Need advice re my wife's bizarre behaviour PLEASE?

[ozomega]

Thanks for the advice Maasikus.

She is 25 and I am just over a decade older.

 

We first met 5 years ago, started getting serious 3 years ago and we've been married for just 18 months. Things cooled immediately prior to the marriage and I was hoping it was just pre-marriage jitters and she would settle down after the marriage. She led me to believe that was the case - she said she was just nervous I might change my mind and not go through with the marriage, and promised that things would get better again after we were husband and wife. Things didn't get better-she's grown more distant over time and now I hardly recognise her as the lively, passionate person I fell in love with. She is now a totally cold fish.

 

Yes I can think of a reason she's still married to me whilst she's almost openly cheating. She's relying on my support and I now believe she is using me as a 'cover' for her family who are strict Muslims and who (I think) were pressuring her to settle down and marry to 'keep up appearances.' I think her wayward ways were an embarrassment to her parents too. As far as her family know she has now settled down and is happily married. That's all I want to say about that.

 

I think you are right-my wife believes I will take her back no matter what. She is in for a big surprise.

 

When she finally turns up (there's been NC for 4 days now) I'm going to tell her straight-I've been doing some serious thinking during her latest unexplained disappearance and I've realised this relationship is going nowhere. Although I'm still a relatively young man I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste my time with someone who isn't fully committed to me or to our relationship. I want out so I can be free to one day find someone who would really appreciate me. But unlike her I don't want to cheat. I don't want 'a bit on the side' or 'a bet each way.' To cheat would breach my principles and it wouldn't be fair to the next person I met, because I'm after someone who wants a serious committed relationship, not just a no-strings fling.

 

I want to start a new family and have a happy life. I'm going to tell her I want to formally separate from her and to file for divorce as soon as possible, and then we will both have our "freedom" and won't have to see each other any more. The relationship is obviously not making either of us happy, neither of us are getting all our needs met in the relationship, although she is getting some of her needs met by me and others outside of our relationship. I meanwhile have all the responsibilities and none of the benefits of being married to my wife.

 

And if a separation/divorce embarrasses her with her family or creates difficulties for her in other areas of her life that's just too bad - it's the consequence of her decision to withhold her affection from me, of refusing to communicate and of doing her unexplained disappearing acts. It's time to draw a clear line and stick to it.

 

That's if I ever hear from her again - still heard nothing after 4 days, I would've thought she'd be at least wondering what had happened to me by now...???

[Rabican]

hey ozo, sounds like you got it figured out for the most part... just make sure you stick to your guns when she finally crawls out from under whatever rock shes hiding under.

 

She just showed you who she really is, you deserve better.

[vesper]

Ozomega, look I am sorry that this is happening to you. It sounds very painful. She maybe wondering if the grass is greener on the outside and she may not realize that she may regret if she loses her husband, that is you. Take Care .

 

B

[vesper]

oh, and I am sure that your wife loves you to bits.....

[vesper]

how you doing OZ? NC going OK???

[ozomega]

OH MY GOODNESS!!! SHE BLINKED FIRST!

 

I just received an sms from my wife.

 

She said, "Gud NITE N hav gud weekend!"

 

The temptation to reply is very strong, but that would break NC.

 

What should I do? Need urgent advice guys!

 

Do I reply (after an appropriate interval) and maintain LC, or have I got her where I want her? If I reply will I be back to square one or is this an opportunity to re-stablish dialogue? At least I know she's OK...

thinking and wondering about me?

[maasikus]

No, I think replying is a bad idea. If you do, she will assume that everything is okay.

 

When she gets back, she might tell she wanted the space and thats why she left...but don't accept that as an apology. You needed to know where she was going and why, not a last minute, "See u on Monday" walkoff!!!

 

Stay strong Oz. We are all there for u...

[maasikus]

I think she was still young when she met you and married you. So not sure how serious she thought the marriage was. Do you think she prolly wanted to escape from her parents' and thought marriage was a way out?

 

You, on the other hand, were ready to settle down in a committed caring relationship. Have you guys talked about what you both want from the relationship? Where you see it going in the next 5 years?

[ozomega]

I think she was still young when she met you and married you. So not sure how serious she thought the marriage was. Do you think she prolly wanted to escape from her parents' and thought marriage was a way out?

 

You, on the other hand, were ready to settle down in a committed caring relationship. Have you guys talked about what you both want from the relationship? Where you see it going in the next 5 years?

 

Thanks Maasikus, no harm in leaving it a bit to make her sweat anyway...

Yep I've talked to her about the "where do you want to be in 5 years" thing.

 

She just says we could be dead tomorrow and she doesn't want to think about it!

 

On a more positive note I sent an SMS to a very ex-girlfriend instead.

She replied almost straight away and asked me how's my love life!?

 

We've now sent about 5 or 6 SMS's back and forth she says she's been

concentrating on work and doesn't have anyone special at the moment.

I'm gonna be honest with her and tell her what's happened, no harm in

re-establishing a friendship with her I guess. If my wife and I end up getting divorced sometime down the track who knows where it might lead? For now it will be nice just to have a female friend to communicate with who's happy to hear from me.

[ozomega]

I broke NC!

 

I gave it much thought and as I still hope to try to salvage things with my wife I eventually responded (after a 2 hour wait) with a simple "U2" reply.

 

At least I don't look completely rude and I'm rewarding my wife for sending me a pleasant "good night have a good weekend" message. She knows I'm still here but hopefully she's had a taste of what things would really be like if I was gone permanently from her life. She would'v been having some serious thoughts I'm sure in the days/hours leading up to sending me that message. A 2 hour delay responding, followed by a simple "u2" says I'm still willing to communicate, but I'm not going to chase her. So now I'm in LC mode - I will respond (eventually) to contact initiated by her, but I won't initiate contact. We'll see if her attitude has improved any on Monday-If she turns up.

 

Hope I haven't let you down guys. I gave this a lot of thought, and I still feel more in control. It's never too late to resume NC, and it leaves me room to 'up the ante' from LC to NC in the future if I have to.

[Rabican]

she will get an idea of what its like not to have you when she comes home and you say, grab your stuff and go stay at a hotel, when you are ready to throw away your boyfriend and your second life, and try to make ammends with me, then we can talk. I wouldnt settle for anything less. She just walked all over you for the past several days/ weeks and you think letting her sms message wait is going to fix the problem? Hold firm, you know whats acceptable to you in a relationship, and this isnt it bro. If your gonna let her back, make sure you see things changing. Dont just say, oh ok ill forget this little escapade until the next time you do it.

[maasikus]

she will get an idea of what its like not to have you when she comes home and you say, grab your stuff and go stay at a hotel, when you are ready to throw away your boyfriend and your second life, and try to make ammends with me, then we can talk. I wouldnt settle for anything less. She just walked all over you for the past several days/ weeks and you think letting her sms message wait is going to fix the problem? Hold firm, you know whats acceptable to you in a relationship, and this isnt it bro. If your gonna let her back, make sure you see things changing. Dont just say, oh ok ill forget this little escapade until the next time you do it.

 

Well said!

[annie24]

she will get an idea of what its like not to have you when she comes home and you say, grab your stuff and go stay at a hotel, when you are ready to throw away your boyfriend and your second life, and try to make ammends with me, then we can talk. I wouldnt settle for anything less. She just walked all over you for the past several days/ weeks and you think letting her sms message wait is going to fix the problem? Hold firm, you know whats acceptable to you in a relationship, and this isnt it bro. If your gonna let her back, make sure you see things changing. Dont just say, oh ok ill forget this little escapade until the next time you do it.

 

YES!

 

And I think you should have answered her text like, "where the hell are you!?!?!?"

[DBL]

She is probably sleeping with someone else. I wouldn't tolerate what you are going through. If I can't trust a girl, then she has to go..there are no second chances. I would tell her drop the top or get out. Don't let her walk on you like that.

 

DBL

 

I said the above the first day you mentioned it. Why you chose not to listen is beyond me. Cheaters are easy to spot, change of habits is a sure sign things are going bad. And behavior she exhibited was very strange and I glad I was right and the others that try to tell you it could be something else were wrong. I'm a realist, I don't believe in excuses.

 

We could of ended this thread days ago instead of draggoing it on through 9 plus pages.

 

DBL

[MollyElise]

Soooo.... did she come home? What did you say? Where was she? What happened?

 

I have been lurking on your post and was thinking about your situation over the weekend.

 

All I know, is you deserve better than this.

 

Good luck!

[texami]

Ditto, Molly! Wondering how the Monday return went...

[ozomega]

Hi guys sorry I didn't post yesterday. Was too caught up in developments.

 

The Monday return... no problem with not taking the top off.

But she was very cold and there was hardly any communication,

no response even to things I said such as, "How's things" and "How was your weekend?"

Only a stony silence.

I said, "You know I find it very rude not to answer someone when they're talking

to you. If something's on your mind you know you can talk to me about it."

She said, "I'm OK, ALRIGHT??!!"

 

I told her she had to start coming home every night or it was over.

 

She said she would think about it and let me know her decision.

I said, "No I need your decision now."

She walked out saying "I can't sleep here OK."

 

I texted her last night saying "OK I respect your decision, it's over."

Never got a reply to that sms.

 

This morning I texted her saying, "When can you come home to talk? Yr stuff is still here, u stil hav the keys & I stil hav2 pay 4 this place. We stil hav things we need 2 talk about. I wil respect yr wishes. When can you come home to talk about this?" (BTW I'd moved her stuff back in before she got home on Monday morning.)

 

She responded, "I CU 2MORROW MORNING! Hav a gud day."

 

I've also made it very clear that we are separated now and I accept that it's over. I've told her that if she is not happy with me and doesn't want to stay with her husband any more I respect her wishes and that's fine with me.

 

And it really is fine with me now.

 

I felt sad last night. But I feel a lot better now. Now I've accepted it's definitely over I can move on with my life and I'm envisioning my future without her being a part of it.

 

Tomorrow morning I will be a completely different guy.

I've accepted it's over and I don't think I'd want my wife to come back even now if she said she'd decided to.

 

My horoscope (not that I believe in them!) said "you will get what you wish for but only once you've completely given up on ever getting it." Well I have completely given up on a good relationship with my wife. And I'm not even sure what I'm wishing for now-just a happy life and a good relationship I guess.

 

I'll be sure to post the results of Wednesday morning's return on this thread...

 

Does anyone think it strange that the text message "I CU 2MORROW MORNING! Hav a gud day" sounded quite positive? Why wish me "a gud day" after what's happened? Is she being sarcastic or is she already having second thoughts?

[annie24]

you know, I am concerned that so much communication that goes on between you two is through texting. I don't want to sound harsh, but it is such an immature method of communication between 2 married people, especially about serious topics. i've always thought that texting was supposed to be only for communications like, "how's your day going?" and "I'm still in the meeting, I'll be home 30 minutes late." now when you are discussing serious topics, you don't know whether she is being sincere or sarcastic through the text messages.

 

anyways, I think it's time to see a divorce lawyer now. ask them what the next step is and how to get her stuff out of your house.

 

good luck

[DBL]

You really need to toughen up alot.

 

We have/had two things in common. One my wife is about 10 years younger then me, Two she was originally from Australia. When it was over it was over. I didn't ask no questions. Just get out and after the divorce, this never happened. End of story.

 

Where we are different is I wouldn't of taken anything that you wife gave you from my wife or even a girlfriend. All we have is our pride, dignity and word. I don't know about your word, but you threw dignity and pride out the window already.

 

I do think if she came home and said she would be more sensitive to the issue at hand...you would take her back. Even in your post you say you "think" you wouldn't take her back, but then say it is "difinitely over". It doesn't matter now if she wants to take her shirt off of not. That point is long gone by now. You said tomorrow you will be a different guy, that you are over it.

 

It it was me. First thing I do is find out who she is sleepign with. Pack her stuff in some garbage bags, and throw her stuff in front of that door. Then change the locks. For more fun I would call her family members and explain to them how you will be getting a divorce from their daughter because she has been sleeping with other guys. I'm not all that sympathetic when it comes to infedelity, so whatever part of their life I can destroy I will. Whether it's their job, future relationships, family...I will sleep well at night.

 

As for this:

Does anyone think it strange that the text message "I CU 2MORROW MORNING! Hav a gud day" sounded quite positive? Why wish me "a gud day" after what's happened? Is she being sarcastic or is she already having second thoughts?

No I don't think it is strange. 99% of people try to analyze and end up over analyzing everything. Just get it over with and stop trying to find a reason to work this thing out. She disrespected you, stepped on you, and hurt you, but you are still trying to analyze that she is a good person.

 

DBL

[ozomega]

Well said DBL, re the 'self respect and dignity' part of your post. I will not allow her to take my self-respect and dignity again.

 

I don't agree with the 'throwing her stuff out' part or trying to wreck her relationship with her family members or of 'stalking' her boyfriend. I've always tried to live by the maxim "first do no harm." You talk of self-respect and dignity. There's not much self-respect or dignity in contacting her family and bitterly bad-mouthing her, or angrily throwing her things in the rubbish. THAT would make me feel childish and immature, and may even retrospectively justify the way she treated me. I do not believe those would be the actions of a mature individual.

 

Whatever happens now I want the least amount of blame to attach to myself.

So long as I have regained my self-respect and dignity, as you said, that is the most important thing.

 

I believe that my wife's actions will speak for themselves and her family probably know her a lot better than I do and know what she's like already. She doesn't get on with her family anyway, she is regarded as something of a "black sheep." They probably despair of her like I do. I am sure they will have a pretty good idea of why we have separated without me having to lower myself in their eyes by bad-mouthing her to them.

 

Anyway, I really will be a completely different guy today.

And I will post the results of today's homecoming on this thread for anyone who's still interested in hearing the conclusion of this saga. And judging by some of the posts there are at least a couple of people who are still following this saga and are interested in knowing what happens...

[DBL]

Well said DBL, re the 'self respect and dignity' part of your post. I will not allow her to take my self-respect and dignity again.

 

I don't agree with the 'throwing her stuff out' part or trying to wreck her relationship with her family members or of 'stalking' her boyfriend. I've always tried to live by the maxim "first do no harm." You talk of self-respect and dignity. There's not much self-respect or dignity in contacting her family and bitterly bad-mouthing her, or angrily throwing her things in the rubbish. THAT would make me feel childish and immature, and may even retrospectively justify the way she treated me. I do not believe those would be the actions of a mature individual.

 

First it is not stalking finding out where you wife is going to get a piece. Stalking is following them around and stuff. Your just trying to find a location.

 

Second you can throw her stuff out and still have pride and dignity. Keeping it for her to pick up at her liesure shows no backbone. Shows you can't take charge of the situation.

 

Third...contacting her family to tell them there daughter is a pig would be a lot of fun. That would be more for my enterainment value.

 

I don't have any mercy for anyone that has betrayed me in trust or friendship, etc. Nothing is fair when it comes to love and war.

 

You do what you have to do, in the end you may rethink what I say and understand why I would do what I say. For now you are just fragile and confused. She hasn't shown you an ounce of respect, there is no doubt in my mind that if she can hurt you more that she would.

 

Good Luck

DBL

[Aurian]

Or simply give her a timeline to pick up her stuff, then throw it out. You need to move on, and its harder to do that if you have extra reminders of her all over the house. A timeline is fair for both of you.

 

If the relationship is over, I think it would be a waste of time to stalk her and torture yourself with her relationship. Just do your best to put it out of your mind and heal.

 

Telling her family would be pointless really. Family usually stick with family.

[ozomega]

Yes Aurian, I agree.

 

Totally pointless to stalk her or try to find out where her boyfriend is if the relationship is over anyway.

And family do tend to stick with family-if I phoned them and told them "your daughter is a pig, she's done this that and the other to me" it will only make me look like an unpleasant, vindictive individual for saying those things about her. And who want to live with someone like that? Better to say nothing and they can believe whatever she tells them. The truth always comes out eventually anyway.

 

She came home for about 40 minutes today and she had a shower and said "con you have a shower too?" and then we were intimate.

 

She paid her half of the rent.

 

I asked her if she was coming back and she said, "No. I only have 4 weeks left until I'm going overseas and I don't want to spend that time here." I asked her why she was paying the rent if we were not living together anymore and she said, "Because I keep my promises." (then, more quietly, she added) "..not like you."

 

I found this totally bizarre and I reminded her that I'd kept every commitment I'd ever made to her. Then I started to list all the commitments I'd made to her that I'd kept, and to list all the solemn promises she had made to me over the years-and how she'd broken them one by one. She waved her hand at me and said, "Stop. We don't need to talk about all that stuff. It's in the past!"

 

I told her the relationship was over and she said, "that's up to you. There's nothing I can do about it."

 

I said, "No-I gave you a choice and you chose to leave and end the relationship. It's a consequence of you not staying here with me any more that our relationship is over! You still have a choice-I don't. You could still come back to stay with your husband if you choose to. If you're not staying here any more I have no choice but to move on with my life."

 

She left saying, "OK." She said she will continue to pay her half of the rent until she goes overseas and she will come home twice a week to see me til then.

 

Perhaps in her mind she is still doing her duty to me, but she must have a very twisted sense of her wifely duties if she thinks it only extends to coming home and bonking me twice a week and paying her half of the rent!

 

So this 'relationship' is definitely over. I must admit I was surprised when she came home and offered me sex and paid her half of the rent. Perhaps I should've turned her down, but being a man and her being so hot it's pretty hard to refuse. And I thought at the time it might be a prelude to her coming back home to stay with me. Maybe DBL is right, when it comes to my wife I've shown no backbone and I'm fragile and confused?

[melrich]

I certainly would not be letting her return. She needs a reality check. Change the locks and kick her out.

[texami]

yeah, oz... i think her bull * * * * replies to real life questions show how immature and unwilling she is. drop the whole thing... you have evidence that she left (and is leaving) you... claim irreconcileable differences or abandonment and get a good lawyer.

 

also, i agree with annie24... this texting your life and death relationship issues is crazy!!! you allow her to hide, and at the same time allow yourself not to stand up to her. quit the texting, too. adults speak to each other.

 

wow... somewhat of a terse tone from me!! but, it is really just because you have (admirably) given her every possible concession, and now it is time to be brave and respect yourself for once. best wishes...