schmandy

I didn't see it posted anywhere that I had to accept everyones point of view on this forum. Funny how you "Moderators" have turned this back onto me as being some psycho needing help. Thanks, but I think I'll find another forum which is really useful. Continue to post crap about ME if you'd like because I'll no longer visit this site.

Then what's this forum for if no one can help?

Thanks again for your analysis, but that doesn't really help me in trying to help him. Yes, if he continues on this path, it will ultimately be the end of our marriage. We've discussed that before. Neither of us wants this. He's obviously got some issues in why he can't deal with this situation. But still, acknowledging all that doesn't really help ME to deal with this.

I'd also agree that it's probably a rare case if she gets prego. I didn't think anyone really did it during that time! I myself find the blood to be repulsive and it's my blood. I can't imagine someone else getting that sickness all over them. You must have been some kind of horny!

Honestly, sometimes I don't think my husband realizes exactly what he is doing. He just "responds" to his instincts. He's had a problem with immediate gratification. He's been self-employed for about 20 years and really hasn't had a lot of social interaction, especially with women. He does think he's just being "nice" to people. I think that some people have ego issues, including my husband. That some people like attention. That's fine, but it's just not something you do to or as a married man. And it's just plain inappropriate many times. We've been in a grocery store and he'll try to strike up a conversation with a woman about something she is picking off the shelf. Sometimes these women look at him like, "you freak." Some women respond and he continues to carry a conversation with them. To me, it's just weird. It makes me feel uncomfortable to be with him when he does this. He can't see that many times his "friendliness" is actually more flirtatious. And don't get me wrong, his behavior of this type doesn't extend to everyone. He'll barely look a fat woman in the eye if she speaks to him. But he'll almost do a 360 if he catches a glimpse of someone that he thinks "she was looking at me." I've caught him on the phone with the cable company talking in a very seductive voice, trying to get cable changes made. Maybe he thinks he gets more accomplished with this??? He says, "it's probably some fat person on the phone anyway". I say it's just inappropriate. You don't do any kind of business that way. He told me at the start of our relationship that he had "a few romances with roommates". At the time, he had a female roommate and let me tell you, their relationship was strange! He said nothing had ever happened between them, but he would never admit to me if something had. He said, "she's attracted to me, but I'm not into her." I've heard that from him before. He can't see what he's actually contributing! He had set up a phone account for her in his name, let her use her deposit as rent and she ended up stiffing him after she moved out. These are things that, my husband as a Jew (no offense intended), you just don't extend to people. When he was going to rent out his guest house to another female, I told him I didn't think we should see eachother anymore. That the type of "help" he was willing to do for females just made me too uncomfortable and I didn't want to go through the same stuff with another female. Since then, he has not rented to another female. So, there have been some small changes. My family was in town for a family wedding a couple of years ago. From the start, my husband was running around trying to do things for my sister. They were engaging in conversations and in the morning it pissed me off when she was talking with him in her nightgown and I saw him looking at her boobs. I had talk with him about how he needed to watch his behavior around her. At the wedding, we were all drinking and I guess his behavior was a little less controlled. His first instinct was to look directly to her for everything. And a couple of times I caught the two of them looking at eachother smiling. Yeah, it could have been innocent, but he was already in the doghouse. You think he could have watched what he was doing?? I went bezerk. I just lost it, yelling at him, pushing him. My sister immediately started saying, "okay, let's just go outside..." I just pushed her away too, I was so pissed. My husband and I left the wedding and had a huge fight. At the time, I felt like "I don't want you anymore. If you can't help yourself from acting more like you're someone elses husband than mine..." My sister stayed with my cousin after that. My sister will laugh about how she flirts with her own husband's brother when she gets drunk. She thinks it's funny. At other times she'll talk furiously about her friend was flirting with her husband and how pissed off she gets. And I simply tell her, look at how you act yourself! You think it's alright when you do it to someone else. It's an ego thing with her, I know. She had never acted like that before. She lost her first husband to cancer and went through a very tough time. I used to go out with her to bars so she could meet people, but she never really did. Then she got a boob job and her outlook on life changed forever. Since that time she's been a totally different person. And if her current husband tolerates that, that's fine. My Mother said, "her husband never complains about her behavior" - but I'm not her husband and I won't tolerate that. But again, it really shouldn't matter to me how most people act. I could care less if some floozy comes and tries to hit on my husband. What matters to me is how HE reacts. I do think that he realizes he has a problem defining the boundaries. I'm not quite sure how to help him to work out these issues better. I've tried to do the best I can to get him to change, not just for me, but for himself. I think he acts like a schmuck. I try to handle the situations like managers handle their employees: you talk to them immediately about the situation. You talk with them in private about it. But the one thing I don't do is I do get emotional about it. I have never tolerated this behavior or "put up with it" as many people seem to think. He has no reason to believe that it will ever be okay to act this way. If you guys have any ideas on better ways that I can help him to get over this, I'd be willing to listen. But if you think "you can't change him" or "divorce him" then please just don't answer. Thanks again to anyone realistically trying to help me.

It's quite possible that I am at the point where I overreact to things. And I've admitted that to him. But he should understand that this is and has been a very sensitive issue to me from the start - and I would think he would use caution, which he lacks. I guess I probably consider myself as one of the types who initially tries to ignore what happens. By the time something happens where I confront someone about it - it's not a very pleasant scene. And no, they don't have much defense because at that point I'm very angry. It's not so much that my husband is always crossing the line - but he just lets friendliness get a little out of hand. When we're at a party and he's standing by my friend more than he's with me and dances with her when I go to the bathroom "because she was standing all alone" - I find that a bit inappropriate. Especially considering our history with this subject. We had eloped and my family threw us a little reception with about 30 people. For the only thing I had as a "reception" he made no attempt to talk with anyone. But then when I was playing with my nephew, I walk into a room and find him and my pregnant sister-in-law in a jovial conversation and his body language is just a bit too friendly. He immediately stops laughing when I walk into the room and almost chokes. Of all the people he could chat with there, he chooses to corner her in a side room??? I could go on and on and on... You'll probably say, that sounds pretty innocent, but when the exact same situation happens repeatedly, the chances of coincidence get slimmer. From the very first time we had this type of an incident, it was an argument and I just wanted him to go away at that point. I was wicked mean to him and felt very bad in the morning. He admitted then that "maybe I was a bit out of line too." But since then, he rarely has admitted that he's been at fault. He went from the type that never even wanted to look in the mirror, to a person who can't take his eyes off himself in a mirror - where it's annoying in a conversation because if there's a mirror involved, he'll never look at you while talking to you. I'd have to say I've cleaned him up a bit. I've fixed his hair. I've dressed him. I've tried as hard as I can to make him an honest person. He's probably going through some identity issues - I just don't know... Anyways, I guess what I was really looking for here was that I'm not insane to react the way I do over his behaviors. Despite whether some of you think I should accept him "because he was already like that" is a different issue, which I'm not even willing to argue about any further. If you have suggestions on how I can "encourage" him to work on this, that would be helpful. But any further slandering about why I should now accept this will not even be responded to. Thanks.

Well today, after getting upset over the whole issue again after I spoke with my mother, I told him I want him to discuss this with his therapist and if he needs me to, I'll go with him to his therapist. He knows that I love him. But he also knows how much these things affect me. I honestly don't believe he wants me to be hurt by anything. It's hard to "motivate" someone to change their personality. He's a nice guy. I know that he tries to be nice to most people, but he does cross the "nice" line too often with certain women. He says he knows he gets "out of line" and needs to learn when he's crossing that line. I don't know how else to "motivate" him to work more on this. Simply nagging him more than I already do won't do anything for now. I really think he needs therapy help uncover his actions.

It's funny how you think you would react and how you actually do react. A couple of years ago we were on a subway car in NYC. A girl IN OUR CAR was shot. It was a full car. Everyone heard the "pop" - although it sounded like a firecracker. I had just bought a bunch of knock-off purses from Canal street and immediately hid them behind my back because I thought we were getting robbed. Everyone on the car was frozen. Then, a lady on the other end stands up and starts walking around saying, "oh my God, what just happened..." People started exiting the car onto other cars - the train was still moving. After a minute I got up to go see if the girl needed help. I'm a nurse and it was my instinct to help. My husband grabbed me and said, "someones probably got a gun - you don't know if it's safe." Then the hysteria set in. EVERYONE in the car starting running onto other cars. The train came to the next station and practically everyone was running wildly. We got up and ran too. We told the conductor as we ran by and we told the police outside once we exited the station. But we both felt so guilty afterwards for not having helped the girl. We followed the story through the papers. She ended up being alright - the bullet went into her chest and exited her arm (or something). My husband even called the NYC police and told them what he had seen. It really appeared as if someone standing accross from her had a gun in their pocket that had gone off by accident. Most of the time I'm very stupid in a crisis situation. I immediately want to help, but don't think of the safety issues. I'll often times think I'm capable of doing things that I'm much too small to do. I still have some belief that if I scream, people will stop or help. If I were to try to tell a child what to do, I would suggest they first do what would be safe. But also to be responsible and help as much as they could. In the situation you described, I would probably yell (from a distance) to stop and start yelling for help from other people nearby. I would make a screaming scene to try to scare the offenders off. I have been the victim of much lesser offenses, where other people made it a very strong point to not get too involved. If every offender knew that no one would let people get away with what they were doing, there would probably be a lot less crime.

I was also punished harshly as a child if I ever told a lie. Now, as an adult, I loathe liars. I just can't understand them. They don't understand that they'll never again gain the benefit of the doubt. If you don't want to answer a question directly, just answer in a different way - as someone suggested "I'm sorry, I'll try not to be late again." You don't have to necessarily admit you were hung over. It will be obvious if you don't answer a question directly that you don't want to answer it. But lying ... I just can't even condone it. I think it's probably got a lot to do with how you were brought up. I know some 70-year olds who tell "little white lies." No wonder their children lie.

You sound way too good for this idiot. I think it's big of you to try to downplay his comments like they don't bother you. Is he a perv?? Easier said than done, I know, but it does sound like he should be history. He sounds like he needs to be with either someone bisexual or just plain trashy who would accept that kind of behavior/treatment. Best of luck finding a good one! They're hard to find, but they are out there.

My only option is to hope he will understand my feelings on this behavior and learn to act appropriately. Otherwise, we'll continue to butt heads over this. What other options do you see me having? I think suggesting someone walk out of a relationship, based solely on what I've written here, is a bit extreme. I'd sincerely like to see my husband behave appropriately. And I'd like it if I didnt ever have to think twice that he was doing the right thing.

There's actually 95% of good things in our relationship. It's not perfect, and I'd have to say the female issue is our biggest problem of all. Unfortunately, it affects a big part of it. I do not avoid social situations. I crave them. It is my husband who avoids them, for fear he will upset me with his behavior. It really is like he just can't help himself. We have gone to marital counseling. The first guy demanded that we bring an 8 1/2x11 legal yellow notebook to take notes - no ordinary paper would do. We needed exactly a yellow legal pad. Then, we should write down everything he says verbatim and go home and follow it. He assured us that my husband had ADD. That was the last time we went to him. The next marriage counselor we went to was a gay man. No offense, but I just found that a bit odd. I get very heated talking about this issue and it seemed the counselor's intent to have my husband "speak up". We were screaming in the office - another counselor came over and knocked on the door to make sure everything was alright. Just didn't feel right to return to this counselor. I initially went to counseling alone to try to deal with why I felt so angry at my husband at times. I'm not normally an angry person. We had a session together with this counselor, but my husband felt he needed individual therapy. So he has been seeing his own individual therapist. It's not easy finding a good therapist, especially one who specializes in marital issues. From these posts, it probably sounds like this is a burning issue with us. It was brought back to issue today because I had discussed it with my mother. I started doing some searches on "marital behavior" etc., and found this site, so I decided to post my "problem". But please don't think that my marriage is a total waste. This is just the worst quirk in it. I think everyone has basically answered my main question: that you don't think I'm simply "jealous" - or at least it's not without reason. The fact that I look back and see that he makes no distinction between my friends, coworkers and relatives still bothers me. He is somewhat willing to work on this issue. Not as quickly or as resolutely as I'd prefer - but that's his style. Since posting here, I've talked with him again about this issue today. He does admit he has a problem defining boundaries. What else he can do about it today, I'm not even sure of. Please don't let me mislead about my relationship with him. We do have a healthy and happy marriage. We are currently pregnant with an IVF baby. So believe me, we've had plenty of time to think about our lives and about bringing another person into it and we paid dearly for that gift. The marriage isn't worth throwing out the window because of this issue (YET!). But it is, as you can tell, of great concern to me. I've told him in the past that I will not change the way I see or react to these issues. I've told him that if he does not start to change, then we will continue to have problems. I don't think I will "have lost everything" if the marriage goes sour because of this. It is not something I am willing to compromise on. But our relationship is not currently tetering on this issue either. It's just a background problem. Call it control if you like. Yes, I do attempt to control our dogs from gooseing people in the @ss when they come over. And I expect to be able to curb their behavior. Likewise, I expect that if my husband is doing something that I consider uncivilized, he will come to understand and accept my aversion to it, thus changing his behavior. I don't wish a puppy-dog of a husband. But I think there are things you can change about people. If your s.o. drives reckless, do you just doom yourself to a life on the edge? Or do you speak up? I think it just plain stupid otherwise.

You're right on one thing - that you and I are not going to agree on the statement that I should not try to change him. I don't wish to argue with you about that point anymore. Thanks, but no thanks.

I lost the first pregnancy, if it's of any consolation to your worries about the child. And we married because we did and do love eachother. I don't hold your belief that you marry someone just as they are. That you live smelling farts for the rest of your life. Maybe that's how you're happy living. There are compromises in every relationship. Flirting is not a compromise I am willing to make. I'd actually prefer you not answer any more of my posts. I find you to be quite offending.

Yes, I have seen this behavior from the beginning, but I have NEVER tolerated it. I was prepared at different points to walk away. But of course, he does and says the minimal necessary at the time to make things better. You are right - I do expect him to change. I expect him to realize how detrimental this is to our relationship and how it would be to any normal relationship. He needs help with that. He needs help with a lot of things. We got married because I got pregnant. Personally, I don't believe much in divorce. It would have been very easy to divorce him. I had so many reasons why divorce would benefit me rather than stay in this marriage. But that would be easy to say for any marriage. I married him because I do love him. If I deserted him, I would just be an extension of his parents. I know he's learned lessons from the mistakes he's made, but he hasn't quite learned to control/prevent them from happening again and again. If you marry someone who farts in your presense, do you now have to live with that smell for the rest of your life? I don't think it so unreasonable to expect people to change certain things in their married life. Do you have the perfect marriage?