Found out the truth - need help

[this2willpa55]

He told me he could not be with me because he needed someone that was his complete opposite and that we are too much alike. We cried together, and even after the breakup, I considered him a good, decent man. I recently found out he met someone else. Someone 12 years younger than him in another state. The complete opposite of what I am in terms of education, career, ethnicity, and political views. All things my ex and I had in common. I am going on NC for 2 weeks, but I want to call and tell him what I think about him: a lying, cheating, piece of you know what.

 

Is this a good for closure, or will I just hurt myself more?

 

In a way I am hoping things will not work out for them.

[ebsmith1]

Well I can relate. My ex broke up with me and we cried together and the whole bit. He started seeing someone else 3 days after he called off our engagment, but I'm betting it had started before that. Don't call him! NC all the way!

[NJRon]

I would keep up the NC. I am confused as to why you would call him a liar when he seems to be doing axactly what he said he needed to do.. find someone the complete opposite. Of course, maybe I don't know the timing of the situation.

 

Try not to waste your anger on him...

[Jordan5571]

Same thing for me, she met someone else, lied.

 

But the truth is, I feel that they tried to make it eaiser on us by not telling us that they met someone else.

 

AND the truth is, they will lay their heads down at night and think about us. And the second that something turns bad, they will regreat with their heart and soal that they f'd up.

 

Closure is important. You and I had that when we cried with them.

 

You want to tell him that he is a POS? DON'T CALL HIM, or return anything form of contact (with the exception of a real emergency). When, and he will, at some point, contact you. When he does, if you don't give him the time of day, he will know that he really f'd up to make someone he loved and loved him, not ever want to talk to him again.

 

Truse me. There is no better revenge. And this is comeing from a hot head.

 

Hang in there.

 

Love

Jordan5571

[this2willpa55]

I would keep up the NC. I am confused as to why you would call him a liar when he seems to be doing axactly what he said he needed to do.. find someone the complete opposite. Of course, maybe I don't know the timing of the situation.

 

Try not to waste your anger on him...

 

he was seeing her before we broke up.

[this2willpa55]

for some weird reason, i want him to know that i know. i don't want him to think he got away with it. at the same time, i know i will not accomplish anything but more pain.

[ebsmith1]

It won't matter. My ex knows that I know, heck he pretty much told me and he knows that I've seen him together. Maybe he sleeps worse at night because of it, but somehow I doubt it.

[majord23]

for some weird reason, i want him to know that i know. i don't want him to think he got away with it. at the same time, i know i will not accomplish anything but more pain.

 

I agree with the other posters - stick to NC, know that at some stage he will contact you...and then you can have the satisfaction of ignoring him.

 

If you do contact him however, do not get angry and do not start an argument - you will end up feeling worse once the dust has settled (trust me).

If you do decide to 'let him know that you know' then do so in a short, non-aggressive (well....passive-aggressive ) manner.

A short email saying: "Good luck with your new relationship" should suffice...and then ignore any attempts at contact he may make.

[this2willpa55]

I agree with the other posters - stick to NC, know that at some stage he will contact you...and then you can have the satisfaction of ignoring him.

 

If you do contact him however, do not get angry and do not start an argument - you will end up feeling worse once the dust has settled (trust me).

If you do decide to 'let him know that you know' then do so in a short, non-aggressive (well....passive-aggressive ) manner.

A short email saying: "Good luck with your new relationship" should suffice...and then ignore any attempts at contact he may make.

 

i don't know if i will have the strength to ignore him. even with the knowledge that i have, i still love him very much. we had, in my eyes, a great relationship. i had no clue this was happening behind the scenes.

[ebsmith1]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've been wrestling with it all day today. I love him so much and I want him to realize what he's doing to me and what he has done already with all of the lies. Maybe he will and maybe will make it work, or maybe he will and it will be too late, or maybe he never will and that will hurt both of us. Try your best to do the NC. I'm not good at it myself, but as others say it is for you to heal, not for them!

[majord23]

i had no clue this was happening behind the scenes.

 

But it was, and you have to get yourself to a point where you accept that.

You can also use his infidelity to give you the strength to avoid contact with him. Maintaining your pride has to be utmost in your mind - it's ok to love him (we can't change who we love) but it's not ok for you to put yourself in a position where he can hurt you again....and contact will do just that.

 

Sit down and think about the position you are in right now - this man *cannot* hurt you any more. The relationship is over and you have discovered that he was unfaithful...that is what you have to deal with at the moment - which is more than enough for any person to work through.

 

Being in contact with him at the moment puts you in a position whereby you can get hurt more...and I don't think that you need that right now.

[this2willpa55]

Thanks for all the good advice. I will stick to NC. I feel stronger already.

 

It's a very weird feeling when someone who was such a big part of your life is no longer there. It's almost comparable to the pain one feels when a loved one dies.

 

I wonder, does the dumper hurt as much as the dumpee?

[kath123]

hi this2willps55

my situation is exactly the same ,my ex left me and then i found out that he had been seeing someone while we were together, he knows i know though and i spend most of my time wondering how he is feeling about "us" is he upset does he regret his actions. I just wish i knew and at times find myself wanting to call him to ask him these questions but up to now ive managed to control these urges. I know people would say he doesnt feel the same as me or he wouldnt have cheated in the first place but ,what if he is sorry but wont contact me because he knows me so well, and thinks that i wouldnt give him the time of day after what he's done. I would hope i wouldnt but i dont know if i'm strong enough yet to say to myself "it is really over"

[this2willpa55]

you know what really kills me, is that i am sitting here at work with these horrible thoughts in my head. i may lose my job because of this. i am attending meetings and not paying attention to what's going on. i keep thinking about how angry i am that i am still hurting and he has moved on with someone else already.

 

i so want to call him and ask him why he decided to leave me for her? what does she have that i don't have?

[this2willpa55]

Jordan,

 

How can you be so sure that he will contact me?

[Jordan5571]

Because, you and him had a bond that was broken by his hand. Don't get me wrong, it is broken and probably is better that way. I cried for the first time last night since I moved out, actually, balled and prayed. I actually did feel better afterword.

 

But, the point is, since it was broken by his hands, when his life crashes, he will want what he had broke, and since he is the breaker, he feels like he can mend it. I have no doubt that this will happen with my ex. I think she will be proposed to after only 6 months of dating this new guy, I think she will say yes, I think they will get married, I think she will go about ten years, then call me to get comfort about her marraige that she is sabitaging.

 

It will be too late when they call becuase we have been given the light to see that there are other things out there.

 

But they will call, it may be 20 years, but they will... Those people will not ever allow themselves to be happy. And we should not want them back becuase they will not allow themselves to be happy with us either. They are happy at first, but they will sabitage it.

 

Hang in there.

[this2willpa55]

It won't matter. My ex knows that I know, heck he pretty much told me and he knows that I've seen him together. Maybe he sleeps worse at night because of it, but somehow I doubt it.

 

ebsmith,

 

how long ago did your relationship end? mine will be a month soon, and i don't feel any better.

 

i cannot escape this question: what does she have that i dont? its killing me inside.

 

you seem pretty strong. how do you cope?

[Derailed]

 

It's a very weird feeling when someone who was such a big part of your life is no longer there. It's almost comparable to the pain one feels when a loved one dies.

 

Aye. This is the truth. I am disappointed at how crude people are at handling hearts. These days people give up too easily.

 

Your situation is similar to mine, in that, my ex had someone already lined up after me. Worst feeling. It might not have been cheating, but the after-taste is the same.

 

I'm glad your NC is still going strong. Most days, specially lately, I feel like breaking NC. Do you feel that somehow NC will cause your ex to forget about you and eventually drift away for good?

[this2willpa55]

Aye. This is the truth. I am disappointed at how crude people are at handling hearts. These days people give up too easily.

 

Your situation is similar to mine, in that, my ex had someone already lined up after me. Worst feeling. It might not have been cheating, but the after-taste is the same.

 

I'm glad your NC is still going strong. Most days, specially lately, I feel like breaking NC. Do you feel that somehow NC will cause your ex to forget about you and eventually drift away for good?

 

yes, i have that thought all the time. if i don't contact him, he is going to think that i am over him, and have moved on. but, i also know that if he doesn't answer my call or call back, or if he doesn't reply to the e-mail, i would be absolutely crushed. that is the only thing that keeps me from contacting him. maybe you should adopt that thought as well. i know his thoughts are not on me right now.

 

the smiley text i tried to send was just plain stupidity.

[kath123]

this2willpa55 and derailed,

This is exactly what im so worried about,will they think we dont care enough to contact them,and even if they regret their decision to leave, will they feel forced to carry on because they think we have moved on.

Will WE regret this n/c business one day.

[JoeWho]

Kath123, This2willpa55 and derailed. They are still thinking about you and breaking NC is a bad idea. My EX emailed the other day saying she thinks of me every minute of every day. I have not broken NC in two months although I have responded to her twice (regrettably). She is already dating someone else (aparrently planning on moving in together and he is going to move from 1000 miles away, poor guy) LOL and she is still thinking of me. But we broke up and just because she is thinking of me doesnt mean she wants to get back together and I do not even want that anymore. NC is for you to heal and sometimes it may bring the ex back to you but hopefully the NC will help you heal enough where you dont want them back. The the main pioint I guess I am trying to ramble accross here is that they are thinking of you and wondering why you are not calling them. Whatever your ultimate goal is whether it be healing or getting them back NC is your best bet. But seriously concentrate on healing rather than getting your ex back.