I don't know if this is Jealousy or not

[tylercdurden2004]

 

1) Honestly, sometimes I don't think my husband realizes exactly what he is doing. He just "responds" to his instincts.

 

2) He's had a problem with immediate gratification.

 

3) He's been self-employed for about 20 years and really hasn't had a lot of social interaction, especially with women.

 

4) He does think he's just being "nice" to people.

 

 

1) I call BS. He knows it bothers you unless he is deaf and/or dumb he knows exactly what he is doing but the satisfaction of doing it outweighs the pain of hurting you.

 

2) People who have problems with immediate gratification like this are nothing but trouble. Men and women. I learnt this with my recent ex. The thrill of having someone pay attention to them is too much for them to handle. To me it may be only a matter of time before they seek a higher thrill. If he keeps getting away with it eventually he may take that step. I dont see people like this changing much because its a fundamental "flaw" that they have not learned to overcome. The older you get the harder it is to overcome. Babies and little kids need immediate gratification mature people understand teh consequences of their actions. He clearly does not or he does not care. Either was its a lose-lose situation for you.

 

3) Dont know how thsi applies sounds like you are making excuses for him.

 

4)I call double BS here. So you mean to tell me if a girl begged him to sleep with her he'd be reeeeeeaaaallllll nice to her and oblige. Maybe its true and he doenst have the backbone to stand up to woman and let them know he wont cross that line again not exaclty the qualities one looks for in a partner.

 

As I see it these are the possibilities:

 

A) He is being nice: In which case you have to wonder where he draws the line on "niceness."

 

B) He doesnt have a backbone: So he is unable to stand up for himself, you and the kids (if there are any). Simlpy cant say no.

 

C) He has issues where his immediate gratification outweigh the long term patience needed for a relationship. Forgoing his own satifaction for that of the relationship. Meaning you are a distant number 2 to him.

 

D) He just doesnt care how you feel. Do you want to be with someone like this?

 

A healthy mature person draws the line in the sand so to say, makes the boundaries clear. He doesnt seem able or willing to do this. He should be making it very clear with these girls he has no interest in them beyond a harmless bit of banter. He certainly doesnt seem to respect you.

[schmandy]

Thanks again for your analysis, but that doesn't really help me in trying to help him.

 

Yes, if he continues on this path, it will ultimately be the end of our marriage. We've discussed that before. Neither of us wants this.

 

He's obviously got some issues in why he can't deal with this situation. But still, acknowledging all that doesn't really help ME to deal with this.

[tylercdurden2004]

Thanks again for your analysis, but that doesn't really help me in trying to help him.

 

 

No one can "help" you. Only yourself. People can guide inform and assist you but for making the decision and acting on it its all up to you. Whether he changes is all up to him.

[schmandy]

Then what's this forum for if no one can help?

[Hope75]

Thanks again to anyone realistically trying to help me.

...any further slandering about why I should now accept this will not even be responded to.

The beauty of an open forum like this is that you may ask for advice, suggestions, or enlightenment to a situation from an outside perspective, and you will get it- from various perspectives. Those who post offer their time and insight- whether you choose to agree with them or not, and that is completely your call. Most posters will filter out what they do not find useful to them and use what may.

 

The bottom line as you have already learned is that you are not going to change his behaviour. You have tried getting angry, being rational and talking it out with him, and counseling (both together and independently). You cannot change a person who does not want to be changed.

[DN]

Your entire post is about how you want him to change and how you have been enlisting people to help you do that including therapists, your mother and people on here. And yet it seems anyone who has a point of view or suggestion with which you disagree is summarily dismissed. Perhaps you might like to try some self-analysis to discover why that is.

 

Speaking of self-analysis - is there anything about you that you feel your husband would like to change - and if there is would you feel that those desired changes would be reasonable and something you could do? Has anyone asked you that before?

[annie24]

One of my favorite quotes is "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

 

If someone is saying something you don't agree with or it bothers you, but your way hasn't worked, it may be time to really really expand your mind and maybe consider trying things a new way, and think about things from another perspective.

[schmandy]

I didn't see it posted anywhere that I had to accept everyones point of view on this forum. Funny how you "Moderators" have turned this back onto me as being some psycho needing help.

 

Thanks, but I think I'll find another forum which is really useful.

 

Continue to post crap about ME if you'd like because I'll no longer visit this site.

[DN]

You don't have to accept anyone's advice. But it may be useful to think about it. Your choice, of course.

[avman]

This topic closed. It is pointless to try to discuss things with you schmandy as you are only interested in listening to people if they tell you what you want to hear.

 

You will never improve your situation with a mindset such as this.