mike440

It's reassuring to hear that she sounds like a codependent, that it was a toxic relationship, that she was only sweet and caring to get it in return, because these are all things I either identified afterwards or during the relationship, but questioned myself on because of how often I was pretty much told by her that I was dysfunctional (I was told in much sweeter words of course) for not being able to handle the way the relationship was going. I always wondered why people put up with the things they do in relationships, now I can understand. Looking in on the relationship, I believe I would've seen it as unhealthy from the beginning, but being in the situation (and essentially being told that you're the problem) can really have an effect on the ability to think clearly as well as self esteem. Thanks for the replies.

Thanks for the replies....you're all correct in saying I need to move on and just forget, and now I know what I want in a partner...I think it just helps to hear it from others. Through it all, she made it out to be me that couldn't handle being in a relationship, that I just had to open my heart and love someone....this is 2-3 months into the relationship!!! I feel that I did love her before it ended, but I was too drained to show it or even care at that point. I think it also helps that others see much of her behavior to be unstable because I start to doubt my judgement after being told that I'm the one that has problems -not that we don't all have our issues- I admit I have mine, but looking back, I think her's were a little extreme.....I guess I'm trying to gain back some sanity I lost trying to speak logically to her....

I'm still trying to completely get over a relationship that ended about six months ago. We only dated for six months, but had known each other for a few years before. The problem is, there are times that I think we were right for each other, but other times that I know we were wrong for each other. This relationship moved way too fast, and I guess I should have tried to slow it down sooner than I did. When we first broke up, I apologized to her that I couldn't handle the relationship and I took the blame for it, which I really have no problem with. The relationship moved so fast that I had no time to sort out my thoughts, and I think I may have started to get depressed from the smothering….is this a typical reaction to smothering? Here are some of the things that happened: - She said 'I love you' within 2 weeks - Wanted to move in together within a month - Only seemed interested in me for things that related to the relationship. No interest in where I grew up, my job, or anything else unless it impacted the relationship - Although I was at her place every day of the week, sat right next to her on the couch, hugged and kissed, she always questioned my dedication to the relationship. - Accused me of making excuses to get away when I needed to go home for a few hours on a Saturday to cut grass and do laundry. - Constantly questioned where the relationship stood. I was honest and told her I needed time to change my mindset to living with someone (and mainly her 3 dogs and 4 cats), just please give me time (keep in mind this is only 2-3 months into the relationship). One hang up was asking that we work on house training the dogs, who regularly went to the bathroom in the house. She simply said it was not possible to train these dogs not to do this. - Anything I did that she didn't find satisfactory (not cutting the grass to her liking, not telling her (only suggesting) ways to hang a picture) she interpreted to mean that I didn't care about her. - Seemed jealous of my house and car because they were things I worked on that took a little bit of time away from us being together. - She got a new job six weeks into our relationship, so she could receive email. The first one I sent, I didn't end with 'I love you', so I was questioned about that and pretty much had to sign them that way from then on. - She said things like 'You're my hero', 'You're my Rock', 'You're my Sanity', 'You're what gets me through the day'....at the time it was flattering, but now I think she may have relied on me too much to make her feel good about herself. - I felt like I couldn't talk to her because she would take things personally even if the topic had nothing to do with her. - Got jealous when I talked to her female neighbor (if I was interested, I could've dated the neighbor while my ex was with her previous boyfriend)…this neighbor was a very pleasant woman, a friend to both of us. - I asked that we slow down the relationship at one point, to which she responded 'this is slow for me' - I continually tried to reassure her that I wanted to be in the relationship and I loved her, but I eventually got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. I guess the depression (or whatever it was) was showing and she said 'I've seen this before- you're getting ready to break up with me'- I guess she's drained guys before? - Towards the end, I started to feel like it was a chore to go see her and felt tremendous relief when I would leave for the night….I think I was starting to get depressed from her not understanding my need to slow things down and never having time to myself (just sitting home alone and thinking). I asked for a two nights a week to myself, and she thought I was preparing her for a break up. In truth I wasn't, but I was trying to figure out the issues I was having. This woman is 27 years old, and hasn't been single for any time longer than a few weeks since she was 13 years old. After we broke up, she went on the internet that night and signed up for a few dating websites…..A few days later we tried getting back together because I thought I could work out what was bothering me (which it turns out I still didn't know at the time), but she broke up with me after she met a guy from the internet who she is now dating. I did research and found many symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependent Personality Disorder, among other things, that she had. I saw how the relationship was with her former boyfriend of seven years- she controlled most of the household and was very difficult to compromise with, yet could be so sweet at times. So why is getting over her so difficult for me? She was a very sweet, loving person, but I wonder if it was only to be validated in return (since she had little interest in me otherwise)? Or because I know she is in a relationship now that appears to be working out and I am again questioning my part in the failed relationship (I know I had my part in it, but I don't think it was as much as I initially took the blame for)? Is depression/irritability a typical reaction to being 'smothered'? Did I get drained sooner than most people? Sorry for such a long post- Any similar stories or words of wisdom are appreciated.

I think you'll be doing the right thing by getting out of this....I suspect my ex had BPD (not diagnosed), but I felt during the (EXTREMELY) fast moving relationship that the love was fake, just to try to get the same in return, and I got burned out. We broke up and I initially regretted it thinking that I was defective because I couldn't return all the 'love'.....after doing research, I found how many things she matched up with in BPD and Dependent Personality Disorder, and I have to believe now that I'm much better off....I think you'll find the same thing. Look for singles groups in your area to go to, or take a non-credit class at a community college to learn more about something you'd like to do. Maybe you'll also meet some friends there.

I had a relationship with a woman for about 6 months. We had been friends for some time before this, so I thought we would be good together. The problem was that once we started dating, she wanted me there anytime I wasn't at work. I would usually stay over once or twice a week, but was there every evening and weekend. Once when I had to leave on a Saturday morning to cut the grass and do laundry, she told me I was just looking for an excuse to leave. I cut her grass once because we were getting ready to go out and it needed done. She didn't say anything at the time or act unappreciative, but later she thought that since I didn't do it right, it meant I didn't care about her. Apparently I was supposed to cut it three times to get the stuff that I didn't get the first times around. She would obsess about where the relationship stood- she was ready to move in after a month. I told her I had a lot to get used to- going from living alone to living with her and her three little dogs and four cats....not what she wanted to hear, but it was only a few months into the relationship. A big issue was one dog like to go to the bathroom in the house- I tried to get her to do something to train him, but she just said that the breed is difficult or impossible to train, so occasionally there would be poop or pee in the living room, kitchen, etc. It seems that she was always scared of breaking up- I tried to comfort her by saying that I don't NEED to be here, I WANT to be here, but she said 'that means you could leave at any time'. When I finally told her that I needed a couple evening a week alone, she said I was just preparing her for a breakup....I couldn't make sense of a lot she would say or think. There were numerous other guilt trips and issues, but she was so sweet and loving that it was hard to get mad at her. I started to feel drained, and possibly depressed from (I assume) the steady need for reassurance that I loved and cared about her (she said I love you about a week or two into the relationship). One reason I'm asking is that a mutual friend told me that her new guy (who she met over the internet within a week of our breakup, and I dated her within days of her breakup with her previous BF) that she's been dating about 6 months said he'd move in as soon as he gets his place ready for sale. Now that is done and he's saying he's not ready to leave his friends (this is about a 45 minute drive away)....I don't know if he's also getting emotionally drained and making excuses, or if he'll eventually do it, but it made me wonder that if he's ready to do this, do I get drained quicker than most people out there would in this situation? How long would you give yourself to get drained?