This is rather embarrising

[Mr Mister1]

This is bothering my so much that I'm having trouble sleeping so I figured I might as well post it up here.

 

I've been in a sort of on and off relationship for a few years. Explaining everything that's happened would take far too long but the short verson is it started as a LDR but she moved over to where I live, then decided she didn't want to see me anymore, and then changed her mind back and forth a few times. She's since had other issues which has meant she's returned to where she's from but she says she plans to move back here.

 

Here's the thing, the issues she's run into have caused her to be in serious debt and to some extent I've been helping her out. That's actually the embarrising bit because pretty much everyone has told me that I shouldn't be doing that, but I didn't know any other way to help her, she's cut off all connection to her family. It gets worse, she's not being very good at showing any kind of gratitude and when I can't help her out at all she get's abusive and tries to be manipulative.

 

She also never keeps to any of her promises, she promised to send me a photo, I asked her to because I hadn't seen her in a long time. But she's never bothered and when I ask for one she goes into the whole "I don't see why it's so important" line. She also came up here briefly late last year but never bothered to meet up with me, at the time things were very rough between us, basically because she wanted me to give her money and I said no, because I had other things to worry about.

 

Anyhow I know I've not made the wisest of choices here and I know this has to end because it really just feels like she's demanding things from me but never doing anything I ask her. And when she can't get what she wants she ends up saying things like "I don't want to end up with a man who will leave me starving and wearing rags" or words to that effect.

 

I know things haven't been easy for her, she's had a LOT Of issues to deal with and had a potentially life threatening disease. But it's just become too much and really unless she changes the way she behaves around me I don't see how we can ever have a happy relationship. I've tried all I can to help her through her issues but when she's always in another city, hardly communicates, doesn't answer the phone and when I say I want to talk with her just says she's too busy, well it's not that easy. And whenever I try bring these things up she accuses me of being argumentive and or on a power trip.

 

I pretty much need to tell her that it's not going to work and it's over, but for some reason the thought of doing that scares me a great deal. I haven't told any of my friends about the situation because I'm too embarrised and know they'll all tell me to just leave her. For some reason I keep wanting to try make things work, maybe a part of me still does even though I don't think it can.

 

Okay I guess I'm not really after any advice, I just felt the need to get that out.

[Relationship Coach]

I hope she is not just playing you for money, it certainly sounds that way. I remember this girl all too well, she had the eating disorder right? You need to stop playing the role of the rescuer and banker. She's taking advantage of your nice guy syndrome. You ask for a picture and she gets irritated, she then asks you for more money and then gets abusive when you say no? This isn't a relationship, it's a business deal gone bad. Stop helping her and help yourself, how are things at work?

 

RC

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Mr Mister,

 

Good post - you've clearly and articulately explained the issues of a long and involved relationship, so that I could easily pick up the gist of what's been going on. The reason I'm saying that is because you say that you're worried about telling her it's over - and I think what you need to do is lay it down as clearly for her as you have here.

 

You KNOW how you feel, and that it's time to end it. I think you sound like a nice, sensitive and aware person - which means that you can talk to her and tell her what the score is. It's always upsetting and difficult, but you can do this, you know exactly what you want and how you feel.

 

I think that you've given this relationship everything you reasonably can - the money thing; well personally I would not be in favour of anyone taking money like that from someone they were in a relationship with, but I don't think it's bad per se; just bad when someone is taking advantage of your generosity.

 

And you don't sound at all happy - you've tried and tried, it's time to be civil and decent, but end it for both your sakes. Just be as clear and nice as you've been here, and stick to your guns.

 

I wish you well with this - never an easy task but you will feel so much better after you've done this.

[chai714]

I agree with RC. Discontinue sending any more money. If you feel the need to donate money, give it to someone who will use it for a better cause such as charity or a hospital. Otherwise, you're simply someone who continues contributing to her being a user and abuser.

 

The weird thing is it seems as if you've already recognized her habits yet continue to carry on with her. Why is this?

[avman]

I do think she is playing you for money. She only is nice to you and pays attention to you if there is money involved so it is obvious she's simply out for that.

 

Cut her off. No more contact. Let her contact charitable organizations if she is that desperate. But as for you, drop her from your life. You don't need someone who abuses you like that.

[valenski]

There is nothing I hate more than an ungrateful recipient, it really steams me up. I know your not looking for advise but you need to drop her like a bad habit, dont feel guilty about it either because from what you described, she doesnt sound very grateful at all.

[Mr Mister1]

Thanks everyone,

Why have I continued it? I don't know, I guess I'm another one of those people who just takes longer than everyone else to realise things aren't going to work.

Like I said I know I've done some rather stupid things here, hense the subject heading.

 

avman, when you say no more contact do you mean I should just never talk to her again?

[avman]

avman, when you say no more contact do you mean I should just never talk to her again?

 

Yep, thats what I mean. Any relationship whether it is romantic or friendship must be based on both people contributing. I see you contributing, and her taking. But I don't see her giving anything back.

 

So if you get nothing out of the relationship, well then there is no reason to continue it. You need to stand up for yourself, get your self-respect back, and get rid of this toxic person from your life.

[Mr Mister1]

Ok then, have to say that is the easiest way out, to just block her email, msn etc and not respond to text messages.

 

It isn't a bit cold to end things by just cutting contact with no warning is it?

[avman]

It isn't a bit cold to end things by just cutting contact with no warning is it?

 

She's demonstrated more than enough times how little you mean to her. It is merely your wallet she is interested in. This isn't a friendship you are ending, you are merely closing the bank from further business.