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Lost and Confused... Help if you can


always123
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it does sound like he is doing everything he can for you to show you that it is you he wants....and if you want to be with him again because it sounds ligit since april, i mean when i guy blows off his friends for a girl, well he's gotta like her....but if you do take him back those things he is doing now shouldn't change, if you notice those things start going back to how they use to be then just drop him. tell him, no more lying or anything suspicious otherwise your gone, because you don't deserve it and he doesn't desearve to be with a great girl like you.

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First of all, welcome to Enotalone!

 

Honestly, to me it sounds like your boyfriend really is making changes. Instead of saying he will change and you never seeing it, you are seeing changes in him. And if he really is changing and hasn't cheated on you since, then this is a great step in the right direction.

 

But honestly, I'm worried about you. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to forgive and forget. And really, I wouldn't blame you. You just don't forget about the times when someone who supposedly loved you hurt you so bad.

 

Right now I'm sure you are still having a hard time with trusting him, right? Do you think that there will ever be a time when you can trust him again 100%?

 

A healthy relationship needs trust. A healthy relationship needs honesty and when there isn't honesty, the trust goes way down. I mean, really, how do you know he honestly hasn't cheated on you since, or how do you honestly know he's not lying about something else. The truth is, you don't. And since he's already broken that trust, how could you?

 

You need to ask yourself if you can ever really forgive him for what happened? And that means not bringing it up and getting hurt by it. It means to start over with your feelings and allow yourself to trust him again.

 

If you can trust him, and you know deep down that he really is changed, then I would say that you can have a healthy relationship. But if not, then I would say that no matter how much you cared about him, you will never be completely happy and you will always resent him for what he did. And you deserve better than that.

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it's really hard to get over a hurt like that. it doesn't just go away. and i'm sorry to say that there is much remedy to it other than to just learn from it and try to move on. try going out with your friends a lot more, or trying to get to know these girls that your b/f is talking to so that you know that they aren't a threat or anything. you can't just expect him to stop talking to girls all together, but it's understandable that you get jealous.

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I want to say I liked the way you handled things with him.

 

Meow gave some awesome advice. I agree with her that the question is now about whether you can forgive & forget. personally i don't know if I could....married 10 years down still in my mind. Some people have that ability & some don't. If you are one that doesn't than you will not be satisfied in the relationship. You'll always want more, like someone who hasn't already betrayed you & hid it from you & lied.(You deserve that!!!) He's shown you what he is capable of. Maybe he isn't the one for you.

It's hard work building a relationship on a broken foundation.

So I'd make sure he's worth it...he is putting in effort...but it is risk.

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HI, i really need some help. I am new here, I really need to know what to do. I have been talking to this guy now for about a month. (I am married) The guy that i am talking to knows that he can call me at work . he knwos that what time I get off work and he cant call me when i get home because duh i will be with my husband. He has acted ver interested in me. we have not wenta ll the way yet. He tells me that he does not care if i call him everytime i get a chance. When I asked him if he was sure he said "yes" call when you can as long as your husband is not around,. He acts interested when i see him, but not calling me makes me think he is not interested. i call him maybe 10 times a day, and he says he was really busy or sleeping. what shlould I do? should i back off or what . please help me i feel as thought it drives me crazy!!

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They say actions speak lounder than words... and it sure seems that he is changed (or at the very least, a great actor) but lets take his actions for true meaning for now. If hes really on the up and up then go with the second chance if you still love him.

 

I would probably tell him that you appreciate the changes he has made for you... if hell give up who he was, that must mean he things you are special. However, he didnt show you that respect until he almost lost you. I would tell him that as much as you appreciate it, if he were to slip up he needs to know that hes already had his second/ third/ fourth chances...

 

Give him this shot, but realize that if he screws up again... thats just who he is and its time to go.

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You asked if we thought if he would really change for you! No, he won't make any changes you ask him too simply because you ask. He will only make changes in himself if HE truly wants to change. If he truly believes he has done something wrong.

 

If he cares enough about you and doesn't want to lose you, he may but I would tend to be cautious with this. Dont believe him just because he says he has changed, give it time and it will show in his actions, not his words!

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trust is something u either have or u don't. if that trust has been broken it is almost impossible to repair. and, if this guy cheated on you, had affairs, then he is not worth it. and u will always wonder about him no matter what changes he makes. as long as you are 100% sure of what u claim he has done, then save yourself more hurt and pain. doubt and trust do mix.

 

i hope that helped

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LOL, ok not really my intention, but now I'm laughing so hard, cheating, cheating, and cheating, oh well it's still happening. Nope, I'm not laughing at the person who got cheated on/hurt, I'm laughing at the fact that it makes no sense being in a relation without trust... IMAO, once again, this wans't intended, nut oh well. So cheatings still happening.

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Not all cheaters are the same. Some people are indeed serial cheaters while others cheat and then truly regret what they have done. It is all fine in theory to have zero tolerance....but theory and actual fact aren't always the same. Emotions, history between two people etc. come into play. It is not always so cut and dried...you cheat, you are out the door. There are people who do indeed re-build their relationship after one partner as cheated...if the partner truly regrets cheating.

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i don't think it is fair to take one 'act' and have it be the difference that makes it or breaks it. after all, haven't we all done something we wish we didn't before? no one is perfect. someone mentioned the link between honesty and trust. and they do go hand in hand. however, they don't have to occur at the same time...sometimes people find the courage to be honest with themeselves by going thru something huge...and if u can see that, and believe that, that would be enough for me to regain trust. sometimes we think A must follow B to get to C and life, and people just aren't like that. everyone is unique and arrives at the truth in different ways. think about how honest you are with yourself all the time. do u ever second guess yourself? think, geee, maybe i was wrong about this because....see, it sounds simple but life isn't simple...add in all the variables and take a look at the whole picture and instead of judging someone because of concrete rules, just observe, and try and understand. no saying all that, there are certain things that are unacceptable and need no analysis.

 

just a thought

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