How to do NC?

[sillygurl]

What is the best way to initiate NC? I feel that telling my ex "I'm not going to contact you" would sound all dramatic...or pathetic...and if I'm doing it for myself, telling him sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

 

I don't want start some big discussion that might guilt him into committing to me if he doesn't want to, but I don't want to hurt his feelings either, which might happen if I disappear w/ out an explanation...we're close friends, I'm close to his family, so I can't just poof into thin air.

 

We have tentative plans for this weekend, but since he hasn't confirmed for fri or sat, and it's already thursday, I feel like I should try and scrape together some respect for myself and just initiate N/C. If he wanted to see me this weekend, he'd have called, actions speak louder than words, right? Right. Now, if I don't call him, he'll eventually call me. WHat is the best way to respond?I'm so confused, hurt and sad that I'm not sure what to do.

 

thanks

[GuitarmanIII]

If you need to impose NC, do so immediately. The longer you wait, the longer it will take for you to begin grieving and getting over your loss. I know from present experieince.

The one thing I've realized/learned in the past month is that NC is not about your X or his family or anyone else for that matter...it's about you. You need to regain control of yourself and be happy. You might want to tell him you need time to yourself or just go CT (cold turkey). I don't know what the plans are, but the weekend will pass.

I'm on day two of NC after having been on for 10 days. I called her yesterday and it was a big mistake...nothing was accomplished by it and I was set back emotionally at least a week.

It is also difficult for your X. I first tried NC about a month ago, but she called insessently for two weeks...demanding to speak to me and I answered...now I wish I hadn't. She was trying to ease her loss of me, even though, in the end, she ended it.

I've been seeking help from other folks here, and they've been very supportive. Hope this helps.

Good luck S,

G

[Scout]

Don't contact him to tell him you're going into No Contact. But if he contacts you again, then I would reply - this one last time - and just let him know you've given things some thought, and at this time feel a friendship between you two is a little too soon. You need time to heal, and also, to focus on some things you want to accomplish for yourself. If he asks how long, tell him you don't know. If he asks will you contact him at some point in the future, again, say you don't know. If he asks should he contact you in the future, you don't really have to reply, other than say, "Again, at this time I don't see a friendship as a good idea between us. I don't want to get into the technicalities because they aren't important, plus, I don't really know what they are, nor do I really care. I need to focus on myself."

 

Keep it gracious...and short. Oh, and most important: mean it.

[sillygurl]

Thanks, both of you!

 

I don't really want to do N/C, but I feel like it's what I should do... we're drifting into being something I'm not comfortable with, kind of like FWB (yuck)...except we've established that we're more than friends, monagamous and not seeing anyone else, but we are NOT committed to one another. Makes no sense at all. Oh and he only has time on the weekends and makes plans with me last minute, (he knows that drives me crazy!!!) a clear sign that he has no respect for me, but then when he does see me, he goes all out and treats me like a queen. How confusing is that?! It feels great when he's around, holding my hand, kissing and hugging me, but as soon as he's not around, and I'm wondering what the heck he thinks about me, it feels terrible!

 

I don't know how to teach him to respect me again, so he'll just keep on taking me for granted... This isn't what I want or need! LC into NC should be a good way to get out before it gets worse, right? I'm trying to figure out a way to bow out quietly, gracefully, before my heart gets any more hurt than it already is. I can start ignoring his calls by telling him via IM I was busy all weekend if he asks what happened (since he didn't bother to confirm the tentative plans we have in less than 24 hours, he obviously doesn't care about them!) but after that, what? How do I slip away? What do I say if his mom asks in one of our daily conversations? Do I say I'm seeing someone else? Do I avoid answering the question? Do I just block/ignore his IMs, emails, calls, txts, etc? Aaargh!

 

I'm grateful to hear any input, advice, or ideas on ANY of this... thank you

[sillygurl]

I feel like such a loser...I called him!!!! ](*,)

 

He didn't answer, (didn't expect him to) I left a message about something I'd hoped to pick up from him before the weekend. God, I feel like such a loser! Why am I so weak and pathetic?!?!

 

Now I hate myself for calling, hate that I'm wondering why he didn't answer, hate that I'm wondering who he's with... oh man. I just want to crawl under a rock...

[sillygurl]

thanks ellie!

 

The NC thing is really hard, isn't it? In two weeks, has he contacted you at all? If so, how did you deal?

 

You're right, I don't know that a friendship is a good idea right now, the only thing I know for sure is that I want him to treat me differently. Since that's not going to happen if things stay the way they are, I need a break from him to re-learn how to be OK with myself alone again. If our dynamic changes, then maybe we can be friends....I like what you said about mending yourself first....I have a lot of mending to do, that is wonderful advice.

 

I've been reading this forum for a few months, there is so much wisdom here!

[sillygurl]

That's such a bummer that he hasn't been in contact either...I'd love it if everyone on here doing N/C got the occasional ego-boosting "I miss you" call! But you're right, he's respecting your wishes, there is something to be said about that.

 

Incidentally, the ex called me back!!!! Yeay!! He sounded confused and a little upset (though the latter could be my imagination) about my message-- like, aren't we going to see each other this weekend? So I just emailed him, a couple of hours later after his message, very light and noncommittal: I said since I hadn't heard from him I figured he'd made other plans. I will NOT see him this weekend, I will be preoccupied having fun and feeling good about myself! (I hope, anyway...) Normally I'd give him a long, drawn out, whiny explanation and drop my plans to see him at his convenience, so I'm making progress, right? I hope so...

 

It probably sounds like a stupid reason to give up on a relationship, but there's a lot more to the very looooooong story, I just don't waant to bore anyone here. His blowing off making plans with me till the last minute is the camel's-back-breaking straw of how little he respects me or my time. It's gotten so bad that I find myself constantly doubting myself, and my worth. We've been back and forth for a few months now, I just don't have the energy to keep holding on and trying to stay positive. Hopefully the great advice on this board will help give me the energy boost I need to stay strong and feel better about myself some day!

[sillygurl]

Hi again Ellie!

 

Thanks for caring... Ug, things are going crappy with the LC/NC. I suck at this! He called again the next day, so I txted him late that night, and I was so proud of myself for being so strong!! I never heard back...it gave me time to ruminate and get angry. I got mad and (CRINGE!) called yesterday afternoon (AM for him) leaving a pissy messages about how I was hurt he blew me off. Then I left another, still mad. Terrible! He called back as soon as he woke up and said that he thought I'd blown him off, but then we talked about our situation and made some non-committal decisions to only see each other for now, and see what the future holds...I know I need to relax, give him space to figure his life out, not pressure him into anything. I also know I need to preoccupy myself with myself & fix the problems in my own life. But what I want to do is hold him and bury my face in that warm place on his neck. Siiigh.

 

I feel guilty saying this though, because in my situation there is hope we'll be together again in the future (even though I don't know if this is what I want) but yours sounds a lot harder! Speaking of which, it sounds like you're having a pretty tough time of it. Are you absolutely sure that you don't want to be together? Is the relationship truly doomed, or is it only the distance that is keeping you apart?

 

You mentioned that you can't alter the distance till next summer, can you not visit each other and speak in person? Email and IM is so impersonal, it's terrible to only be able to communicate with him via either. I want to figure out the best way to be supportive to you, can you tell me more? If not, that's fine too, maybe you can tell me what you need.

[sillygurl]

Ellie, you made me lol! I can give you my insights, but if any 'wisdom' sneaks out, run for the hills. Hee hee!

 

OK, first: it sounds like you two might have had a communication failure. He obviously doesn't "speak" as much as you need to hear from him, so it seems like the distance grew as the communication shrank. Though the discussions might have gotten lengthy, the actual communicating between you appears to have just sort of trickled out. It almost sounds like you're both trying to protect yourselves from getting hurt, so when you pull back, he pulls back more, then you pull back more, and so on. So maybe that's part of the problem right there, that he wanted to protect himself from getting hurt and pulled back in response to your pulling back. What do you think?

 

Here's another thing, you mentioned you both felt guilty at the possibility of interfering with the others' success: "I think he felt somewhat guilty for making me give up my chances at a good job" and "But we almost broke up bc I felt guilty about tying him down" ...but, I wonder if he really felt this way, or if it was what you thought b/c he wasn't in contact as much as you needed, so you made up the answers you couldn't get from him? I'm not insinuating that you have an over-active imagination or anything, just making suggestions based on mistakes I've made. I didn't hear from my ex for a few days and started thinking he was avoiding me, mad at me, whatever, and he was just sick, not avoiding me at all. In fact, he was even planning a surprise getaway for me! I couldn't have been more wrong. (btw, this was yesterday)

 

Remember how I said that my ex and I decided to see each other solely, but not be in a committed relationship? Well, I didn't mention that 5 min. after I got off the phone with him, I started thinking he might have only agreed to that to get off the phone with me, or that he only agreed to avoid telling me that he really wanted nothing to do with me, yada yada. (can you tell I'm very insecure and need constant reassurance, ha ha!) Well I talked to him this morning and said I hadn't meant to badger him, and if he didn't want to see me, he didn't have to, and he was like, no, what are you talking about I like the arrangement very much and was hoping for more actually. So, see? I was totally making up what I didn't know, because I hadn't actually talked to him.

 

Another thing, is it possible that you're not necessarily "incompatible" as much as he's just sick of talking about the relationship? Unless I'm missing something, it doesn't sound, objectively, like it's definitely over as much as the things left unsaid are creating all the problems. I mean, I'm not trying to get your hopes up or add more confusion to your situation, but you did talk about marriage... is he someone you'd want to marry, truly? And if so, are you sure it's really over? It's pretty extreme to go from discussing moving to wherever he needs to live to not speaking at all in a matter of months. A broken heart can force a body to do some pretty extreme things. But then again, I'm not there, only you know what is best for you. And I'm working with a sleep debt, it's hard to be rational when you're sleepy! ;-)

 

It also sounds like you have a lot of variables in front of you, many possibilities for the future. Do you know what you want, truly? I could be wrong, but it seems like you might not know. So, I suggest you get really clear on what it is, EXACTLY, that you want. Picture in your mind where you want to live, how you want your life to play out, how and where you want your next job to be. Once you figure out exactly what you want out of your life, what you want for your future, then start figuring out what you want your husband or boyfriend to act, do, treat you, etc. You can't have what you want until you know exactly what it is. OK, I had a glass of wine and am close to nodding off, so if I'm completely off base, please forgive me--I'll be so embarrassed!! Otherwise, let me know what you think so far, and we'll see what else we can figure out together.

 

 

HUGS!!