Need Advice ASAP

[hope123]

i have been with my b/f for a year and a half. He is older--i am 23 and is 30.

Somehow we started talking about babies just casually and i said 22 is way too young--i dont know how some girls can do it personally at that age...anyway--marriage got brought up and he said he isn't sure if he ever wants to get married-this to me is a real eye-opener b/c sometimes from the way we speak sometimes it seems he is in this for long term and marriage. I know i am too young personally for marriage but i just automatically assume by about 26 or so--i would be married to whoever it was i was in a serious long term relationship with..obviously i am thinking about my b/f in this way if we lasted---i told him i really do not know what to say and i said i do not want to waste my time and be attached to someone who isnt going to change their mind. I feel at 30--you can know whether in general you want to be married at some point in your life. Now I am worried i will wake up at 26 and have wasted my early 20's with this person if this relationship lasts and he just never changed his mind.

It really hurts b/c i feel like he should know that if he loves someone--he can say at some point i would want to be married--when the time is right. I really do not know what to do--stay and believe ok well its only been a year and a half together--too soon to worry about it or take this UNSURE comment from him who is 30 and do not fool myself into thinking his mind will change his in 3 or 4 years.

Then when i said i really do not know what to do about us right now--he said maybe he should rephrase--and he said this isnt his dead set opinion--like he never ever will consider it but he has to be sure and probably would have to live with the person first to see if its a definite good match b/c living with someone definitely changes things. I don't know what to believe right now but i wrote to him saying i dont think we should speak tonight.

[Beyondthesea]

he isn't sure if he ever wants to get married-this to me is a real eye-opener b/c sometimes from the way we speak sometimes it seems he is in this for long term and marriage.

 

Slam on the brakes. If you want to get married, get out of this relationship. He's bluntly telling you that he's not going to commit, and/or that you are not the one for him.

 

Every man who says he isn't ready for marriage/doesn't want to get married will eventually get married...just not to you I'm afraid. I know that's harsh, but I have also been in your situation and wish someone would have told me that sooner! I read it in a book called "He's just not that into you." Read it, and then read "Admit it, you're not that into him either."

 

And at 30 years old? He's pretty old to be saying that he doesn't want to get married. His mind is not going to change.

[friscodj]

Hey hope123-

 

I think the underlying logic of this post is fundamentally flawed. There are more numbers in your posts than a math book...

 

I don't think age is a number. There is so much that goes into someone's age. A lot of it is life experience, wisdom, intellect in different senses such as professionally, emotionally, physically... I have known 22 year-olds more mature than 35-year olds...

 

So my advice to you is toss you preconceived notions about what someone should or shouldn't at X or Y age...

 

On top of this, you're trying to predict the future 3 or 4 years down the road. Weather forecasters can't even predict today's weather with 100% accuracy!

[annie24]

I actually agree with both beyondthesea and frisco. Both have really good points.

 

Did you ask your bf why he doesn't want to get married? Is it that he is against the idea of a piece of paper issued by the state, but he wants to be in a long-term committed relationship with you and have a life together?

 

"I don't know if I want to get married" can be a red flag or not. It depends on why he feels that way.

 

why don't you just ask him if he sees a future with you or not. If he says he doesn't see a future with you, or if he "isn't sure," I would walk. But, that is just me. If he says he does see you in his future, but he is just against the institution of marriage, then that is something you two can discuss.

 

Marriage does have a few important legal benefits. If one of you got hospitalized and maybe in a coma or something, the other would have the right to make medical decisions. You don't have this right if you are just living together.

[NJRon]

I'm with beyondthesea really. Not knowing if you actually want to get married is usually an indicator that they are setting you up for an eventual let down... but can say "Hey, I told you I didn't know whether I wanted to get married." I find it akin to entering a relationship and them saying "They aren't realling looking for committment right now"... yes... that's true.. they aren't looking for committment right now.. and, more than likely, never with you.

 

30 is too old for such a generalization. You should know by that age whether you are looking to get married or not. More likely, when someone says that, they are just unsure whether they want to marry *you*.

[annie24]

I would think that after 1.5 years (in general), you would know whether or not you want to marry a person, or make a life committment.

[hope123]

hey guys--you dont think him changing it helps any? he said if he was going to be married he would have to be completely sure b/c he does not want to be in an unhappy marriage or go through a divorce etc. He said he would want that to be it.

 

He said living with the person before hand is something he thinks should happen. I said--this isnt what you originally told me. He said he sees his brother and sister in law and it just seems so hard with kids etc. All i said was--everything has to be easy?

 

I really dont know what to do. I wasnt even thinking about marriage a week ago.

[NJRon]

Then why are you thinking it now? Are you wishing he would offer some sort of committment? He doesn't seem to be.. he seems evasive. Does that make you want to push for it more?

[hope123]

I already posted why i am worried about it now--i dont want my early 20's gone so fast and then wake up and his view did not change. I know nothing is guaranteed but he just told me he was unsure if he wanted to at all. I wrote him a message saying maybe you are not as serious about me as i once thought b/c i believe someone who is would just say when the time is right as opposed to unsure at all.

 

What do you guys think?

[NJRon]

Well, when he comes back with "You're right... when the time is right then it will happen..." that's the cop-out to look for.

[hope123]

Is that really a cop-out?

 

i personally dont want to get married now but would when time is right.

 

He hasnt written back..i feel so hurt right now.

[NJRon]

Yeah.. it is. Sorry.

 

It's like the "What will be will be" line...

[hope123]

Do other people think that? because i dont think i am copping out when i say it---i do want to get married but not now. I want to when the time is right--when i am done with school, a little older and more mature and able to handle the responsibility of marriage. Or is just a cop out when he says it b/c that is not what he originally said so obviously he wouldn't mean it?

[NJRon]

Ther is a difference between saying "I want to get married to *you* when the time is right" and "When the time is right, I will want to get married"... the missing implied *you*...

[hope123]

I really wouldnt have read into it that way b/c i guess i would assume if someone said i wanna get married when the time is right--they would be talking about their S/0.

 

Is it bad that i confronted him about this and asked questions after a year and a half...somehow it came up and he said that and it really hurt me. I basically wrote to him saying--if you do not see a future with me, how can i be with you? and maybe you just don't want me to be apart of it and arent as serious about me as i once thought and that at your age you still should have some general idea of what you want and who you want for that matter.

 

This is how i felt so i wrote it and sent it. Is this wrong? i am not telling him to change his views b/c atleast he is being honest but now this changes my situation.

[NJRon]

Are you writing that as you speak on this thread?

 

If so.. you need to take a breather.

 

We only give food for thought... as such.. you need to sit back and think.. not just react.

 

When you say that it "somehow came up and he said that it really hurt me" do you mean him? or you?

 

Slow down a bit... deep breaths... you'll get to the bottom of this... he just needs to be more explicit.

[hope123]

i wrote pretty much that and sent it and now i dont think i should speak much to him. I guess i assume that if i love someone and they love me--they should be able to think a litte further ahead and say well if we are still together in this amount of time--i could see a future with you. Am i expecting too much?

[NJRon]

No, I don't think you are expecting too much. I *do* think that *reacting* is bad. Instead.. you should formulate your thoughts and then sleep on them before acting. Especially with something that has resulted from a serious investment in time and effort. See if you feel the same tomorrow. If you feel the same, you will have your answer.

[hope123]

i dont know what i feel--i dont know to walk away or not. And i am sure i will feel just as confused tomorrow.

 

He called me twice--i didnt pick up.

[annie24]

i dont know what i feel--i dont know to walk away or not. And i am sure i will feel just as confused tomorrow.

 

He called me twice--i didnt pick up.

 

I think you should pick up and *talk* to him.

 

I really wouldnt have read into it that way b/c i guess i would assume if someone said i wanna get married when the time is right--they would be talking about their S/0.

 

yeah... it is an assumption that is incorrect. you really do need to make sure that you are on the same page. After a year and a half together, I think you have earned the right to ask, "do you see us together in the long term?" That isn't saying, "I want to get married now!" that's just a pretty basic question, to see if he is committed to you or not.

[NJRon]

While I normally agree with Annie as far as her advice goes.. I do think you should only answer the phone if you are going to tell him that you will talk to him TOMORROW.

 

Do *not* seriously talk to him tonight. You are worked up and it will not be a good conversation.

[annie24]

ah - good point.

 

if you are worked up or upset right now, it isn't a good time to have a conversation. better to wait when you are a bit more clearheaded and less confused.

[Jayar]

Honestly if the guy isn't making it VERY clear he's crazy about you early on, and by about a year thinking about picking rings, don't waste time. There's no reason to be in these stupid long term monogamous relationships for 5+ years without that ring. Imagine if you did that with every guy?! You could be 90 before you get a ring!

 

I was with my ex for 2.5 years. After being left in the lurch (and subsequently finding out that his own self-proclaimed love waited for 5 years) I decided that if he hasn't at least tested the waters on proposing after a year of being exclusive, it's NEXT!!!

 

I'm not gonna be one of those women in a 10+ year relationship waiting every holiday for that stupid ring... You shouldn't either.

 

Edited to add:

 

IMO a relationship should go like this; He courts you like crazy, then HE asks YOU to be exclusive. You are crazy about him, so you agree. At about a year he should be sorta testing the waters with things like "you know so-and-so just got engaged..." or stopping to look at rings in the store. If he isn't then I PERSONALLY will (from now on, having learned my lesson) say "I think we need some time apart, I'm not sure of where this relationship is going... I love you but it doesn't seem like you have the future in mind." This will either light a fire under his butt, or he'll just figure I was ready to move on. If the latter, well he wasn't into me and I'm glad I found out after one year instead of 4 or 5.

[hope123]

Jayar--how can you be so sure about marriage with someone after only a year?

 

In my opinion--you have to date a little longer than that to know for sure.

 

I spoke with my b/f today and this is what he said--basically in the beginning he was like are you still upset and we got into the convo and said he can not swear either way--he can't swear that yes in 5 years i wanna be married and he cant swear that he doesnt want to be. He said he is not against it and is not one of those guys who says no not for me. He says the way things are with us now--would u even want to be married the way we are--(at one point we were fighting a lot and i do have trust issues etc. Things have improved lately.) And then he said honestly--the way things are now--he would never consider it right now. (which is fine with me b/c i do not want to be married now)

I then asked do you really think your feelings can magically change in 3 or 4 years from now? he did not answer right away and said feelings change all the time and he says if he is going to get married he has to be 99% sure about the person and make sure the relationship is strong and going the way he feels it should be going.

He said shouldnt the relationship just run its natural course and lead to that if its going to happen. He also said so far there has not been anything that has made him think--i can do this forever.

[annie24]

hope123 - I think that after the age of 25, 1-2 years is enough time to know if you want to be with someone forever or not. i know many people (my parents included!) who made the decision after much less than a year of dating. My parents knew each other for 6 weeks! then again, my dad was 48 and my mom was 36, and they both knew what they wanted and when they found it, they weren't going to let it slip away.

 

As for your boyfriend.... I find it worrisome. He seems to be evading your question. It isn't sounding like he is saying, "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

 

I have seen many men who tell their gfs that they are "not ready for a committment", only for those men to break up with their gfs and get married 6 months later!

 

said he can not swear either way--he can't swear that yes in 5 years i wanna be married and he cant swear that he doesnt want to be.

 

see.... this is the equivalent of him saying, "I don't know if a meteor will hit the earth tomorrow or not. anything can happen." He is acting like you are asking him to predict a hurricane or a tornado, when you are really asking him a very reasonable question - which is do you see yourself marrying me someday?

 

I don't know... this situation doesn't sound good....

 

I agree with whoever it was here who said, if you want to get married someday, you should drop this guy and find someone new.

 

He said shouldnt the relationship just run its natural course and lead to that if its going to happen.

 

again, it's like he is talking about a storm or something... you don't just "let the relationship run its course" and accidentally wind up getting married one day. it's something that requires talking and planning. I think that after 1.5 years, you have hit a natural.... I guess.... fork in the road, where you need to figure out if he knows for sure that you are the one, or if he can live without you.

 

how long does he want you to "wait it out?" Until you have been dating for 10 years without a ring?