Why does she want it so cut and dry!?

[FCTex]

I don't have many problems in the sex department, but I do have one thats kinda irking me a little. Sometimes to the point where I'd rather pass on sex, get a good nights rest, and deal with the "boys" the next evening alone.

 

My girlfriend and I have good sex when we have it. And we have it about 3-4 times a week roughly. Sometimes more, others less.

 

However, while she does turn me on, and she does want sex sometimes more than I do, she doesn't do much about it.

 

She's only been with one other guy, and it was long term. She's willing to try alot that I suggest, and she's mentioned she's okay with new things.

 

However, she will hint to me she wants some anytime during the evening, and when we get ready to go to bed, she will just lay there. The sexual tension is so thick you could choke on it.

 

She lays there and wont do anything.. She'll put her hand on my leg, or my chest or run her hands in my hair. If i don't make a move, she'll always ask if I'm okay, or ask if I'm asleep. At this point I pray to fall asleep.

 

If i interject and tell her in a sex way to come get on top of me and kiss me, or if I kiss her, or touch her, she lays there. She says something to the lines of her wanting to be on the bottom, or that I need to do something.

 

This pisses me off to no extent. I feel like she's so stuck to the idea that I have to make all the moves to get sex. That I should be the one to get on top of her, and to make the mood and get things to happen all the time. It's gotten so bad I don't even want to have sex with her.

 

When I do give in, and get on top of her, she mentions it takes her so long to get "revved" up. She wants to kiss, and grope for what seems like hours.. And she wants to start this late at night when I've got work early in the morning. I don't have time for 40 minutes worth of kissing and rubbing. I wish I did, but I don't.

 

But she wants me to get on top, kiss her forever, rub her.. She then touches me... I get excited at the dirty thoughts, and the whole nine yards. By the time I'm ready to go, she doesn't want to yet and wants to keep kissing and such. By the time she's ready, I've gotten bored. She doesn't do anything unless I ask her too, and when she's ready for penetration, I'm ready to get off and go to bed without.

 

 

How can I tell her this? I don't want to be so blunt that our sex has gone downhill, and that I'm just not turned on my plainly kissing for a long time and groping and then sex and hour after we started? I want to have sex with her, but I don't want the same thing. The normal cut and dry, man makes the moves, gets on top, kisses for 20-40 minutes, has sex and rolls off. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but this bothers me so bad that I'd rather look at porn by myself.

 

When we do have sex, it's good. She orgasms before I do, and then she makes sure I get mine. We have oral sex too sometimes.. But only if I suggest it now. She used to do it without me asking, but now I have to ask. We foreplay, but cut it down and have oral for a while to which we instantly go to penetrative sex. Those are the good nights.

 

I'd just wish to get to mix it up. I want spontaneous anywhere sex. I want her to rip her clothes off and just come at me full force. I want quickies.. I want it different.

 

I'd suggested it, even a quickie.. and she was kinda like.. "why? a quickie? I don't want that."

 

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[rose2summer]

How can I tell her this?

 

Well, she seems to be complacent in wanting to try something new.

 

Maybe you can buy a kama sutra book and suggest looking at it together, and ask if she is interested in any of those positions.

 

She seems to want you to take the active role, whereas you really need to work as a team.

 

I wouldn't directly bring it up as you will hurt her feelings, but you can say

 

"hey remember, how great it used to be when you were on top, I miss those days, can we try doing that again?"

 

Good luck!

 

Hugs, Rose

[Sn0man]

Maybe try this: The next time she drops a hint that she's feeling a litle 'frisky', crack open a bottle of red and have a couple of glasses before bed.

 

It just sounds to me like she's a little bit, err, frigid, and a glass of wine might relax her a bit.

 

Worth a try if nothing else.

[rose2summer]

Is she over 21?

[FCTex]

She's 22. She' doesn't drink much, but she does have a few here and there.

 

I believe she's a little reserved sometimes. Sometimes she's not, but as terrible as this sounds, when we DO have some drinks, we definitely have some hot sex.

 

But I don't want to have her drink some wine, or some liquor every night before bed.. Because we used to have sex, alot.....

 

 

Rose, I tell her that infact. I tell her this and that, but when she replies it's always.. "Well you have to touch me too to get my worked up, you need to kiss me too.."

 

Well dammit, I am. I'm kissing, I'm touching.. I just want you to be aggressive and I don't want to have the same damn'd thing every night. Sometimes I'd like her to jump my bones and surprise me.. It'll pay back ten fold.

[arwen]

Maybe she is scared to let go and surrounder sort of. Maybe it will help to satisfy her first, do you know if she orgasms? Because usually a woman won't have an orgasm from intercourse alone.

 

Ilse

[FCTex]

She orgasms from intercourse alone. She's pretty good in the "orgasm department"..

 

 

I don't know what it is really.. It seemed like sex was never this much work with other women..I'm seriously at a loss at to what to do.

[kelkel]

Remember good sex can be taught.....

for some women i think they fear they dont know what you will like or when you put them on the spot they dont know what to do, some are socialized that the man always takes the lead.

If she has only been with one before you , then maybe this is what she is used to, she use to laying there and being please, the important thing u need to remember is that this act is to please the both of you, and if you arent happy and you are unsatisfied then YOU need to find a way to get the message out.

i think when people read it helps them to more readily register things maybe she is unsure of herself, unsure of where to touch you, where your hot spots are......so maybe u could try by writing down a fantasy, write it and leave it with her.....

 

eg. i love it when you kiss my neck and suck slowly on my nipples, i imagine u blindfolding me and doing this while you slide your tongue down to my waist, where you gently kiss all the way down to my member........and blah blah and blah blah

 

i guess just to let her get ideas on what to do, and where to do it and what YOU like

 

OR you could ask her why she doesnt try to come on to u..... and work from there..... comMUNICATION believe me it is the key to every sucessful relationship !!!

[DN]

Moderator note: kelkel please don't use netspeak: 'u' for 'you' for example. It is not permitted on this forum and will result in your posts being removed.

[kelkel]

i am sorry

i will try to avoid that

force of habit

[doyathink]

[quote name=kelkel

]some are socialized that the man always takes the lead

 

This is true for so many women, including myself. This has caused my relationship a lot of problems also. If this IS the problem, she has a fear in her that is difficult to change. The anxiety alone will prevent her from being able to 'start' the show.

 

On another note, remember...most women are not like men in the way our motors run. Sure there are days we are so horny there isn't a need for the warm up, were already there, but many times we have to be stimulated into the mood. Not saying we dont want to have sex at the moment just that we're not at the same level of excitement that maybe you already are. This is where foreplay makes the difference.

[Cardinal]

It might be too big of a step for her to really come out of her shell sexually and take the lead right now. It might run completely counter to her intuition and everything she has known...that sort of step is not your surest bet imo. But does that really have to happen? I think a good way to approach the situation would indeed be to focus on variety. You take the lead. Be affectionate but do different things to her. The only thing you really have to let her know is just what you have told us. You don't want to kiss 20-40 minutes, missionary, then roll over and sleep.

 

Tell her what to do, much make it all about pleasing her! I seriously doubt she would be adverse to doing most sensual things if she doesn't have to do a lot of work right away. Do whatever your imagination can dream up. Do things in the shower as most of foreplay some of the time. Or have a bath ready for her. Just give her a massage or make her start foreplay earlier in the day (dirty phone conversations, little notes whatever gets her going). Focus on giving and pleasing her. Just whatever you do, do not do the same thing. I think you are going to have to do the imagining for both of you during foreplay. At least for now.

 

Most women really like surprises. Bring some fruit or other food in there for foreplay. Pre-meditate this. Think up plenty of new ideas beforehand....things that don't require her to do much work initially. And start a few minutes earlier in the evening if you can. I don't think you will easily get around the fact that she needs a lot of foreplay. It may take awhile before she is ready to be hit with a quicky. For that to work I think you would need to make sure she turned her self on well before she sees you! That would be her job! I don't guess she would be willing to do that ahead of time anyhow though. She wants you to do it for her.

 

She just has to be able to meet you half way. Surely she can understand how much of a turn-off just lying there and doing the same thing night after night can be for a person.

[Aurian]

"I'd really like it if you could take some initiative sometimes. It would make me feel really loved and wanted. I'd love it if you would do [blank] with me. It would make me feel so excited!'

 

or

 

"Why don't you start something with me? Are you too shy or do you feel scared if you do?"

 

I dunno, its not fair on you that she isn't taking any initiative and is lying back all the time. Its a hard subject to broach, so try not to be accusory or anything, try make it sound like she will make your day. That might give her courage to start something if its her confidence that is the problem.

[FCTex]

It really is a soft spot to dry and discuss with someone. We have some-what of a fragmented conversation here and there about it sometimes, but usually ends up in me "joking" and ending it quickly after..

 

It's not that she lays on her back and we do the same thing all the time. When we do have sex, it's fine generally. We don't use condoms, and we don't have to worry about alot of the drama with anything like STD's and pregnancy. When we have sex, she gets to talking dirty, and cussing at me, and getting worked up and loud, and the whole nine yards. She starts wanting to change positions and we do everything but the kitchen sink.

 

However, it's getting it started that irks the crap out of me... She preffers to lay there, and to kiss for hours basically. Only to stop the breathe, and rub me raw. She seems like she has no imagination about anything.

 

The other night, I sat down and I was thinkin about why in the past with my other relationship, did I not have a qualm about our sex life. And what struck me hard, was that me and my ex had sex, probably over a thousand times I swear. I can't think of maybe a handful of times we might had a quarrel about something sex. But we had wild sex. Handcuffs, blindfolds and vibrators, other toys and knick-knacks were used frequently. The handcuffs and blindfolds were used so much they were kept in the drawer by the bed. We mixed it up alot

 

 

That is whats missing in this relationship. I enjoy sex, it's just getting dull, and to be more work that I feel it's worth in return; as horrible as that sounds.

 

Last night, I got her to get on top of me(like I wanted). We made out and groped for a little longer than I wanted too(she wanted). Then as she was getting excited, she went down on me without me even asking, infact I was about too, and she did it without asking. Which was a huge plus, because then after that, we had some great wild sex, at which she came within minutes after, and then did what I wanted so I could finish.

 

Of course, I've withheld sex from her all weekend, it was probably over a week since we had sex.

[Rabican]

get her drunk, smashed drunk. Ive been with my girl for a couple of years now and on saturday night we went out and she drank a whole bottle of wine. When we got home holy frigging crap was I in for it. She went from my normal good in the bed, freaky gf, to superfreak, wonderwoman couldnt get enough. It was like she was posessed or something.. it was great.

 

Try alcohol. Just tell her that it would turn you on if SHE would take the initiative more, be on top, not always be on the bottom etc. Tell her as much as you enjoy the sex with her, that sometimes it just needs to be different. I LOVE pizza, but do I want the same pizza every time I eat it? Nope.

[bih2003]

Interesting story, turns me on and into the mood for quickies but sorry cant help ya with that problem , Im an almost 21 yr old virgin! I know what i would like though, maybe throw me on the bed, pin me down , be a little aggressive, i hate boredom, I LOVE EXCITING AND FAST! hahah sorry try maybe letting her know to let all of her energy go ,i know if a guy would tell me if i had sex with him I would forget everything and just go with it , let it allllllll out. GOOD LUCK THOUGH!

[zerohalo]

Everything I've tried to say comes out spiteful. I find what she's doing massively selfish, and every suggestion I come up with ends up being kind of mean. I've retyped this post about 5 times now.

 

The fact is, you should bite the bullet and don't laugh the topic off. You HAVE to talk with her openly about this. Yeah you could take the subtle suggestion route, but clearly that's not working. That doesn't mean you have to be cruel when you talk about it, but for the love of god, just ask if there's anything you two could do aside from making out that could get her in the mood.

 

If her answer is no, then suggest alternatives. If the answer is still no, consult a sex therapist.

[FCTex]

It's been worked on lately..

 

I've just withheld sex more. Instead of 3-4 times, it's down to 1-2 a week. It's fine enough for me at this point.

 

The sex is good, and she's getting more and more open about things. I've just had to bite the bullet, and told her we both need to work on starting sex, that she doesn't need to always wait for me to do something.. because in the end we'll both go to bed upset.

 

It's getting there.. Slowly.. Last week, we didn't have sex for over a week, and she stayed at my house atleast 3-4 times.. We didn't the other night because I passed out drunk from a party, and when we finally did, she mentioned she was curious how long it would take me to make a move.

 

Kinda irritating to say the least, but I ignored it.

 

Hopefully this changes if we move in..

[zerohalo]

Awesome man, at least there's some progress. Oh and if things aren't hot and heavy when you aren't living together, don't expect it to increase once you do.

[sddeaston]

It won't. Take it from someone who has gone down that road. IT WON'T

[Yggdrasil]

You know it sounds to me like she almost feels guilty. She sounds like a very sexually active girl and is probably wanting you to run at her and rip off your clothes etc. She seems to feel the need to almost "get your input" on starting up probably because she doesn't want to feel like some kinda sex addict. When you both lie there in bed staring blankly at the ceiling, you say there is a lot of sexual tension. Well, if you are to tired you should be able to tell her! Otherwise if you're doing it when you don't really want to, it's completely meaningless.

 

You should definitely start off the night a bit earlier on, not when you're in bed. Foreplay etc. is always a winner, but make sure it doesn't get boring. It's not just about getting her "revved up", it's about both of you being intimate and personal. Getting each other excited! Look for some books on Kama Sutra etc. Seriously research foreplay - you gotta get excited! Try new things! Sounds like you're both just doing the same "chore" of a routine every time. No wonder it takes a while to get her ready, and for you to stay ready.

 

Do some reasearch ASAP! Then be prepared by stocking up on ideas for foreplay, buy toys even...anything!! and try and spend time together when you aren't dead tired. If you are too tired, just say "Could we save it for tomorrow?" or something along those lines. Or sometimes even you'll have to put out for her when she's mega turned on or something - and that's when your new foreplay skills come into play...Either that or she just likes to be dominated by a MAN, man. If you get my meaning. Like a meaty, tough-guy just having his way with her haha! Try it! You'll never know otherwise...