication with her, i hid my entire life from her.