Short but Intense Relationship- Why is it taking so long to get over

[mike440]

I'm still trying to completely get over a relationship that ended about six months ago. We only dated for six months, but had known each other for a few years before. The problem is, there are times that I think we were right for each other, but other times that I know we were wrong for each other. This relationship moved way too fast, and I guess I should have tried to slow it down sooner than I did. When we first broke up, I apologized to her that I couldn't handle the relationship and I took the blame for it, which I really have no problem with. The relationship moved so fast that I had no time to sort out my thoughts, and I think I may have started to get depressed from the smothering….is this a typical reaction to smothering? Here are some of the things that happened:

 

- She said 'I love you' within 2 weeks

- Wanted to move in together within a month

- Only seemed interested in me for things that related to the relationship. No interest in where I grew up, my job, or anything else unless it impacted the relationship

- Although I was at her place every day of the week, sat right next to her on the couch, hugged and kissed, she always questioned my dedication to the relationship.

- Accused me of making excuses to get away when I needed to go home for a few hours on a Saturday to cut grass and do laundry.

- Constantly questioned where the relationship stood. I was honest and told her I needed time to change my mindset to living with someone (and mainly her 3 dogs and 4 cats), just please give me time (keep in mind this is only 2-3 months into the relationship). One hang up was asking that we work on house training the dogs, who regularly went to the bathroom in the house. She simply said it was not possible to train these dogs not to do this.

- Anything I did that she didn't find satisfactory (not cutting the grass to her liking, not telling her (only suggesting) ways to hang a picture) she interpreted to mean that I didn't care about her.

- Seemed jealous of my house and car because they were things I worked on that took a little bit of time away from us being together.

- She got a new job six weeks into our relationship, so she could receive email. The first one I sent, I didn't end with 'I love you', so I was questioned about that and pretty much had to sign them that way from then on.

- She said things like 'You're my hero', 'You're my Rock', 'You're my Sanity', 'You're what gets me through the day'....at the time it was flattering, but now I think she may have relied on me too much to make her feel good about herself.

- I felt like I couldn't talk to her because she would take things personally even if the topic had nothing to do with her.

- Got jealous when I talked to her female neighbor (if I was interested, I could've dated the neighbor while my ex was with her previous boyfriend)…this neighbor was a very pleasant woman, a friend to both of us.

- I asked that we slow down the relationship at one point, to which she responded 'this is slow for me'

- I continually tried to reassure her that I wanted to be in the relationship and I loved her, but I eventually got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. I guess the depression (or whatever it was) was showing and she said 'I've seen this before- you're getting ready to break up with me'- I guess she's drained guys before?

- Towards the end, I started to feel like it was a chore to go see her and felt tremendous relief when I would leave for the night….I think I was starting to get depressed from her not understanding my need to slow things down and never having time to myself (just sitting home alone and thinking). I asked for a two nights a week to myself, and she thought I was preparing her for a break up. In truth I wasn't, but I was trying to figure out the issues I was having.

 

This woman is 27 years old, and hasn't been single for any time longer than a few weeks since she was 13 years old. After we broke up, she went on the internet that night and signed up for a few dating websites…..A few days later we tried getting back together because I thought I could work out what was bothering me (which it turns out I still didn't know at the time), but she broke up with me after she met a guy from the internet who she is now dating. I did research and found many symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder, among other things, that she had. I saw how the relationship was with her former boyfriend of seven years- she controlled most of the household and was very difficult to compromise with, yet could be so sweet at times.

So why is getting over her so difficult for me? She was a very sweet, loving person, but I wonder if it was only to be validated in return (since she had little interest in me otherwise)? Or because I know she is in a relationship now that appears to be working out and I am again questioning my part in the failed relationship (I know I had my part in it, but I don't think it was as much as I initially took the blame for)? Is depression/irritability a typical reaction to being 'smothered'? Did I get drained sooner than most people? Sorry for such a long post- Any similar stories or words of wisdom are appreciated.

[g44]

i am sorry to hear about this but it is best u never think about her as a partner again.

 

i mean how does one cheat if they claim to be IN love with you?

 

u say within moments of leaving she is hooking up?

 

It is not possible to trust again

 

What can she do to prove she is loyal and faithful now and has learned her lesson? Nothing

 

i once heard of a woman that cheated 6 months into a relationship and again a year later. and its not like she lied to my face about it - just never showed any sign of guilt whatsoever. and i heard that it was described this way "The cheating wasn't full blown sex..actually she was the giver without receipt of anything."

 

that is so whacked. what a weird way of looking at initmacy. i think the person that was in love with her actually wrote a love song for her.

 

a promise is a declaration assuring that one will do something; a vow.

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your

destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. this i really understand now.

 

And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over or they were never really part of the novel. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying toraise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

 

Let me tell you something. I've learn how to wrap the gift of good-bye.

[NJRon]

Sometimes you are sad that you see such potential in someone and wish they would allow themselves to be all they that could be. You get this urge to try and help them realize that. Sometimes they can and they are working on it. However, some don't.

 

Regardless, it's not your responsibility. You have recognized all the things that you *don't* want out of a person and, though it make syou sad that you know she could be better and that you could potentially be a great match, for now... it's not a good option. It's called being torn. In the end, you need to lay it to rest. Look toward what you *do* want in a future partner and don't settle for less.. or at least... don't settle for less than you are willing to settle for... which, in this case, looks like you would have to be settling for a lot less than you probably could get.

 

Wish her luck in her struggles, let go with love and move on to greater opportunities for you... they're out there.

[iceman85]

Mike I feel for you and to answer your question the reason it hurts so much is because you were blindsided by her. She was head over heels for you and I'm sure you never expected her to drop you for another guy. That and the fact that you really cared about her.

 

Its also tough to realize that someone you cared about so much even if it was such a short period of time has issues that you cant do anything about. You want to help people you care about but when you cant it can be incredibly frustrating.

 

You will realize that she wasnt right for you, you dont deserve someone who is as unstable as she is. You will find someone much better, and that pain that your feeling now will be turned around into hapiness.

[mike440]

Thanks for the replies....you're all correct in saying I need to move on and just forget, and now I know what I want in a partner...I think it just helps to hear it from others. Through it all, she made it out to be me that couldn't handle being in a relationship, that I just had to open my heart and love someone....this is 2-3 months into the relationship!!! I feel that I did love her before it ended, but I was too drained to show it or even care at that point. I think it also helps that others see much of her behavior to be unstable because I start to doubt my judgement after being told that I'm the one that has problems -not that we don't all have our issues- I admit I have mine, but looking back, I think her's were a little extreme.....I guess I'm trying to gain back some sanity I lost trying to speak logically to her....

[Belle]

Mike,

 

I think you dodged a bullet. She sounds extremely codependent and would have sucked the life out of you. Codependent people are sweet as long as they get what they want from you. But they need too much. And if they dont' get it they'll keep looking for it. She can't seem to stay out of relationships because she needs so much that one man can't give it to her. You would have been exhausted in a few years. Sounds like you already were.

 

Recognize the signs of what she demanded from you and learn to walk the other way when you see it again. Codependent people only give to receive and are incapable of having healthy reciprocal relationships. There will always be drama and you'll be too tired to argue about anything and you'll end up giving in.

 

It's really not worth it. It's the new guy's problem now. Just be thankful he showed up.

[moonflowers]

Besides the problems you listed and the codependency that Belle spotted, this girl seems to also have all the classic symptoms of a rebounder - wanting to move very quickly in the relationship; not really caring about you, but just a relationship with you; being extremely emotionally open, etc.

 

You mentioned that she isn't used to being single at all, so perhaps to her, your presense was all she wanted, someone warm and cuddly nearby.

 

Rebounders are also desperate for closeness of any form, so they tend to be much more vibrant, open, and willing to pull you closer than the average person. This vibrancy and emotional openness is admittedly rare, and there's nothing that people want to hear more than they're cherished and loved, so it's natural that you're having a harder time getting over her than expected.

 

I believe it's a sign of health that you decided you couldn't put up with this sooner than her previous boyfriends. Healthy people don't let themselves be treated like toys on strings.

 

Best wishes in recovering!

[The Crying Pony]

Mike,

 

I'm also going through a break-up. It sucks, but you know that already. My boyfriend left because things got toxic. Sounds like you couldn't put up with a toxic relationship either.

 

Now is the time to just grow grow grow!

 

Good luck!

[mike440]

It's reassuring to hear that she sounds like a codependent, that it was a toxic relationship, that she was only sweet and caring to get it in return, because these are all things I either identified afterwards or during the relationship, but questioned myself on because of how often I was pretty much told by her that I was dysfunctional (I was told in much sweeter words of course) for not being able to handle the way the relationship was going. I always wondered why people put up with the things they do in relationships, now I can understand. Looking in on the relationship, I believe I would've seen it as unhealthy from the beginning, but being in the situation (and essentially being told that you're the problem) can really have an effect on the ability to think clearly as well as self esteem. Thanks for the replies.