Need Advice ASAP

[annie24]

PS - if you don't already have it, go out and get the book, "He's just not that into you." Here is an excerpt from the chapter "He's just not that into you if he doesnt want to marry you: Love cures commitment-phobia."

 

Before you enter into the sociopolitical-anthropological debate about marriage as an antiquated financial contract, blah blah blah, ask yourself some very serious questions. Questions that only you can answer in your most sane, clear-headed of moments:

 

Do you feel truly loved?

 

Do you feel he is deeply committed to you?

 

Do you feel he has any doubts about wanting to build a life with you?

 

If the answers to these questions are yes, yes, no, then let the debating begin, because he might have a point. But if you feel that he's always holding something back, or that you're spending a lot of energy trying to change yourself into something you think will make him happier, then divorce yourself from him and move on. don't let him make you feel stupid about wanting to be love.

[hope123]

I believe he does love me and is committed to me.

 

My friend said he does have a point--we were fighting a lot at one point where we almost broke up..things have improved lately with effort..like about a month so far.

My friend said if a year from now--which would be 2 and a half years into the relationship--and things remain improved and progressed--and he still feels the same way--"unsure" about doing this forever--then its time to leave b/c then what else needs to be improved at that point? She said i should work on the relationship first and then see what he says.

[annie24]

what do you feel comfortable with? do you feel that 1 year is a reasonable amount of time?

[hope123]

I feel like things were different in my parents time--most people got married young and you were almost looked upon as weird if you didn't. My father said the same thing--and now times have changed..i think a year is not enough time with someone to say--i wanna spend the rest of my life and this is it...i think the relationship needs time to change..like you go through that honey moon excited phase and then after awhile things become more real--and you notice the flaws and you get angry a little more easily and you show your true self more.

 

I think after a year and a half or 2 years--you should know if you are serious about the person..which i believe he is..and i also think you should know its a possibility to lead to marriage...i just dont know if i should start running because of what he said initally or take it as maturity--when he says if he gets married--he wants to be 99% sure b/c he would want that one to be it and he does not want to go through a miserable marriage--a lot of fights as some married couples are apart of. The way him and I are now..honestly..we probably would not have a happy marriage..things are starting to improve with us...i am really ready to tell him though--that if things continue to improve and progress and say a year from now--you still do not see anything here that you would want forever--its not meant to be. And at that point it would be 2 and half years which i think is a decent amount of time to make a decision if the relationship improved(which would not set me back that badly b/c its not like its 6 or 7)

 

What do you think? Am i not thinking appropriately?

[annie24]

well, it really depends from person to person. I know people that have known each other for a short amount of time and they got married and it worked out, and people that dated for years before marrying, and still got divorced.

 

I think you need to do what feels right for you. I think what you are saying sounds fairly reasonable. if you are together a year from now and things go well, that means you will have been together for 2.5 years, and by then, he should have collected enough information to know for sure if he wants to marry you or not, and you will have enough information also to know if you want to marry him or not.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, so don't let him make you feel stupid or "rushing things" because you are not.

[hope123]

I also think is reasonable b/c its not an ultimatum--its a fair thing-- a year can go by fast--and with improvements made and continued during that year-2 and a half years is enough time to know that you found qualities or found something you want forever. And if he still feels unsure...atleast it was only 2 and a half years of a relationship i can look back on as opposed to something that was 6 years

[annie24]

yeah, i definitely think what you are proposing is reasonable.

 

do you think if by next september, he still doesn't want to marry, will you be ready to walk away from him?

[hope123]

i think it will be very very hard. Thinking about it now makes me upset. But i'm sure all my family and friends will agree that he should know at that point that the possibility is there. With them supporting me--hopefully i will be able to do it.

[hope123]

I told my b/f what i thought--about if he still feels the same way 9months to a year from now with improvements trying to be made throughout....we need to say goodbye b/c i doubt he will ever feel that way then.

 

He said it sounds reasonable and he can understand me getting upset b/c i do not want to waste time...when i mentioned his words were harsh--there is nothing here that made me think this could be forever--he said he didnt mean it like there was nothing i liked about us or thought was good...he said yes its an up in the air answer but thats where he is at this point.

 

I asked him if was b/c of the fighting that he felt this way about us and he said yes of course this is part of it. He says sometimes he feels really scrutinized by me. And then he said if you are asking me for a life long committment now--i have to say no--he said he cant trust the changes that have been done and only have occurred over the past few months..he says its not long enough.(not meaning the relationship but the changes that needed to be done)

I asked him if it wasnt for the fighting or the trust problem i have, would you feel different and he said yes.

Do you think its a good thing what i did? If changes are made and trying the best we could and he still feels the same way--then i know for sure 9 months from now or a year its time to move on and i would still be at a age where i dont have to regret so much time lost.

 

what do you think? Please help

[annie24]

do you feel that what you said to him was reasonable?

[hope123]

i definitely think its reasonable..b/c i am not saying DECIDE NOW OR ELSE...i'm saying as the improvements continue you should be able to tell me something different and if not..its not meant to be b/c at that point you probably never will.

[hope123]

Do you think its good i did this...i did not want to just let all this go and be looked upon as this needy girl with marriage in her head..i want him to view me as serious when i say i dont want it now but after things improve you should feel a certain way about me or a little more sure and if not..you probably never will and its time to part ways.

[hope123]

Now i have a question since you guys know more details about the relationship etc.

 

Do you think he is against it completely and just does not see it in his life..or he is one of those guys that does not have it planned for him like oh i see myself married at 35 but more along the lines if i am with someone and in a strong relationship and we get along then its a possibility.

 

This is the sense i was getting from him after further discussing it as opposed to hearing that comment on sunday.

[NJRon]

I think the point made was, if *you* feel comfortable with your decision, then you made the right decision for you and there's no need for us to validate that because it may or may not be the same decision any one of us would have made in the same situation... it's *your* life and you are in the best place to make your own decisions concerning it.

 

The point is that you made a decision, on your own, that you are both comfortable with him.

 

As for his stance, I think he is quite clear in his indecision. While you can sometimes read into indecision, sometimes it just is. There's really no need to ask or worry about it. Merely to try and see if you two can have as good a relationship as possible and then reevaluate when your time-limit is hit. Wondering is not going to help your relatrionship... and could undermine it. Hence the benefit of setting a boundary and then letting go.

[caro33]

Given the conversations we've all had with you in the past about the trust issues you had, and given the seriousness of those circumstances, it would seem natural that he is unsure at this point.

 

That doesn't mean it's too late, and from what you've said, it sounds like it isn't. I think you've done the right thing, and the issue from here on is to be true to your word to trust him more, scrutinise him less and seriously work on the trust issues within yourself. Then re-evaluate in good faith several months from now.

 

Once again though, none of us have any idea what's going on in his head. But generally when someone says they don't know they probably don't. I have to assume he's being honest with you. From everything you've posted before he sounds like a decent bloke.

[hope123]

hey guys,

 

First i wanna thank everyone for responding.

 

I have let it go after saying what i had to say and have been working on these changes or continuing anyway. But if something is seriously bothering my i will not keep quiet..i will just learn to pick my battles i guess.

 

Anyway--i still sometimes get sad and also scared.

I hope he is not giving me the run around and just using the fights as an excuse and he is actually just feeling unsure in general about me or about marriage. It was weird from the way he would speak in the past...like we would be watching tv and one episode was a couple arguing about kids and he would be like you are having 3 in a joking way or he had his wife beater off and he playfully hitting me saying see--wife--beater..little things like that may not mean much by why even say it you know? i guess the combinations of all those little things just made me assume he would one day want to.

 

But i guess in any event--i am young and maybe its worth taking this chance and see what happens within the next year--and it wont be like i am 30 years old starting if it ends.

[whoops]

i was told through 4 yrs from him he wanted to marry when the time came he has gone running scared - he is 32 - is it me or is it marriage he gave excuses re marriage not working with some of his firends etch - i never wanted to but now do so i ask your reckon he just dont wannna marry me!

[hope123]

Hi guys

 

remember when i said i was kind of surprised about that whole convo with my b/f regarding marriage. Here is another example--the things that he says that now i don't take seriously at this point.

 

He was joking around kind of but i think he does think this--that flowers are stupid--having to spend $80 on flowers to show you care is stupid etc etc..of course i say well girls love flowers and i guess its a way to make us feel special..He has given me beautiful roses in the past for my b-day and valentine's day..and now he jokes around like oh those days are done, no more...but honestly i know when valentines day comes around--i doubt he would not get me flowers..anyway i say in return--i don't think so..you can't give one year and then not give the next and blah blah and he continues saying no those days are over and then says you can have roses on your wedding day---and that probably seems casual and a joke but to me its like--what do i say to that? i wanted to say in a joking way oh so you know the guy i will be marrying? i wish i did just to joke around but i didnt and just asked him something else when he made that comment..I know that comment probably meant NOTHING but these are the types of things that come up and sounds confusing me at this point. But now i know not even to take it seriously. What do you guys think?

[Juliana]

You want to know what I think? I think it doesn't matter what he wants. I think he casually tosses out the words "wife" and "marriage" to keep you playing along....and then warns you, "those days are done," to keep you from getting your heart set on something he may not want.

 

It really only matters what you want. If you've always known that you need to be married in order to be happy, then you need to give him a big smile in one year and say, "Baby, I appreciate all the wonderful times we've had together. You're a wonderful guy. I hope you find someone else, now that I'm going." Because what the other poster said was right; you do not have years to waste while this guy figures out if he's found relationship zen, or whatever it is he's looking for; if you want to have kids, you only have a certain amount of time to find someone to marry, and then get pregnant. The clock is ticking, and if he can't hear it, that's his problem. It is your problem; no need to get mad at him if he doesn't want the same thing, but if you know what you want, you have to be honest with yourself.

[Beyondthesea]

You want to know what I think? I think it doesn't matter what he wants. I think he casually tosses out the words "wife" and "marriage" to keep you playing along....and then warns you, "those days are done," to keep you from getting your heart set on something he may not want.

 

Sadly I completely agree. I also dated someone like this, for about 4 years! Finally I had enough. Then when I walked he wanted to get married. So we got back together, then that all disappeared and he told me not to pressure him. So we dated another year, I walked again. Then he came back with an engagement ring.

 

Then i told him to beat it. He had his years of chances! I'm so glad it turned out the way it did!

[hope123]

Hey--looking back at this post..i get a little angry..still wondering if i am giving him too much of a chance and if i am being a fool. But i guess it would not hurt to give another year with improvements and the best i could make of the relationship and then if he still feels the same--then atleast i wont have any regrets of what if.

 

Write back.

[Batya33]

I already posted why i am worried about it now--i dont want my early 20's gone so fast and then wake up and his view did not change. I know nothing is guaranteed but he just told me he was unsure if he wanted to at all. I wrote him a message saying maybe you are not as serious about me as i once thought b/c i believe someone who is would just say when the time is right as opposed to unsure at all.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I would never discuss such a serious topic on e-mail. In person only - maybe by phone if an emergency. Also, not sure where you got the idea that just because you're in a serious long term relationship with someone in your mid-20s that is automatically the person you'll marry. It depends on many things including whether you both have the same intentions about marriage and whether and to what extent you've discussed all the details.

[hope123]

what are you talking about? are you talking about sending this to him through e-mail? b/c that has never happened...are you talking about posting it here for discussion? i thought that is what this place is for....

[hope123]

ohhh--that was one text message sent b/c i was just too upset to talk at that moment..later on it was discussed

[Batya33]

what are you talking about? are you talking about sending this to him through e-mail? b/c that has never happened...are you talking about posting it here for discussion? i thought that is what this place is for....

 

I thought you mentioned you were going to email him about this issue.