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How do i change?


mishioo
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I've been with my boyfriend for over one year. We both said we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. But the problem with that is we have so many arguments, its like its pointless to be together when we're never really happy.

He says that i'm always getting angry about stupid things - i admit, i get angry when i dont get to see him for a couple of days, i feel like he just doesnt want to see me. He says he can see me once a week and he'll be happy with that. But i'm not that kind of person. That just hurts me. Why doesnt he want to see me that often?

The bottom line is, he says i'm always complaining about things and i'm always getting angry unecessarily which is why we always get into arguments. He's a very sensitive guy and gets hurt easily which is why (i believe) our arguments always escalate into something really big when it doesnt need to. I feel like i'm the one always making the mistakes, i tell him that i'm going to change, but i always just get angry again and again. He's getting sick and tired of me telling him i'll change but i never do. In the moment I always believe i have a right to get angry, but after we argue, i'm always the one who has to apologise. Is it because its just the kind of person i am? or because i'm not willing to sacrifice change for him? He says he's sacrificed everything for me, but i'm never sacrficing or willing to make any for him. The situation is much more complex that this, but ultimately, i don't know how to remind myself that i need to change things for him. I dont want to make the same mistake again and lose him.

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I think your big issues here is that he and you do not see the relationship in the same light. The roles each of you sees each toher as fulfilling are different, right now. You see you as seeing each other more. He does not need that much. This is a big difference in how entangled your lives are now and how much you each want them to be. If he wants to see you less, he wants the relationship to be a smaller part of your lives, then you want it to be. And that's a tough spot.

 

We need three things in common to make a relationship work: common interests, so we can bond; common values, so we respect each other; and a common view of the roles each of us fits into in the relationship.

 

If a man wants his woman to be a sophisticted working woman, and she wants to be a stay-at-home mother, then there will either be problems or a need for compromise. I think this is where your friction comes from.

 

So, the next question would be how long do you see each of you hving divergent views of the relationship? Is this indeifinite? Is this for the next year? Until he finishes school or a project or whatever? If you know, then you know how long you need to accept the situation. And, you need to make a choice: accept it or not.

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Besides him wanting to see each other less, what other things do you guys argue about?

 

How far does he live from you? And when you guys don't see each other, how often do you guys use other forms of contact such as online instant messenging, email, phone calls, etc? My bf moved to another city an hour away about a year ago and we usually each other on the weekends. We don't talk much on the phone but we do text and email each other daily at work. Before he moved he used to live 10 min from me and I see him on weekends and maybe once during the week and we both agreed that was enough for us. Perhaps he's stressed or busy with his job or school work so it's tough for him to see you during the week? There may be other factors contributing to this problem that you might not be aware of. What you guys really need to do is to make compromises and come up with a healthy balance or your relationship is not going to work.

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What kinds of things cause the arguments?

 

In my previous relationships, I was very demanding and if things didn't go my way, I'd either be standoffish or start an argument.

 

The relationship I'm in now, I always step back and evaluate the situation before speaking. I wonder sometimes if I let too much go. However, after thinking about it for awhile, I can simply put it on the table as to why I'm upset and how it made me feel. And I can take in my bf's perception of the situation and evaluate if it has any weight. The we can compromise as to how to "not" get in the situation again.

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Is it possible that this situation isn't meeting your needs? Could that be a reason that you are fighting with him? Is it possible that it's okay for you to want something he doesn't want, that stress and friction in the relationship don't have to be a frightening thing, but an invitation to examine the problem and work together?

 

Is it possible you don't have to change, but the situation does?

 

In answer to your question, basic personality is partly from upbringing & influences from the environment, and partly from your genetic inheritance from your parents. Changing your basic nature is very difficult, and takes a long time; to some extent, the basic personality cannot be changed. What I hope you can understand is that that is okay; it's okay for you to want things he doesn't want, it's okay to be you, and to need things. It's all in how you handle it as a couple. It would be better to lose him, than lose yourself.

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thanks guys for all your input..it really makes sense! you guys are soooo helpful!

 

i think that you guys are right in that we are different people. I feel the need to see him all the time, but he doesnt. And that hurts me. But i do know that he does have things to do. He says that i'm holding him back from doing things coz i dont let him live life. But i really only see him about 3 or 4 times a week? and he thinks that i'm pushing it. And i dont even see him for a whole day, maybe only a couple of hours or so. I think that because my life is totally different to his - i'm not very busy and i dont work. But he has longer uni hours, work and other commitments. I'm scared that if i let go of him anymore, he's going to forget about me.

 

When we dont see each other, we always have like 1-10 minute conversations on the phone every couple of hours and at night we talk for at least half an hour before going to bed. I guess, i dont really have that much to complain about, but a lot of things that he does (even though it's not a big deal) makes me angry and i give him a lot of attitude. I dont even know why i get angry, but i just feel angry.

 

I think that he wants this kind of relationship for the rest of our lives. What i mean by that, is not seeing me as much as i would like to see him. He wants to do OTHER things, have his "OWN" time. Am i being selfish?

 

I am the kind of person that gets really annoyed when i don't get my way.

 

Oh and he lives 20 minutes away and we don't do anything in common (ie. go to the same uni or hobbies). So it actually takes effort to see each other.

 

Juliana - what do you mean the situation does? I dont understand...the situation can't change unless i change right? *lost*

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