Feedback Urgently Needed!!

[Captain34]

and the kicker is i could make this a much easier situation if i would start taking advantage of the time i run into her.

[Captain34]

maybe the main problem is that i havent been fully honest and told her just how ive been feeling for months.

 

so now its hard to come out and say exactly that without coming on too sudden or seeming fake.

 

i really dont have much problem at all approaching new women, but this dilemma with my ex really keeps me from pursuing.

 

just trying to be a bit clearer about everything...

[Captain34]

damn. so i listened to her on the radio today for the first time in a while. i happened to catch her on air, but i didnt tune out like i had been doing for a while...i guess because i wanted to hear how she sounded since i called her the other day.

 

Redqueen, you are right, I can't keep riding the fence. I need to hear from her one way or the other. Honestly I don't think this silence from her is fair, especially since NC won't work and mutual friends bring her up.

 

Ahhh, I am so torn. I don't know how to go about doing what I need to do. This girls kills me, I've never had someone get to me so badly.

 

I am so tempted to call her or send a note online that she would get through the request line. I have no idea what to do, I could use a ton of advice.

[sandyv]

Captain, I have followed your posts, yet never giving you my point of view. I see that you are very much in love with this woman.... but just like RedQueen says.. you most definitely have to deal with things, rather than make yourself insane debating back and forth in your head about whats going on... dontcha think?

 

From following your posts I really don't think you are making any progress whatsoever... sorry to be blunt, but I do believe you may be beating a very, very dead horse.....

 

Try to deal with things and move on....... nothings apparently going to change from what you have written for a very long time.....

 

 

 

[Captain34]

sandy, thanks for chiming in I appreciate it.

 

I really have moved forward since this summer in so many ways. But despite all that and all this time, its only made me realize clearly how much I love her.

 

I do have to deal with things. Yes I would love to reconcile, but even more importantly I feel the need to know that things are cool between us. it is very hard because i dont know if its right to do nothing or do more.

 

i am beating a dead horse because im posting, posting, posting but im not doing anything about it. do you know how great it would be just to grab a cup of coffee with her, catch up a bit, and hear how she feels about how things stand?

 

I dont think I am out of line hoping for that.

[Captain34]

just had a conversation with an old friend who is about as blunt as can be and the convo made me question/realize some things.

 

first, im not trying to act like i care about her or want to feel that things are cool between us just as a way to manipulate her. damn it pisses me off to think that i may be viewed as acting like such when i love this woman more than anyone else in the world.

 

i grew up in foster homes and it feels like everyone i have loved the most in my life has parted on sh*tty terms. when i was in highschool i lived with my girlfriend and her family for a while - obviously a situation that turned out badly. i left on bad terms and didnt say a word to them for 7 years - until today. it was that girl's birthday and i sent her a message thanking her and her family for everything and apologizing for my mistakes. i wish i would have done so earlier but i was afraid that i would be causing undo pain and would be selfish if i did.

 

i have a deep seated need to know for sure that the people i love most still think of me fondly even if we need to go our separate ways. that has been whats killed me with my ex. as hard as it has been i can accept that we each are going our separate ways and need not play a significant role anymore in each others lives. even though many things that have happened speak otherwise, i have accepted that. its the only way ive been able to move on to the point i have.

 

i just keep getting uneasy that i am not doing enough to show that i care regardless that her and i are done. on the one hand ive felt at times, despite her never saying so, that it is best for both of us if i just keep as much space as possible between us. but on the other hand, because i care so much, i cant help but think i should show that i care without having any alterior motives.

 

am i naive to hope that she and i can be friendly and comfortable around each other now that so much time has passed? am i naive to think that as first loves it would be meaningful to be able to talk now and then because we meant a lot to each other in the past. am i naive to hope that we can be friends now instaed of lovers, with full knowledge that becoming so takes time and is a process that has bumps in the road?

 

i am really torn here. i sent my old ex from way back a letter today because i am so regrettful that i didnt do more to live up to my mistakes and just plain show that i cared. i dont ever want to look back on things with my newest ex in the same way.

 

because ive gone through a lot in life I know I am a hard person to read and it often appears on the surface that I don't care when in truth my heart aches and my conscience pains for someone. I just want to reach out to my ex and get this whole point accross. yes i love her, yes i miss the days we were together, but i am not trying to get her back.

 

i just dont know how to show that i care so much and how id like things to be without coming on like im jusst saying all this to get her back.

[cherries]

captain,

 

i am gonna chime in briefly after reading the last few pages.

 

here is my most recent post:

 

as you can see, my ex is disinterested. i try to be nice. i love him. i want to help him. he is lonely, so am i. i have offered to hang out. he has asked to come to my house to see me.

 

the thing is - it has never made me feel better. if it goes well, i pine for him. if it goes badly, i beat myself up for annoying him.

 

from the way you are writing, i don't think it will make you feel better either.

 

i think that you want to help, advise and care for your ex and you will do this in pretty much any capacity. i am also guilty of this. what i am realising now is that my ex doesn't give a sh*t if i do this or not.

 

if she doesn't speak to you when she sees you, she doesn't care.

if she doesn't answer her phone, she doesn't care.

 

i'm sorry if this is harsh but it's a reality we are all coming to terms with. and i know it hurts because i've only been doing this for four weeks and i can barely function without him. but hey, he doesn't care about me. sure, he'll take my help, counselling, company and friendship but he wouldn't be bothered if it wasn't on offer. so what am i really gaining?

 

it's great to be altruistic but it's not always healthy. and you may be telling yourself a white lie if you really believe you just want to see her with no hopes of it developing past that.

[FCTex]

Great last post...

 

I haven't been one to take it all this far from my situation, but I can only imagine the sitting and waiting game...

 

It's like deer hunting.. only the deer are extinct.

 

Captain,

 

I'm really confused as to what your trying to say. Are you abandoning all hope of ever being a couple again? Is your whole motivation to just know that she's "okay" with you as a person? Are you wanting to be friends and only friends?? Are you wanting to be friends, only to sneak in like a wolf in sheeps clothing, and try and fix things from arms length?

 

Whats your goals after all of this?

 

You've called twice, never had her pick up. Left a voicemail, and never got anything back... MOST outgoing, and confident guys would move on.. She's in NC. It has nothing to do with her hating you, or not being okay with you.

 

Your naive to think that it's all about you. It's not. There are two people in this, and as altruistic as you'd like to be it's not working out like it should be.. Your naive to think that after all this time, that she owes you anything, or that you owe her anything. Regardless if she looks at you and you think she wants to say something.. That doesn't make it an okay situation. If she REALLY wanted to speak to you, don't you think she would? Or atleast call?

 

 

If what you need is the closure, then go get it. Even if it means showing up to see her unexpectedly. If she won't answer you calls, how do you expect to rationally see her and discuss something?

 

If you need her to say that you guys are okay, then go get it. But being okay, doesn't mean you hang out with her all the time. Being okay means that you can sit in the same circle of each other, and not just stare like you guys do.

 

You need to stop hurting yourself, and get rid of the excuses and the fantasies man.. Go see her, and throw it out there one time only, and see what happens. Or sack up, pack your junk up, and get your closure.

 

You might have moved leaps and bounds in months.. And your afraid of putting yourself back from where you are. But I have a clue dude. Your playing with fire and you WILL be burned right now. How severe is up to you. I've been there on this. You cross the line, you pay the fine, and it does hurt to a degree.. But in my heart, I felt I couldnt live without the one last try. The one last kiss, the one last word. Sure it ate me alive each day I contemplated it, but I got things where I wanted.. Enough for me to say.. "No thanks.. I won't have another."

 

Get what you want in the sight-glass. Figure out what you have to "pay" to get there, and do it. Move on from this, or fix this. But for crying out loud, stop beating yourself up man. It's not pretty to watch. You've got all these "fans" on here, and all your friends.. And your losing the game for yourself.

[Captain34]

thanks for all your feedback folks. i hit a rough spot earlier today but im glad im at the point now where i can accept t and keep from dwelling on it. i just took a ride to chill with some buddies and it made me feel much better about it all.

 

as much as ive posted i havent really stepped it up and acted on much - both due to indecision and sometimes I think its best to pull back. i havent heard much (directly at least from her), but I should stress I haven't done much either. plus, the fcat that she knows i have been dating hasnt helped much as far as communication goes.

 

what else can i do but what feels to ME to be the right thing? I keep killing myself wondering what the best thing is which only keeps me from being myself. it keeps me from being honest i suppose.

 

for instance Thanksgiving is around the corner. Of course I hope she has a nice holiday and her family is doing well. I'd like for her to give them my best. So I think I'll drop her a text saying that on Thursday. why? because thats what ill be thinking and consdiering the circumstances i dont see how i can go wrong doing so. if she wants to ignore me thats fine, i wouldnt be doing it for a response. i guess thats the difference in my motivation now. at the end of the day, regardless of her reaction, i want to be satisfied that ive done what was right even if it was a tough decision.

 

Space and time apart are things that I've learned have value, which is why I chose not to attend that party last weekend. But that doesn't mean I think ignoring her or the fact that I care for her completely is the way to go.

 

I need to stop worrying about what her reactions may be and start doing what I feel is right. The dilemma I've had is to show that I care while not going over the top.

 

Maybe I am confusing myself even more now? haha, well at least I feel better than I did early today. thanks again for the input...

[cherries]

if she wants to ignore me thats fine, i wouldnt be doing it for a response.

 

i think you ARE doing it for a response.

i can pretty much guarantee you will come on here a few hours later and tell us that she hasn't replied and ask us what you should do next.

 

why do you need to show her you care? she doesn't give a sh*t. that's obvious.

[FCTex]

So your trying to be nice, and not get a reaction from her??

 

Your THAT desperate that you want to just be her friend, be nice, and don't care about her reaction?

 

Dude, I think you've really lost it.. If your wanting to do what you want, why don't you do it and stop asking and wondering? Just get the drama over with instead of dragging it out into another month or year...

 

Your just walking circles around yourself and it's obvious your all about her at this point. Which is crazy, because she hasn't even answered one friggin' call from you!

[FCTex]

I think your the one with the problem letting it go. She's let it go, and you've got some hang up for some reason over the whole situation that she doesn't see...

 

I don't see why you just won't man up and go see her. It's obvious that she WON'T make PLANS to see you, since you can't even get her to talk to you in public and she won't even answer a phone call...

 

Just think man.. Think about you for once. Be selfish.

[Captain34]

i appreciate all the feedback. every time I read posts along these lines, i think to myself: but wait, I really haven't been doing anything so it isn't a problem of me doing too much or coming on too hard. the last time i saw her she didnt say hello, but i didnt either. point being, just because i didnt hear anything from her doesnt mean there isnt something going on. a month a go she tried real hard to get at me, but I really pushed her away.

 

i am about positive now that im going to contact her on thanksgiving. i know i dont "owe" her that but i would like to do it. a mutual friend suggested i send her a text...but isnt that worthless? why not just give her a call?

but should i leave a message?

 

my problem is that im worrying too much. whenever i think so hard about my actions i end being someone who im not. if i wasnt caught up in the nitty gritty id just give her a ring, wish her a happy thanksgiving, and tell her to give her family my best.

 

now a friend of mine wona sweepstakes and is thus having a party at a bar on the 14th. she and i were both invited, and both of us responded that we "might" be going.

 

you are right Tex, what I really need to do is stop standing by and watching things and take some initiative and get things moving, regardless of what direction they move in. this limbo isnt a good thing...

[kekep]

hey captain, i've been following your posts for quite some time on this girl. believe me, i know how much it hurts to be rejected by someone you love or thought you loved. probably the worst feeling in the world. i wanted to respond to some of your thoughts, in the hopes that I could personally be responsible for helping you move on from this breakup. yes, i'd like to be that super breakup warrior hero for you. OK, let's get down to it:

every time I read posts along these lines, i think to myself: but wait, I really haven't been doing anything so it isn't a problem of me doing too much or coming on too hard.

thing is, you ARE doing too much and coming on too hard, and i absolutely promise you that she can sense that. you two are broken up, so you should not be in contact with her AT ALL. i don't care if you both have the same friends and happen to run into each other all the time--there is no coincidence in your actions when it comes to her, only intentions!

 

i am about positive now that im going to contact her on thanksgiving. i know i dont "owe" her that but i would like to do it. a mutual friend suggested i send her a text...but isnt that worthless? why not just give her a call? but should i leave a message?

how about trying this: don't call her at all! that's what no contact is all about, and i'm sorry to say this, but every single person on this message board can't be wrong about implementing it. it's the only way for you to heal from this. and since i know at this point you're most likely only concerned with winning her back, let me put it to you this way: the ONLY way that will ever happen in a million years is if you STOP OBSESSING, STOP PUTTING HER ON A PEDESTAL, AND MOVE ON!! If your goal is to win her back, and I think we all know that's what it is, date other people, get back to your old hobbies and friends, and your old way of life when you were a happy single person and forget about her. at the very least, even if she never comes back to you, you'll be in a position to move on from her. stop asking the 'what if i do this?' questions, b/c they have nothing to do with yourself, they have to do with HER, and that's your worst mistake. i'm speaking from experiencing this myself.

 

my problem is that im worrying too much.

exactly! so stop the madness!!!

whenever i think so hard about my actions i end being someone who im not.

so you recognize yourself as behaving insecurely? and you're doing nothing to stop it!!!????

if i wasnt caught up in the nitty gritty id just give her a ring, wish her a happy thanksgiving, and tell her to give her family my best.

why don't you offer to babysit her cats while she's on a trip with her new boyfriend? hey, if you're gonna be this nice to someone who's crushed your heart, why not take it to the next level?!

 

now a friend of mine wona sweepstakes and is thus having a party at a bar on the 14th. she and i were both invited, and both of us responded that we "might" be going.

to this i say, "who cares if she goes?!" and by the way, don't go, even if you think there's only a minute possibility she could be there. i'm sure your friend will understand.

 

you are right Tex, what I really need to do is stop standing by and watching things and take some initiative and get things moving, regardless of what direction they move in. this limbo isnt a good thing...

see, I disagree with Tex. Ya'll are broken up, and she hasn't responded to any of your attempts to contact you in the past. That should be closure enough for you. look, breakups suck a whole bunch of mustard, and they hurt like hell, but 6 months down the line, i guarantee you it will feel a THOUSAND times better to look back on this period in your life and say "hey, at least i behaved with dignity and self-respect even though i felt like sh*t. i didn't lose it and behave like a psycho ex-boyfriend." think about how you'll feel when you run into her and, even if you still have those feelings for her, aren't embarrassed by the way you behaved. keep your dignity intact, man. again, sorry for the tough love, but i'm trying to help you out and get you through this. ((BIG HUG))

[FCTex]

But see, it's too late for that.

 

He's got his feet deep in the wet concrete and he has to move. He's stuck. He's invested too much in himself over this...

 

It's been plenty of time, had he stayed a way and done what you suggested that things would be in the clear. I understand that.. But *I* like him.. Went the way of busting my head on the wall, many a time, and getting hurt over and over before I realized what the end notion would be...

 

 

Captain has to sit down, and break it down. He wants this girl, loves this girl, would do anything to fix it. BUT, she doesn't make any amends to do anything. No calls, no text, no e-mail, and only sees and hears of him from mutual friends.

 

Now..SHE is doing what shes suppose to. She for what I can read, is done with this relationship, and everything with it. Captain, has put more into it. He's built up his side to the situation and he has to break it down.

 

He needs to do something. But he has to stop the pain and the agony of limbo.. Eitheir make the one last ultimatum to himself, call her, or see her and lay it out and then if he gets a green light, go for it, or go away..

 

But what it comes to is getting moving. He's done nothing but pile on the trash.

[Captain34]

kekep,

 

you are right, but ive already been there...after which she came after me. i was caught off guard and things didnt go smoothly, mostly because of lack of action on my part.

 

Tex, your post is on point.

 

Is an ultimatum really the way to go?

 

What about just following through when I see her? Thats something to think about.

 

But right now I need to decide whether I will contact her tomorrow.

That's what I need advice on.

[FCTex]

I wouldn't...

 

First off, her track record just shows she wont answer.. Leaving a voicemail will get you the same results as before more than likely. Even if she answered, is NOW, really the time to use the holiday as a reason to get leverage to talk to her seriously about this?

 

I wouldn't think so.. all roads point to No..

 

I'd let the holidays pass, and then give it a go.

 

As far as following through. Whats your plan? If it's to 'wait and see' then I think your just fishing man.. I think an ultimatum unto yourself is what you need... that a, "Yes and No" will be taken..

 

There is no middle of the road, left for interpretation for her man. It's cut and dry. Black and White.

 

But to answer. I'd let it pass. Your doing it for a reaction regardless or not. If your doing it solely because you'll feel good being a "nice guy" then there wouldn't be any hesitation. Your fishing for her to answer. Your wanting something, and it would just be untimely to get the same thing from her now.

[Captain34]

you are right - if you call someone it is wit the hope or expectation to talk to them, and i dont want to get into all of this on the holiday. i think im just going to send a text.

 

i really dont want this to be about getting a reaction - that seems worse to me to do on a holiday than simply keeping quiet. im just gonna throw out a couple kind words and leave it at that for now.

 

then ill figure out what i want to do to end all this limbo.

 

thanks for the advice...

 

and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[Survictor]

I don't mean to be rude here, ok? You called her and she didn't call back. If she had wanted to speak with you, take things further, she would certainly have returned your call!

 

Your depth of feeling is only good if it is reciprocated... otherwise it is suffocating!

 

I had a relationship where the guy refused to let it end. He said I gave him mixed messages. Darn it, I told him I wanted a divorce!!! How clear did I have to be! And he would turn up where he knew I was likely to be and when I looked at him I occasionally felt pity and guilt that I didn't reciprocate those feelings. He thought I looked at him lovingly.

 

Perhaps you are misinterpreting those looks? It seems to me that you are reading things that aren't there. Stop doing that and look at the facts.

 

She hasn't called you back.

 

Move on and find someone whose feelings will match yours.

[Captain34]

Survictor, thanks for your input. Contacting her is something I want to do for me. I honestly feel better knowing that I can be mature enough to put the bullsh*t aside for a moment and wish her a nice holiday.

 

We had a previous breakup where the same sort of 'inaction" on her part caused all my friends to give me the same advice - that my chances were dead and that I was just prolonging the healing process. I understood them then, and I understand you now.

 

But I can't help going with my gut on this. HOPES FOR RECONCILIATION ASIDE, I do not feel right not wishing her a happy holiday since that is what I am truthfully thinking. In all honesty, the only reason why I wouldn't would be if that would help chances of reconciliation...but like I said, I'm putting all that aside.

 

I've been asking for feedback on this, which I truly appreciate, but I really shouldn't need so much prodding or advice on wishing someone a happy holiday.

[Captain34]

so I sent her a text, the same one i sent to many, many friends I hope had a nice holiday.

 

I was thinking of sending her a separate one just for her, in spanish, but there was no reason for that.

 

so to all you enotaloners, I wish you the same I wished to all the people I care about in the world:

 

"Happy Thanksgiving, gobble gobble"

 

Jeez, I can't believe I was pining over this for so long. It really wasn't a big deal.

[Captain34]

so i sent of the texts to all my friends, including my ex, set the phone down and had a nice dinner. i didnt worry about any response or how she might react to my text. i sent it because i felt it was the right thing to do, and i felt glad after i did. i was smiling.

 

didnt hurt that i got a response either. if you all would like the details holla back!

[Captain34]

Hope you all have had a wondeful holiday weekend.

 

It's been nice the past few days. My ex is out of town, and honestly sometimes its nice to know she is far away and I have no chance of bumping into her. Plus, I don't worry about her being with someone else when she is out of town with family.

 

It felt good to send her a Happy Thanksgiving text, and I must admit it felt good to get a response, which was:

 

"happy thxgiving to you too!

 

She responded about an hour and a half after I sent the text, which makes me think she thought about her response a bit. I happened to be on the facebook after I sent it, and I continued my habit of checking her page. She was online within minutes of me sending the text.

 

All this time, and the periods of NC have proven to me hand down that I'm completely in love with her. I've been on dates and been intimate with other women, had a great time, but nothing seems to compare to my ex.

 

I guess the hardest thing are the huge swings I have in my interpretation of where she is at. One day I'll think its over for good and another day I'll be sure that she ants me to come after her. I wouldn't say that much of it "hurts" me very much anymore (except of course if I were to hear she was in a new relationship), but rather that it wears on me. I think about her everyday.

 

At the very least I would like to be friends with her - she means a lot to me and brought about some very positive changes and developments in my life. But that makes things hard, because I am afraid if I come right on and lay my feelings out, I would scare her off if she didn't feel the same and I'd ruin any chances for friendship.

 

Its just that I keep seeing so many indirect things that really make me feel that she still loves me. Now granted they are indirect, but consider the fact that I'm head over heels for her and I haven't been direct about anything for months. We had a previous breakup last winter and things followed the same lines - very little was said, but after we got back together she told me about how she had been feeling. Thats another hard thing - I look for similarities between now and the last period we were apart. I'm sure this can be of some help, but I'm sure it can also get out of hand.

 

I know I need to do something to resolve all of this, I just have a hell of a time deciding what to do. We were both invited to a party a friend of mine is throwing on the 14th, and she responded that she might go. I don't know if I should wait until then to speak to her or I should do something about it before then. I'm not trying to go over the top so I often think that initiating too much contact on my end is a bad idea.

 

Many of you advsied that I should have refrained from sending her a text on the holiday, fearing I wouldn't hear back and I would be hurt. But I sent it and I felt goo about it. I received a response, which was great, but now my mind is going in circles as to what that means.

 

Honestly, sitting down with her and just being open and honest about everything would make it so much easier. The hardest part is not knowing, wondering, etc.

 

So I have to do something. But again, I just don't know what to do...

[Survictor]

I posted something in another thread about something my Dad said to me whilst growing up. It was and still is his advice on 'the chase'.

 

It's a bit like a puppy dog. Chase it and it runs away. Run away and it follows.

 

If he/she doesn't follow, it's because there is nothing there.

[mikeca]

"if I wrote you a symphony" where do I know that line from, can't put my finger on it but at the very least you should know that this guy is a plagiarist.

.

 

 

 

justin timberlake - my love

If I wrote you a symphony

Just to say how much you mean to me

 

what would you do

 

If I told you you were beautiful

Would you page me on the regular