Ever Dated a Close Friend? Need Advice

[FlipAngel84]

I'm entering the sixth year of being friends with this guy. We met at 17, ended up going to the same small college, and now we just graduated and are 22/23.

 

We both were dating other people during year 1, though we expressed our feelings/attraction to each other. Then during year 2, we tried dating for a couple months, but it was too hard for me because I was still torn up over my first love who had dumped me (we tried dating too soon after the breakup).

 

Since then we have remained friends, though our friendship in the past 9 months has grown closer and closer. His girlfriend totally smashed his heart though in January, and while it brought our friendship closer, it also has made it harder on me to be able to express my feelings towards him, because he's had a tough time getting over her.

 

The day she broke up with him, he contacted me and said "I knew the moment she left my house, the first person I wanted to contact was you."

 

This past spring, I stayed over at his place a few times - we made out, cuddled, then chilled the next day - played guitar, laughed/watched movies, etc.

 

One of those times, he verbally asked if he could kiss me (I was confused, because we had already kissed the weekend before)...and then he said "I get nervous to kiss you." Now, that could be taken a few different ways, so I wasn't sure how to handle that.

 

He's expressed that he's very physically/sexually attracted to me. And he also has expressed that he really values our friendship.

 

We have so much fun when we hang out, always lots of laughing, joking, teasing, but also deep and personal conversations, too...something that definitely has been cultivated over our 5 year friendship. But, I also have feelings for him, I still get butterflies and excited. I just can't read his signals always...

 

The fact that we are such good friends, and for so long...makes it incredible hard to try to talk to him about it, to bring it to the next level...I'm very afraid of losing the friendship or making it awkward, if his feelings are not mutual.

 

I guess my questions are

 

1. Guys: Do you have female friends that you are very attracted to, and find as a really fun girl, but have no urge to date her?

2. Everyone: Does anyone have experience in dating someone they first were friends with for a long time? (Both success and not-so-successul stories are welcome)

3. Guys: Would fear of losing the friendship, or fear of making it awkward...stop you from pursuing a close female friend?

[DN]

It occurs to me that he may have the exact same fear that you have. I think you ought to talk to him about it.

[ducky]

1. Guys: Do you have female friends that you are very attracted to, and find as a really fun girl, but have no urge to date her?

Yes. Attraction is one thing, chemistry is another. I can like someone alot, but if we don't click, I will have no urge to date this person. It seems that you both have got chemistry here though.

 

2. Everyone: Does anyone have experience in dating someone they first were friends with for a long time?

Not firsthand experience, but I do have friends who have dated good friends and the amazing thing is, relationships that blossom from friendship are the most lasting.

 

3. Guys: Would fear of losing the friendship, or fear of making it awkward...stop you from pursuing a close female friend?

Well you can ask 100 guys this question and you won't get a clear yes or no. Personally I'd say no.

 

You should talk to him about this. It seems that both of you know that there's something going on, and neither of you are willing to take the first step. Don't let shyness of all things stand in the way of you finding your true love.

[Rain__man]

I agree wholeheartedly with 1,2 & 3 from Ducky. I guess the question to ask yourselves (and each other) "is love worth the risk?"

 

My vote's almost always a yes

[FlipAngel84]

Thanks for advice/thoughts! (keep 'em coming, for those of you who still are reading my post)

 

I know I need to confront him...I'm just absolutely petrified. But yes...the biggest risk of all...is the one you never take. So I need to finally man up (since he won't? lol) and tell him how I feel.

[MacGyverRI]

 

He's expressed that he's very physically/sexually attracted to me.

 

But, I also have feelings for him, I still get butterflies and excited. I just can't read his signals always...

 

The fact that we are such good friends, and for so long...makes it incredible hard to try to talk to him about it, to bring it to the next level...I'm very afraid of losing the friendship or making it awkward, if his feelings are not mutual.

 

 

 

He may be holding back and you may need to make the aggressive move

i.e. "he verbally asked if he could kiss me"

 

You both have the hots for ea. other so grab a bottle of wine and make up for lost time!

[rightfromthestart]

"It occurs to me that he may have the exact same fear that you have. I think you ought to talk to him about it."

 

i agree with DN but don't see it as a confrontation, see it as 'clearing the air' [think positive]

[DN]

"It occurs to me that he may have the exact same fear that you have. I think you ought to talk to him about it."

 

i agree with DN but don't see it as a confrontation, see it as 'clearing the air' [think positive]

I agree - I wasn't suggesting a confrontation either.

[FlipAngel84]

Update: I told him how I feel. Gulp. And to my surprise, as well as some of you guys' surprise, it did not end in my favor.

 

He said that he thinks I have a wonderful personality and that he is quite attracted to me physically...but does not have a desire to date me.

 

I was very sad/disappointed, and a little confused...because,

normally, if I'm very attracted to someone, and they have a great personality...I naturally feel in inclination or curiosity to date them, or wonder if we'd be good together.

 

I wonder if our 5 year friendship has sort of sucked out any novelty, mystery, romance that he might be looking for in a dating partner?

 

Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter "why" h e doesn't want to date me. He just doesn't want to, and I'll have to try to move on somehow...sadly.

[MacGyverRI]

 

He said that he thinks I have a wonderful personality and that he is quite attracted to me physically...but does not have a desire to date me.

 

 

Hmm, this guy goes against the grain, attracted to you is key w/ guys.

Is he interested in someone else?

 

 

 

 

Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter "why" h e doesn't want to date me. He just doesn't want to, and I'll have to try to move on somehow...sadly.

 

Well then, make him want

[Caterina]

It might be the grass is greener on the other side syndrom. He might wonder what else is out there and he's known you for so long.

 

Personally, from an objective view (which is virtually impossible to have when in a five year relationship of any sort), I'd start pulling out de tactics.

 

First, I'd wonder if my friendship with him was worth the heartache of unrequited love. If it isn't, I'd cut off all contact even if it hurt. Or I'd start to cool off my feelings by becoming increasingly distant until I was able to cut it off completely.

 

Secondly, I'd focus on other guys.