trying to figure out behavior

[studbaker99]

ok, this is in a relationship I described partially in another thread, but I'll give some background history so we can place the events properly. Suffice to say we went out on a couple of dates, but she didnt want anything serious, so we moved to friends with benefits (FWB) and then we slowly progressed to actual friends (hah!) and we hung out so much that eventually she just told me I was her bf. I've hung out at her house (she lives with her parents) so they're already used to the idea that I'm with her.

 

But, we're still running under the 'its not serious' premise.

 

the only reason why I stress that, is because one of hte reasons why she didn't want to get into a relationship in the first place, was because she didn't want any drama. She is pretty chill, relaxed, laid back, adventurous, fun, outgoing. She can motivate people and take charge as well as sit back and follow the lead. It's one of the things I enjoy in her.

 

 

 

Now, having said that, she can also be a bit bossy, or in her words, overbearing. Many times when we're together and she asks me to do something, she'll use the imperative 'go buy this book,yah yah!' rather than 'can you please ..' or 'would you..' but she'll say it in a way that's excited and fun so for the most part you kinda roll with it. I don't mind it, most of hte times. But the other thing she does, is that she doesn't thank very often. And there are times when I am having a bad day, and the combination of her 'bossy/excited' commands and her lack of displaying gratitude does get to me. Oh boy, I'm having flashes of my ex gf!!

 

In the 8 months we've hung out, twice (ok, three times) I have brought up to her the issue of how her behavior was making me feel. All three times, she acknowledged me, but imediately pulled away emotionally. The first time, it was really early in the relationship, and she almost completely pulled away, but through a mutual friend, I was able to talk to her and we cleared the air.

 

The second time, around a month ago, it was the same thing (feeling down, her being a bit too bossy, it getting me bothered), and she imediatelly in the phone conversation said 'lets take a break', and I was like, 'what??' , and apparently she meant a break from harassing me(a playful word in this case), so for the next 2 days, our chat conversations or text conversations were really stilted and she just had this low energy mood when talking to me on the phone. But I know that if she was talking/chatting with other people, she'd be like 'YAH!!!! Go for it' normal self. This was on a wednesday, I was in pain at aloss as to what this whole 'break' thing was on thursday, and then morning friday the same, but later that day she asked me to join her to help her do homework, and it's as if things were 90% back on track. Over the weekend, things got back to normal. We didn't discuss anything about this matter whatsoever.

 

The third time, it was just this tuesday. I was feeling a bit sad/depressed, she told me she was talking to this guy on campus , I got jealous and when I do that, everything is clouded. She was oblivious to it of course, and I didn't want to challenge her on the jealousy issue, attributing that to just my paranoia and telling myself to trust her on this one. She asked me to do something, she was really stressed about, cuz the deadline was the next day, and so we were both trying to figure it out, in the end nothing could be done, but we spent a good time looking at hte problem. She didn't thank me. (this was online, her at her home, me at mine). I confronted her. I tried to make it light, and just point it out. She was a lot more open this time around, and acknowledged the point. But she cut it short saying she had a headache and she had to go sleep.

 

The next day (I'll usually get in touch with her through text or IM in the morning) wham, a bit of a cold shoulder/ one worded responses to my chats. Okay, we've been through this before. But it still hurt like a female rabid dog. I sporadically IM'd her here and there, she was a lot more engaging than the time before, but stil cold. Later at night she had a meeting for her campus organization, and I texted her saying I was sorry, it was my fault, I was a jerk. She replied in text saying that I was stupid(we call each other stupid as a term of enderament) cuz she was telling me I had all the right to expect some appreciation, to which I replied that I still felt some guilt because when I get in a bad mood, I'll interpret things wrongly, or worse than they are, so my own view clouds things and is not her fault for that. (this was all through text message). After the meeting, she calls me up, and tells me all of this again, and I tell her my side of the story too. She again tells me that she's gotta take a break from bugging me, but , to my relief, she says that "you know, i've done it before, it wasn't so bad" - i like it when people tell me that its gonna be like before , and it has a deadline to this behavior.

 

The next day, yesterday(thursday) , we had to go buy a gift for a common friend who just turned 21, so we met up during lunch hour, things were still a little bit cold. After her work, she came to my house, and there we were a lot more playful, and we were touching, sitting with our legs crossed with each other's, etc, intimate, but not sexual.

 

This morning, she IM'd me first (usually I'll be the initiator), and I felt we were pretty open as far as communication, except when I tried to flirt up a bit, she seemed to ignore it. So that leads to where we are right now - she might come to my house, we'll go to the birthday dinner, then she takes off to some bachelorette, while im left alone to my own devices.

 

I'm hoping by tonite we'll be back to full intimate, because I feel like that barrier is still there, I'm not sure if it's imagined or not. If history is lesson, usually the weekends she'll stay over at least one night.

 

 

Now, that was a LONG story and if you read it all, congratulations

 

In case you noticed, there has been some progress towards her reaction when I bring things up that bother me. It has been much softer reaction. In case you noticed, there has been no attempt to try to talk about it afterwards. I'm not sure exactly how her 'conflict resolution' program works - does she just pull away and give it a couple days before everything is back to normal? I myself like to sit down and talk but sometimes I'll talk out of my ear with no resolution in sight.

 

I'm really just at a loss about her behavior. I'd like to chalk it up to her 'no drama' credo, put together with 'its not serious' thought, but other explanations would be more than welcome.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I commented on your last post as well. With this new information, it seems to me that she is very unpredictable. I don't think you are being too sensitive, I think she is being too INSENSITIVE. You are walking around on eggshells with her and that is not healthy. I think she is not making you feel secure in this relationship.

[Clementyne]

It's obvious that you guys are very different, which is not bad, but only a fact. If this is bothering you, you have to talk about it (this is my philosophy, it doesn't work always). I mean if it's really as serious as you describe it, then you guys have to talk about it.

 

I remember my best friends had that similar behavior, kind of moody. One minute she's happy and the next she's so distant. One instant she wants to hang out, and the next she'd "just rather be alone at home." This totally pissed me off because I wanted to hang out with her like we agreed and there was a sudden change of plans regarding her mood. So after a lot of confrontations and talks we realized that she has her moody thing and I have the spontaneous attitude towards life, if she's going to be moody all the time and cancel the plans we've made together, that's totally going to kill my spontaneity.

 

So, if you both love and understand each other (which is mostly the thing that will push you both to get through tough problems) then you can work on it. But if one party is not willing to go through the solving and the fixing then you'll be left with feelings of resentment.

 

Regarding the favors she asks and the lack of gratitude, I'm not sure if talking about it will fix it. I wouldn't like it if someone treated me that way, I'd feel used and unappreciated. But the fact that she did change a little means that there is some hope. I don't know but it seems like she's been asking you to do a lot of favors, isn't she?

[Juliana]

I think, unfortunately, that this relationship means more to you than it does to her. Possibly alot more.

 

I think this woman is competitive. If I were you, I would definitely take her at her word -- nothing serious -- and pursue and date other women. And tell her about them. She'll like you alot better then.

 

By the way, the bossiness is a personality trait, a separate issue unrelated to your relationship.

[studbaker99]

You are walking around on eggshells

 

Holy frijoles. This is exactly how I describe my situation with my ex. Everything could set her off, and then I'd end up being the bad guy, and try to make HER feel better. I lost a lot of self respect back there, and I don't want to believe that this girl is like that (and I don't think she is), nor do I want to go revisit that situation back there (even tho I am still great friends with my ex, without the romantic connection, it's more like 'dude, shut up, you're being an idiot').

 

There's definitely something whimsical about her behavior there tho - for instance, I will try to kiss her, she'll pull away, leaving me hanging, without trying to make me feel better or whatnots, or coming back and reconnect.

 

I wonder if she's checking off some sort of list as far as how far she can go with these 'odd' behaviors. And the more she can get away with, the fartherst it will go - perhaps unconsciously.

 

On the surface, she seems very much a rational, fun filled, outgoing person, with her head on her shoulders.

 

 

Yes, this relationship has meant a lot more for me than for her. It seems this is ALWAYS the case with me.

 

But the fact that she did change a little means that there is some hope. I don't know but it seems like she's been asking you to do a lot of favors, isn't she?

 

She does. But I really can't help it - I currently do not work, while she has a full time job, plus full time college classes, so I don't mind doing some favors for her - and honestly, can someone tell me how can I possibly say NO, when they know most of my day is spent at home watching movies on my computer?

 

This has been always problem for me, again, my ex-gf was one of those 'busy all the time' full of little things to do or take care of and be involved in, while my schedule, was 'go to the bank and deposit money' and that would be it for my day, so of course, if the gf needed some help doing some errands I cannot come up with a decently valid excuse that doesnt make me look like a jerk.

 

 

I think this woman is competitive. If I were you, I would definitely take her at her word -- nothing serious -- and pursue and date other women. And tell her about them. She'll like you alot better then.

 

Yes, I believe I should do that. She's definitely competitive, even as she can be laid back.

 

By the way, the bossiness is a personality trait, a separate issue unrelated to your relationship.

 

Yes I think it stems from her mom.

 

BTW, I just wanted to add - she bought me toothpaste today, and texted me about it, totally unexpected, and most definitely appreciated. So, some nice gestures.