Is there any point in texting/calling a guy first?

[usababe]

I met this guy over the weekend and we got on really well, I was really attracted to him and he seemed the same with me. We met in a club, chatted with him and his friends for the night, we kissed afterwards and swoped numbers at the end of the night, it's now 3 days later and I haven't heard anything so I'm thinking I should just let it go but should it always be up to the guy?

[annie24]

ok.... this will be controversial... but I think you should not call. The fact is, you two have already kissed, so the "he's shy" excuse has flown out the window. He knows you are interested, so I would say if he was interested, he would call you. you never know, he may be trying to be cool, and is going to wait another few days before he calls you....

 

but I don't think you should contact him.

[MaeMae]

I agree. You don't want to come off as 'needy'.

[amtjrtcet]

Yep, don't call. If a man is interested he'll contact you. Wait it out a few more days and then move on.

[usababe]

Yeah, my thoughts exactly thanks everyone

[tretneo]

ok before you read any further this is a question not a judgement or flame post... but why don't women want to take any of the initial contact steps? I am just wondering so don't flame me

 

Rob

[Jayar]

ok before you read any further this is a question not a judgement or flame post... but why don't women want to take any of the initial contact steps? I am just wondering so don't flame me

 

Rob

 

Hi Rob,

 

Because men are the pursuers. That's the way it is with EVERY species on earth (though the females do have varying degrees of dominance). It's biology. Women have advanced in the home and workplace, but we haven't changed biological make-up. Women do the "attracting" with their curves and hair and delicate facial features, but the MEN are the ones that pursue said attractive flower. Sure, there are exceptions, but it is my belief that a man who is interested in a woman will move mountains to be with her. Why would a woman ever NEED to initiate first contact? A smile and a long look will do it, or on to the next chap.

 

Short answer: If he doesn't call you, he's just not that into you...

 

There are always going to be women that chase men. And they're usually the ones on here complaining later about his lack of attention, the fact he talks to other girls all the time, the fact he doesn't seem to care about meeting her emotional/sexual needs, etc.

 

JMO.

[timlondon]

Hi Rob,

 

It's biology. Women have advanced in the home and workplace, but we haven't changed biological make-up.

 

 

Meh

 

Pretty old-fashioned viewpoint really, and specious use of "biology" to cover what is essentially a cultural issue. I expect that the way women behave towards men would seem outrageously aggressive to previous generations – I think there is increasing parity between the way men and women attract each other. Certainly men are more visually motivated than women, but it's only a question of degree.

 

I do think what's important is to play it cool & not seem needy – but it's 3 days so go ahead and fire off a text...

[Jayar]

Pretty old-fashioned viewpoint really, and specious use of "biology" to cover what is essentially a cultural issue.

 

That's my point... It isn't a cultural issue. At least I don't believe it is. I believe it IS biology. And nowhere did I say that a woman has to be aggressive or standoffish to a man... She should be sweet and friendly. But she should let HIM pick HER and then she should hold onto some of her cards (like her personal hobbies and sexuality) at least for a while.

[amtjrtcet]

Jayar........couldn't agree with you more.

[Batya33]

I typically will not initiate contact if we swap numbers but I am friendly and approachable. Sure, it might be old fashioned but I have yet to see a happy, healthy long term relationship where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning - sure asking a man out for a drink or calling him even though you swapped numbers is not "most of the pursuing" but typically I agree with those who say that that the ball is in the man's court. I also think it is somewhat unusual for a relationship to develop out of an encounter at a bar that includes kissing, or out of a one night stand. When it comes to that I know of several exceptions but know of many more stories where the man or woman was under the impression that it was just a drunken kiss or hook up.

[DN]

One of these days soon I will write a thread about how dating and relationships have changed over the last fifty years since I have been taking notice of such things and illustrate how 'biology' doesn't begin to explain those changes - especially if you take into account cultural differences and even more so changes that have taken place since these things have been recorded.

 

If people were to actually study the changes that have taken place instead of making assumptions they might change their views.

 

Something else that might change their view is to browse through the literally thousands of posts on this site from guys who would be only too delighted if a woman were to make the first move. It is way too easy for women to hide behind out-dated stereotypes and refuse to take same risk of rejection that they expect men to take.

 

To those who say that 'It has always been that way' I say, with great respect, 'Nonsense'.

 

One quick example: in the fifteenth century thirteen year old Iroquoian women would choose their husbands from a family living in the same village but occupying a different longhouse. The man would leave his family and take up residence in the longhouse of his bride. Note that it was the female who made the choice of mate.

 

Biology - humph!!!

[Batya33]

Of course the men would be delighted if women did most of the pursuing in the beginning or even throughout. But, my best prediction is that those would not be the women they choose to marry or have a long term exclusive relationship with. For a woman who just wants a man around with no concerns about an exclusive relationship leading to marriage, pursuing men is probably a fine idea. For those who do, however, times haven't changed much at all in my opinion and I live in a major city where most of the men and women I know are educated professionals. When I start to see any long term happy healthy relationships where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning (never have seen one) I would be happy to take the initiative - I have asked out men and it's not easy but it's more than doable. For now though, it's not an effective way to reach my goal.

[DN]

When I start to see any long term happy healthy relationships where the woman did most of the pursuing in the beginning (never have seen one

 

But if all you educated professional women don't take the initiative how will you ever know that your theory is right or wrong?

 

Maybe you could be a pioneer - y'know, like those women who fought the stereotypes and secured the vote.

 

The fallacy in the position is the assumption that men have always been the pursuers. Which raises the question - why do so many cultures have or had arrange marriages? Why did so many cultures have 'matchmakers'? - most of whom were women.

link removed

 

Anyway - my advice to the OP - give him a call. It's not much of a pursuit but it is a start.

[annie24]

My advice doesn't come from the standpoint of "well, men are the aggressors...."

 

My advice comes from experience. I met plenty of men at bars/clubs, kissed them, traded numbers. It's been my experience that if they are actually interested in getting to know you more, they will call. I have called guys I met at bars, and they never returned my call at all.

 

some guys just go to bars to have fun for the evening, not because they are looking for a gf. I've found out later that many even had girlfriends already!!!

 

so, my advice just applies to meeting men in bars, after there has been some drinking and kissing. I think that you have shown that you are receptive to them if you've kissed them, so if they are interested, they will call. If not, then there is probably a good reason why they didn't call!

[Closure]

I met this guy over the weekend and we got on really well, I was really attracted to him and he seemed the same with me. We met in a club, chatted with him and his friends for the night, we kissed afterwards and swoped numbers at the end of the night, it's now 3 days later and I haven't heard anything so I'm thinking I should just let it go but should it always be up to the guy?

 

Call him, he may have lost your number, i've lost a hundred girls numbers, it happens.

 

Listen, you like him, right now you aren't in contact, if he changed his mind you'll be where you are now, having lost nothing. If it goes well this has just been daft.

 

CALL HIM!

[methuselah]

Geez, call already.

 

I think that twice as many great relationships would happen to all these lonely people if women would get over their hang-ups about calling, not calling blah blah blah. Not that men don't have just as many hangups about stuff (because they do), but the fact that the whole "date initiation" game is left up to us dim-witted, awkward, self-absorbed males sabotages the whole thing and creates the need for lonliness forums on the internet.

[annie24]

OK guys - then I have a question for you....

 

You meet a girl at a bar, have fun, talk, laugh, kiss, trade numbers at the end of the night.... and you don't call her. Why not? Or, to phrase it another way, if you were interested in getting to know this girl better, and she kissed you back, so she seems receptive.... why would you not call her after all this?

[methuselah]

Well...I think I would. But I know I do not speak for everyone.

 

Some guys I know...

 

are in an "altered state" at a bar (they do serve mind altering liquids) and in a sober state the next day are too shy/too busy/have another interest, etc.

 

collect phone numbers like deer hunters collect antlers. They collect so many they could never hope to call even a small percentage.

 

are low-self esteemers that want to feel sexy and wanted for a night.

 

simply lose the paper or forget they even have it or who it was who gave it to them.

 

are ashamed of the way they acted in public and would rather not rehash it by contacting the active participant in the debauchery.

 

 

I'm sure there's plenty more where that came from. I believe the problem lies in the fact that bars do not discriminate on who they let in. Bars seem to attract a good percentage of drunk idiots (male and female). I've gone to bars looking for good times and found them...but they only seem to stay at the bar.

[annie24]

I think I have met examples of all those men you have mentioned.

 

So... what I gather from your post... is that none of those men are men that we should be pursuing.

 

Are there men out there that will meet a girl they really like at the bar, but not call her (for reasons other than them being a drunk idiot?)

 

What I am wondering... to say it another way.... if you are a decent guy, not a drunk, and meet a girl you like at the bar, and she kisses you, you're going to call her soon, right??? If you don't call her, that means that something is up.

[methuselah]

You ask tough questions, annie. (but so do I...you replied to my post).

 

What I know is that there is a good possibility that the human genome is flawed. It can produce the proteins to construct the universe's most amazing machine: the self-aware brain. However culture and reasoning results in the brain attacking itself: depression, low self-esteem, worries not based in reality (at the extreme ends...schizophrenia, self-mutilation, suicide).

 

What all that crap means is that even decent, lovable, beautiful, caring people that would rescue your drowning kitten in a heartbeat...might ask for your phone number and never call it. Even if it is their best interest. Even if you are the most wonderful thing they have ever laid eyes on.

 

The sad and ironic thing is, is that the bar is an escape, a different world (I have spent countless hours in them) and these very decent people suddenly turn into their alter-ego (Party-dude, John Travolta). My previous post commented on the "ashamed" sort. This goes back to that.

 

My advice to anyone is to keep expectations low at an establishment whose primary purpose is to serve alcohol. Call backs happen more often at other places, more based in reality.

 

Strangely enough, I am that "decent" guy that calls the numbers I receive (probably more desperate than decent!) and several times the girl I called is not even interested or will not even return my message!

 

Well that probably didn't answer your question at all, but it sure got a lot off my chest.

[usababe]

I'm more confused than ever now thanks guys! The thing is this guy told me he is in college in a different country, he's going on a foreign holiday this weekend and going back to college a week after that so I kinda understand why he hasn't been in contact but he is local so I will have to bump into him again. That's why I don't wanna take the chance of looking needy, he's a really attractive guy and could have pretty much anyone he wanted.

It wasn't like we were both really drunk and just kissed eachother. We had met the weekend before and we flirted and he gave me a hug before I had to leave we were supposed to meet up again later but I didn't end up going to the same club. Anyway, it all seemed to fall into place that we both happened to be at the same place this weekend and we got chating and got on really well. I just don't get why he bothered asking for my no., do some guys make a collection of no.s they never intend using?

[Closure]

I'd call her too....

 

OK guys - then I have a question for you....

 

You meet a girl at a bar, have fun, talk, laugh, kiss, trade numbers at the end of the night.... and you don't call her. Why not? Or, to phrase it another way, if you were interested in getting to know this girl better, and she kissed you back, so she seems receptive.... why would you not call her after all this?

[Batya33]

At the moment he may have thought he wanted to call you. Things change - he may have met another girl, decided that it was easier just to run into you (since it was the second time, and the first time he didn't ask for your number), or he may have realized he wasn't that interested. These days with cell phones, etc it's easy to ask for a number - no need to get a pen usually. Typically, with few exceptions, a guy who is that interested will make contact at least within a few days after meeting.

 

My advice - stop going to bars every wekeend if you are interested in meeting someone for a long term relationship. It is possible to meet a man in a bar but way more possible to meet someone looking for a relationship through an activity (gym, sports, hiking, community theater, etc) orvolunteer work or at work. And, that way you can meet friends of those people which if it happens in a bar typically means they are drunk or the focus is on partying/getting drunk. Outside of the bar - on a real date - you might find that Mr. Gorgeous and you have nothing in common - at least if you meet through a common positive activity you have that to talk about and not just trading drinking stories.

 

As an aside, Mr. Gorgeous can only have the girls who focus on "Gorgeous" (if that is one of his best qualities) - consider where gorgeous falls on your list of priorities in a man. If you're looking for a trophy guy in the sense that his looks are so great that people will ooh and ahh you might find that in a bar, at least for the short term. I personally wouldn't be attracted to someone beyond the first 2 minutes who was gorgeous unless we had similar values, things in common and could laugh together. What about you?

[usababe]

No it wasn't like that at all, I wasn't even attracted to him when he first started talking to me, then he made me laugh and I started to look at him differently. It's all irrelevant now anyway because I haven't heard anything from him.