Paranoia?

[Dako]

Can anyone relate to this nonsense?

 

I just bought a house, have a job, my car runs well, health is fine, have good friends, etc. I'm putting my life back into order after divorce, and my ex is now a close and trusted friend.

 

I tend to be calm in a crisis, but when things are smooth sailing,

I just expect it all to fall apart any minute and plunge me into chaos.

 

My gut feeling is that I'm an imposter and all my luck is based on some major misconceptions. Somehow I prefer a bit of misery to keep me from getting too comfortable. Others tell me I have it together, but I'm not so sure.

 

Anyone else this conflicted?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Daks - I thnk I know what you're feeling. Or I can at least relate to it.

 

We live in a nice home, our daughter goes to a great school, my husband makes good money. FOR NOW...but is this just the calm before the storm? I mean, when is he going lose his job and force us into bankruptcy?

 

It's like, part of me doesn't want to tempt the fate gods by even talking about how smooth things are going. I think I'm just an eternal pessimist....

[NJRon]

Paranoia strikes me harder when things are sailing smooth and I find myself putting in overtime making sure everything is *extra* ship-shape.

 

However, I have learned to relax a bit. For all the crud that happens in our lives, there are bound to be moments of peace and success... enjoy them. No sense in ruining them for some future tragedy that hasn't reared its ugly head yet.

[renaissancewoman101]

I understand how you feel. You are so used to life being in some type of chaos and depression, since it's been like that for a while, so when things are good, you are surprised and wonder what is behind the corner to bonk you on the head.

 

Sometimes, maybe, in the past, people have told you that you are not good enough, you are deficient, secondary, people have criticized you, etc., when things go good, you feel as though you don't deserve all this good stuff happening in your life. You are probably scratching your head and wondering "why is this good stuff all happening to me. It never happens to me". Then you seem to doubt yourself and wonder if you deserve all this good stuff and wonder what is around the corner to knock you down.

 

Dont think that way. Think that you are a good person and that you DESERVE all this considering all the bad stuff that have happened to you in the past. Keep positive thoughts in your mind that you deserve this. Keep out the negative thoughts because that will bring you down and MAY even cause you to sabotage your goodness and good things, because you have this unconscious thinking that you dont deserve the good things that are happening to you. I know I do that. I have a tendency to think negative thoughts when good things are happening to me, and then subconsciously go and try to sabotage the good things. Like with the new guy I met. I like the new guy a lot and I think he likes me. But there are niggling negative thoughts in the back of my head telling me that he is out to use me, that he doesnt like me, etc. I try not to let those thoughts rule me, becuase if I let those thoughts rule me, I will unconsciously go out and do something that will sabotage the relationship one way or another.

 

Enjoy your life. You've deserved it, and more good stuff is to come. It's karma paying you back for all the good stuff you've done for others.

[annie24]

Can anyone relate to this nonsense?

 

I just bought a house, have a job, my car runs well, health is fine, have good friends, etc. I'm putting my life back into order after divorce, and my ex is now a close and trusted friend.

 

I tend to be calm in a crisis, but when things are smooth sailing,

I just expect it all to fall apart any minute and plunge me into chaos.

 

My gut feeling is that I'm an imposter and all my luck is based on some major misconceptions. Somehow I prefer a bit of misery to keep me from getting too comfortable. Others tell me I have it together, but I'm not so sure.

 

Anyone else this conflicted?

 

yeah, I feel that way all the time. like everything i have gotten and where i am is all some big mistake or luck. if I find out an answer to getting outselves out of this, I'll let you know.

[emma34]

I relate to you in some aspect...specifically with the seeminly preferring a bit of misery and the consistently anticipating crisis. I've been diagnosed with depression as well as bipolar II...my dad refers to it as "paranoia" - cause i "lie to myself about how things are". I'm pretty content with my life from the outside, but on the inside, still nothing seems okay.

 

Your feelings of being an imposter, sense that maybe you are experiencing some sort of dissassociative disorder.

 

I would say a good portion of people who experience these sort of feelings, it blossoms from a traumatic event.

 

My advice would be to seek a professional who can explain your feelings with more knowledge of your life.

Although, I'm always here to talk as well.

[rose2summer]

I say enjoy it while everything is good and in order.

 

I like to think of life as a smooth sailing adventure that requires earthquake, tornado, hurricane insurance.

 

We are all bound to have our ups and downs, but enjoy the good while it's here, but be prepared for any catastrophes, by having a good plan to fall on.

 

I am really happy to hear you have come so far, enjoy it

 

Hugs, Rose

[annie24]

I relate to you in some aspect...specifically with the seeminly preferring a bit of misery and the consistently anticipating crisis. I've been diagnosed with depression as well as bipolar II...my dad refers to it as "paranoia" - cause i "lie to myself about how things are". I'm pretty content with my life from the outside, but on the inside, still nothing seems okay.

 

Your feelings of being an imposter, sense that maybe you are experiencing some sort of dissassociative disorder.

 

I would say a good portion of people who experience these sort of feelings, it blossoms from a traumatic event.

 

My advice would be to seek a professional who can explain your feelings with more knowledge of your life.

Although, I'm always here to talk as well.

 

I don't think it is necessarily that serious of a disorder. I am in graduate school, and there was a talk last year (but I missed it! ) about the author of a book, and she came to talk to the graduate woman student association. The topic was something like.... "How to feel as smart and capable as everyone seems to think you are." I know lots of people in graduate school also can feel like frauds - like, "how did a person like me get into a great school such as this? any minute now the dean is going to call me and tell me my admission was a mistake...."

 

again, I wish I had gone to that talk, I bet she would have given some really good info on how to feel less like an 'imposter.'

[justpaisley]

I feel the same way. The last 2 years have been pretty hellish on me, but I think I've handled them relatively well. I cry when I need to, I write down my feelings, I live.

 

Now that things are going really well, my son is home from the hospital and healthy for now (see?), I can just hear the cartoon whistle of the bomb dropping and I'm waiting for it to happen. I just can't help myself. Maybe a few years from now when the trauma of the past 2 years isn't so fresh in my mind, I'll recover, but for now, I keep looking over my shoulder. (Okay, in my case, it's checking obsessively that my son is breathing.)

 

I think that people like you and me have to be careful to not subconsciously manufacture disaster. Also, we have to realize that worry will get us nowhere, and paranoia will not guard us from trauma. Time will help.

[Dako]

Good point, paisley, and I just noticed a blue post-it on my monitor by the famous philosopher, itsallgrand:

Am I solving a problem, or just worrying?

[justpaisley]

She is wise, ItsAllGrand.

 

I've noticed that worry and paranoia are addictive. Say you're worried about being robbed. (Say it!) You don't go out at night, you keep your wallet in your front pocket when you're in crowds, you carry a pocket knife on you for protection, you look at everyone as a possible suspect. The longer you worry without incident, the more you feel your worry pays off. If you do get robbed, your worry pays off because you expected it and you feel you were prepared.

 

Now, say you're a normal person unfettered by paranoia. Unfortunately, you get robbed.

 

Either way, you have to cancel all your credit cards and get a new driver's license. What's the better way to live?

 

All the preparation in the world will not save us from the unexpected. We can be smart - going back to the robbing scenario, we can not leave giant wads of cash in our car with the windows rolled down at the mall. All the fear and paranoia we foster will not make the pain of trauma any easier.

 

Here I am standing on the pulpit, and during the typing of this message I've wanted to go make sure my son's breathing at least twice. I know what I'm supposed to do, I just don't know how to get there.

 

I think I need to tattoo Matthew 6:27 on my arm: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

[southerngirl]

Oh I can totally relate to this!

 

I stay at home. I tend to my toddler and my soon to be 9 year old. Im going to have another baby soon and so far everyones healthy. Im just waiting for the bomb to drop.

 

For me to have to go to work. For the car to break down. For some unforeseen fate to befall us making it impossible to pay the mortgage.

 

Things are just going too good right now, why cant I just except it and stop the worrying?

[Lanterna Magica]

I will try to shine a light for you in this, the ending of this post will be positive.

 

I too have this feeling, always waiting for something to go wrong, though for a while things havent been great so I can't relate to it from a currently successful perspective!

 

But in my low mood, let me attempt some advice.

 

What you fear is pretty much what I am going through now. At times in which life has been going well, I too have thought 'this is temporary, something is bound to go wrong soon'

 

And it surely will.

 

I am not trying to depress you or make you feel bad I feel I am merely pointing out life's hard facts. Unexpected events come along and upset our equilibrium. I would say I have spent about 14-15 months having a pretty tough time and it has taken me a year to face up to and realize this. The suicide of two friends and the breakup of my relationship this year have been very traumatic and all out of the blue.

 

There is no way really of avoiding these sorts of tragic events in ones own life, we are a social species and our actions effect the lives of those around us profoundly, and theirs, ours.

 

For this reason, hurt will always be unavoidable. Events will happen, people will come and go.

 

I can look back on many times in my life when I have looked around me and my environment, been with the one I love, the atmosphere is beautiful, a gentle summer breeze blowing through the window, the sounds of insects chirping in the night, every sip of wine tastes perfect, the one you love is perfect, you are safe, in comfort, there is no background noise....

 

You are satisfied.

 

On many occasions when I have realized how pleasant I feel, I have in that moment thought to myself 'Cherish this moment'

 

Because life is made out of moments! And even if the sky falls tomorrow, you will always have them. Forget the future and the past and look around you in the moment and give thanks for all you have. Let the sunshine on you!

[itsallgrand]

Wow, you made my day Dako Thanks for the kind words. Didn't expect that.

 

So you did buy a house, eh?! Nice.

 

And yeah, I do relate. Things are starting to get much better in my life, and it is right when things are at the tip of excellence that the internal alarm bells go off in me. "oh my god, oh my god, there must be something I am forgetting here!".

Nope. Just releasing some old energy reserves.

 

It makes me smile so big to hear that everything is going so well for you now. You're no imposter - you are the real deal.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I am defined by depression, mood swings and a strong sense of madness.

 

Regardless of any external circumstances.

[caro33]

For the little that it's worth Dako, I'm the same.

 

From all the posts you've received perhaps you can take just a little comfort that you're not alone on this one; the imposter/impending doom feeling is a common experience. Doesn't help the frustration aspect of course. I like your quote from itsallgrand though, and will try and use this to counsel myself in my more neurotic moments.

 

Maybe most people who have experienced some form of loss (and don't we all as we get older) have these moments of true anti-complacency. Perhaps it's a sign to sit back and be thankful that at least you're in the calm before the next storm!

[Daddy Bear]

worry is a necessary function of the human mind, is it not? i mean, if it reminds us to properly maintain our cars, nurture our healthy relationships, stay sharp at work and keep up with the house payments, then it can't be all bad.

 

and Dako... if you're an imposter, we all are.

[FoxLocke]

I definitely think that is ALOT of people. It seems like when ever things are going good I expect the bottom to fall out at ANY moment. I think when you get so used to things going bad it is hard to think of anything good...

 

My advice would be to not self sabotage. Don't instigate something bad just because you have this temporary fear of success. I think this is normal, considering what you have been through Dako, and it will eventually pass.