relationship problem

[Disspointed]

So I'm new to this lesbian thing but I'm trying to cope as best as I can. I know I've been attracted to women ever since I started being attracted to anyone but have never acted on it. I've never really had any desires to be with men but have tried hard to make myself be but have failed. I'm 21 now and am in my first relationship ever with a woman. This is going to be a long story so bare with me...

 

We had known each other for a year before we really started hanging out more. We started hanging out more when I was 19 (she was 20). We're both in college and know each other from the horse barn we're both involved with. When we started hanging out more I really became attracted to her and wanted to spend all the time i could with her. It took a while but eventually she kissed me (I was too afraid to make the first move but could sense that she wanted something more) and from there things were great. We spent all our free time with one another and ended up practically living together. A few months later I moved out of the dorms on campus and got my own place and even though she had her own place, she pretty much moved in. Ever since then we've been living together (she moved out of her old place and in with me a few months later) and everything has been wonderful.

 

She is my best friend and I am hers. She has always been with guys (since she was 14) and this was my first experience with any kind of relationship. She isnt attracted to women at all, she's attracted to men but she just found something in me should couldnt pass up. Both of us feel that we can talk to the other about anything and the amount of trust we have with one another is huge (although it used to be better).

 

We've been together almost 2 years now and we've hit a huge bump in the road. I just recently this week came out to my parents (who were more than supportive and already knew) because me and my SO were having these big problems and i needed someone to talk to. My family is supportive but her's is most likely not going to be which is a problem all on it's own. What is really standing in the way right now is that she's desiring to have sex with a guy because "thats all she's known since she was 14" and she thinks she needs to do it again "at least once" before she spends the rest of her life with me...

 

I cant understand this because I've never had sex with a guy. But we have so many great things in our relationship I'm frusterated that she's acting like this because of sex. I told her that she needs to go have sex to figure out whether or not she can be with me. She still loves me and is still living with me and I still really love her and want to get back to our happy relationship. She tells me how wonderful I am and how this has been the best relationship of her life and how much she treasures our friendship and relationship. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can because I know she will go downhill if she moves out and tries to do this on her own and I dont want that for her (or me), I want to help her as best as i can to figure out what she wants but I also want to give her the space she says she needs. It's hard to live with her and be "on a break" like she wants because I get quite jealous whenever she goes out or anything like that. This is on a trial basis for right now to see how things go but what I really want is for her to sleep with a guy and hate it. Is that really selfish? I just dont know what to do with the situation and neither does she. We both need each other but she doesnt really want me physically right now, she wants a penis and i dont have one. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Do you think I'm crazy for letting her sleep with a guy to see what to do? I hate thinking about her with ANYONE else but I dont know what else to do. If we can salvage our relationship we both really want to and this is the only way i see it possibly happening because she thinks if we stay together she will cheat on me because her urge to sleep with a guy is too strong and I wont stand for her cheating on me. It's one thing for me to tell her she needs to go have sex with a guy to figure things out but it's another for her to sleep with someone behind my back.

 

we're planning on talking through all of this but it's just getting hard. I just want to be with her so badly and it's hard to be sleeping in separate rooms and doing our own things when all we've done for the past 2 years is everything together. I dont know if any of this even makes sense anymore now that I've written a novel but if anyone can decipher it and give me any advice it would really be appreciated.

[Mythical_Suicide]

To me sounds liek she is wanting to have her cake and eat it too. She has you for the perfect relationship but she wants the guy for sex. You need to tell her she either gives her all to you or you dont need to put up with her anymore. You need to move on if shes not able to completely commit to you, I know its easier said then done but believe me it will be better on you in the long run. Find you a nice sweet girl who just wants to be with you and you only.

 

I hope everything works out for the best Hun {hugs}

[cristalgold]

are you sure that a penis is all she wants? If so, then you can buy a penis and strap it on. It's possible for her to want to experience someone else and lack penis isn't the issue. If that's the case then I suggest giving her space because you may get yourself hurt. Give her time to figure out if she wants to be with you.

[Disspointed]

I offered the strap on idea to her and all she had to say about it was "it's just not the same". I dont know what it is, and I dont think she does either, but she just feels like she needs to have sex with a guy again... I dont really know.. I dont think she wants just "someone else" because she tells me that her head is telling her to stay with me because of how much she loves me and how much our relationship and friendship means to her, i just think she's way more hetero than anything and it's starting to come out more. She says she's been having these feelings for a little while now and has been holding them in hoping that they would go away but they've just gotten worse. I just really dont know what to do.. I'm just worried that even if she does go and "get this out of her system" and decides to stay with me that this will end up happening every few years and i just cant handle that... I wish I could move on but I really am insecure with this whole thing and really am afraid that I'm not going to have the guts to go out and find someone else... I mean, I was single for 19 years and it was mostly fine (you cant miss what you never had) but now that I know how wonderful it can be to have someone to share everything with and to come home to I just really want that back but I know I wont be ready for a while after this anyway and even when I'm ready I wont know how to handle it... I'm just in a pickle...

[Tigris]

Nobody knows how they're going to handle the situation after their other half has slept with someone else. You know your personality and emotions etc., do you think that you could sleep with her again as though nothing has happened OR are you going to think the last person to be with her was HIM?

 

It's going to be very hard for you. I think you need to explain this to her. Don't let her assume that you're going to be ok with it. She's got to realise that she could wreck your relationship by doing that. It takes two to make a relationship, but one to destroy it!

 

Please think very carefully.

 

Good luck and take care.

[ScaredFawn]

I can relate to what your gf is going through. At least in a way. Ive never been with a guy, and have always been totally sure I was a lesbian I mean 100% lesbian until I quite taking the pill (that i took for acne) and got a huge libido boost from that. It gave me this huge need to be with a guy sexually, it was extremely confusing because I have a wonderful gf that Id been with for 2 years and that I planned on spending the rest of my life with. I dont know about your gf, maybe she IS hetero, but I think its normal for lesbians to have penis desires. I wish my gf had one. But I emotionally connect to women more. Maybe you can have her take the pill, it dramatically reduces sexual desires and thats the only way I could have peace below the waist and in my head lol. Have her write me or you can write me too and we can talk.. good luck

[Disspointed]

So since things change daily, even hourly, with this right now, I'd like to give an update if I could...

 

Last night I was really upset with everything but made myself, after about an hour or so of crying, go over to one of my friends' places to hang out with a few people to get my mind off things. My SO/ex (I dont know what we are, I'm pretty sure we're over now) went out with some friends she hadnt seen in a long time after I had left the house. I knew she was going out and I was happy she was getting to see her old friends. well... I got home around 2am and she wasnt home yet. I left the lights on for her and when I randomly woke up at around 6am, she still wasnt home.. So she didnt come home all night.

 

I thought about a lot of things and I came to the conclusion that my bad moods/sadness was hurting what we had left in our relationship (which is pretty much just friends at this point) and that if I did want to get her back, if that was even possible now, that i needed to be happy again on the outside at least. I concluded that i didnt NEED her, I still want her, but i dont NEED her to live my life and was relatively happy at this point until I came home tonight.

 

When I came home, I was in a relatively good mood and we were talking like normal. Then she was talking about last night and i asked her where she stayed. She was hesitant to tell me and when she finally did it was pretty much forced out of her. She stayed over at this guys house and "hung out" was all she told me because she didnt want to or didnt know how to tell me what they really did. Now I know I said to her that she needed to go get this out of her system but I know she didnt go all the way last night because it's the time of the month for her so she couldnt have anyway....

 

I dont know what to do. I think she needs to move out and I need to move on but it's the hardest thing I've ever even thought about doing. I cant deal with this and i dont deserve it. She got all pissy when i wanted to talk about it because i needed to know and just wouldnt talk to me about it. I'm pretty sure it's over for good because I think she's straight and this was just a phase for her. She's breaking my heart and I just dont know what to do.... I'm a good person and I just dont think this is fair... I dont know.. help..

[guesswho]

I wouldn't give up yet unless you don't think you can get past her being with someone else.

 

In the normal world I realize once they cheat most people say you should move on, you deserve better, etc.; but this is a special situation and I've been exactly where you are.

 

I'll try to give you some background without making it too long. I have been married twice myself....trying to be "normal". After my 2nd failed marriage I finally accepted I prefer woman. My current girlfriend was married at one time and claims she had no thoughts of women until she met me....so her "acceptance" of our relationship took longer.

 

She broke up with me twice trying to go back to men but eventually found our bond was too strong and came back each time. If I were a man, I'm sure we would have never broken up. But she wanted so much to be "normal", she had to try.

 

The first break up I did all the normal stuff....cried, begged, tried to convince her what we had was too special, etc. The next time I realized she had to figure it out on her own and I gave her the space to do that. In fact, I had accepted it was over and started casually seeing someone else. That turned out to be the wake up call that made her realize she loved me enough to sacrifice the life she thought she wanted. This all took about a year....but it was 2 years ago and we've been together ever since.

 

When people grow up thinking they're heterosexual they have a dream of a husband, children....a "normal" life. It's not simply a matter of giving up on what they thought they wanted in their life--it's also facing what other people will think....family, friends, society--it's just "easier" to be straight. Obviously her feelings for you are very strong to have taken her off the path she assumed she would take.

 

I know not everyone will agree, but to me it's a little different than a normal break up because you're not being replaced with the exact same thing. If she was leaving you for another woman it would be more of a no-brainer. The emotions in things like this are so complicated....it's not simply about choosing one person over another....it's about a whole lifestyle....and it's not always an easy lifestyle.

 

So, my advice to you would be to let her go for now, and don't let her see how much it's affecting you. Try to go on, seem happy even when you're not. Keep her respect, be her friend, but don't let her have her cake and eat it too. More specifically, don't have sex with her no matter how much you'd like to (people want what they can't have).

 

As a side note, I read a lot during that bad time and learned a lot about how relationships work. This website, and it's book, helped a lot link removed.

 

It's not easy accepting you're gay even when you've suspected all along--give her time to catch up. Spare yourself the bad break up I went through (no begging, crying). It's sounds like you've done pretty well so far, so keep up the good work. In the meantime, I hope it helped hearing a similar situation that turned out good.

 

From what you've described, I won't be surprised if she misses what you had and comes back. If she does your test will be learning to trust again and feeling secure. It's not easy, but it can be done and it has to be done graciously--you can't throw it up in her face every chance you get, or watch and question her ever move.

 

Hang in there and keep us updated.

[Disspointed]

I just want to tell you how much better i feel right now after reading that. It just sounds so close to what I'm going through...

 

We ended up talking tonight and I finally got out of her that she did have sex with that guy - this is also i a guy i know, we're both involved with the farm at the university and he used to be part of that - so this makes it even harder. I got pretty angry (for me, i'm not usually an angry person) and said some kind of mean things but i just really felt like she needed to hear it. I had been talking with a friend who really suggested that I should make her move out and that it's not fair to me for her to be doing this and that i deserve more which i agree with in a sense because I'm just cant handle it anymore, i cant watch her go out every night and not know what shes doing, at least if she was gone, yeah it would be lonely but it would be a lot easier to get over it for right now i think. Plus I'm going to be seeing her around the farm on probably a regular basis becuase thats just how it is so thats going to be hard... but tonight after we talked i ended up getting mad because she just wasnt talking at all and didnt really even look at me the entire time. I was the only one having a conversation and i had to force a lot out of her. I know she feels bad about this but she should have something to say about it. So I just kind of got up and said something along the lines of "well we're not getting anything accomplished" and got up and went in my room.

 

Then after the talk, i came in my room and got on the computer to vent to my friend i talked to earlier and it made me feel better... but then.. I went in her room to see if she wanted to smoke - something we do quite often together, I thought it may help both of us deal a little better - and we ended up smoking and i ended up telling her i was sorry and she said she was too.. so after we were done smoking i asked if i could have a hug and we hugged for probably 30 minutes... nothing else, just hugged. I didnt know whether or not to go back into my room so i asked if she wanted me too and she told me to do whatever i want (she was really tired, all we would have done was sleep). I had a VERY hard time with this but decided that it would be best to go back into my room for the night.. I thought about that guy though while i was trying to decide...

 

I dont know, I have been hoping she will do the same thing, be on her own and realize how much she misses me and how important i am in her life, but i dont know. She told me she doesnt feel the same way about me anymore. thats the thing that gets me.. I have hopes but I've been trying hard not to get them up too high because I just dont know if she will ever feel the same...

 

I know the being normal thing applies to her family, she wont even tell them until she graduates college because she doesnt want them to disown her and not pay.. I really thought that was going to be our biggest hurddle but i guess i was wrong.. I know right now though she is going through the exact same thing your girlfriend was going through - she keeps talking about her past and how this makes sense if you look at her past relationships, she's only ever known that and she misses it. I dont get why we cant just get a toy but she insists that "it's just different" (by the way, she enjoyed having sex with him last night, I had to make her tell me, which is making her even more confused)

 

I'm glad I chose to not spend the night with her tonight because I think I just need my space as well. I may say this today and it might change tomorrow but still.. I just think she needs to appreciate me more and she needs to be more willing to work on her problems WITH me.. If she does want to come back to me at some point (we'll cross that bridge when we come to it) she's going to have to follow some sort of rules because I really dont want to go through this again... I mean, I dont want to monitor her every move but I just really think she needs to deal with her problems instead of running away from them like she likes to do. She told me that she had been having these feelings, of sleeping with a guy, for SIX months now. And I got mad because WHY didnt she talk to me about it THEN? And she told me she was running away from it and trying to bottle it up so it would go away.... I dont know, she has issues but I had always been willing to help her if she'll let me... i dont know... Thanks for the post though, it gave me hope!

[Disspointed]

So I just told her to move out. It was really hard.. I dont know what to do with myself now... She still didnt really talk much... She MUST have a lot going on in her head to at least TALK about it.. she said she doesnt know what to say to me so i told her to write it all down and give it to me at some point. I hope she does so i can really know how she feels.. i dont know.. this sucks a lot... I dont know when shes making the move but it'll be soon i think.. my life is just not going to be the same.. but every time i look at her or think about her all i can see is her * * * *ing that other guy who i know so it makes it even worse because i can SEE it and i just cant handle it anymore... I need a hug..

[Tigris]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could give you that hug.

 

If you need to vent PM me.

[guesswho]

At the bottom of this post are more links that may help. During my tough time I kept busy learning what I could possibly do to improve the situation. Since it was constantly on my mind anyway I figured I may as well do something constructive. I have to admit, I read them over and over until I automatically knew the best way to respond to any situation. Even if I hadn't ended up back with her it would have prepared me for the next person. During that time I also looked for information on how to have good relationships, so if we got back together I'd be better equipped to be successful (I still use that knowledge everyday). People think relationships should just come naturally, but you learn over the years that they take work once the honeymoon stage is over.

 

I think that is what happened to our SO's....they were so in love during the honeymoon stage that the reality of the situation didn't really hit them--when it did they got scared. But you have to hope your special bond, deep friendship and everything you shared may bring her back to you.

 

I think you were smart to ask her to move out--you both need space during this time. You have to do your best to be her friend, but I think watching it as a roommate would just be too hard. I, like you, had constant, unavoidable contact because we worked together, buy you have to realize that having her talk to you about details is only torturing you and making her feel worse than she already does.

 

I know it's hard when you're hurting so much, but if you put yourself in her place you'll realize she is hurting too, because she loves you and knows she's hurting you--which is making her feel guilty. And on top of the guilt she may be experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions.

 

Let's hope the "man" thing has been so attractive to her lately because it was something she thought she couldn't have. Maybe once she has it on a regular basis she'll realize that the actual relationship can't measure up to what you shared. I'd say if you two were happy for two years, that's a little more than an experimental phase and this may be driven my her feeling trapped in a situation that scared her.

 

Anyway, I hope these sites help. I know I didn't do everything perfect (especially at first), but these helped and the more I knew, the better the situation got. Of course I didn't let my ex know I was reading any of it. She did eventually find one book, but it was after we were back together and we just laughed about it then. Good Luck and happy reading. I'll keep an eye out for updates and help if I can.

 

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[guesswho]

By the way, I sent you a private message.

[Disspointed]

Thank you so much for all your very helpful insight. It really sounds like you know a lot about what I'm going through and I'm very grateful to have found this site and that you have took time to help me out.

 

We did have a VERY good talk last night for a couple of hours and she finally told me what has been going on inside her head and with her emotions and it made everything between us feel a lot better for both our perspectives. She is still moving out and we are still going to be separated for a while but at least now I know whats going on with her.

 

She is almost going through a "mid life crisis" type of a thing it seems. She's 22 and is in her 5th year of college and should be graduating at the end of this year in May. I am in my 4th year and am planning on being here for another year if not more (masters and whatnot). She told me she feels like she's growing up too fast, like she feels married and really needs to get out and get back to her "old self" as she called it. She loves being with me but we never really did much of anything besides hang out with one another at our house. So she's feeling like she just needs to start hanging out with other people and be single and let loose more. I completely understand this because I too had thoughts every now and then along the lines of "wow, I'm 21 and act like I'm 35" but never really let it get to me because of how much I LOVED our relationship and how happy it made me. I think another big factor is that shes been in a relationship with someone for a good part of her life and hasnt really ever been single for very long and I think she just needs to be single for a while. Also, shes never lived with any of her previous boyfriends so this is also new to her too which I didnt even really make a connection about but it made me feel better because everything about this is new to me and shes the "experienced" one, and I know its really hard for her too because of her feelings that she cant control or hold back anymore but knowing that at lest that aspect of all of this is new to her too made me feel a lot better for some reason.. And none of this would be this hard on both of us if we didnt care so deeply about one another which is something we both agree on as well..

 

She is also freaked out about the whole graduating thing and not knowing what shes going to do with her life which is another huge stress on her - and another thing i understand completely because right now, and all throughout my college career, I've been an English major with NO idea what I'm going to do with it and am now thinking I should have become a veterinarian and am thinking about an early career change which would mean about 7 more years of school probably... so i know what that feeling is and I know how overwhelming it is. She says shes not ready to work full time and wants to go for her masters, but the thing is she really hates school a lot... So I dont really know about that but I know it's a huge stress on both of us.

 

One of the big reasons we never went out to do anything is because of both of our phobias about people and what people think and how it looks and that we dont want to be seen as a "couple" in the general public's eye. I'm really good at not caring what people think MOST of the time, but with this is totally different. I feel the exact same way and dont want to be seen as a couple because it's not "normal". There are really only a select few people who actually know about us, the list is growing rapidly though with us breaking up now. But no one at the barn knows which is going to be weird because we're not going to be "roommates" anymore and are going to get questions and I have no idea how to handle it..

 

That was another thing she commented on, being normal. And it's funny because when I was home talking to my parents about this I told them all I wanted was to be normal, all my life thats all i wanted. I knew I was attracted to women but I've always tried to fight it because i wanted to be normal. I think being on our own will really help both of us break out of this shell we're in and realize that it really doesnt matter what people think. She has been very anti-social (I have too) while she's been with me and she said she never used to be like that before and she just needs to get back to who she used to be in a sense. It's not like she was totally crazy and it's not like she hates who she is now, she was just more outgoing and did a lot more than she does now and feels that she needs to find that in herself again.

 

Another thing is her family. Since they're not very accepting of ANYTHING she does (they dont agree with her spending ANY time at the farm with the horses because it doesnt have to do with school or work - this is more her dad than her mom though). She said she's never been very close with her family but misses what little she did have because since we've been together she's been almost hiding from them in fear that they know or they'll ask and she wouldnt know what to do. Where she is from is very small and very gossipy, everyone knows everyone so word spreads quickly and no one is all that accepting up there - this is in Maine by the way, I'm orginally from New Hampshire but am up to the University of Maine now. She did tell me though that she was going to tell them about us when she told them about her moving out of here because they're probably going to want to know why shes moving out.

 

All in all we had a really good talk. We know that her moving out is best because i need to get "over" her to a point and not know what shes doing all the time. It's not fair to me to see her throughout the day and see her go out and have to wonder who shes with, what shes doing, when she'll be back etc.. and she knows its not fair and we both know that this is best, especially with the way shes been feeling. This is really hard for both of us and I told her how grateful I am that she finally told me and we finally are dealing with this now rather than 2 more years from now. She said she really wants to stay friends and I really want that too because we are such good friends but I told her I needed time right now to figure things out for myself and get my feelings situated before I start being her friend again. We're still going to have contact during this time though I'm sure what with the barn and the dog we have together we're going to end up sharing - kind of like a kid going through their parents divorce i guess! But I dont want to cut her out of my life totally because I care a lot about her and she feels the same way. Overall I'm feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday and I think even though it's going to be hard as hell I can get through it and you never know what will happen down the road.. Thanks again for everything you've told me about, it's really helped put a perspective on things for me and gave me some ideas that I had never thought about.. I really didnt know being in a funtioning relationship would be this hard, I honestly thought it would just all work itself out.. I have a lot to learn still.. Thanks again!!

[Tigris]

We're always here for you when you need us.

 

If you ever just need to vent PM me.

 

Good luck and take care.

[guesswho]

You're very welcome. I'm glad my age (42) and experience is good for something.

 

I'm not surprised to hear about her "mid-life crisis". It sounds like she's resisting growing up and right now she sees you as a part of that. Graduation, steady relationship, the thought of being an adult with grown up responsibilities isn't too appealing right now. Sounds like she's scared of just about everything; but think about it, when you're going through those times in your life, who do you want to help you through it? Your best friend--and that's you.

 

It won't be easy, but if you can handle being there for her through all of this without putting any pressure on her, you may have a shot in the future. Now, I'm not suggesting you be involved in her dating and experimentation with men....that topic should be off-limits. Trust me, you cannot help her through that. It will hurt too much and no matter how good your intentions are it will cause conflict and negativity in your relationship.

 

I never stopped being there for my girlfriend and in the long run, I think it made us even stronger. She admired that I supported her instead of becoming mean and bitter, even though I maybe had every right to be. I think when people don't lash out or get revengeful it shows strength and character. Don't misunderstand, I'm no saint and it took a few angry outburst and a lot of reading for me to wise up....so if you slip up, don't feel bad. I'm just trying to give you a short cut and keep you from making the same mistakes I made in the beginning.

 

Remember though, you can't allow her to treat you badly or take you for granted or you will lose her respect; and, under no circumstances should you be intimate until she is ready to put the men behind her. If she can have you as a friend and be intimate with you while she's "finding herself" why not just go on like that indefinitely? There has to be things she misses. You should be a little less available, out with other friends or whatever...all the while still being supportive. Am I making sense?

 

Then if you do get back together you can't fall into the trap of only being with each other or not going out. It's not that unusual for girls to do just about anything together, so if you're not showing public affection I don't see why you'd be viewed as a couple. Just save the affection for private and go out and have fun.

 

But you also need to keep seeing your other friends if you reunite. It's pretty easy to fall into the trap of doing everything together when your SO is also your best friend. Logically, if you have everything wrapped up in one person, why bother with others? But now you've seen what that does over time (been there/done that too). So even though, it doesn't sound like either of you have done anything glaringly wrong in this relationship, there is still room for improvements that will help it's longevity if you get a second chance.

 

Keep me posted....I'm rooting for you.

[Disspointed]

OK so here is an update...

 

Things have been going very well between us lately, yesterday we had a really good day together (without being a couple of course). We stayed in and watched a movie and talked about some things and just had a good day. It made me miss being a couple with her SO much... We didnt cuddle or anything though, we were strictly friends...

 

Then we ended up running a few errends together, we both had to go to the bank etc.. and then she had to go over to look at the apartment she wants to move into again and possibly sign the lease... So she left at around 5:00pm and I also left to go over to a friends for dinner. I didnt end up leaving my friends until around 9:30 and there was a show on tv that I really didnt want to miss so i called her and asked if she could tape it for me if she was home. She did and then told me that she was "going out and didnt know when she was going to be back" and i said ok and we ended the conversation.

 

now, earler in the day when we were talking i told her that it would be really nice of her if she could at least sleep at the house and not stay out all night long because last time she stayed out all night (and the only time in the past 2 years shes ever stayed out all night) she had sex and I just cant handle thinking about that anymore. She understood and told me there were no guarantees but she would try to not stay out all night because she understood where i was coming from..

 

well, i got home around 10:30 and she was already gone which i was really glad of because i didnt want to see her before she went out. I ended up going to bed around 11:30ish and left the lights on for her for when she got home. Well I woke up around 4:30am and she still wasnt home and I got really pissed because we had just talked about this THAT day. When i woke up next it was around 6:30am and she was home and getting ready to go to work and we had a couple words that included me asking if she had fun last night and her saying she didnt plan on staying out all night and me returning with a "yeah whatever"...

 

I went back to sleep and when I got up again i looked at my phone and i had gotten a text message around 12:30 at night from her saying she cant drive and she wont be home... so i emailed her thanking her for at least texting me and we emailed back and forth for a bit and she explained that she signed the least for the apartment that night and needed to be somewhere else to start weaning herself away from "our" home... She also said she didnt got out to get drunk and hadnt even drank anything that night, she was just really tired and fell asleep and when she woke up she didnt feel like she could drive.. now i have a hard time believing her now with anything she says about where she spends nights because i know she likes this guys shes been sleeping with and it KILLS ME... we talked a bit more through email and i did feel better but now things are really happening and she is moving out starting monday...

 

I'm just really upset about this but i'm trying not to let it show. It made it harder on me to be getting along with her and having a good time because it made me MISS everything we had SO much.. I cant even believe she is moving out and i'm having a hard time with it again... I dont know, we both are going to have a really hard time with everything and i told her i needed space initially so i wont really be seeing her too much in the next month or so... This is just a lot harder than i thought it was going to be right now... I cant be here when she's moving out i dont think, i just cant watch her move out... i dont really know what to do with myself now, i thought i was doing really well with things but now that things are actually happening it's a lot different...

 

She is going home for the weekend though so i will be alone for this weekend and I'm having friends over Friday to carve pumpkins and drink and have a good time. I'm working all day saturday so i'll be busy enough for the weekend but then come monday when she starts moving out i dont know what i'm going to do... it's going to take her a little while to move out and she said she might need to sleep here monday night but by tuesday she is planning on beginning to sleep over there.... i dont know, it's really real now and it's scraing the hell out of me.. I just miss having her all to myself and i miss what we had and it's just making me sick to think that its really all over and shes really going to be out of my life.... i dont know... this sucks..

[capricornprncess]

i've been reading your thread and i'm really sorry for what your going thru. and her moving out right now you might not see it, but its the best thing for you. and as they say, time heals everything.... its going to be painful coming tuesday and she's not there, and even harder wednesday, but trust me in the long run itll get better. can you hang out at a friend's house on monday when she moves her stuff ? or go someplace else until tuesday? ..just get out of the house, bec. itll be painful if you see her leave....i dont know just some ideas i'm thinking of, . we're here for you!

[guesswho]

First let me say it sounds like you are doing a great job so far. I never said it would be easy, I just said it's not impossible. And I'm not going to lie to you, sometimes it will hurt a lot, but I am living proof that if things are handled right, they can come back.

 

I don't know if it's possible, but you may want to think about being gone, not only during the day Monday, but overnight.....let her wonder where you are for a change.

 

Don't feel too bad if it seems like she's avoiding you at times; remember, it's most likely guilt driven. And there will be times when it all seems impossible because you're just sure her and this guy are going to get married and have kids, but try to keep in mind that you two had an extra special relationship that will be hard for other relationships to compare to in the long run.

 

Most people break up because they get to where they're fighting all the time and a lot of resentments build up....this doesn't sound like the case in your relationship, so most of what she'll remember of your time together will be good, especially, the longer she's away from it.

 

In the meantime, keep busy and act like you're fine, even though we'll know that's not completely true. Don't always be available, but don't always be unavailable either. Also, when you two are together, do your best to keep away from the topic of her new relationship(s). I really doubt she will bring it up (again due to guilt) and you bringing it up will show interest where there shouldn't be any and will only hurt you. In fact, try your hardest not to think about it at all (easier said than done). And most of all, hang in there and keep up the good work. You've done great so far, so I really have faith that you can pull this off.

 

I'll keep an eye on your posts if you have any questions, or you can send me a private message if you'd prefer.

[Tigris]

I agree with the others find somewhere to stay until she moves out.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Disspointed]

sigh...

 

so the other night (Thursday I believe it was) me and her had a talk, and unexpected talk for me... I apparently left this web site open and she read everything on here the night before.... now here's the catch, and i know this is bad... I hadnt exactly told her that i preferred women over men.. i know that sounds weird but hear me out..

 

so when we first got together it just happened. I wasnt looking for it (really because i had given up at this point and was trying to like guys, then she came along) and neither was she. We've always said that it just happened. and it did. So anyway, we talked about that for a little while and I kind of lost it emotionally and broke down and just spilled my guts and told her everything that i was afraid of - being alone forever, not being able to deal with who i really am, not being able to be normal, not being able to control who i'm attracted to, etc... I made her feel really bad unintentionally though, i told her that this is how i've always wanted things to work out for me, to have it just happen... and this just happened with someone i'm very attracted to physically and personality wise which was a bonus.

 

So we talked about that, and she said she was really proud of me for letting all this out on this web site because i dont like to talk about my feelings and all of that hardly ever. But she was also a little offended that I hadnt told her before this - not offended to the point where she was mad or anything. I told her the reason I hadnt told her was because I didnt want to ruin what we had and I didnt know if it would or not... I also really didnt (and still dont) want to actually admit it to anyone.... I dont know, it's really messed up...

 

But then she told me about something that she had never told me before either... Now that she knew about me it made a lot of things a lot clearer to her and she understood me and how i was acting towards things a lot better. So she tells me that she was pretty much sexually abused as a child. She didnt say she was ever raped but when she was little (and I mean kindegarden) her cousin (who is female) made out with her a lot when they would play together. She said she knew it felt wrong at the time but she didnt think she could ever tell anyone. Her older brother also did some things to her that just made me want to vomit... Now, her telling me this made me understand her and the way she acts SO much more. She is usually really touchy, like she doesnt like to be touched sometimes and it usually has to be her idea. She said that I have been the only person she's been in a relationship with thats never forced her into anything... I just cant even descibe how i feel about all of this, it just hurt me so much to know she had to go through all of that and i just wanted to save her but i couldnt and didnt know what to do...

 

but anyway, we ended up talking and "releasing the skeletons from our closet" and being able to completely understand one another for the first time Thursday night. I just felt so good about all of it because I felt like we might have been getting back on our track. But at one point in one of our conversations (i dont know if it was before, during or after the "skeleton" talk) she told me that she just really isnt attracted to other women at all and made it seem like she really wasnt attracted to me at all anymore either... I dont know, I'm really losing hope that we'll ever get back together again just by the things she keeps saying to me (it's not that shes being mean, just telling me how she feels)

 

BUT that night (thursday) we ended up in her room (since we sleep in different rooms now) on her twin bed to watch a tv show and I ended up sleeping in there with her ok. And I also ended up sleeping in there last night as well. So for the past 2 nights we've slept in the same bed and cuddled all night like we used it. I know I souldnt have gotten my hopes up that it meant anything that I wanted it to mean but I really did and I was really hoping she was just going to tell me she didnt want to move out and she wanted to stay with me... I dont know.... I know I probably shouldnt have slept in there with her because I knew it was going to screw up my feelings but I just wanted to sleep in the same bed again, i missed it so much and i just really wanted it again... I dont know...

 

She's home (about 1.5 hour away) tonight and is coming back tomorrow. She is planning on telling her parents this weekend about it all but I havent heard from her yet... I dont know.. She's still (as far as i know) planning on moving out monday but she said something this morning before i left for work along the lines of "I just dont know what I'm getting myself into.. I have mixed feelings about everything" and things like that which also gave me a little hope... But I dont know what to do.. I want her back SO badly but I just dont know if I'll ever get her back. She is the one for me, she's exactly what I've always wanted deep down and I know this. Everything that has happened between us is almost exactly like I've always wanted and this is just KILLING me to know that I'm probably never going to be with her ever again... I dont know... this just sucks so much...

[Disspointed]

Sorry to bombard with updates but....

 

I just got off the phone with her and dont know what to think. She told her parents and all her dad had to say was that she was finacially set (she just got a free horse which her dad was not happy about because all her worries about is money) living with me, she could afford everything without his help and now he's going to have to "supplement" her and help her out... to which her mom stopped him and said that he didnt have to help at all and that she would help her if she needed.... but.... then her mom told her that she disagrees with the whole girl girl thing and that its not morally right, we as people werent made for that or something like that.... But her mom was apparently happy that she got out of the relationship because she doesnt agree with it...

 

Her mom also said that she thought my ex was feeling this way because she didnt bring her to church enough when she was a kid and thats why she is having feelings for me...

 

So now that my ex knows how her parents feel about it she thinks it would make it a lot harder if we got back together... She was also saying that she realizes shes screwing up her life now and is ruining something so strong and so happy (her best relationship ever as she called it) but "i'm just not enough" physically for her and she cant get past that... she told me she didnt want me to wait for her but she wanted the option to be open in the future but didnt want to promise anything.. does that make sense? So she's not planning on getting back together and shes not planning on not getting back together... she doesnt know... She does know that shes losing the best emotional relationship shes ever had, she just still cant get past the sex and doesnt really think there is anything we can do about it.. shes always been with guys is what she says...

 

I dont know.. it sounds like she really wants to get back together because of everything else but the physical side is stopping her because she doesnt want to cheat on me and really hurt me if we do get back together... i dont know... i just dont know what to do... I mean, I'm pretty shy when it comes to the bedroom things but i will do and try ANYTHING for this girl and i've told her that... it's just still not enough... i dont know.. i understand that you cant control and change your feelings but what we have is so great... i dont know..

[Tigris]

It sounds to me like she's in a state because her sexuality is confusing her. I was like that last year. I didn't know who I was anymore and it was like a war was going on inside my body. She needs space to think everything through.

 

Whilst she's away use the time to read up on bedroom stuff and see what you'd like to try.

 

I hope she returns to you in the future.

 

Good luck and take care. [-o

[guesswho]

I'm not sure what to say about all that either. I hate to get your hopes up and be wrong, but I still wouldn't say it's hopeless because I've heard some of the same things about not being attracted to woman from my girlfriend. Maybe she will realize that the emotional side of the relationship is truly the most valuable.

 

I suppose my best advice for you would be to go on with your life for now as if she's not coming back and do your best to be there for her as we've talked about before. Read and educate yourself on relationships because that will not be wasted time no matter who you end up with. But keep that little glimmer of hope somewhere in your heart that the bond you two share will eventually bring her back to you. To me it sounds like you two share a very rare connection that will be hard for her to find twice in her life.

 

I do realize that sex is important, but I believe when you love someone they are attractive to you. I think she may have begun to find you less attractive due to her confusion and then feelings of being trapped because she didn't want to hurt you and she didn't know if she could make it financially elsewhere. When she doesn't "have" to be with you, she may find she misses it....and if she sees you beginning a relationship with someone else she may realize she doesn't like it too well. I also think the strength you're showing through all of this will make you more attractive.

 

Also, keep in mind she has the pressure of graduating on top of all this-- and her parents don't sound nearly as supportive as yours were. That's scary in itself because we all want our parents approval. Basically, she's just got a lot to sort out and she'll probably need you by her side to get through it all.

 

Hopefully some of the sites and things I sent will help you through all this and I'll be thinking of you through your difficult time tomorrow. It sounds like you're continuing to take the high road and do a great job.

[guesswho]

I sent you a private message too.