Day_Walker Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 I think he is stalling. You can talk about things until you are blue in the face but what you are really looking for is action. I wonder what is going to happen if he keeps telling you of this and you hit your deadline. I want to see if you have what it takes to end it even though you believe he is taking positive steps. Link to comment
countdown Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 You are both right, he can talk until he is blue in the face, but actions speak louder than words. So... How about getting out of his lease that tied him down till August? He's found another place that he can rent short term and not be stuck in a lease. He's found someone to take over his lease and is planning on moving to this short term rental next month. He also made it a point to mention that it was short term several times. And it is a little closer to me, as well. I think that is action- getting out of his lease, moving closer to me, and ensuring that it is a short term rental. What about asking me to read a pre-marriage book with him? Seriously, why would a guy volunteer for that kind of scrutiny if he wasn't serious? We sat down yesterday with one and went over some of the questions. He was the one that asked to sit down and work on this with him. I consider that action as well. I don't think he is stalling. But.... like I said, 8/31 is still in the back of my mind, and believe me, when the time comes, if we are not engaged, I will leave the relationship. I definitely have what it takes to leave this relationship if need be. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Good for you! Look, it's up to the individual couple and the individual - whatever makes you comfortable. I would be surprised if in 7 months from now he's had enough pre-marital counseling to make a decision - and I am not sure why that is precluding him from getting engaged- sounds more like pre-engaged counseling. What is really great is that you know that you will feel ok if by 8/31 there is no proposal - meaning that you have decided that it would not have been a waste of time. Link to comment
countdown Posted March 20, 2007 Author Share Posted March 20, 2007 OP here. Deadline averted! Officially engaged, ring is on the finger!!!! Date is set!!! Planning in action!!! I feel like this post needs confetti thrown all over it!!!! Ha ha, now I'll never know if I really had what it took to leave like I said I did. Anyhow, I'm glad it worked out this way. Thanks for your input, everyone. Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted March 20, 2007 Share Posted March 20, 2007 I waited 5 years for my now husband... I was seriously running out of patience but he got a good stable job and seemed to change overnight... I say giving him until August (without tellling him) is understandable.... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 why do women get so impatient about when the question is coming? is it because of their parents nagging them? Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 why do women get so impatient about when the question is coming? is it because of their parents nagging them? I'm not sure "why" we get so impatient. With my ex I became impatient. We'd been together for 6 yrs, owned a home together. So why not? Why wouldn't he want to marry me? And yes, my mother nagged me about it. I'm sure that had a lot to do with my impatients. Link to comment
countdown Posted March 21, 2007 Author Share Posted March 21, 2007 I think for the most part people get impatient because marriage is something they want in life, and maybe something they want sooner than later, and whether or not they will get it soon or ever with their current partner becomes an issue. Probably not because their parents are nagging them. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 i thought you were in a relationship now amtjrtcet? of was this a while ago? Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 i thought you were in a relationship now amtjrtcet? of was this a while ago? Oh yes, this was with my EX. Not my boyfriend. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 oh okay. i was concerned for a minute. you said you had a good thing. this would have been first i would have known. thought i was going to have to start a post for ya. lol Things are good with this one, at least today they are Link to comment
Scout Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 That is why I think you should become less passive and more assertive in stating what you want. In a relationship the best place to go for information about problems is to your partner. It is also incumbent on a partner to speak up about problems and address them rather than letting them fester. I agree with what you're saying, DN...however, do you have any advice on how she should state it to him so that he seriously addresses the issue/gives it thought? I just ask because my sense is that this is a subject she's brought up time and time again with him, and she may need to do it in a specific way this time that doesn't put him on the defense. So that he'll give her a carefully considered answer. Link to comment
DN Posted March 31, 2007 Share Posted March 31, 2007 Apparently the question is moot as they are now engaged. But generally speaking when trying to get a point accross it as well to start by saying "I have a serious question and I need a serious answer." And if necessary repeating the question so the partner understands that you mean what you say. Tone of voice is important - it should be said seriously but not aggressively. Link to comment
countdown Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 I agree with what you're saying, DN...however, do you have any advice on how she should state it to him so that he seriously addresses the issue/gives it thought? I just ask because my sense is that this is a subject she's brought up time and time again with him, and she may need to do it in a specific way this time that doesn't put him on the defense. So that he'll give her a carefully considered answer. Apparently the question is moot as they are now engaged. But generally speaking when trying to get a point accross it as well to start by saying "I have a serious question and I need a serious answer." And if necessary repeating the question so the partner understands that you mean what you say. Tone of voice is important - it should be said seriously but not aggressively. True, it is moot at this point, but I did want to say that when it was brought up in the past, it was very serious, and absolutely non-aggressive. I think that serious and non-aggressive can still put a guy on edge. Casually mentioning it, I think, will usually result in a non-serious answer. Seriously asking it could get a serious answer (which I had already done, believe me) if the guy can collect enough thoughts to formulate an answer without getting too defensive. But a serious answer is just that, an answer an not action. I think my plan here (successfully) changed the dialogue on the issue from an exchange of words to an exchange of actions. Wedding plans are going swimmingly! Link to comment
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