Those "gut-feeling" things

[handsdown]

Just a random question about infedelity that some of my friends were discussing the other night.

 

For those of you who have been cheated on, did you know before the whole thing came out? Ddyou just have a "feeling" something was up? What actions or occurrences made you suscpicious and how long after the "incident" did you find out the truth? How many of you had no clue until you were told or caught them red handed? If you questioned cheater about suspicions, what were their reactions to the accusations before you found out?

 

How about others who thought they were being cheated on and weren't, are you out there too? How did you feel? How did you find out you were wrong?

 

 

I don't want to open up any old wounds here, but if you're comfortable talking about it, I would love to know some of your experiences with this. Thanks!

[BornToResist]

I knew something was up in our relationship, but I didn't know what. I could feel it when I looked at him, the way he acted towards me, and everything else. It's really hard to explain. I could feel it strong on certain days, but I had no idea why. It was like we were two puzzle pieces that no longer fit together but I tried to force it...some days it just didn't happen at all. I would bet money that those were the days he was up to something.

 

When confronted before I had proof, he acted like I was crazy and I was making something up completely and I was just a bully. But I could FEEL him lying.

 

I snooped until I found a tiny clue, and then everything burst at the seams and truth came out faster than I could handle it. He still denied it until I confronted him with the evidence...then he blew up and admitted to everything and blamed it on me.

[rose2summer]

I had a gut feeling about it and my mom had brought it up too.

 

She had a sensor radar thing going on and she was like somethings not right with your ex.

 

So I decided to look further into it and found he had an online dating profile up while we were together.

 

Needless to say, that was the straw that broke the camels back.

 

Guilt shines through in people and especially when he kept asking me if I was cheating, I suspected he was either cheating or tempted to.

 

Read Lieberman's Never Be Lied to Again, it addresses this and shows how to catch a cheater/liar.

 

Hugs, Rose

[DaDancingPsych]

I should have seen the signs, but I think I was too young and naive to know what to look for. Prior to dating me, he was dating another girl and I was aware of this. I thought of nothing when he was flirting with me while dating her (in fact, I didn't even know he was flirting!!!) He really worked hard to get my attention, but I kept brushing it off, because HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND!

 

So, when they broke up, I should have seen that he would have cheated on her with me (had I let him.) However, I never made this conclusion until I learned the truth about our relationship. Admittedly, there was A LOT wrong with our relationship and being that the majority of the time it was a long distance relationship and I only heard from him once a week or twice a week, I never dreamed that this could be happening.

 

Finally, when things were broken off and he ended up with a new girl within a week (someone who I'd seen him with prior, but never questioned things), that's when I started doing the backwards investigating learned of his cheating. I felt really dumb for not seeing the signs, but I certainly learned a HUGE lesson!

 

I think that if you're truly in tune with the relationship, you know when something is off. One may dismiss it as something else (as I did), but cheaters tend to be terrible at hiding things. *shrugs*

[WildChild]

Couldn't have said it any better. Amazing isn't it? Different people, lives, etc.. but when it comes to cheating it's all the same.

[rightfromthestart]

if someone cheated, in whatever way, they always have a reason for doing so and i am not the person to make a judgement on them. it is their decision and whether u know or not is not important when a relationship ends. for me, the reason is theirs whether i agree or not and i neither condem nor confront what is truly a personal decision. that person is still the person u saw as someone great - the only difference is that you are no longer associated with them or responsible to/for them anymore. u cherish the good and let the bad go and move forward and wish them well.

i know that sounds stupid - but that's just me.

[25thfloor]

i've never been cheated on until a couple of years ago. i wasn't naive, i was just trusting. i came from a place, in my heart, that if you dating, why would you cheat? you have no ties that bind so just leave the realtionship. after i found out...his 'other woman' called me.....i felt so stupid on one hand, and on the other hand i thought....he is not going to make me trust anyless. but what DID happen was in my future relationships....i made a stand at the very beginning....if it looks inappropriate, if it feels inappropriate then it is inappropriate. if the guy steps over that, and then calls me 'crazy', he's gone. outa here. i'm not a suspicious woman, but once i suspect, isn't it really over right then?

[sandyv]

Yes my ex bf cheated on me with his bipolar ex that he swore he was finished with 3 years before. I forgave him the first time, but this time......... going NC. I had a gut feeling all wasn't right because she was always spying on us, causing problems in the bar. eg. threatening me, and he seemed intimidated by her. (They have 3 little kids together) and he had sole custody but they have been temporarily taken away because of allegations she has made. He said he didn't love her anymore the way you should love a woman, so I feel he could have some serious doubts about his actions. I'll sit back and watch him dig his own grave, and hopefully they both fall in. I'm heartbroken and can't understand how he could hurt me the way he has.......

[BellaDonna]

I've never been cheated on but I can relate to the "gut feelings".

 

This might sound a little out-there, but I can always tell when a person is a cheater (in general), even if I am meeting them for the first time. I feel like they carry a different aura about them.

 

There have been countless times I have met other couples through mutual friends, and after meeting them I will tell my friend "He messes around on her, doesn't he?", or "That woman has a boyfriend on the side" and she'll say- How did you know that?

 

Long before anyone else knew about my parents seperating due to infidelity, I could tell my mother was up to something. I met her one night for coffee and she had a strange look on her face the whole time. She got mad at me because I came right out and said "What's with you? You look like you're on the prowl". She swore up and down that everything was fine with my father, and that I was terrible for assuming that. Then months later we find out she was indeed cheating at that time.

 

I can pick up on it from people close to me, and also from strangers. For me to pick up on it from strangers, I usually have to see them WITH their partner and observe both of them together. For people close to me, I only have to see the person alone. I know I would be able to tell if my husband was up to anything just by looking at him. Thankfully I've never had that feeling about him.

 

 

BellaDonna

[rightfromthestart]

someone else might not....that is where communication comes in because when u are dealing with an issue that desolves a relationship there should be no grey area. and whatever the person feels is cheating to them, even if u don't agree, you must always respect their opinion on it because u are not them. what it boils down to for me is this, its not the act of cheating on someone - whatever is done is not important. what is important is that they have turned a page in their mind where they no longer are attached to the person in a way that would prevent that. i know i have done some outrageous things in my lifetime, and by the definition i just provided, if i had ever 'left a person [as i described] they would see it in my eyes and i would not be able to lie about it. its something that runs in my family. and in a way it is a shield that prevents. so, to those of u who have cheated or have been cheated upon, do not let 30 seconds out of a lifetime impact the person you truly are nor your future. we all make mistakes. we are human.

[DN]

But the other side of that coin is: how many people have had a gut feeling about their partner cheating that turned out to be wrong?

[coollady1957]

Yes I have had that gut feeling and it proved to be correct. My now EX BF cheated on me. Even though everything "seemed fine" in the relationship, several months into it, I started having this feeling something was not right, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

 

I first tried to dismiss it as just anxiety about getting into a new relationship.

Boy was I ever wrong. About 6 months into being with this guy exclusively he started acting weird, like he was trying to cover something up. It was mostly things like he would stutter or hesitate when he was telling me things about his day, what he did, etc. Over a period of a few weeks, he went from being normal to acting antsy around me.

 

My gut feeling kept gnawing at me telling me that he was hiding something of a serious nature. I just had a feeling he was cheating on me, even though he was telling me how special I was and that I was the "angel" he had waited for all his life. I kept my suspicions to myself and thought I would just let it play out a bit longer and see if he would end up hanging himself with being careless somehow.

 

There was a day that he had been using my computer at my house. He was late for work that day and he left quickly , forgetting to log off his yahoo messenger and a dating profile that he had online. He had minimized the pages, to the computer but had not closed them nor signed off.

 

At this point I had not been to my computer so I did not initially know that he had accidently left everything logged on. I was in my kitchen and I suddenly heard the yahoo messenger alert tone that comes through when some one leaves an IM. I then thought well, I am not logged on there, I wonder what is IM'ing through on the computer. Sure enough when I go and bring back up the messenger he had three women IM'ing him about when and where they were going to meet. There was much more that I found out, but am leaving all those details off in an effort to keep this from getting too long.

 

I knew he would eventually get caught in his dirty deeds if he was up to something. Sure enough he did. Needless to say , he is a thing of the past, and good riddance for having booted him out of my life.

 

I have always had this gut feeling all my life about certain things that would arise. I would say that the majority of the time I was right on target with the intuition I would feel about things.

[BellaDonna]

But the other side of that coin is: how many people have had a gut feeling about their partner cheating that turned out to be wrong?

 

I would suspect that has ruined many relationships too (just as much as actual cheating would). If one partner has low self-esteem or baggage about trust issues and constantly accuses the other partner of cheating when it's not true, that could be very straining.

 

My guess in those situations, what you're really dealing with is not unexplainable "gut feelings" per se, but rather learned responses, habits, & paranoia that the person has developed either due to bad relationships in the past, or just extremely low self-esteem and insecurities. Partners who falsely sense cheating are also usually the possessive/jealous type.

 

BellaDonna

 

P.S. Interesting article on MSN that speaks to the issue of falsely accusing someone of "cheating" if they flirt.....link removed

[Jodiegirl]

I started to suspect things in mid June of this year. His whole persona and personality started to change.

1.) he started to get mean, very mean but yet after class , seemed "happy". I felt like I was burdeoning him

2.) he started to bath before going to class and chew gum. When I confronted him, he acting like I was breaking a law for asking that and snapped at me

3.) my carseat in my car was constantly moved forward. When I asked about that, he again snapped. He is NOT a snappy person, never was

4.) he started to secretely leave the room

5.) his guilt must have kicked in because all the sudden, he was text messaging me poems on how I was the best thing since sliced cheese

6.) He started to want LESS sex, but at other times, wanted it more.

7.) He started to come home at different times

8.) Right before getting busted, he called me on the way home a few times- which was unlike him. It was a dead giveaway that he was relieved to be "leaving" a situation and wanted to make sure the home front was clear

9.) he started recording my keystrokes online and accusing ME of cheating

10.) he spent WAY too much time explaining to me that "after class, I went out to eat, it took about 45 minutes, then 25 minutes drive home.. so it was bout this time when I left.. and here I am" ( hes a BAD LIAR) He NEVER had to explain times to me before

11.) He started to leave earlier and earlier and earlier

12.) A friend told me. He saw my car, but it wasnt me in it. OOPS?

13.) he goes to college with some of my friends, unbeknownst to him. OOPS? they busted and told me, when I called them on it after friend in 12 told me.

14.) HE HAS NEVER ever ever cleaned my car. However, a parking stub from Children's hospital when I took my son for a dentist appointment was VERY high proriety for him to get out of my car, BIG TIME.

 

It took me to September to bust him ( through cell phone bills- that is in my name). He still hasn't admitted the full truth and of course is a "changed man". Funny, a man wouldn't cheat, now would they?

[handsdown]

Thanks for all the replies!

 

It seems like, for the most part, we are aware of changes in behavior. It also seems like cheaters DENI everything, even when you've completely caught them, most of you say that he/she still will only admit "small" truths if even that.

 

I don't understand this. I think it's completely unfair for someone to go and cheat and deni it when confronted. The other person is left feeling like an idiot because they were never given the actual chance to defend themselves. How can they handle the guilt?

 

I know I couldn't, I came clean immediately when I made the mistake of cheating and ended the relationship right there. From my discussion with friends and everyone's responses, it seems like women generally come clean right away as opposed to guys who like to keep it secret, and will defend it with vigour. Why is this? Guys do you think this is an unfounded stereotype?

 

What about if you weren't cheating and your SO accused you of it? Would you also defend yourself just like someone who is lieing about it? How can we tell the difference? Is that possible?

 

WHY do people have to cheat? I hate that people can't control or take responsibility for their actions. (and yes I am guilty of this too!) Any more opinions?