Girlfriend of 4 years NOT into sex and is not open to new things...what to do?

[Royltnxile]

I have a great girlfriend. She's the type of girl every guy wants to marry. She's funny, smart, adorable, PERFECT body, etc.

 

One problem: she doesn't like sex.

 

 

Stop rationalizing this HUGE issue as well...ie..."she's perfect, except for this one teeny, eenie, little problem".

 

Your above statement is like saying you have your perfect dream car sitting in your garage....Corvette, cherry condition, custom paint job, all the bells and whistles...etc..etc....only it doesn't have an engine in it!

 

Get rid of her and do the whole "we are better off as friends" as a means to do it. Usually, the "let's just be friends" line is lame. However, in light of the lack of sexual intimacy present between you and her, the "lets just be friends" routine seems to be very applicable to your situation. Don't be afraid to dump her - she's not meeting your needs!

 

Bottom line: You have a girlfriend you describe as "great", yet she finds having sex with you repulsive. Just think about how "great" you will describe your next girlfriend, the girlfriend who will be just as horny and eager to please as you are. Think of what you have to look forward to.

[TiredMan]

This is a tough one. But if you guys have a "connection" that is very strong, perhaps this is something you just have to deal with. You can try talking about it but you can't force someone to be sexual. It's probably not you. She may have been raised to think this way?

[candy604]

whats her family upbringing like? sounds like she's been growing up thinking sex is gross and dirty and it shouldn't happen.

 

or maybe she doesnt' feel attracted to you? that's odd. You should explain to her that a loving relationship has both emotional and physical connection Find out why she thinks like that.

[Luck of Irish]

Thanks for all of the advice everyone. I really appreciate it and it's give me some things to think about.

 

I have one final question.

 

If I bring it up one more time....act serious (which I always am)...and she says "If you need more sex, I can't give it to you" (and she won't see a counselor, doctor, etc.)....and I say goodbye....do you think I'll have regrets about leaving her (down the line) only because of sex?

 

Thanks.

[heloladies21]

Why would you regret that? Don't you think you have the right to be happy in all aspects of your life? You deserve good sex and plenty of it. Get out there and get it.

[TiredMan]

Thanks for all of the advice everyone. I really appreciate it and it's give me some things to think about.

 

I have one final question.

 

If I bring it up one more time....act serious (which I always am)...and she says "If you need more sex, I can't give it to you" (and she won't see a counselor, doctor, etc.)....and I say goodbye....do you think I'll have regrets about leaving her (down the line) only because of sex?

 

Thanks.

 

If your connection is deeper than just the sex then I would guess you would have regrets. If someone is so not into it, it usually has something to do with how they were brought up or perhaps even a traumatic episode in the past. I can understand not having a high sex drive but none at all, usually that means something. If you do have a deep connection with her, then you might need to somehow find out the origins of this.

[LoveYouToPieces]

hmmm.. the only thing I can think of, is that she is just very insecure. Maybe with herself, is she a shy girl? Im guessing she's never had an orgasm (because... then not liking sex, wouldn't be an issue) Why don't you just sit down and have a serious talk with her, tell her how you feel... and that pleasuring her is something you want to do. You want her to feel good, and experiance what you do. Sex isn't just sex when two people are in love, are comfortable with one another and trust one another. I think you should let her know, that there is a whole other level of your relationship that she is missing out in. Making love is beautiful, and with the one you are ready to spend the rest of your life with, makes it all the better.

 

Good luck with this.

[Iceman26]

If I bring it up one more time....act serious (which I always am)...and she says "If you need more sex, I can't give it to you" (and she won't see a counselor, doctor, etc.)....and I say goodbye....do you think I'll have regrets about leaving her (down the line) only because of sex?

 

Thanks.

 

Who can say if you will regret it or not?

 

It could be you meet someone better, someone who gives you the complete package, not just 4/5 of it. Don't settle for less.

 

She makes no effort to work on this issue between the two of you, and believe me, it gets tiring dealing with someone who won't resolve relationship problems. She doesn't want to change, nor should you force her to.

 

However, you can change, and from the sounds of it some changes need to be made. I know this is a tough decision to make, but you aren't a eunuch dude.

[Luck of Irish]

hmmm.. the only thing I can think of, is that she is just very insecure. Maybe with herself, is she a shy girl? Im guessing she's never had an orgasm (because... then not liking sex, wouldn't be an issue) Why don't you just sit down and have a serious talk with her, tell her how you feel... and that pleasuring her is something you want to do. You want her to feel good, and experiance what you do. Sex isn't just sex when two people are in love, are comfortable with one another and trust one another. I think you should let her know, that there is a whole other level of your relationship that she is missing out in. Making love is beautiful, and with the one you are ready to spend the rest of your life with, makes it all the better.

Good luck with this.

 

She's a little insecure....but not really. In a non-arrogant way...she knows she's hot/desired. Not only by me...but by other guys. So it's not as if she feels ugly.

 

And no...she hasn't reached orgasm before. I don't think it's my fault...because the only thing I've gotten to use is my penis. She also claims that she's only wet for 10-15 mins at a time....and then gets dry (but refuses to use lube).

 

It just seems everytime I bring it up....she makes an episode about it and exagerrates. For example, if I mention sex that night....she'll usually sigh and say no. (Sadly) after sometimes "begging" (not literally, but continuing to bring it up)....she'll say "fine" in a pissed off tone. We'll then have sex. Horrible, I know....but * * * *...I gotta get it sometime.

 

When I bring it up to talk about it as a whole.....she'll just say "that's all you ever think about" when it's not. She says my sex drive is too high...and I've explained to her that in the real world...no matter how nice a guy is to you.....every guy wants sex. I've also explained that me bringing it up once/week is practically nothing compared to most guys. She seems to not believe it.

 

I'd also like to mention that I thought I had ED at one time. I saw a doctor, etc. Everything turned out to me normal...it was all emotional....I'm guessing the fact that my "love" didn't desire me was it.

[annie24]

have you ever given her oral sex? did she enjoy it?

[Luck of Irish]

have you ever given her oral sex? did she enjoy it?

 

Honestly....we tried it like once....and she stopped me after about 30 seconds saying she was grossed out.

[annie24]

did she have an overly religious background?

 

i mean, it sounds like you are really trying hard here, but like iceman said, it's like she has only 4/5 of what you want out of a life partner. and it's a shame that you aren't getting that other fifth of what you need. it's no way to live life. i think if she isn't willing to compromise, or at least be... sort of enthusiastic about sleeping with you, you should walk away.

[justpaisley]

What is her religious background?

 

I wouldn't say she's frigid, or hates sex, or anything nearly as harsh as that. If in fact she doesn't like it as much as you do, and sincerely feels that it's all you think about, it's become a point of contention and thus a sensitive area for her. The more you bring it up, the less she wants to have sex... so then you want it more, and bring it up more - it's a vicious cycle.

 

You and she simply do not have the same sex drives. Yours is clearly higher than hers. However, if she's not giving you any clear reason as to why she literally never wants sex, then if you leave her, you should do so with a clear conscience. This is about communication more than sex, and a relationship without communication is not a relationship. If she were truly frigid and hated sex, she wouldn't even do so to please you. She obviously does enjoy it enough to please you, but for whatever reason, not enough to enjoy it for herself. This is something she needs to work on, but if she refuses, that is not your fault.

[justpaisley]

I just realized you posted earlier this week about being in love with your girlfriend's sister.

 

Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to have sex with my husband if he were in love with my sister. Both of you clearly have issues you need to work on.

[annie24]

yeah, I ask about her religious background because if women grew up in a very strict household where the message was, "sex is bad, sex is evil, sex is bad." and then they go out and get married, they still hear the message "sex is bad" in their heads. they don't feel, or at least it doesn't connect, that it is natural between a husband and a wife. and especially if you are not married, she may be feeling not good about having premarital sex.

 

I just realized you posted earlier this week about being in love with your girlfriend's sister.

 

Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to have sex with my husband if he were in love with my sister. Both of you clearly have issues you need to work on.

 

oh yikes!!! I didn't see that thread. oh my. yeah, I wouldn't sleep with him either!

[justpaisley]

yeah, I ask about her religious background because if women grew up in a very strict household where the message was, "sex is bad, sex is evil, sex is bad." and then they go out and get married, they still hear the message "sex is bad" in their heads. they don't feel, or at least it doesn't connect, that it is natural between a husband and a wife. and especially if you are not married, she may be feeling not good about having premarital sex.

 

Yeah, that was why I asked too. In some cases, even when someone isn't brought up believing that sex was evil or bad or dirty, they're still brought up to believe that premarital sex is wrong, so when they make the decision to have premarital sex, they can't really make the connection. My best friend was brought up in a strongly religious home. She never felt that sex was dirty and her parents were always open with her about it, but she did always feel that sex should be reserved for marriage. She's no longer religious at all, but when she had sex for the first time because she wanted to get it out of the way, she regretted it strongly and wishes now that she had saved herself. She calls herself a born-again virgin and wants to wait until she's either married or in a long term, committed relationship before having sex again.

 

Kinda beside the point - methinks the OP isn't sharing everything...

[wayne]

I just realized you posted earlier this week about being in love with your girlfriend's sister.

 

Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to have sex with my husband if he were in love with my sister. Both of you clearly have issues you need to work on.

 

So he's the bad guy for wishing he was with another woman who is a lot like his girlfriend but actually seems to want him sexually even though he did no cheating whatsoever?

 

Nonsense.

 

The concept of "emotional infidelity" is a masterful bit of manipulation. You treat the guy like dirt, catch him spending time and wanting to spend time with someone who is actually nice to him, then claim he is "emotionally" cheating even though he's exercising proper self-control and refraining from infidelity. Then you're the victim and he's the villain. Excellent!

[Luck of Irish]

I just realized you posted earlier this week about being in love with your girlfriend's sister.

 

Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to have sex with my husband if he were in love with my sister. Both of you clearly have issues you need to work on.

 

That's kinda of a cop-out to the answer....because the girlfriend has no idea.

 

As for her being relgious...she's not....at all.

[forza2]

To all 3 responses,

 

She won't go to a counselor. I suggested it already.

 

Here's the worst part we're only 23 and 22 years old. Usually people have sex like rabbits at this age.

 

Every time I bring it up she gets upset too. She says "is that all you ever think about?"

 

She also thinks that my sex drive is sky high. For god's sake....all I'm asking for is once/week. People do it 7x/week.

 

I get it once/3 weeks.....and I want it once/week(at least)....I think a once/week compromise is meeting halfway.

 

 

Here's the best thing you can do. Dont bring it up at all. Be happy around her, care for her, talk to her about every thing BUT sex. It sounds like she got your weak spot and she's just not givin' up. If she's been your gril friend for that long she should mean more to you than just SEX. Try not having sex for atleast 2 months, and if she offers it deny it and turn it down instead take her for a walk by the beach or do things she likes. She knows you want sex, but do you know what she wants? It is very important for you to give her what she wants the most, and its not sex. She knows all you think about is sex, and you need to change that image of yours as it doesn't work for all types of girls.

 

Once she sees that you do care about her instead of sex she will have more sex with you, and if you dont care about her enough to do what I mentioned above, maybe you should move on.

[nsbguy32169]

Damn... 4 years... I could never spend my life with someone who didn't want sex AT LEAST once a week, let alone being "okay" with sex once a month... My recent ex of 3 years, who broke up with me mind you, is trying to convince me that we belong together and I just keep telling her reasons I can't spend my life with her and one of the biggest reasons is that she never placed any kind of importance on having a healthy sex life. To me, an active, healthy sex life is very important in a long term relationship so being with someone who places little importance on it would cause way too many fights and a lot of unnecessary tension (and it DID cause a lot of fighting and unnecessary tension between my ex and me during a good majority of the relationship). There are plenty of women out there who love sex and place an equal or greater importance on it as I do... It seems like she's pretty set on her beliefs so either live with once-a-month sex or get out... because even if you did sit down and talk to her and she understands how much you like sex, it's not like she's going to enjoy it anymore than she already does so any increase in sexual activity will probably be temporary until she just gets annoyed with it again

[Royltnxile]

Dump her and go after her sister, provided her sister isn't frigid like she is.

 

4 years of this? Your balls must be purple by now!

[justpaisley]

That's kinda of a cop-out to the answer....because the girlfriend has no idea.

 

Sorry - in your other thread you said that your girlfriend has said "You're in love with my sister." Guess I got confused.

 

As for her being relgious...she's not....at all.

 

What is her religious BACKGROUND? How did her parents raise her?

[justpaisley]

So he's the bad guy for wishing he was with another woman who is a lot like his girlfriend but actually seems to want him sexually even though he did no cheating whatsoever?

 

Nonsense.

 

The concept of "emotional infidelity" is a masterful bit of manipulation. You treat the guy like dirt, catch him spending time and wanting to spend time with someone who is actually nice to him, then claim he is "emotionally" cheating even though he's exercising proper self-control and refraining from infidelity. Then you're the victim and he's the villain. Excellent!

 

When you are in a relationship, you should devote your entire self to that relationship. Anything less is not a relationship. The OP's emotional infidelity is absolutely real in this circumstance. He has found something he doesn't like and instead of fixing it or simply exiting the relationship for the good of all involved, he's thinking he's found it in someone else. Luck of Irish is laboring under the misconception that he is in love with his girlfriend's sister, when she is likely simply the target of his uncontrolled hormonal impulses.

 

He's not exercising self-control at all. He's allowed himself to develop feelings for his girlfriend's sister. Such a thing would not happen if he were completely interested in salvaging his relationship.

 

Luck of Irish is definitely giving us only the half of the story he wants us to hear, so we say "poor you, dump her" instead of actually giving him constructive advice. Anyone, if given the entire story, would have linked his emotional infidelity to his girlfriend's lack of interest in sex - are you telling me that if your wife was in love with your brother, you'd still want to be intimate with her? Most people who are the victims of infidelity know on some level that they're being cheated on. But quite frankly, we don't know the entire story, nor do we know what came first. I'm quite sure there are many other details to this story that none of us know.

[gattsuga]

do you think she's perhaps a lesbian? it sounds really weird how her sex drive is so low when you're in a loving relationship. do you two do romantic things together? do you kiss, massage, tickle etc? are you two physical at all? or is it all emotional?

 

has she been with another woman in the past?

[gattsuga]

and yes, i think if you're in love with her sister, there's a big problem. what would she do if she found out? how can you be in a trusting relationship if you can't tell her some things about yourself. my current girlfriend has 3 very hot and smokin sisters, and they're all really nice. but you don't see me drooling over them or checking them out, cuz i don't let myself, and i have my gf who i think is 10x better than any of them