Bells, whistles and red flags going off... EVERT TIME u meet a folk online...?

[Baby Carrot]

I gotta admit this super extra careful, suspicious, skeptical and even paranoid attitude from people around you when you announce to them you're having a friendship/relationship with someone online, is really annoying.

 

U tell them is fine, that is a good trustworthy person, and all you get is "Don't be silly you don't know this person, you're just getting all excited and swept away by fantasy, be very careful, he might rape you, kill you and feed you to the dogs..."

 

Why do they completely ignore your capacity of judging people?

 

Why do they assume it might be a jacko -without even knowing the person like AT ALL-, I mean based on what? Common sense? More like paranoia to me...

 

I do believe in finally doing what you feel is best for you... yes, even if everybody around think ur insane... If all makes sense and seems coherent for you... I say, go for it.

[chai714]

I think the media has a major influence on peoples thoughts and opinions regarding meeting people you've met online. The news rarely reports positive meetings online and a lot of that has to do with viewership and ratings.

 

I can understand your point though. They are probably looking out for your best interest even though at times it can be annoying.

[ImThatGirl]

I think because it is something somewhat "new." A new way of meeting people.

 

The way I see it is: The person you meet physically and go out on a date with, you have no idea what they are really like. At least online relationships, you have lots of time to determine / judge character.

[vesper]

You do have to be careful in everything that you do for instance if you decide to meet someone from online take a friend, or a relative, sister, brother, cousin, ....just someone else aLONG.

[Batya33]

I think there is a balance here. If you are meeting them on line and know no one they know, cannot google them to confirm the basics, just plan to meet in public, during the day, on familiar turf with an hour where at least one friend knows about your plan. And, no going in the same car for the first meeting. With those precautions that sounds safe enough to me. I wouldn't tell all my friends if that is their collective attitude, just one or two friends you can trust and who are supportive.

[Baby Carrot]

The news rarely reports positive meetings online and a lot of that has to do with viewership and ratings.

 

Totally agreed! Is always about underlining the bad stuff! Why are masses so hungry for disaster and doom and unhappy endings? This just keeps enforcing the paranoid idea that every chance you take in life is a potential time bomb that can blow up in your face pretty badly...

 

At least online relationships, you have lots of time to determine / judge character.

 

So true, when you meet someone online, you tend to be much more open and thrutful than when you go out on a date with someone, in the "real" world. Is contradictory, and I do know many people lie and make up things... but I certainly can tell the difference and know when someone is being upfront...and when is like that, things are much more intimate and honest than in 'real' life, seriously!

 

The same people that freak out on you and call you naive when you say ur "seeing" someone online, should also be freaking out when you tell them you're going a out with someone you've just met at a bar... but they don't, the bar scene is much more socially acceptable. When, in reality, it could be just as dangerous and suspicious. The net is not the only enemy!

[Dako]

It's as if people forgot the traditional way of meeting; drinking heavily and shouting over loud music, driving to their house while drunk and doing it on the floor.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Baby Carrot,

 

I'm having a sort of thing (defies definition!) with someone online. We met first, really attracted to each other, but live a long way apart. So this isn't love's young dream, it isn't a lot of things. But one thing that *is* interesting from his point of view is that normally he sleeps with girls and moves on (major trust issues). But with me, well with me he's been in daily touch for over a year now, and I'm the first woman he's got to know without sex being the defining factor.

 

As I say, this isn't about love or romance exactly, but I know that he's fascinated by getting to know a woman in such depth, without being physical. I think there *is* something to be said for online relationships in that sense, that you will explore each other's personality, thoughts and emotions, and over time that is quite a powerful thing. To him, more powerful than casual hook-ups which are more predictable.

 

That said, I don't know how it would have worked if I hadn't met him first. I don't think I could invest the emotional time or energy in someone I hadn't met in person - there's too much room for deceit and games. I want to know someone, warts and all, rather than a romanticised/sanitised view they can present through cyber space. Maybe that's just me, though.

 

Interesting threat - and of course, echo everyone, safety MUST be paramount.

[now_better]

U tell them is fine, that is a good trustworthy person, and all you get is "Don't be silly you don't know this person, you're just getting all excited and swept away by fantasy, be very careful, he might rape you, kill you and feed you to the dogs..."

 

lol... with so many people online, that's a lot of mass murderers out there. we all better go offline now.

 

It's as if people forgot the traditional way of meeting; drinking heavily and shouting over loud music, driving to their house while drunk and doing it on the floor.

 

so that's what i'm suppose to do...

[Baby Carrot]

drinking heavily and shouting over loud music, driving to their house while drunk and doing it on the floor.

 

People around would be much more OK if I told them I just did that with a complete stranger, than if I told them I went on vacation with a guy I've been talking to and getting to know online 6 months ago.

 

Oh well. Some double morals uh?

[Baby Carrot]

Hello, Honey Pumpkin.

 

there *is* something to be said for online relationships in that sense, that you will explore each other's personality, thoughts and emotions, and over time that is quite a powerful thing.

 

I totally agree. That's why is so annoying that you are supposed to make this kind of connection completely aside in the name of "safety"... there's actually a very thin line between being cautious and being paranoid... And man, paranoia is contagious! Once someone starts telling you that you can't possibly be 100% the guy is not a rapist no matter how powerful is your little "connection" with him.... everything starts trembling, is not fair! Cuz you know him, they don't! Why are their judgements and assumptions more valid than yours? That's my big problem with this over cautious attitude from people around.

 

I want to know someone, warts and all, rather than a romanticised/sanitised view they can present through cyber space. Maybe that's just me, though.

 

It completely depends on who you are talking to. Not everyone online tends to present this ultra polished and fake Myspace identity... plus, that thing is crowded with bored teenage liars. That place is not exactly the most genuine thing on the web.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I totally agree. That's why is so annoying that you are supposed to make this kind of connection completely aside in the name of "safety"... there's actually a very thin line between being cautious and being paranoid... And man, paranoia is contagious! Once someone starts telling you that you can't possibly be 100% the guy is not a rapist no matter how powerful is your little "connection" with him.... everything starts trembling, is not fair! Cuz you know him, they don't! Why are their judgements and assumptions more valid than yours? That's my big problem with this over cautious attitude from people around.

 

Just to be clear, though, the chap I'm talking about - I HAD met him first. And I do know people in his life, I know he's who he says he is, and where he works, lives etc. I don't know how trusting I would be of anyone I met on the internet alone, to be honest, without meeting them in real life. I think people can spin you a whole artificial line, and weave an entire life and personality for amusement. It happens a lot, and I think that is why people in the cyber relationship forum will often advocate you MEET the person (safely) in real life before taking it too far. I think that makes a lot of sense.

 

Also - chemistry and fancying someone. There is NO way of knowing if there is a physical spark there until you meet someone. There just isn't. You can make very dear friendships online, but anything more - nope, I don't believe it until you meet them.

 

After all, I might one day meet George Clooney and find that, in real life, he's just not my type....

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I've noticed this too, and it's terribly annoying. Yes, you should be careful, but the 'net is no more dangerous than meeting people in a bar or anywhere else.

 

Life is dangerous, and people you think you know and can trust tend to be the ones who do you the worst damage.

[Baby Carrot]

I think people can spin you a whole artificial line, and weave an entire life and personality for amusement. It happens a lot, and I think that is why people in the cyber relationship forum will often advocate you MEET the person (safely) in real life before taking it too far. I think that makes a lot of sense.

 

I agree on this too. But, as BrokenWingedFaery said.... the real life is not much safer than the virtual thing. And cover ups and lies, also exist and are dangerous even seeing a person face to face.

 

That "evil X factor" that people tend to invent when it comes to meeting people online is what really bugs me.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I agree on this too. But, as BrokenWingedFaery said.... the real life is not much safer than the virtual thing. And cover ups and lies, also exist and are dangerous even seeing a person face to face.

 

That "evil X factor" that people tend to invent when it comes to meeting people online is what really bugs me.

 

Sure - but there are visual clues and general clues you get in person; that things add up. They don't have time to google the information and pass it off as their own. I'm sorry, I sort of agree with you guys that cyber friendships can be great, but the cute girl someone is talking to could easily be a 57 year old man. Until you see someone face to face, you don't really know. The brain processes thousand and thousands of clues when we meet someone. When you're reading the carefully controlled words of someone, it's just not the same. You can't get away from the fact that there is much more room for deception in cyber space than in real life - alothough I agree that doesn't mean the same thing won't happen with someone you meet.

 

I think it's about being careful, and realising that you have to take a slightly detached view.

[Baby Carrot]

Until you see someone face to face, you don't really know. The brain processes thousand and thousands of clues when we meet someone.

 

Yeah, they're processed. But nothing guarrantees it's being "well" processed, you know what I mean? How many times we misinterpretate and get blinded by "first impressions" and make complete judgements out of that?

 

I guess is more fair to say that -of course, as long as the person you're talking to is being honest and not trying to play games- you get to know different sides thru the web and thru real convivence. But any of both cancel the other.

[RayKay]

I am not against people meeting online, I met my long term boyfriend online (and future hubby at some point!).

 

But that does not mean that you should not take precautions, meet in a safe place and get to know one another in person. Talking and "getting to know" one another online does not substitute for having a relationship in real life, and also does not mean you should not be careful.

 

Sure, there are some cases where people are true to whom they present, and it turns out wonderfully.....but that does not mean there aren't where it doesn't. And in my opinion, there is a difference between taking a "knowledgeable risk" with your heart, and just being foolish and risking your life, health and emotional and physical well being. REAL love would not be putting your life in jeopardy, and would take care to also look out for both of your concerns and safety.

[Baby Carrot]

Being foolish and risking your life, health and emotional and physical well being. REAL love would not be putting your life in jeopardy, and would take care to also look out for both of your concerns and safety.

 

Yeah, but this isn't limited to online dating. I think is equally dangerous going to bed with someone you've just met after a couple of drinks in a local bar or during spring break. People do this all the time and noone freaks out, because they are supposedly 'seeing' who they're talking to. Again, is a double standard.

[Batya33]

I think the main problem is when people presume that because they've been typing and talking to this on line person for months that somehow the safety concerns are lessened and that it is not like meeting a complete stranger. I think as long as you presume, for purposes of safety, that you are meeting a complete stranger and act accordingly, that makes the most sense. The internet can give someone a very false sense of ehnanced comfort, security and familiarity based on intense on line conversations. That intense connection, etc might turn out to be true in real life but when it comes to safety the presumption should be "complete stranger."

 

Similarly, I wouldn't go home with someone I met at a bar, or on the first date unless we already knew each other or he knew close friends of mine who vouched for him and knew him well. Even then .. . .

[BrokenWingedFaery]

I think Batya has summed my feelings on this up pretty well.

[RayKay]

Bingo - Carrot you are assuming that I think it is okay to go home with someone you just met and don't know, I am equally cautious of that as I am of meeting people online.