To Give Me Closure

[strength2007]

I'll try and keep this short. My husband of 17 years had an affair with his boss. I only found out after it had been over because she threatened to tell me and my children. She wanted him to quit so she could move on repairing her marriage of 26 years. She harassed my husband for over 10 months, doing everything in her power to get him to quit. When I found out about the affair, I immediately told him he must quit and find another job, but he wouldn't. (best job he has ever had) We went to counseling, found out he had another affair in the beginning of our marriage, and also got out of him he could not promise me he could be faithful the rest of out marriage (red flag). He also said he doesn't want to hurt me, the woman that has done more for him in his whole life, anymore. So he told me he is leaving, and wants a divorce. He told me I would never be able to trust him again, and he is probably correct. He will be moving out in a few weeks. He keeps saying that he knows this is the biggest mistake of his life, leaving me, but he can't hurt me anymore that he already has. My dilema is the continous desire to hurt the two of them like I have and will be hurt and well as my children. My husbands hurt will come in time. Losing everything. To hurt the OW, I have drafted a letter informing all the co-workers where they work what has happened between the two of them. (They mainly had sex before work in the conference room) I only stated facts and harassment charges that their HR dept. swept under the rug. (Husband filed harassment charges that the HR directed told him he was over reacting) If anything, I feel I will get closure, it will be the one thing that will stop haunting me. Everything else I have been able to deal with. Please respond if revenge for you was sweet!

[Dako]

And what innocent people will be hurt? What unintended consequences will make you regret this? You have no idea what will really happen once this revenge fantasy is complete.

 

Involving more people in this mess isn't fair to them, since not all of these people are to blame for your pain.

[Luck of the Irish]

I'm sorry to hear about your sitation. Revenge will leave you just as empty as before. It gives you momentary satisfaction to see someone else hurt like you did, but it turns into more bitterness. Not to mention Dako's innocent casualties. I don't recommend it, but I've never been married for 17 years with children, so I don't know your pain. Also, I don't see how you writing a letter like that is revenge. It sounds like a good thing to do to expose her and the HR's wrongdoings so she doesn't wreck another marriage. Good luck.

[avman]

While revenge might feel good in the short term it will not satisfy long term. Plus you may have to deal with the fallout from that revenge long after the satisfaction is over.

 

For example, lets say that you go ahead and send that letter. Now lets say that woman decides to sue YOU for defamation and libel. Now you get in the middle of a real mess that you just don't need. Or lets say that your husband decides to bring that letter up in your divorce proceedings and paints you as an unstable, vindictive person that has damaged his future earning potential. Now this could affect your ability to get spousal support, property division, and all sorts of other things you hadn't envisioned.

 

Your husband has done wrong. Be the bigger person and let him live with the consequences of his actions. Stooping to his level only brings you down.

 

You might want to consider some counseling to get through some of these feelings that you are having. I can totally understand your anger and hurt. Just don't make things worse by acting out of those emotions in an unhealthy way.

[Shadows Light]

I so know where you are coming from.. and the fantasy of R-e-v-e-n-g-e..... is ohhh so sweet sounding. Its very alluring. And puts a band-aid on the boo-boo just thinking about it.

 

However... Revenge is short... and you won't feel vindicated in the least when its done.

 

Put the BLAME if you must where its supposed to be. Your HUSBAND. He is the one you have a covenant with. He is the one who promised to LOVE, Honor and Cherish. You don't have a contract with this other woman do you???? Your "H" is the one who broke the rules. Doesn't matter with whom.. or why... he is the one you have a beef with.

 

As Aveman said you need to watch what you are doing in terms of LEGALITIES.

 

Take the HIGH ROAD.. dear lady.. Take the HIGH ROAD and don't stoop to thier level. Squeeze your husband DRY financially... but don't get into the vendeta game with the OW. She is really not the one to blame. HE IS. Let him pay for his own mistakes. He broke the covenant with YOU.

 

Your husband is the one to blame... had he kept his pants up in the first place... it wouldn't have happened.

[Shadows Light]

And don't do anything that will COST him his JOB. You never CHIT where you EAT. If you cost him his job... then you can say bye-bye to spousal support, child support... etc. ICK...

 

GET him by his gonads financially.. but don't mess with your meal ticket.

[Dako]

SL has a practical viewpoint here.

The more he has, the more you end up with.

[hosswhispra]

Draft the letter and get everything you want out. BUT--do NOT send it.

 

Time and space between this horrible situation will give you a sense of clarity. Keep the faith on that.

[Hope75]

The best revenge is living well.

 

Let it go- don't let him poison your integrity with his lousy actions. You are better then that.

[Bethany]

You will not find closure.This is irrational behaviour at a time when you need to withdraw and heal your wounds. Doing this will just open up your wounds even further and for everyone to see. This can effect you more than you know.

 

Don't risk hurting yourself, you're hurt enough.

 

Find your 'strength' from deep within you and stand strong lady, stand strong. Do nothing at this time.

 

You have this site now ok, use it for support as often as you need to. You are not alone anymore.

[s_finch]

What a bunch of crap that he's leaving you so he won't hurt you again! Does he always have to justify his selfish actions?? Anyway, don't send the letter---for all the good reasons already listed above.

[Juliana]

I agree. It's crap. How disappointing to have that nonsense handed to you after years of marriage, but that's the thing about guys that cheat: They have all the depth of a shot glass.

 

Revenge is about power; getting back your power. You do not get your power back by attacking another person, because that is entering into a relationship with them where you have to take something from them in order to feel better -- in this case, security and self-esteem. That automatically says to them that you are insufficient as you are; you have to interact with them, take something from them, to feel good about yourself.

 

A better way to get your power back is to re-frame this situation in your mind, or re-posit your self-image. Yes, be angry. Respect your own feelings. But do not do anything to draw this woman into your life; I guarantee you, you will regret it. She has nothing you need, nothing at all, and eventually you'll realize that.

[Shadows Light]

The best revenge of ALL is "LIVING WELL" thats all you need dear lady. From someone who has walked this road and lived it.. your best choice of action here is "LIVING WELL"

 

Now.. 1st pick me up for you?? run done to the local music store and buy yourself some NEW music. Pick-me-up off the ground type music. I do love the old Gloria Gaynor song... "I will survive" awesome!!! How about...

Jodi Messina.."My give a dam is busted"... lol.

 

Here's one for you.. my current favorite...

 

Artist/Band: Strait George

Lyrics for Song: She Let Herself Go

Lyrics for Album: Somewhere Down in Texas

 

He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye.

Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night.

But he had no idea, when he hit the road,

That without him in her life, she'd let herself go.

 

Let herself go on a singles cruise,

To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.

Let herself go to New York City:

A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.

When he said he didn't love her no more,

She let herself go.

 

She poured her heart an' soul into their three-bedroom ranch.

Spent her days raisin' babies, ironin' his pants.

Came home one day from the grocery store and found his note,

And without him there to stop her, she let herself go.

 

Let herself go on her first blind-date:

Had the time of her life with some friends at the lake.

Let herself go, buy a brand new car,

Drove down to the beach he always said was too far.

Sand sure felt good between her toes:

 

She let herself go on a singles cruise,

To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.

Let herself go to New York City:

A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.

When he said he didn't love her no more,

She let herself go.

 

To Vegas once: Honolulu, New York City.

Came back knocked-out pretty.

 

 

LET IT GO... and LET YOURSELF GO. HAND IT TO THEM ON A SILVER PLATTER.... LIVE WELL.

[strength2007]

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded in regards to writing the OW and all the co-workers the letter. I know you understand how hurt and devastated I am, and these feelings will ease up with time. Somedays I just want to scream! Thank you Shadow Light for the lyrics to that song. Dako, Luck of the Irish and hosswhispra, you are right, I will lose self-esteem and she will know she got the best of me. It should be my soon to be ex-husband that I should be directing these feeling towards. Hope 75, you are right, revenge is living well and Bethany, the strength is with in me, I just have to find it. Juliana and S Finch, my family and friends say the same thing you both said. It is CRAP that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, so he is going to just leave and divorce me. I have talked to him about running away from the situation, and that he should be a man and step up to the plate and fix it, but I guess he isn't the man I thought I married and committed my life to. I read all of your advice and it sounds good and many of you are right, It's just I want to fast forward this time in my life, everyday is a struggle for me to pretend everything is all right, and I know deep down inside it isn't. This isn't me, I used to be so happy, funny and smile. Now I just keep to myself, keep my head down and watch the clock at work. But, any way, I am just babbling, Thanks everyone and I AM glad I found this site.

[Shadows Light]

Keep coming back here... find strength from others and where ever you can.

 

I promise you... this too shall come to pass. And yes, there truly truly is light at the end of the tunnel. You'll smile one day and it will light up all the way up to your eyes. It will happen. I didn't think it would either... and it did. You'll make it!!!

 

Find a divorce and separation class through one of the local churches or organizations. Get yourself some books on the grieving processs.

 

One of the things they taught me at Div. Sep. Class was...

 

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. and you WILL make it.

 

Hugs to you .. love and light.

[Hope75]

And remember it's ok to hurt and feel angry- you wouldn't be human if you didn't. But everyone is right- stooping to his level is only a short term solution and in the end it won't help you process this or move on. You have class and integrity... too much to go there.

 

I hope you will come back and update us, and it takes time- give yourself that and take care of yourself in the meantime.

[Dako]

Strength,

Nothing wrong with anger.

I wish I'd had more of it when my wife dumped me. It would've helped.

[Dilly]

AWESOME!! Thank you for sharing - a message we all need to hear.