No contact?

[StandTall]

I ended things with my GF of 8 months last night. I really do love her, but don't see a future for us. She will not accept it, and has been calling me non-stop. It has now reached the point where the calls are becoming verbally abusive. Do I stop taking her calls? I really am hopeful that we can become friends at some point, but it is looking unlikely if this keeps up. I am leaving for a 1 wk business trip tomorrow which should help.

[NJRon]

Yeah, stop taking her calls. If it keeps up, tell her that if she doesn't stop harassing you, you may be forced to get a restraining order. Forget the friendship...

[StandTall]

A restraining order isn't the answer. She isn't crazy like that, she is just very hurt. I want for both of us to stop hurting each other, and her answer is simply for us to get back together and be good to each other. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I have it in me to do that- It is very sad.

[NJRon]

Have you given her the opportunity to get closure? I mean, have you sat down with her and explained that it is absolutely over and that it takes two to be in a relationship... and without you, she's the only one left in it? Etc... It sounds like you need to be pretty abrupt here and just cut it off entirely. Let her get angry... but don't give in.

[StandTall]

It was actually done by phone as I caught her running an ad on a dating site, and didn't feel I owed her anything in person at that point. I have hurt her, and now she has hurt me. I wanted to see her one last time, but she then changed her mind realizing that it will not get us back together.

[flooglebinder]

Take it from someone who's just had the 'no future' line. It needs to end because if it doesnt now it will in the future and the time between will have been wasted for both of you. I've just wasted another 2.5yrs splitting up, getting her back and splitting up again, a big rollercoaster. NC is the only way forward for us now no matter how much we love each other it will happen time and time again, then another 6 months is lost before you know it.

 

Time is precious.

[Todd S]

I'm one of those people who believes that the "dumper" has the responsibility to deal with the post break-up fallout that generally ensues... People tend to become obsessive after they've been dumped, refuse to face reality, get angry & bitter, and express a whole range of other frustrating emotions that are hard to tolerate.. The truth is that humans are simply going through the gamet of emotions that represent a grieving process... Some get through it quicker than others, but we should never shirk the responsibility that accompanies "dumping" someone... I split up with someone over a year ago, and though the calls are thankfully now few n' far between, she still flips out occasionally and calls me in the middle of the night drunk & abusive....I exercise patience & understanding & she generally sees sense the next day and is hugely apologetic & embarrassed... These incidents used to happen all the time, but the graph is on the downturn... Eventually, she'll find love elsewhere & we'll become friends... In this day & age, people get restraining orders, involve the police, and do whatever it takes to make life easier on themselves, whilst the dumpee is going through a serious life crisis... My opinion is that you take on the responsibility of having to help pick up the pieces from the moment you enter a relationship with someone... Anyone who doesn't see it that way is plainly selfish & un-caring... Being dumped drives people crazy for a while.. The craziness is only temporary, and completely understandable... Your lover is your best friend; when you choose to end a relationship, that is the point where your capacity to be a friend is tested to the ultimate extreme.. An enduring sense of empathy is crucial, whereas turning your back on the situation is plain 'ol superficial...

[rose2summer]

Your story matches mine to a T,

 

"It was actually done by phone as I caught her running an ad on a dating site, and didn't feel I owed her anything in person at that point."

 

That's how it ended with my ex,

 

"I have hurt her, and now she has hurt me. I wanted to see her one last time, but she then changed her mind realizing that it will not get us back together."

 

He kept wanting to see me again and I refused.

 

I dealt with it by just going no contact full-force,

 

I felt that since he had no respect and was out searching for another soul,

 

While with me, he didn't deserve me,

 

Practice the same with your ex, you owe her nothing,

 

She deceived you and was hoping to cheat on you,

 

So let her go, it's her problem, for being immoral,

 

They will go away with time,

 

My ex is still calling some, sending pictures of us to people, but I am learning to just brush it off,

 

Is it annoying? Of course, but we cannot control how our exes react,

 

What we can do though is choose how we act,

 

So no contact, she is hurting and it's her own problem,

 

Not yours. You deserve better!

 

Rose

[Rainz]

Agreed! Couldn't have said it better myself.....if you can't deal with the consequences that come with breaking someone's heart, then don't break it! (I know it's not a cut and dry as that as well).

[NJRon]

It's out of your control what the other person feels. Staying with someone merely because you don't want to hurt them is much more damaging and cowardly than breaking things off.

 

Harassment it is not the price you pay for breaking up with someone. It's the price you pay for brekaing up with someone who has no capability to control their actions. I don't say "I don't want to be with you so I'm going to let you call me incessantly and stand on my lawn every night playing Barry Manilow at full blast"

 

They are free to feel their feelings. You can support them if you wish and, yes, that is the nice and compassionate thing to do. But, when the situation crosses the line and they become harassing... there is no reason you need to put up with it.

[StandTall]

All very helpful advice. I want to show her love and compassion, but she has an "All or none" frame of mind right now. Her last e-mail told me that the love she has for me is there if I want it, and that she will not contact me anymore. I am not sure I believe that, and don't know whether to reply or not. Ugghhhhh.

[rose2summer]

Well, be compassionate, but to someone who is deserving,

 

Not her, she isn't compassionate if she deceived you like that,

 

She is selfish and wants to get what she wants,

 

I would not reply at all, that is leading her on,

 

Let go and move on with your life,

 

You owe her nothing and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING,

 

Dumpers (which she really was by creating the profile),

 

Don't get to call the shots, LET GO.

 

Rose

[Todd S]

Sorry but I don't agree... People do dumb things, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve our compassion... After all, we've all made dumb mistakes in the past with lovers.. Does it mean we didn't love them or deserve their compassion? Nah! Compassion should be afforded to EVERYONE... "let he without sin cast the first stone" and all that jazz...

[StandTall]

I screwed up before she ever did. I was talking to someone online, but would never actually act on it. She caught me, and has tried to forgive me, but never really could. She felt she needed to place an ad and get even, but it just split us further. I never wanted to hurt her, but I feel we are now beyond repair.

[Scout]

Todd, will you be my next dumper?

[kadvati79]

You Americans and your lawyers!

 

I think the courts and police (at least here in NZ) have better things to do that clean up this sort of stuff. I guess after you have tried a number of things and she is STILL "harassing" you, thats when you get a restraining order.

 

I just changed my number.

 

I have people say, "why, you shouldn't have too!" But its just easier. If the person is acting irrationally (aka crazy), then an order from a court is hardly going to stop their behaviour. I am ashamed to say I had a restraining orders issued for me once against someone I had a brief encounter with, and it did absolutely nothing to stop the behaviour just landed the poor guy in court, which he felt very stupid for once his "infatuation" had worn off. Its going to waste everybody's time including the courts and the police in enforcing it. Now the fact she is acting crazy is not your mistake, but you have a role in it... ie... she wouldn't be acting crazy if you didn't dump her.

 

Turn you cellphone off for a week or two. Ignore her messages. I've had plenty of stalkers in my time and the one thing I have learned is that... someone cannot harass you if you don't listen. If she calls, ignore the call. If she texts, ignore the texts. Ring the service provider and have her number barred.

[NJRon]

Just as an FYI.. I did say to tell her that you *may* need to place a restraining order on her if she doesn't cease and desist. I didn't say to actually do it. Sometimes it's a smack in the face to show that you actually think their actions are crossing the line.

 

Be that as it may, I think you have made it clear that she said she won't contact you. I wouldn't contact her at all either. She needs time to grieve and cool off.

 

Don't reply. Just move on. If you don't reply, then there will be no reason for her to "wait" for you. She will come to terms eventually. As for friends down the line, I would probably say don't even think about that right now. The most compassionate thing you can do right now is get out of her life entirely and let her move on. Any contact is going to set her back emotionally.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with Todd S, you should be compassionate about her, considering it was you who hurt her first by talking to someone online first. She was hurt by your actions so put up an ad, and then you dumped her. Shame on you!!!

 

Now that you have caused her all this pain and grief, you are taking on the "holy as thou" attitude as if she is being the crazy one. YOU DUMPED HER. What did you expect her to do, BE HAPPY????? I agree with Todd S, being the dumper, you do have some responsibilities as to how you deal with her and how you treat her. Have some compassion, talk to her, dont shut her out. One day YOU will get dumped and you will realize what it TRULY is like to be on the receiving end. Dont let karma get you.

[StandTall]

I have not been cold to her at all, although she has been pretty abusive towards me on the phone. The more she realizes that I'm not giving in, the meaner she gets. I realize I hurt her originally, and feel horrible about that. I want to be there for her, but not as a punching bag.

[NJRon]

That's because she is trying to bargain and you not giving in flips her to anger. It's totally normal... though not when people persist.

 

Karma may already be getting you... it really has no bearing. You have been treating her compassionately already by allowing her to unleash her anger. Do what's right for her and just stop allowing it. It's hard... and sometimes the hard way is the right way. It's not like you just faded away. You have provided ample opportunity for her to get closure.

 

If you continue to practice compassion then don't foment strife. If she comes back to you with honest questions for her closure, you can provide the answers. But there is no reason to encourage interaction.

 

The only responsibility a dumper really has is to provide closure and allow the other person to get on with their lives. There is no "responsibility" to be a punching bag, emotional crutch or tormentor.

[StandTall]

She called me again last night, and sounded very drunk. She also told me she had taken 3 sleeping pills and I became very concerned. I was about to call 911, but called a mutual friend first to call her. The friend told me that she was alright, and that she had not drank as much as she had protrayed. I lost a lot of respect and compassion for her after she tried to make me think she was harming herself. Her girlfriend and I agreed that the best thing is for me to no longer take her calls- period. It is so sad that things have come to this. I truly hope she heals and can one day forgive me. I was so scared when I thought of anything happening to her.