New T-shirt logo: Don't stereotype me

[scarew]

](*,)

 

Why is it that when we share our joy with others that we are having a baby, people jump to all of these conclusions about me letting my life end? A baby is an addition to my life, not a subtraction.

 

My doctors understand me and are excited for me. In fact they lean towards my "unorthodox" plans as they have seen many mothers be very successful this way. There are complications with having children at my age and in my situation, but there are also complicaitions with waiting.

 

For those of you who don't know, my pregnancy is textbook wrong because I am in the middle of my schooling. I am offended that people (NOT directly reffering to people on this site, I mean friends, family etc) would even ASK if I am going to finish school. Inquiring if I will need to take a sememster off or how we are planning to maintain our finances is different. It doesn't assume disaster.

 

My closest friends and family know I think everything through and that I have a good head on my shoulders. It hurts me that they cannot give me any credit in this situation. I am CHOOSING this because it will work in my and my family's best interest. It's frickin 2006, people pull this off all the time. If I was in a different program at school it WOULDN'T work. If I was in a different country where the government wouldn't be funding my university it wouldn't work. But in my situation, the government will asses my new "dependants" and fund my schooling according to my, and their needs. 20 years ago this might have been a disaster.

 

Assuming that I cannot handle a family and my own life goals is SEXIST. Assuming that I haven't thought it through, that I am young and making a hasty desision is AGEISM. And assuming that I will have to go on welfare because I am still a student is CLASSISM.

 

These may be concerns of people who care about me, but why do they have to conduct themselves with an attack on my decisions. I am sure there are other preggies out there who face similar judgements. How do you cope? I feel like just telling them that I CAN'T finish school so I am planning on going on welfare and selling our house so we can move into a crappy apartment where we can party and smoke pot all day until I can get a job at mcdonalds while the rest of the family ends up taking care of the baby.

 

That way they can't be disappointed.

 

Coping advice is appreciated.

[rose2summer]

I think our society is filled with stereotypes.

 

Some people are very old-fashioned and think that having a child means no education, and a stay-at-home mom position.

 

That is not the case and you have every right to prove them wrong.

 

I think everyone at one point or another will be victim to stereotype, I sure have.

 

You know you are intelligent, and very school-minded, tell these people that you are a modern women and will be able to multi-task and enjoy the fruits of both a child and an education.

 

No one can ever hold you back from your dreams, only you can, so just throw their ideas by the way-side.

 

Hugs, Rose

[BornToResist]

How to cope? Geez, when you figure that out, PLEASE let me know.

 

I'm not in school (yet), but I have been through my share of difficulties with some of the things about this pregnancy. BUT I decided to keep my baby. When I FINALLY got excited and started telling people I was pregnant, I was met with "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!?!" DUH I told them with a smile on my face (that quickly disappeared)...did they really think I was going to start announcing it if I was going to abort? Then I receive a "well good luck I guess..." And these are the people that didn't know the half of my story. SO QUICK TO JUDGE. I can count the "congratulations" I received on one hand. I have a good job, I have supported myself for years now and I am 22 which, the last time I checked is older than a lot of people I see with children, so it's not that I'm in that "way too young" catagory. BLAH.

 

It really made/makes me mad when people judge my choice. These aren't even the ones who are close enough to sincerely be concerned about my personal wellbeing, these are the people who never would have known if I got an abortion. God I hate that.

 

Just wait, there will be more things that really get to you...right now it's the "oh you're barely showing" along with the "you look like you're gonna pop!" and WHAT is with all the people you DON'T know who come up and rub your belly? AHHH I could keep going and going. But the initial judgement was by far the worse.

[scarew]

ty rose,

sniff...pregnancy horomones are seeping out my eyes.

[itsallgrand]

Just keep venting. Who is it that is giving you a hard time?

 

By the by: You did choose the perfect timing with the C gov't right now. Works for you. Might as well take advantage of it to its fullest.

[rose2summer]

Ahhh, scarew, here's a great big hug.

 

I know you can handle this, you're a very strong women.

 

I wish we could educate people about how the world has changed, but alas people are set in their old ways and unwilling to change.

 

I will share a story with you not related to pregnancy but about charging forward that seems to parallel yours in a way:

 

I was obtaining my university education when I was assaulted. I told my boss and at first he was kind about it and then started treating me very poorly, telling me to go home, take a year off, and then return. I knew why he said that, it was to get me out of the program so that I would have to reapply. I switched to another position there to complete my degree. My new boss tells me that my old boss had called and said I was an idiot and stupid and my family was uneducated. Next time I saw him, I looked him right in the eye, and I said, look at me, I am first to go to college, and I graduated, got my degree, and was given the highest honors to get a position equivalent to yours. To this day, I mentor students and tell them, you are your best motivator, no one can ever hold you back.

 

Don't let these people discourage you, I am in the background cheering you on scarew!

 

Hugs, Rose

[scarew]

It's everyone who give me a hard time. BTR made a good point about sometimes its not even people who are close to you. Just passer byers who feel like throwing their two cents in.

 

My response so far to "So are you going to stay in school?" has been a nasty look and "Of course."

 

awww geeeeez I guess I didn't think about that.

 

BTR I am planning on not telling certain people who I KNOW will be opposed until after the abortion window. Which is in a couple weeks. That is terrible people would say that to you after you have clearly made your own decision. Sometimes I think pro-choice can lead to only one right decision-abortion. Then it really isn't a choice.

[rose2summer]

Well, you can always respond with the witty comment back to them and say, "So how far did you get in school?"

[ImThatGirl]

Ladies - you know this is just the beginning, right?

 

It used to bother me too. Wow - that was 6.5 years ago. But then I had my second child and then it really bothered me. You can imagine the judgemental people thought "How is she going to do this?"

 

I think for the most part, some people can't fathom having a child before having everything together like financial security, etc. Now, this is not to say that you don't have it together. However, they are most likely genuinely worried about you. They don't understand but it doesn't mean that they won't support you along the way.

 

I used to judge myself more and actually still do judge myself more harshly than anyone else could have. I've worked since in highschool. I've been at my current position for six years, finished an associates degree, and moved closer to the city (away from family.) There are probably statistics that are against young single mom's being successful. It takes a strong person to rise above those statistics and I'm sure you can do it as well!

 

My advice: Just don't let it eat at you. Continue your successful lives! You can do it and will do it! Believe in yourself!

[itsallgrand]

Hehe. Are you wearing a clean white shirt and a C button right now?

 

I think there is pressure regardless, but you are entitled to your views. There's pressure to keep a baby, pressure not to keep a baby, pressure to do this or that, well-wishers and those who just see an opportunity to vent some steam and opinions.

 

You are strong and you clearly know what you want. So hold your head up high, and the next time someone tries to push your buttons, just say "Thanks for the concern, but that topic is not open to discussion." You have the right to keep that to yourself if you want, and it might be easier that way.

 

tc.

[southerngirl]

Dont let what others say drag you down. There will always be some judgemental person or another who is more than willing to 2nd guess your judgement.

 

But from your posts, I know this is something that you have thought through completely. You are also prepared for the work and what lays ahead. You sound like a very smart person and that you have it all figured out.

 

Let what the people who are negative have to say just roll off your back, like water off of a duck.

 

I was a young mom. Alot said that I should have an abortion. I chose not to. Granted I dropped out of school, probally not one of my smartest choices but it got me to where I am today and who knows where the path would have led had I chose to do it differently?

 

YOu are responsible for your own happiness in this life. Be proud of yourself. Be happy with who you are and what you become in life. Be happy with your choices and in the end that is what will matter.

 

Ive even heard alot of flack from people that dont really even know me, they are shocked I would want to have a 3rd child. So what? Its not their life and I have to be happy with my choices.

 

 

Congratulations on your new baby!!!! Your going to be a wonderful mother!!!

[Day_Walker]

I will be the first to admit that I stereotype people in all kind of situations. Do my assumptions have to be true, no they dont but that does not mean that I wont say them. I am sure that I can point of aspects of my friends lives that I dont agree with and I would say that they are making their situations much harder and inevitably this could cause them to fail because of the increased amount of pressure. I know that I would not put myself in those situations and that is my justification for saying so. I figure that these people are friends for a reason and I dont have to affirm every act that they do, I will speak my mind and if they dont like it then, that is their problem.

[rose2summer]

There is a difference between speaking your mind in an intellectual matter.

 

And actually just spewing out mis-information that they really don't know like scarew experiences.

[BornToResist]

People are ignorant. That's all there is to it. Now that you're pregnant you're going to give them something to talk about for the next 5 minutes so I think you just have to just "bite the bullet" as my mother would say.

 

I did drop a bunch of people around me already due to the way they acted since I went through that.

 

The way I see it, you're going to be a MOTHER now and that's the most important thing that you need to focus on. Everyone else can go take a long walk on a short pier. You will now be bombarded with years of unsolicited parental advice, along with people in the supermarket telling you that you shouldn't let your kids be doing this or that. Something to look forward to I guess.

 

I know that since I've become pregnant, my priorities completely changed for the better and now I'm going to get my butt back into school and nobody can tell me otherwise. I think it's been a positive thing in my life already...I know that, they don't, so whatever. I guess I'll just prove them all wrong.

 

Good luck to you though, I am fully confident that you can do this, and it will be so satisfying when you finish school to know you did it despite what EVERYONE thought.

[Considerate Empath]

Those close to you that says this are just concerned about you and mix their concern with their own thoughts and belief on the subject while showing you their concern.

 

Those not close to you might stereotype and be all sorts of "-ism's" or whatever, but as they are not close to you AND they stereotype - why listen to them or even care the least of what they think?

 

 

Just think of it like this to cope with it: Those close to you care about you, no matter what they say. Those not close to you is not worth listening to the least if they say something mean/insulting/whatever.

 

Or just simply think of it in this way anyways

 

 

//C.E.

[rose2summer]

I am so impressed by our pregnant ENA members: scarew, southerngirl, borntoresist, and new mom: iansmommy (and any others I haven't mentioned).

 

You all are so great and really made me realize I want children in the future.

 

A child is the greatest gift and blessing, and a part of you is in them, how more beautiful can it get.

 

Anytime you get down from comments, remember you will be blessed with a child that only others, such as myself, can dream of.

 

Well, at least I think my future children are in heaven having a grand old time, until someday I can bring one here

 

Hugs, Rose

[scarew]

Interesting take Day Walker.

 

The part that makes me the most angry is people's ignorance. The whole reason why everyone, traditionally, wants one to continue their education is so that they can be financially stable right? The stupid thing is that I have moved my way up in the serving industry and am making way more money than most of these people who are lecturing me. But I don't continue with that job while school is in because its not what I want to do. Alot of people have made careers out of serving in high end businesses and they make as much as a doctor. They support their families like everyone else. That is just another stereotype of course. "Waitresses" didn't go to college. They don't make any money. They are miserable.

 

The only way I could make more money than what I do now is by going all the way to the top with my schooling. If I went halfway and got some crappy job with a little degree everyone would feel better. WHY?

 

But Walker has a point. I can take or leave their advice, so I will probably be doing alot of leaving. Also asking them how far they got in their schooling.

 

Guys thanks for your support. I know I have myself figured out it is still difficult when the world is trying to bring me back down.

 

xoxoxoxo

[truthbetold]

Alright this is a subject I'm quite familiar with. I'm 20 and I have a child, she is 2 months old today. When I got pregnant I got the same treatment. I got "you should have an abortion" from my father, I got "you should put her up for adoption" from my mother, I got "her father won't be there for you two" from everyone, I got "you'll end up on welfare working at mcdonalds and living in a crappy apartment." I got ALL of it. I couldn't take it and half the time I even had my mother kick me out of her house more times than I can count. The only advice I have is let it go, don't let it get to you. I know it's hard to do because it's friends and family, but the best thing you can do is put it in your mind that you are going to prove them all wrong.

 

In my current situation the only thing that's improved is how much my mom and dad LOVE my baby. And half of me wants to say well you wanted me to abort her, or you wanted me to put her up for adoption. But the other part of me knows that they probably feel just as bad for saying those things when they look at her and see how I'm doing.

 

To top things off I had my baby at 20yrs old and my mom was telling me I was too young, but she had my older sister at 18 and did fine.

[flower99]

((hugs))

Girl, I love your attitude. You KNOW you can do this & that people do it everyday.

I've been there & got every attack... including my grandma telling me I am destroying my life by having this child. I shouldn't be on my own, look at what I got myself into...ect It took her 1 1/2 years before she talked to me again, but now, my son is the only one that can make her smile these days. God works in funny ways sometimes

But girl, You have 2 choices now, let it drag you down till you snap at them, for not believeing in you. Not a bad idea but it just won't bring much good.

 

or have fun with it & use it to fuel your drive, Use it as motivation to prove them ALL wrong. Make them laugh at it, Tell them you are going on welfare & never finishing school...when they have that shocked look on thier face laugh & ask them what they seriously thought you were going to do.

Cause YOU know you can do it & that's what counts.

Stay strong, Scarew...You'll do great & there is so much finanically support for single mothers in Canada. (you can even get some schooling paid for)

[rocio]

I will be a single white mother with a black baby. Hmmm.. wonder what kind of 'looks' and behind-my-back-whispering I'm going to get.

 

The best way to deal with it, in my opinion, is to be the best you can be. In the end, you will have the last laugh.

[NeverMore]

People don't want to see good things happen to other people. I know it sucks, but it's true. I lost a bunch of weight about 5 years ago and everyone kept thinking it was because of a drug addiction or an eating disorder. I had one person ask me if I was sick (like they thought I had cancer or something. But the truth was I just did it the natural way.

 

I work in a bar and I hear people talk like this a lot. Mostly about pregnancy and marriage.

[justpaisley]

Screw 'em. (Or, sca-rew 'em.) Just do you, have that baby, prove them wrong. The quote "The best revenge is living well" really applies well to your situation.

 

I got the same stuff when I got married at 20. A few of my close friends even started a pool about when my husband and I would be divorced. I don't talk to them anymore. My husband's ex-girlfriend spread the rumor that we were getting married because I was pregnant. We don't talk to her anymore.

 

Prove them wrong. Stay in school, become what you want to become, and provide for that baby. It's gonna be a struggle, but don't give up. Use the noseys as your motivation for working hard. Your child is your top priority, not the people who will judge you. If need be, just tell people to mind their own business. It's not that hard, trust me, when you do it once, doing it a few more times is simply catharsis, very easy.

 

Good luck.