hammer Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 My wife and I have recently split up after 10 weeks of "back and forth" on again off again after 18 years of marraige. Since then I have made alot of changes, weight loss being a big one, I have had many people comment on "how good I look" females especially. I have been invited out with a bunch of younger guys tonite, as they know what I have been going through and have basically said "you need to get laid" and knowing these guys, they go through one night stands" like underpants. I don't think I can do it, even though I know my wife has done it to me. It would be nice to feel young again, but I think I have to much self respect? Any thoughts??? Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I do have some thoughts hammer - but I don't know how popular they'll make me... ah well, here goes anyway. I think if you are separated, know a divorce is eminent, know your soon-to-be ex-wife is sleeping with other people during your separation....well, then I say, how wrong can a one-nite-stand be? As long as you set the proper expectations with the lady-for-the-evening. Of course, if you're not comfortable going there yet, then you really shouldn't. If it's against your moral code to do such a thing while still technically married, then really, don't. I don't think having casusal sex is an indication of a lack of self-respect tho. So, don't look at it that way. (well, that's my opinion anyway) Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 If it's not you then don't do it, you can still go out and have fun with your friends, and look at other females. But don't ruin your self respect for something you may well regret. Link to comment
doyathink Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 You have a life too. You have the right to get on with it. Remember to keep your self respect along the way, if a one night stand will make you feel like a dog then don't do it. You can go out and enjoy your night and meet a few women tho you don't have to slept with them. Link to comment
blender Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 With maturity, comes responsiblity, going out with "younger guys" that say "you just need to get laid" well, that seems shallow indeed. You are a grown man who is hurting, and it might be nice to just go out and if you meet a woman who is interesting, ask for her number and go out to dinner, be respectful and have a "conversation with a woman", respectfully, I don't think 'getting laid" will make you "feel better", sure it might "feel good in the moment" but follow the thought of "getting laid" all the way through to the aftermath about how you will feel about yourself and how you might make this woman feel.... karma... it's real, have standards, and set some goals, but think "long term self respect" and not "short term satisifaction"... you're older and hopefully wise enough to know that perhaps you are looking for something more "real, and long lasting" with a wonderful woman.. but first you have to become the wonderful guy who draws this woman to you.. and you already are, you've been hurt, but take this "heartache" as an opportunity to grow..not to revert to your younger, more irresponsible youth... sure have fun, flirt, get out there, but have some personal standards YOU yourself are comfortable with... maybe these younger guys will learn a thing or two from you on how to treat a lady... they will eventually respect you more for this... and more importantly you will feel better about yourself and the woman you are with.. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 hammer, I am not against the idea of the one night stand, with two people agreeing to it, and no deception (not telling her you love her, will see her again, etc, when you don't mean it). But, in your case I think you should wait. You situation is in flux, I'd wait a bit before seeking sex from another woman. See just left, make sure she is not comng back before you get some elsewhere. Also, be careful about what your kids see and know. Link to comment
flower99 Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Well said, I compeletly agree with this. Link to comment
hammer Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 One thing I have learned over the years "when you go out looking for IT" you never get "IT", when your not looking for or expecting "IT" that is usually when opportunities arise. One fortuntate thing is, I am still off the drink and will be thinking with a clear head tonite instead of the "head in my pants." I would never do that do my kids, as they are both out with their friends tonite and would never expose them to something like this, as right now they are looking upto me for support and guidance. I will just probably go out and try my best to enjoy myself, very difficult not to think of the wife though, even sittign here at work each day. Link to comment
DaDancingPsych Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I agree with many of the previous posters. There's nothing wrong with a one night stand if both parties understand that it is just that AND you can look at yourself in the mirror the next morning and accept your behavior. However, this isn't going to help your relationship with your wife. If you have any expectations at fixing your marriage, this isn't going to help at all. You seem hessitant and I think that that's a sign that you're not ready. I applaude you for looking towards your friends for support, but I question if you're ready for these types of behaviors. If there's any doubt in your mind, don't do it. Go, enjoy the company of your friends and any ladies that you may meet. But don't pressure yourself (or let anyone else pressure you) into doing something that you will regret. Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Also, don't make it as looking for a ladie friend, make it a lads night out, then you'll be more relaxed. If you really do want over with your wife just write your feelings everytime you think of her, and then move to a different subject. Don't pressure yourself into a "looking" out night. Just treat it as a normal day. Link to comment
hammer Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 I am 42 and the guys I would be going out with are in early / late thirties, I hate to say this but they do this sort of thing every weekend ....... and are actually successful and gettign different women all the time. I do realize that thier life morals are far different then mine, as that is why they have never had a long term realtionship. In away I feel like doing it out of revenge as my wife has done this to me twice now (twice that I know of) it could be more. It is a good feeling to get compliments again as like I did last nite at my son's hockey game in regards to my wieght loss. It feels good to be noticed again and has given me huge confidence in myself. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I agree with Blender. Sure there are those people who feel comfortable with one night stands and those who don't. You clearly are not comfortable with the idea so if you did it you would probably feel very rotten about it afterwards. Yeah, yeah, lots of people will so 'you need to get laid'. Well, getting laid is not the answer to life's problems. You need to sort yourself out, get over the pain of your broken marriage. Just because your wife did this, doesn't mean you have to...not that you owe anything to your wife....but you owe it to yourself to maintain your dignity and self-respect and that can only be defined by you and your comfort level. Link to comment
blender Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 In away I feel like doing it out of revenge as my wife has done this to me twice now (twice that I know of) it could be more. The only way to "win" against an injustice is to NOT become a reflection of just that. You are a mature, loving man who has been "hurt". Take the time to heal before you have a knee jerk response to "getting even"... this will only leave you feeling "less" and "drained". I guess you would want your own children to "grow" into the example YOU will set. Stating things like "these young guys have been quite successful"... ugh.. how do YOU define "success"... I hope it's not with "how many notches a guy has on his belt". Become some you yourself can admire... A man who respects women, and who looks for an equal partner, a loving, mature, self respecting woman who will fit wonderfully into a the life you are now building for YOURSELF and your children.... Link to comment
blender Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 "In away I feel like doing it out of revenge as my wife has done this to me twice now (twice that I know of) it could be more." The only way to "win" against an injustice is to NOT become a reflection of just that. You are a mature, loving man who has been "hurt". Take the time to heal before you have a knee jerk response to "getting even"... this will only leave you feeling "less" and "drained". I guess you would want your own children to "grow" into the example YOU will set. Stating things like "these young guys have been quite successful"... ugh.. how do YOU define "success"... I hope it's not with "how many notches a guy has on his belt". Become some you yourself can admire... A man who respects women, and who looks for an equal partner, a loving, mature, self respecting woman who will fit wonderfully into a the life you are now building for YOURSELF and your children.... Link to comment
doyathink Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 One thing tho, how long does one hold onto hope of getting the ex back and not get on with their own life. No one here is your judge, we cant tell you what you can or can't 'live' with, you have to decide that on your own. Link to comment
blender Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I guess when our hearts are broken and we are forced to deal with the disappointment of "lost dreams for the future" with a certain partner, it's very difficult to realize that everything is happening exactly as it should be in this moment. Letting go, is not only about "thinking it might help you reconcile in the future" it's about "letting go of someone else's issues" and working on your own issues...taking the OPPORTUNITY THAT HEARTACHE gives us to reflect, set standards, and grow into a better version of ourselves will only draw goodness into your life, either with your ex, or with someone new... and most importantly there is a sense of wholeness when we feel good about who we are and who we want to become... Link to comment
jackknive Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 I agree with Beec, I would wait. Being the on and off sorta thing, wait till its totally off before you do. If your not a one night stand sorta guy, then respect that about yourself, I think its nice, dont really like guys that are like that.. But do whats going to make you happy.. not short term happy, long term happy. If it makes you feel bad, its really not worth it. If its going to cause you more problems (if it goes on again) then its really not worth it either... Link to comment
rocio Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 It's completely a personal issue. But remember, even condoms don't protect against all infections. It's a risk. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 my advice is this: don't do anything that you think you'll regret. you don't need to mimic the actions of shallow people--or anyone, for that matter--to stay young inside. at least, i don't. Link to comment
rocio Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 my advice is this: don't do anything that you think you'll regret. you don't need to mimic the actions of shallow people--or anyone, for that matter--to stay young inside. at least, i don't. Who are the shallow people? The ones having the one night stands? Because I'd say that juding someone based on that is shallow in itself. Link to comment
doyathink Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 hazey, I believe bent is talking about hammers wife...ex wife! Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 i am speaking of anyone who is so far from enlightened thinking that his or her emotional needs do not extend past sexual gratification. Link to comment
rocio Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 hazey, I believe bent is talking about hammers wife...ex wife! TThanks. I'm not always good at following these things Link to comment
rocio Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 i am speaking of anyone who is so far from enlightened thinking that his or her emotional needs do not extend past sexual gratification. I'm not exactly sure what that means. But it really amuses me when some people in this forum act as if they are the authority on enlightenment and other people are just shallow and empty. Link to comment
Dating Coach Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 My wife and I have recently split up after 10 weeks of "back and forth" on again off again after 18 years of marraige. Since then I have made alot of changes, weight loss being a big one, I have had many people comment on "how good I look" females especially. I have been invited out with a bunch of younger guys tonite, as they know what I have been going through and have basically said "you need to get laid" and knowing these guys, they go through one night stands" like underpants. I don't think I can do it, even though I know my wife has done it to me. It would be nice to feel young again, but I think I have to much self respect? Any thoughts??? If your interested in doing it, then sure, what's the big deal? As long as you want to do it and so does the other person, then have a ball. Link to comment
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