I am abused by my boyfriend...Help!

[Imtheone4u]

I am currently in a relationship going on almost 3 years off and on. It really makes me sick to my stomach to think that I have put up with this. He has verbally, emotionally, mentally abused me. Only he will never see it that way. He blames me, everything is my fault. I am the one that pushes him to behave that way. If there is one thing I know for sure is that you can't actually make someone treat you that way. What I mean by that is that we as people have self control. For example, " If I hit my man, and he hits me back. When the cops come to the door, he can't tell them well she hit me first. Why, cause WE would be both wrong for puttin our hands on eachother,"..Right??

I mean I have been sayin that to him for a long time now and it always goes back to it's my fault. Well anyway...till this day he always tells me stuff like..."shut the F*** up, you are so ignorant, immature," (all because he doesn't like hearin what I have to say or even agree with it), and so on. What is so bad about the situation is that when he tells it, he tells it as though he is this perfect angel. As though I am this f***ed up person, I am the one that needs conseling and so on. We went to conseling and we didn't finish cause he had to leave. And I know he didn't want to go anymore cause the fact of the matter is that someone was startin to put a mirrior infront of him. He didn't like hearing that he was wrong for lettin women continously cross the line, for him crossing it (no matter what he says), I have seen tons of emails...to confirm. I mean he is in such denial. He really is so manipulating. He always threanes to leave anytime I even step out the bubble. He says you are a B****, you are insecure, needy and the list goes on. I am at a lost cause we do have a baby together, I do love him, I am commited to makin it work. I am just not sure he even wants it. I can't even remember the last time he made me feel wanted and sexy. It is always about him, his family, his friends...and frankly I am tired. I always give in to him because I want it to work, but I feel as though he doesn't want it. Sometimes I feel like the only reason he has gotten us an apartment was out of fear. Fear of hittin him up for what belongs to him son. I mean I don't think he really cares about the person inside of me. I really do care, cause at every turn I sit and tell him, I am genuwine with him, honest and open, I tell him and help him on betterin himself for him (career wise) and so on. I just feel like leavin for good. Cause a WOMEN like me comes once in a blue moon. I mean i am not perfect by any means cause I have definitely hurt him and things like that, but I am not the person I used to be. I just can't take the manipulation, negativety, mental, verbal abuse. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like just leavin, gettin onn my feet for me, provide for my on, and claim what is righfuly his. I want to just move away with my baby and jsut live in peace. I don't even sleep anymore. I feel depprest. I mean I am seekin help for myself and have been for a few months but still feel stuck....someone please help!!!

[laboheme]

I'm sorry that you're in this situation...and the solution seems to be quite clear to me. You said you just want to pack up and move away with you baby...and that's what you should do. As committed as you may be to making it work, he has repeatedly shown you that he does not have the same kind of committment. Who leaves a counseling session unfinished because he has to go??? Your physical and emotional health is in danger, and you say you're losing your sense of self...Honey, you deserve so much better than him!

 

Do you have a place to go if you walk out of his life? Friends, family? Anyone who can help you raise your child? I personally don't think it's worth it to even have this guy in your life for the sake of your baby having a biological father...The sooner you say goodbye to him, the sooner you'll be able to find someone who will love you AND your baby!

 

Also, do you think he is the type of guy who would violently come after you if you just took off? If yes, make sure to explore any options for legal protection as soon as you can. And if you think you'll be safe, don't wait any longer, walk out...You've given him enough chances, and he wasted all of them. Time to reclaim your own life.

 

Best of luck!

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I am worried about you! do you have a safe place where you can stay? with some friends or family?

 

have you called an abuse hotline in your area?

[Imtheone4u]

Well yes I do have places to go. I haven't called the hotline. I guess you can say I am one of those people who tries to do it on her own. You know trying to be strong for myself and my son. I am seekin help though, I have been for a littlewhile now. I do have my mom, as my number one cheerleader. So that really helps.I want to go on the record and say, I am not rying to dogg him out, he does really have a good heart...but I can't vouch for the abuse. I believe he learned that from his father growing up, cause children are taught that behavior.

[ImThatGirl]

Hey There Sweetie~~~~

 

It makes a difference when you have a child together, doesn't it? Not that any of this would be acceptable if you did not have a child of course.

 

My son's father was an addict. Alot different than what you have to deal with your son's father. But in any case, life was hell living with him. I never knew when he'd be messed up, if he was going to blow up, if he was going to pass out, quit his job, show up on time. I was pretty much living as a single mom and I couldn't accept his behavior.

 

I couldn't bring myself to leave. Everyone thought we were so happy. Even my mom could not understand why I left until last year. My son is now 6; I left when he was 6 months old.

 

I'm gathering that you are in evaluation mode and determining how to get out and building strength to do it. I sincerely hurt for you knowing how he treats you. He sounds like a true manipulator and like he will always try to make you feel bad about yourself and hurt you rather than treat you how you deserve to be treated.

 

He's made it clear he's not going to change. I gave my son's father several chances before leaving to live with my mom (safety.) He's still the same as he was then (5.5 years later.) And will never change.

 

Remember that you deserve better than this! Your baby deserves better than this! I am here if you ever need to talk (pm me or post.) It will be a hard road, but a road worth taking! It can't possibly be any worse than what you are dealing with now.

 

Welcome to Enotalone. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

~Hugs~

[Gammy]

Hi there; your story touches my heart; because I have been in your shoes! Remember this; "WE teach others how to treat us"; by you taking his abuse, makes him stronger. Also; "No one can do anything to US; that WE do not ALLOW; them to do".

 

I was married to an abusive man (mental; phycial and verbal) for 11 years; and I stayed because of my Son! That is a poor excuse...my son would have been better off; without him. Once I got the courage to leave; it was so easy....all you need is the courage to know...enough is enough. If he Loved you; and was a good guy; at heart...he would not be calling you names.

 

When we are in these kind of situations; we think we are the only ones in the world; to put up with this...but believe me; you are not!

 

Get out....run; for yourself; and you Son! You said you believed he learned this behavior from his Father.....do you want you Son to learn the same behavior? I believe; down deep in your heart; the answer is NO!

 

I will be thinking of you; I am sure you have lots of support; from your family....use it! You are young; and you WILL find someone to Love you and your Son; and treat you the way you should be treated.

 

Just remember: We teach others; how to treat us!

[Imtheone4u]

I would like to say to the people who have responded: Thank you! I really appreciaste the kind words that you have said to me. And the answer to one of the questions was, "Deep down I don't want my son to learn that behavior from his fater." It really tears me up inside how he can do this to me. I mean I am far from perfect, but I am very different from the way I used to be. But it doesn't give him the right to do it to me. I mean if it was his daughter he would F***ing kill someone, but why is it ok for him to do it to me??? I am scared to leave him...I mean it's not the fear of being alone and someone not wanting to be with me, cause that is not the case. I know MEN who would love to be with me. It is just that you know how we are, we want it to work for our children. I can't seem to find the strength within myself. What is so crazy is that I have a very bad childhood and I was able to be strong but why can't I do it now? Maybe I am just not fed up?? I mean if I was I probably would have left already.One last thing...what really gets under my skin about it is when he hears other guys doing it to his close friends it gets to him...but what about when he does it to me?? Emotional, mental, spiritual...is worse thing you can do to someone...my parents did it to me and now him..

 

Also to those women who have experienced what I have went through...my heart also goes out to you!!! Hugs to you..you are not alone!

[ImThatGirl]

Imtheone: I got to a point that I was finally able to determine that having my son's father in his life would actually do more harm than good. That was the line for me. It was time to go. I still feel bad about it at times. But I know that my son is better because I left. I know he is a good, well rounded, happy, vibrant little boy because I left.

 

You mentioned that you are seeking help. Are you seeing a counselor?

 

Hugs~

[AwdreeHpburn]

Imtheone4u - how are things today?

 

I hope for you the strength to pull away and the courage to leave.

 

As you said, your son's well being IS at stake here.

 

Sometimes women make excuses for boyfriends, husbands, significant others or even abusive parents, but when it comes to the abuser hurting someone else, that's where we draw the line.

 

It's like we go into protection mode. Like, "HEY - I can take your abuse, but HE can't!"

 

Use it.

 

Put your child before yourself and get out for his sake and raise him to be a good man

 

You do have the power. You just need to proper motivation. As I see it, your son is it.

 

Please go stay with your mother or a friend even if you just tell yourself it's just for a few days.

 

Best,

 

Theresa

[Imtheone4u]

Yes, I am seein a conselor. I strated going, then we started together...and never finished now he has the nerve to say that it didn't work. It didn't cause he didn't like someone tellin him that he has faults too. The fact that she put a mirror in his face, you know. He didn't want to go after we moved in together....not to long ago. But I want to tell you more...how do you PM???

[Imtheone4u]

That last reply was for Im that gilr!

[ImThatGirl]

Click on quick links at the top.

 

Then click on Edit Options

 

Then at the bottom of the page, check enable pm's.

 

Let me know if you need help!

[Imtheone4u]

Are you talkin about the email part of it?? Ummm...cause I want to send them but I don't want anyone to be able to know my email address??

[annie24]

you can just enable private messaging. no one will find out your e-mail address.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you Annie... Yes, you can enable only private messages and nobody will see your email address.

 

I'll be here for another 1.5 hours and then off to take a test. I'll be around later though.

[Imtheone4u]

I still didn't see anything on there allowing me to do that option??

[annie24]

click on "user CP" in the upper left hand corner

click on "edit option"

scroll down and click on the box that says "enable PM"

[rose2summer]

Hey hun,

 

You need to get as far away from this man as possible.

 

Individuals who verbally abuse, many times will physically abuse in the future.

 

I know it's hard, because the abuse cycle is an up and down one.

 

You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem.

 

Here are the stages of the cycle of abuse:

 

The Tension-Building Stage

He becomes increasingly controlling during this period.

As tension and control increase, you attempt to accommodate the abuser (him) in order to keep peace.

 

The Abuse Stage

A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by him.

A trivial event is often used to trigger this abuse.

The Remorse Stage

Once the blows are delivered, the he is calmed.

Having regained composure, he is full of apologies and promises never to do that again.

Don't listen to those words, read his actions, the cycle is guaranteed to REPEAT AGAIN & AGAIN.

 

He is not going to change, and no amount of counseling will save him.

 

You should go to counseling by yourself and move on from him.

 

You have many wounds to heal from his abuse, and the cycle will go on forever.

 

Please save yourself and your baby from this type of abuse.

 

It seems right now that there are some good times, but with time, those good times will become less and less, the more control he has over you.

 

If you ever want to talk, I am always available.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Scout]

Hi, imtheone4u...let me also add a welcome to eNotalone! I'm so glad you found us.

 

I certainly agree with you that having a child gives you that much more of an incentive to try and work things out with your guy. And to be fair, it's probably an incentive for him, too. I mean, he is still there, albeit in an often unpleasant manner. You both definitely seem to be hitting several brick walls in your attempts to make this work out. It's too bad he gave up on counseling. Was the counselor very critical of him right off the bat? For highly defensive and insecure people like your guy sounds to be, that's usually not the best tactic to take. Or do you suspect it's difficult for him to talk honestly about personal issues?

[Imtheone4u]

Ummm..this is to respond to I'mthatGirl and annie24: When I go to my edit options for some reason I don't have the option of selectin PM. I don't know if when I registered there was something that I missed. Cause I don't see the option at all. So if someone can tell me what I need to do from here..I would really appreciate it...Thank you!

[laboheme]

Everybody here agrees that this environment will not benefit your child's upbringing, but it's still tempting to stay together for your son's sake, so that he has a father...I understand that. But here's another viewpoint: how old is your son? Yes, being separated from your biological parent almost always leaves a mark regardless of age, but if your son is still very young, it will be much easier to cope with that now. If you stay in the relationship longer and he grows up...not only will you suffer during that time, but if you end it down the road, it will be that much harder for your son to come to terms with your separation.

[ImThatGirl]

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** I hope this helps. It should be there. **

[Juliana]

What you aren't realizing is that it's very likely that the abuse he's putting you through now, he will also extend to your son later. So your son may grow up listening to his father telling him he's useless, weak, not a man, etc.

 

Go. You're not this guy's mother; it's not your job to help him see that he needs to be a better husband and father. He's a grown man. Stop trying to save him and save yourself, so that your son will have one good parent, at least.

[Fallout]

Hi there...first of all...you believe that he is a good man and he loves you...he isn't and he does not! Good people don't beat up phisically nor emotionally the ones they are supposed to love, of course he's nice some of the times, that way you can be trapped into staying with him, it's the classic cycle of abuse.

 

Here's an interesting read for you btw : link removed

 

Your situation is a classic one unfortunately, if you read the past threads on this section you'll find hundreds of women that went though the same thing you are..and they have one thing in common : the situation only changed for the worse, never for the better, so the only solution is to leave, and reporting him to the police so he can taste some of his own medicine in jail would be great too!

 

And last but not least...take it from someone that grew up in a similar situation...a child in a place like that can get screwed up for life, I know my life did because of it...are you willing to take that chance with your child ?

[DN]

Ummm..this is to respond to I'mthatGirl and annie24: When I go to my edit options for some reason I don't have the option of selectin PM. I don't know if when I registered there was something that I missed. Cause I don't see the option at all. So if someone can tell me what I need to do from here..I would really appreciate it...Thank you!

Moderator note: kamurj has fixed your profile - you should be able to send and receive private messages now.