Oh dear, I got a call, what do I do?!? Urgent!!

[M-life]

What's so pertinent about the next 45minutes?

 

She is running a marathon early and has to be in bed by that time.

 

What if I just was not near my phone and couldn't hear it? I'm just saying, it almost seems like she is doing this on purpose to gauge my reaction.

[rose2summer]

Well, if I had some urgent emergency to talk to someone, I would explain it in my message.

 

I think it's a ploy but if you want to call her, it's up to you, and then you can rest peacefully tonight.

[onelittleladybug]

I was going to say call tonight but then I changed my mind. Call early tomorrow.

 

Im not really into games but Im thinking is if she didnt call for a month she cant expect you to return her call immediately. I dont know what time zone youre in but if its not very late, put on a movie and try to distract yourself. Having her wait for your call is going to remind her of how it feels to wait... wait... wait for your call. If she wanted to see whats out there then maybe thats the sorta thing she needs to remember.

 

Dont wait too long though as she will know that you are deliberately holding back.

 

And if you already called its not a big deal.

[M-life]

haven't called yet. still can't decide. she never said the word "urgent", she just said she needs to tell me something and to call back tonight. She emphasized need.

[doyathink]

what if she is calling to tell you she screwed up and loves you and cant wait another moment to be back together.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Hope it is not too late but DO NOT call her. This is from a female prospective. Her excuse for breaking up with up with you is the oldest and lamest excuse in the book. Let her go see what is out there....ALONE.

 

Do not worry about how "abrasive" you come accross to her. She is the one whom broke it off. If you call her, your month of NC would have been in vain.

 

Good luck and hang in there.

[enolaton]

M...

 

I don't think you should return her call. It's been preached on this site numerous times in the past... if she REALLY wants to be in touch with you... if it's REALLY important... she will stop at nothing. Are you prepared in the event that she's calling only to catch up, and nothing about reconciliation or anything related? Can you handle that? If the answer is "yes", then by all means, call her back... but you have to be stronger if you don't think you can handle it.

 

Let me put it this way... I've been NC with my ex for over 2 months now. Last we spoke, I left her with the impression that we will never speak again as far as I'm concerned, UNLESS she calls specifically about reconciliation. She of course sent me a message a few weeks back. Didn't answer it. Of course, I am still somewhat curious and bothered by it, but, I know I couldn't handle calling her back if it was just her attempt to "catch-up".

 

Hope this helps....

[doyathink]

I think he called her....

[M-life]

I called her. I knew it would only be to catch up. The conversation had its ups and downs. She first said she was really stressed with a marathon and she is a med student with lots of tests coming up. I said I want to be there for her as a friend but am not sure if I can. At one point she let it slip that she sould not stand to see me with someone else, and she also said that she loves to have me to talk too. She then returned to her harsh words quickly after this and it was easy to see it was a slipup. I made the mistake of talking too much about our relationship when she prompted, but atleast the only things I said were that I am not sure I can be her friend and stuff like this. I at no point tried to get her back, and even mentioned that I was moving on nicely. The conversation lasted 20 minutes. I said I have to go because I am busy, and she got all jealous and said I was probably seeing someone else or out with a girl. I told her that is of no importance. She said bye and so did I.

 

Overall, am not sure how it went. I don't know who got the upperhand. It seemed like she was reconsidering, but I am also worried I came off as too nice and deep down I wanted us to be together. I guess I need to sleep on it or something. Man this break-up stuff is confusing.

[annie24]

meh, I wouldn't answer her calls anymore. I too was hoping she would say something like, "I want to get back together." but she said nothing of importance. she doesn't want you with other girls but she doesn't want you for herself either. how sweet, she wants you to be celibate and pine away for her forever.

 

yeah, I would have cut to the chase a bit sooner, like, "hi - what's up, why are you calling" and if it wasn't anything urgent (like so and so is in the hospital), I'd just be like, "I can't talk to you" and hang up.

 

anyways, now you know so you don't have to wonder.

[enolaton]

Exactly... now you know.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

[TornTattered]

Im sorry it wasnt that latter man. I was hoping it would be about getting back together. and sorry bout the time zone thing..

[kellbell]

"At one point she let it slip that she sould not stand to see me with someone else, and she also said that she loves to have me to talk too."

 

Two things about this. One, she should have never broke up with you in the first place. Do you realize how incrediably selfish that statement is?? Two, the reason why she loves having you to talk to is to ease her guilt by breaking up with you. By being her buddy and confidant, she knows she is the goods with you, even after she broke your heart. Man, she has it good.

 

"and she got all jealous and said I was probably seeing someone else or out with a girl."

 

She needs to deal with the consequences of breaking up with you. By you giving her the emotional replinishment as you have been, she is going to recover from the break up much faster than you, she is going to find someone else and that will be it for you my friend. So while you have been spending all your energies trying to be her friend, that leaves you no opportunity to learn from this, to grow, to recover. In that sense, you will be much worse off when she eventually finds someone else to be with...because she will. It is just a matter of time.

 

It should not matter whom has the upper hand...who is keeping score. When score it kept, there is always going to be a loser. You are not a loser, nor is your ex. Stick to NC...she is a big girl, she can take care of herself.

[enolaton]

WOW kellbell... couldn't have said it better myself...

 

You GO girl!

[Ellie2006]

Hey M-life,

 

I too am sorry that she was merely being too dramatic!

 

I think KellBell and Annie are giving you great advice here:

Now you know what she wanted, you don't have to worry about it or think about it anymore and simply go on w/ your NC.

 

Your ex has proven herself to be selfish and jealous ... these are not qualities of a good gf ... these are not good qualities period...

 

Best wishes to you ...

[kellbell]

Thank you. I did not mean to come accross as mean or harsh but it is really important for the "dumper" to deal with the consequences of breaking up with the person is all. It is totally not fair to the other person, the kinds of things the original poster's ex said on the phone tonight.

 

Hang in there.

[enolaton]

Oh, definitely. I didn't mean it that way. I think your advice was great, and I don't think anyone could have said it better.

 

I just feel very strongly about not being friends with the dumper. I once struggled with the very same thing, and it got me nowhere. It just brought me more pain. Now, I'm so much happier with my decision for NC, and now I can pass along what I've learned to someone else.

 

Now, my ex has contacted me. I'm saying anything is gonna happen... but see where NC gets you?!?!

[M-life]

Thanks for all the help, you guys have been very supportive and the responses were great. I don't think I will answer her calls in the future if its going to be just like that. The thing that gets me though is that she sounded like she was genuinly considering coming back for the right reasons, not because she is lonely or overwhelmed. And I still think we could have a great life together. I honestly don't think this is dumpee talk. We had something great, she still admits it was great, and I think it was great. She may hurt me again I know, but really what if she realizes this was all a mistake on her part?

 

Well, off to bed. Let's see what tomorrow will bring.

[DN]

Now you have the information that you need. She seems to me to be one of those people who doesn't want to be with you but also doesn't want you to be with anyone else - just in case.

 

So now assume the relationship is over and get over her as fast as you can. Don't answer any more calls or messages. Personally i would not even answer if she did want to get back together but that would be choice if she said she did.

[kellbell]

I am glad you have made a decision on what to do. Hang in there and try not to be a stranger. Take care.

[M-life]

I come to these forums every day for support. I will definitly inform you guys if anything else happens, and I love to hear about similar situations and how they worked out. Thanks for your help last night. It was a great learning experience.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi M-life,

 

I have to agree with others in this thread. Don't respond to any type of commication attempt from her. Do this and move forward with your life. It's all about you now.

 

I let myself be strung along for awhile and it is horrible. I finally figured out what was going on, wised up, and cut all ties. I did this for me, not to make her feel bad etc. Hang in there!

 

Good Luck!

bcuzitwasfun

[M-life]

so of course she started calling again at noon today. she left a voicemail on the first call, but really i don't even feel like checking it to see what she has to say right now. i will probably check it later tonight, but I am not picking up if she calls again.

[ConfusedasEVER]

so of course she started calling again at noon today. she left a voicemail on the first call, but really i don't even feel like checking it to see what she has to say right now. i will probably check it later tonight, but I am not picking up if she calls again.

 

Okay, so here's where you need to pull out the big guns.

 

Obviously she's told you that she's in the reminicent mood, and ''misses'' your ''friendship'' -- which I've gathered from previous posts.

 

This is all BS. There is something more here that we're missing.

 

GOD people like this make me so angry, lol. I'm sorry.

 

It looks as if to me she keeps wondering if she still has you, and when you remind her that she does, she runs away screaming like a lunatic, and then you get confused/hurt/bewildered/bemuzzled/befused.

 

My x did this to me for WEEKS until I finally asked her, in no terms less, what the FREAK was her PROBLEM with me. And she came out and said that she loved me and wanted to get back together but was scared of being rejected.

 

I would say, ALL or nothing her *RIGHT NOW* or she'll never stop.

[M-life]

Agreed, until she comes to my door and begs for me back, it is nothing. I am not putting up with this. Even if she does come back, I am not going to just accept her like nothing was ever wrong. It sounds like a game but it is what I have to do. Meanwhile, a third call today. Still not answering. Gotta stay strong.