Just dumped

[ctos]

Hi,

I was just dumped a few days ago after being in a five year relationship. We were months away from our wedding and had been living together. She moved out the other night and it kills me because the cloest is half full, the spot where her desk is empty, etc.

 

I haven't really done much but drink. I don't have anything else to do. I don't have any friends besides my cats. I don't know anyone. I work for myself out of my home so I'm here all day. I have no intention to meet people ... never did. Mainly because I don't like drama, and more so, I don't like 'breakups.'

 

She says she needs to find herself. I don't understand why she can't find herself here. I'm devestated and it's upsetting because I'm back to how I was six years ago: bitter, non-trusting, and non-caring. Any tips? This came out of the blue.

 

C

[sfindependent]

we all carry the burden of the unknown, and the pain of loneliness and solitude of being thrown away and discarded by the people whom we value and love the most. we expect the same value we have for them to be returned and when its not, we would be at our lowest. we all feel this way and feel free to jump in, the blanket gets warmer the more people get in it.

 

we are human and we will survive. thats what we do.

[mykeyg]

I'm sorry I don't want to make you feel worse but this is the classic result when someone makes another person their whole life. I mean think about this you may be completely satisfied with being the way you are (knowing noone etc) but she may have come to the conclusion that she needs a life outside the home after you're married, and by your attitude you've been very sucessful in letting her know you're not interested in that sort of thing, just because she's tolerated it up to now that doesn't mean she hasn't matured in her thinking in five years.

Perhaps the fact that the wedding was just around the corner scared her into taking stock of what life will be like. To be honest it seems like it might have been a lonely one. You seem to be very set in your ways and so she may feel that there is nothing left to do but to get out while she can since she clearly can't find what she's looking for while she's with someone who is happy to get along just him and his cats. I understand you were trying to avoid drama and break-up but it would appear that's exactly what you got anyway so I'm afraid from my point of view your logic is flawed. Take action for goodness sake pour the drink down the sink and tell her that you're willing to work on changing your outlook, tell her you want to broaden your mind. You could even postpone the wedding so that she feels comfortable giving you the time to prove to her that you can change. Otherwise I'm afraid bitterness may well take over.

It won't be easy but it'll show her she's got more than cats.

[doyathink]

You said this came out of the blue, there must have been some sort of warning?

 

What did she say to you?

[ctos]

mykeyg: She has friends and whatnot outside the home. She doesn't stay here 24/7. She goes out with the girls and I go along with her when it's not a girls nite. People come over here and stuff. It's just that I prefer not to befriend people. I don't have a need to really.

 

doyathink: No warnings. I thought everything was going better than ever. She said shes changing and needs to find out who she is.

[mykeyg]

Did she say who she's not? Or who she wuld like to be? It just seems really weird that after five years she just upped and went. And I'm sorry if my post came accross acusitive but all the talk of bitterness and drinking really painted a negative picture. I still wonder if she felt you were both becoming very different people, and I still believe the fact that your wedding being just around the corner made her start to wonder where her life is going. I really do want to stress though that when you put your faith in one person so much as soon they leave you realise you're left with nothing. A few years ago I was a little like you, didn't know a whole lot of people my job wasn't anything special but I didn't care because of the girl I was with. When she left I realised I had no friends no real job no real future. She moved on to bigger things and left me behind. Some people come to the conclusion that the person with whom they plan to share the rest of their lives with should have some sort of ambition to be more than just being comfortable with their lot in life. I really think your fianceé may have been discouraged by that comfort. Thats why I feel she just left out of the blue, if she felt there was hope she would have at least talked to you. Are you in contact at all?

[Dako]

Sorry, ctos. That's a hard blow.

 

Drink water, not depressingly dreary alcohol.

Get out of that place whenever possible and eat something healthy every day. The passage of time will help you recover.

 

As far as the details of why she left, dwelling on them right now will just increase the misery. Of course you can't help but wonder, blame, analyze or regret, but keeping busy will give you small breaks from the process that can help keep you more functional.

 

Getting past the first few weeks will show you some improvement.

You can get past this.

[sparkle1]

Surely we all need friends?

 

The low you are feeling now is horrific. We've all been there...and we have all felt the loneliness and confusion you are now faced with...but we are all still here - all still hopeful that next time we won't get hurt again....

 

You are in early stages, where everything seems a bit out of control. You need to take control back...

 

So are in no contact with her at the moment?

 

You will not however, find the answer at the end of the bottle x

[ctos]

mykeyg: No, she did not say who she wants to be or who she is not. She said she does not know who is is at the moment.

 

We are both very ambitious people, but with different "causes" ... I've started and sold two booming online companies and I just launched a third one. I like to build businesses from strach and create income to be able to retire early one day. She likes to help the needy and volunteer.

 

We are in contact. She is stopping by today to clean up the house since she made quite a mess when she moved out.

[sparkle1]

What is it that you are hoping for? her back? answers? or closure to move on?

 

 

(Yes closure i know i owe you $5 for using your name!)

[sparkle1]

sorry

i will shut up

 

i must have been a monster

i never loved anyone so much

what did i do

 

c - i am sorry i made u do that

i don't wanna ever be with somene again

i don't feel this now

 

i worked so hard

and

 

No don't shut up - i just can't make head nor tail over what is going on for you...and if we don't know we can't help

[mykeyg]

I was wondering if maybe the mess could be cleared up when she gets there. It'll make a good impression and might take her by surprise. Then you could have a chat over coffee and try to get to the bottom of things. Tell her that five years and an engagement is a lot of history to just give up on without at least a good reason, but don't pressure her. Ask if there's something you could do to help. I really think if you show her that you're willing to slow things down and give her some time to think she may be less inclined to just rush off without an explanation. I was once with a girl who got sick of me demanding reasons when she clearly wasn't ready to pour out her heart and my persistence did more harm than good and we fell out of contact. At the very least make sure that first and foremost you show that you wish to help and support her, she'll appreciate it. If you allow her to believe that she's torn your whole world appart she may think the damage is done and move on, she may also take your kindness as an encouraging gesture. I know all this is very difficult to do but trying to understand her will really help not demanding explanations will drive her away.

[ctos]

Well, she never ended up showing or even bothering to call to let me know.

 

She wrote eariler in an e-mail: " I have been with you for 5 years, and kind of ran away from my problems of my childhood and so on. I need counseling to figure out who I am and what I want. I need to be alone and look at myself in the mirror and really decide who I am. I can’t marry you and give you my soul and myself if I am not sure who that is. I know it doesn’t make any sense to you why I have to do it without you, but I feel deep within myself that it’s the right option and what I have to do right now. I just want you to love me enough to give me my space and understand that this is killing you just as much as its killing me. I am scared * * * *less that I am going to forever lose you and never be able ot get you back. "

[Relax]

Our relationship with a significant other or life partner does not determine our happiness. Our own thoughts determine our happiness. So, why not choose thinking that will support our highest celebration of our self?

[mykeyg]

I can sympathise with what you're going through, I'm sure you're wondering it makes too little sense or it all came out too quick to be anything but an excuse but just because it doesn't make sense right now doesn't mean she's jerking you around. For some strange reason I think she is telling the truth and I really do believe it was your upcoming wedding that made her start to consider her life and who she is. I know what she did was out of the blue but I bet these are feelings she's had for a long time only now getting close to sharing her life with someone she's had to deal with them, they weren't as big an issue before.

I guess what I'm trying to say is how can she give herself to you if she doesn't know what she's giving. I don't condone the way she did it but sometimes people really do need their space. She may feel that if she hangs around then she'll relent to the love you both obviously have and her goal of self discovery will be ruined. I stress again though, and this is from personal experience, if you push the issue she may get so bogged down that she makes efforts to cut her ties with you permenantly, please be patient.

I know you might be scared that when she finds herself she'll be someone different who'll want to move on, but she seems adamant that you're part of her future.

There are things in her life that need to be set straight and thats what she's doing it doesn't mean she's going to change completely. Remember she said that these were issues in her life before you, there may be things she can't bear for you to know until she's sorted things out. Wait for her, give her time, how much time is up to you using good sense but when that time comes believe me things will have gotten a whole lot clearer.

I want to give you my golden rule of break-ups, they say the first cut is the deepest it's not. The first time I lost in love I was devastated because I thought I'd never get over it, the second time I was devastated because I knew I would. Five years is a long time but it's only your pain that's telling you it's over.