Feedback Urgently Needed!!

[Captain34]

throwing up another post to vent a bit.

 

met up last night with the new gal i met this past week and had a good time. can't say that im head over heels for her but im interested in seeing where things could go. obviously i had to run into my ex's best friend on our way to grab my date's coat before we left. i didnt like having that whole situation come up at that moment and i wish i could go about my business without having running into people who'll report back to my ex. i wonder how she took the news. found out today that the new girl has a class with my ex - ](*,) . everything is so damned interconnected it gets ridiculous.

 

my ex also finished her tenure at her position at work today which i sa pretty big event. knowing her im sure she's excited but at the same time i can see her getting down about it ina few days. guess ive still got some residual concern for her. there's nothing wrong with that, i'm just going to recognize it and then put it away. normally i would have planned some sort of party for her to celebrate. i guess id enjoy doing that, its unfortunate that it is not a good idea considering the current situation. it would be nice if it'd be cool to drop a line and say congrats....i guess i considered that for a millisecond. even though i find it the nice thing to do im trying to not be concerned about all that.

 

spoke with the other girl i was seeing, the one who i rebounded with this past summer. she's strange, more back and forth than a tennis match. i believe its about time to cut her off.

 

so ive been meeting new women and am open to intimacy with them, which has been great. still have the ex in the back of my mind at times though. its tough when i know i could run into her or her friends at almost anytime.

[FCTex]

Keep sticking to your guns.

 

Regardless of running into her friends, or her, or women you meet who happen to have classes with your ex.

 

Might I ask though, do you bring up your ex? How did you both confirm this new girl and your ex have the same class and know each other?

 

I'd avoid talking or asking about your ex, if possible.. If that is the case..

 

Another thing is, while I complete understand the "squirm" factor of being with a new girl and running into old "territory"... What would it matter?

 

Your not throwing anything at anyone by minding your own business and continuing on your own.. If you hit a speed bump, stay in the car, tap the breaks and pull away.

 

Sounds like your in a good place, keep it up.

[Captain34]

Did not bring up the ex at all. Nothing even generally related to her.

 

The class they have together came up out of conversation with both of them. They each told me that they were taking it, and I asked if they were with the professors I had taken it with - both do. So they have the same class together, no doubt. I would not be surprised if my ex is also aware of this. Maybe even vice versa because the new girl is friendly with the gf of a close friend of mine. Part of me feels for her if that hurt her at all, but part of me doesnt even think it is worth my concern. I am actually tring to keep this new fling behind closed doors so to speak....I dont want this past breakup to interfere with anything that could develop with someone else.

 

I know I'm not throwing anything in her face, but thanks for the reassurance. It was clearly obvious to her friend when I left that night that I would be taking her back to my place for the night. I assume out of caution that my ex has been intimate since the breakup, but I wouldn't want to hear about so matter-of-fact-ly. Maybe her friend didn't tell her, but I doubt that.

 

Thanks for the reply, its been quiet around here lately.

[TheRedQueen]

RedQueen, why did you ask me if she is worth it to me and if my love is genuine?

I asked you this so you could properly assess whether your current feelings for her are genuine, independent of her rejecting you (or any other "mind games" being played).

 

Sometimes when we're confronted with rejection, our judgement becomes clouded and all of the sudden we feel as though we are absolutely in love with the one who's rejected us. If we loved them prior to the rejection, all of the sudden we love them infinitely more, or if we didn't love them before the rejection, all of the sudden we realize that we're head over heels in love with them now. Basically our feelings become intensified because deep down we know we can't have them. I know this feeling well because I myself have fallen victim to this pattern too many times to count.

 

Long story short, I ask you if she's "worth it" because if she truly is, then and only then would it be "worth" your time to pursue her.

 

I hope this helps and I apologize for the delayed response.

 

Good luck Captain!!

[Captain34]

enough time has passed, actually enough time A_P_A_R_T, that my feelings are genuine. A while back rejection was keeping me from an honest assessment of how I felt.

 

So I would say it is worth my time to pursue her. Thing is after all this time and everything that has gone down I am very perplexed as to what is the best way to attempt to improve things between her and I. In all honesty it really would be worth my time even if reconciliation could only progress to the friendship level.

 

So if you were me how would you all go about "pursuit"?

[Captain34]

I really get the feeling she is hurting more in regards to all this than I am right now.

 

I'd still like some input as to what you all would do if you were me right now....

 

I did want to send her a neutral congrats on finally finishing up her position at work. maybe thats my way to break the ice.

 

Thing is I feel like that is the wrong move for reconciliation. Am I crazy thinking continued NC is the way to go?

[Captain34]

obviously i run into her tonight

 

they couldnt write a soap opera this good. wait, scratchh that - im not a fan of sopa operas.

 

so i went out to the bar to actually talk business with a friend of mine - we work for companies who should really have a marketing relationship. one pitcher in and a good conversation with a cute girl begun, i see her friends walk in.

 

then there was a pause for a couple of minutes. she ended up coming in. didnt recognize her at first in her costume, but honestly i loved it. she makes me laugh that damn sweet thang. her friend started talking with the girl i was speaking with before she came in. then my ex walks over, i dont recognize her at first, then i have a huge grin because i really did love her costume. we didnt talk, but at teh end of the night she was pushing to win a prize, being loud and catching attention right down the bar from me. i went outside, while waiting for my friends to come out i started to chat with another gril. my ex walked out and saw this, kept looking my way. eventually went over to chat with that girls friend, a woman i have a real thing for. on the way over i went up behind my ex while she was standing with her girls, waiting..., and put my hands on her shoulders and told her "nice grills" with a big smile. i thought it was funny, she was dressed up as flava. she smiled but i walked away right afetr that. she was still hanging around when i pushed to get out of there.

 

wow, i could sense it was time again for another run in. i really feel like im in the drivers seat now because ive been moving on. i was very casual tonight - losse, myself, talking up everyone and havign a good time. plus the ladies were digging my style.

 

gotta sleep on this now. holla back enoters, im gonna need some feedback to respond to.

 

but once again: driver's seat. bout time to shift into 3rd gear.......

[ranlian]

you know, sometimes it's hard trying to find that point in which to break the ice. in the end though, i've determined that the best time to break NC is when you no longer think of her anymore...

 

reading over your posts makes it feel comforting for me to know i'm not the only one trying to deal with similar issues. i'm gotta stop checking up on her friendster and myspace, and i'm only prolonging my healing because i continue to do so. right now, i'm just working on trying to get out of my current environment and start something completely new where no one knows me. at least, it'll put me in the driver's seat too.

 

let's just pray that we don't crash. keep posting... we're reading your updates, even though we may not necessarily reply.

[Tshwane]

CAPTAIN, im in the same situation believing that my ex loves me even when she tells me that we can't be together. I broke 30 days of NC just to hear her recite the same old story. She said she'll call today, i told her dnt call if she's not ready to give us a try.

 

I say just let it go man, like me she'll call when/if she changes her mind. I've decided to live like she's dead(ouch)

[FCTex]

Captain,

 

So she didn't so anything but stare at you? Didn't talk to you, but hung around you?

 

 

Don't get me wrong bud, but the fact she was within eye sight, or whatever to you, doesn't mean she was yearning to be talked too.

 

The fact you walked up, touched her(sign of affection), and said something, smiled and was nice, and she didn't do anything is strange..

 

I think she might have just accepted that she'll have to run into you, and that your paths cross.. And that the best road traveled is to do nothing to let it die.. Saying and doing nothing, but acknowledging someone is shoddy to do, but it does work..

 

I had a run in with my ex last night too I'm going to post about, but what I got was FAR more than you did, and we've been broken up for over a year and havent seen each other in months. I haven't heard from her, seen her, or even seen a picture of her in months...

 

Why do you feel the need to get on stable ground with her? Do you feel like you have to have atleast a base level friendship with her to feel like everything is okay?

 

It's like your grabbing for anything "her"...

 

It sounds like your having fun with other women. Why not let that ride for a while? Why not take some genuine time for yourself. A week, or a month is not a great amount of time by any means...

 

 

I know it might sound weird, but to know that your "ex", your "other part" still thinks of you and still holds you in high regard.. Last night.. My ex grabbed my arm... looked me in the eyes, cried, hugged me, kissed my cheek and told me she loves me.. Told me she misses me alot, thinks of me more than she thinks is appropriate, and wanted to make sure I didn't hate her...

 

It's been over a year.. Close 15 months... 15 months.. Thats over 450 days that have passed..

 

I held my ground, and kept it civil in the respect of not kissing her back, or anything innapropriate, but I did too shed a tear when I got hom and took my sweatshirt off, and my arm and my neck smelled like her.. That scent, just made me tear up a little, because it's such a comforting smell to me...

 

 

Just hold your own man.. But honestly, go for what you want. Break the ice at any cost you feel your heart can afford. If you feel it's right, then it's right, and you only learn from it..

 

Just follow your heart, but don't cause yourself pain by looking at hindsight.

[Captain34]

Tex,

 

Many props for handling things the way you did last night. Talk about composure. Keep it up man.

 

She and I were only in the bar together for say 30 minutes or so. Firsther friends walked in and saw me, then were out of sight - I assume to let her know I was there and see if she was ok. Next thing is my ex's friend goes up and starts talkign with the girl I was speaking with to the point where she kind of positioned herself between us. Then my ex walks right up to me - I really didn't recognize her at first in her costume. When I did I just started laughing because it really was mad funny.

 

Then my ex and her girlfriends move 20 feet away or so and I could feel her eyes on me the whole time. At the end of the night there was a costume contest atop the bar. The girl I was chatting with hopped up and then right afterward my ex hops up too. She was trying to attract my attention, no doubt.

 

After the bar closed people were hanging outside the bar for a minute, including my ex and her girlfriends. Again, she had her eyes on me. As I walked past ehr group over to find my ride I told her I liked her costume. Sure I touched her but I wasn't being intimate - I came up from behind her and wanted to get her attention. I didn't give her a chance to respond - I wasn't looking to chat. I was just trying to be friendly without going to far. If I hadn't had approached her at all i would have felt I made the same mistake that I made a month ago by being too passive.

 

But most importantly I was less affected by her presense last night than I have been since the breakup. I was having a good time and I didn't change how I was acting because she was there. It sure helped that I've been doing well in the dating game lately, not to mention that a couple ladies I am attracted to had been flirtateous with me the whole night.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

[Captain34]

So over the weekend I went with some friends to a house where some mutual friends with my ex live - they are all ladies. I knew my ex would be out of town so I had no hesitation in going. Plus, I really am just sick and tired of this whole thing being such a big deal. And when I say big deal its as if its continually a gossip topic. So laaaaaaaaaame.

 

Anyways I had a very good time chillin chillin. At one point this gal brings up the situation with my ex while we happened to be standing off from the crowd. I just said I was trying to be a good guy about it, but it was pretty clear to me that she was diggin diggin to see where I was at.

 

Last night I went to chill out at a buddy's house - only to have it sprung on me that he saw my ex and said gal having coffee yesterday afternoon.

 

I've made the attempts to reach out and at least communicate to make this easier - for both of us. Doesn't this just seem immature?

 

Frustrating.

[FCTex]

See. Your still doing it.

 

You had a friend tell you he saw your ex and the girl you happened to talk about your ex to having coffee..

 

What did you first think of that?

 

"THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT ME!"

 

Just drop it. I'm sure that wasnt the reason.. Oh, and if they did talk about you.. Obviously it didn't change her mind to talk to you...

 

Keep moving!

[Captain34]

they were talking about me, no doubt. what does that mean????...nada

 

 

so i need some concrete advice.

 

1) my ex's work is having a beirut toureny(pong) at my frat house on saturday...my gut feeling is not to attend because she will be there. why? becausei'm sure she will expect i'll be there. plus, seeing her is my prime motivation for going.

 

2)early saturday evening a mutual friend is having a 21st bday party at her house - my ex and i are both invited. i really do want to at least make an appearance. the catch? i have a date ata bout the same time with another girl. what do ya'll think about me bringing the new gal to the party, seeing as how i may run into my ex. i'm not trying to make her jealous, seriously. at this point i'm only concerned about m ex's feelings. but, she broke it off, its been4 months, so she should have to deal with her own decision, no?

 

 

Tex and Redqueen, I'm looking at you both for some feedback her. but the rest of you enotaloners, feel free to chime in!

 

P.S. - Tex, I know I'm still somewhat caught up on her....but cmon, shes still caught up on me! ahhhhhhh

[TheRedQueen]

Captain, if you don't mind me asking, what were the reasons behind her breaking up with you?

 

Also, why are you so reluctant to move on? And no, you dating other girls and having sex with them does little, to nothing to prove that you've actually emotionally moved on.

 

Long story short... honestly, what do *you* want out of this situation?

 

Are you sure that you're willing to sacrifice your peace of mind, and your sense of worthiness for whatever it is that you so desperately seek (love, approval, validation, reconciliation, etc.) ?

 

Not to sound cliche, but neither she nor anybody can give you these things as effectively as you can yourself.

 

First, you must define what your goal is. Once you do that, you should analyze whether, or not your goal is a reasonable one, i.e. whether or not it's attainable. If it is, your next and final step would be to organize and execute the necessary steps you'd need to take in order to achieve this goal.

 

This might sound like too much of a cut and dry approach, but I think it may help.

[FCTex]

I think RedQueen pretty much put what I've been trying to say, but in a girly easy to read way..

 

To answer your questions man,

 

I'd say go play beer pong all night till you fall over.. Not only because it IS your house, and the people there are your BROTHERS.. But more importantly, go because you want to, regardless if she's coming or not.

 

If she doesn't show, then so be it, if she does, then that certainly doesn't mean anything. You both have reasons to be there. If you see her, which you will, smile if she's looking at you for a long gaze. But don't bring attention to yourself. If you understand what I mean about that.. Be warm and inviting to others, but if she looks at you, just be warm, but not inviting. Don't project that you'd like to talk to her.

 

Just because she shows up, looks at you, or god forbid, talks to you.. DOESNT MEAN SHE WANTS YOU BACK OR WANTS YOU TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.

 

Got that?

 

Second questions,

 

Which did you promise first? Party or Date? Be the respectful guy, and go to whatever you deem more important. Don't mix both. Regardless if you wanna do both.

 

First off, I don't know what it'll accomplish to bring your date, because obviously you want your ex back, and regardless of what you say and do, deep down, you don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

What really bothers me about this, is that you said, "at this point my only concern is my ex's feelings."

 

What the hell has she done to deserve this pedestal for her feelings?

 

You do what you want to do. It's really obvious that YOU won't do anything, and you want to pad your ex from any hurt as you attempt to move on.

 

No matter how many dates, how many numbers, or how many girls you sleep with, it's obvious that you don't WANT to move on, that your only occupying your time with all of this to make yourself feel better about sitting on the problem.

 

I don't know what you want to do, overall it's your choice, but stop just going in circles....

[TheRedQueen]

I think RedQueen pretty much put what I've been trying to say, but in a girly easy to read way..

 

Thanks for the insult, er I mean compliment, cool. *holds back fingertips*

[Captain34]

goal is reconciliation. if tat cant happen id like to work on a friendshi with her. i love her, care about her, but i just plain miss her company. she was fun.

 

as far as the deal with other women - i know that doesnt help me move on from my ex. BUT, it has helped me get my swagger back. plus, ive been out of the game for a while and its good to get the rust off. ive been doing very well for myself in that arena.

 

i always, always get a feeling when something significant is going to happen between her and i. seems like i always call it when ill see her - its eery. i am getting that feeling about this weekend.

 

i just dont know if its best to just let it develop naturally - and by that i mean let her make a move(i hate the sound of that).....or....pursue myself.

 

the breakup happened, imo after sorting out the bs she gave me i think as a way to soften the blow, because shehadnt had much other experience in relationships and shes almost done with college. not to mention i had just graduated and could have been leaving town at any time. plus, i was hurtin personally trying to figure out what direction i wanted to take my life in.

 

but now, ive got my house in order like woah. seriously, im in a phenomenal place personally other than this situation with her. second, im living here at least through the end of may, so there's no worries about me taking off to accept a faroff job. third, i know she misses me.

 

there were some other issues. we had been togetehr in the same routine for a long time and things needed a fresh start. i hate to admit it, but this breakup may very well have been the best thing that could have happened for the long term success of things between her and i.

 

and RedQueen, dont be pissed at Tex, hes agood guy. besides, we all know what a brilliant love doctor you are

[TheRedQueen]

Sweetheart, the only reason why I *don't* think you are being delusional is due to the fact that I myself have been in somewhat of a similar situation.

 

The guy who I lost my virginity to freshman year of college has consistently been in and out of my life for over six years. Despite other people's overwhelming advice for me to give up on him and the situation, I stuck to my guns and new that he was ultimately worth my time, energy and effort, and guess what, I was right, he is. (We're going skiing for Thanksgiving, yipee!!)

[surviveitall]

Captain,

 

You need to let go a little bit. Look - if it was meant to happen, these little things don't mean anything in the big picture. One of the things that always made me remember this was the saying that "if she wanted to be with you, SHE WOULD BE WITH YOU." These little adjustments and worrying aren't going to change what is supposed to happen.

[Captain34]

listen ya'll,

 

i gotta be clear on this - I am doing pretty damn well. I'm going out often and having a great time, meeting new people, allowing myself to see what develops with other women, and most importantly making huge bounds professionally. I am even busting my * * * to study for the MCATs which I'll be taking in January.

 

I really have let go. However it is tough to remove myself completely from the situation because we have mutual friends and run into each other fairly often. Plus, it is clear there is still something there on her end. Believe me, I am far from delusional. Months ago I was a wreck and maybe that would have been an appropriate description. But now its just not like that.

 

RedQueen, I am glad you understand where i am coming from. At my age its hard to be tied down for so long - I mean cmon this is the time of life to live it up. I just know that there are still pages to be written in the story of her and I.

 

I was out of town on the business the last couple days so I haven't had much time to tink about this weekend. I think about it a bit tonight and post my thoughts to this thread. I may very well run into her tonight - I have the feeling that I will. regardless, you all will be hearing form me soon.

[FCTex]

Thanks for the insult, er I mean compliment, cool. *holds back fingertips*

 

Sorry if you took that the wrong way honey... I meant it in a good way honestly. I liked your advice, it was straight cut.

[FCTex]

I don't think your delusional eitheir, I'm in/was in the same situation. Just to show how my situation is so similar, and that I KNOW what it feels like. Here's where I currently am.

 

I work for my ex's father. I'm best friends with her brother. Her mother calls me atleast once a month. I see her brother 2-3 times a week. I see her father 5 times a week.

 

I live less than 2 city blocks away from her apartment. She lives with her brother. I go over there sometime to meet up with him. I'm friends with some of her friends, and hell, I've even got friends I've made who wanted to date my ex..

 

I see her every holiday, and every summer when she works at my facility..

 

She is not gone, but what I know is that to me, she is, and regardless if I can smile at her, and wish her a happy holiday, or go help her family out, is fine. But I don't move it anymore than that.

 

She misses me. She and I broke up because we were young and it was too serious for a long time. She was scared.. it's all bull * * * * reasons in the end for every break up...

 

Do I think she's going to come back to me one day?

 

More than likely. Our lives were set to live the luxury life together. Me marrying into the family, taking her fathers business to another level with him and me moving up. I'm young. I have a house, 2 cars, a pet. I pay for all of my living expenses, I have all my insurance, I have credit cards, I have bills. I travel from time to time. I'm thrilled with my life other than my relationships sometimes. Much like you.

 

She has kept everything, through 3 moves of mine. I've been in her room. She calls me every once in a while. I see her at the bars. I've taken her home when she needed a ride. She's called in the middle of the night upset and needed my voice to comfort her.

 

I can live with our paths meshed together, but regardless of her missing me like she says, and loving me still... And always breaking down infront of me.. It doesn't make her get back with me. It doesn't fix it..

 

Banging my head on the wall, didn't fix it..

 

You just need to find the happy medium, where you understand that it's OKAY to live on, and do as you want regardless of what your ex hears and see, and that it's free game if they get hurt in the process of seperation and second hand stories. I'm in a relationship, I can do as I please and she and I can only watch each others lives from a one sided glass mirror... We don't have the room to get hurt anymore.

 

One day it might happen. One day it might not. But more importantly you have to live for now, and if you happy NOW with what you have, then thats all that matters. If you goals are to atleast have an open door with her, then make it open. Tell her you'd atleast like to be friends if thats your case.

 

Just tread easy on the decisions you make to bring them closer. Sometimes fire spreads.

[Captain34]

i didnt run into her last night, though i did see several of our mutual friends. only the female mutual friends seem to ever bring things up. the friend who is having the party tonight yelled my name from a block away but i gnored her - until she ran after me to make sure i was coming to her party. i could tell she had some alterior motive. thing is this party had an evite to which my ex rsvp'd, so i know she will be there, and she knows i know it.

 

im not going to the party, i have other things to do. seems like thats the best move regardless of the way things stand. i do want to see her but i cant always be going to place when i know she will be there. not that i have been doing this, but it doesnt hurtto bail out his time, i think.

 

still very confused about it all

[FCTex]

Sounds like your making a decent move.. Go on the date with that other girl..

 

You need to stop trying to pin things to motives for people trying to twine you and your ex together. Thats not always the case. One thing to keep in mind, regardless of mutual or not, some people don't care about the drama between the two of you. Others don't really care to even follow it and assume that this is all going on. Most might see the actions of you and your ex, and nothing between it, and assume everything was just as broken as it was 4 months ago.

 

I just don't really see what your doing with it all anymore, and I don't think you do eitheir. You basically don't have anything from her anymore. You really just see her, or hear of her when your out, and you share a little bit of time with her via looking at her facebook and the like...

 

Your confused, yes, but I think your just really out of ideas as to what could change all of this..