My Boyfriend's Ex is Pregnant

[ImThatGirl]

Hey There~~~ I'm new here. I have another board I usually post on but I need honest views on a situation I am in. I am well aware that many posts may not be so pleasant. First I'll tell a little about myself.

 

I'm a mother of two wonderful children, never been married, work full time, and finished an associates degree this summer. I am very close with my friends and family and have been single for 3 years.

 

I dated a little in the past few years. Never found anyone that I believed would fit into our little family (my children and I.) I moved to a larger town this summer and decided I was ready to date.

 

J and I both grew up in the same small town. We seen each other often but never talked to each other. We're both shy. We started sending emails to each other in March. I seen him out once; we didn't talk. I seen him out again in July. I finally gained the nerve to ask when we were going to go out.

 

We started dating the next week. After two months of pure happiness, falling in love, allowing him to spend time with my children, he tells me we need to talk. Nooo! Nooooo Talks! I knew it couldn't be good.

 

Last weekend he informed me that his ex girlfriend is pregnant. They "dated" for 4 weeks in April. He thinks he has reason to believe he is not the father. I disagree. He insists that he does not want to be with her. That he wants to be with me and continue to build our relationship. He will provide for his daughter and wants to be a part of his daughters life but knows he and his ex could never work out.

 

I was in the same situation 3 years ago. Pregnant and my daughters father treated me not so good. So I can put myself in her shoes and I feel terrible for her but I am in love with him. I never imagined being able to support and love someone that does something similar to what I went through and hurt so bad. Yet, I just can't walk away.....

 

Please help! Your responses are much appreciated.

 

Thank you in advance.

[RayKay]

Welcome to the forums hon,

 

I am a bit confused - he said he would provide for his daughter and wants to be part of her life (I assume by that he means more than monetarily) yet you do feel he is not taking responsibility?

 

Now, he may or may not have good reason to suspect he may not be the father - and a paternity test may be a good idea in this case, but even if he is the father, it does not mean that he and her should be together. Not all biological parent-couples make the ideal parents for a child.

 

I imagine this is tough on you, from your own experience, and knowing someone else is having his child HOWEVER you should be careful about automatically assuming this is the same as what was done to you, it sounds like he wants to be there for his daughter if she is HIS and that is a lot more than many men or women do.

 

Besides this, is there any other reason you doubt his honesty or commitment to you that makes you wonder about being with him?

[Day_Walker]

Actually you can just walk away, you have only invested 2 months into this relationship. After that short time you are willing to go through a situation that is going to be bad, just because it involves an his ex and her possibly having his child. I say walk away and free yourself from this situation.

[vandgsmom]

Wow. It is hard to be someone so sensible that you can truly see a situation from both sides, huh?

 

People tell you all the time to walk a mile in the other parties shoes, but you have, and it dosen't make things one bit more clear.

 

You are not going to be able to make him go back to her and love her no matter if you break things off with him or not. Life is not perfect, and it is possible that him being with someone like you that will expect him to live up to his responsabilities rather than be an like the man you had to deal with could be the best thing that could happen to his ex.

 

By cutting things off with him at this point you are only hurting yourself. If this situation is too much for you to deal with, then that is another issue all together, but why not let things ride out and see where they go. If nothing else, you can serve as his conscience until he grows one himself...lol

 

Good Luck!

[southerngirl]

Possibly he should have a paternaty test done. Do you know he is mistreating her? He could have good reason to doubt that he is the father, but he tells you that he wants to be there for his unborn child, so there is hope he will be.

 

YOu an him can have a relationship and a very happy one, but you have to accept that he will be a father very soon. Best wishes. Is there any reason that you have to not trust him, other than your past experiances?

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for posting.

 

J said he wanted to tell me. He wanted to wait a couple of weeks so that I wouldn't "judge" him. After that couple of weeks there were several times he wanted to tell me but he didn't want to ruin the good times we were having, or my children were around, and he knows I worry "alot." He knows I've let my guard down with him - something I don't usually do and couldn't bring himself to tell me.

 

We talked alot about specific dates last night and I think it is very likely he is the father. I have no doubt that he will be a wonderful father. One issue is going to be distance. His ex lives 2 hours from where he currently lives. He's thinking about moving closer to work and the town I moved into. Then he'll only be an hour away from her.

 

Day - I know it's only 2 months. And I've weighed the risks. I know it would be easier to just walk away and I'm usually pretty good at that. But I can't walk away from him. Just can't.

 

Vand - I prayed for acceptance, guidance, patience, etc. etc. all day Monday. I was a mess! What I came to was that there is a reason it is me that is in this situation. I could tell him he needs to work things out with her and to get lost but that's not going to change him. I have determined that I can help him to understand from her point of view, understand what she is going through, for him to accept this.

[ImThatGirl]

Southern -

I have fully accepted that he is going to be a father. And that probably means him going there 3 times a week to visit his daughter. At first I just didn't know how I'd handle that. Even though I'd want to be ever supportive I worried that my heart would drop each time due to his ex being there and me not going out of respect.

 

He is going to have a paternity test done immediately.

 

No, I don't think he mistreats her. He rarely see's her (went to Ultrasound Monday) and rarely talks to her on the phone.

 

His reassurance is enough to make me feel at ease. I know I can do this.

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to enotalone!

 

I agree with RayKay on this one. It seems to me that he is in fact willing to stand up and be a father to this baby, if it turns out that he is proven to be the biological parent. That does not mean that he and the mother need to be together- in fact, as you probably know, many parents make better co-parents if they are NOT together.

 

I wonder how much you are transferring the negative experience that happened to you when you were pregnant onto him. Try to remember that these are different people and the situation is not the same, even though some of the circumstances may be similar.

 

I don't see any reason you cannot continue the relationship. He was honest with you about this in a reasonable amount of time (I would not likely have disclosed this right away either... it's one of those "heavy" things that could scare someone off if they didn't get a chance to know him...), and he is spending time with your children by another man.... so it's really not alot different, except that his child has not been born yet.

 

The big question is, how comfortable are you with being involved with this baby if it is his? Are you willing to love and accept the baby as a part of your lives if you decide to stay together? Are you comfortable with that?

[southerngirl]

yes, I think you can do this. Look at it this way, you would want a man that will accept you and your children as a package (least I know I do)... so in turn, this may make you more open to accepting he now comes with a package too.

 

If this is someone he only dated for a short time its possible she wont mind your even being around. It really can be worked out so that the childs best interest is at the heart of it.

[flower99]

I just wanted to say I think you were totally right to pray about this, that was a smart thing to do. And you're right you are in this for a reason & timeing is everything.

Him being there for the child is awesome, but I think he's completely right he's not meant to be with the mother, he knew that fast it was only a 4 week relatioship. But as long as he's there for the child, he's a good man. With you in his life now , you can support & encourage him & possibly her too. Everything happeneds for a reason & he's entered your life now also for a reason & brought happiness. I know how hard it is finding someone that fits into your family.

I'll keep you in my prayers for wisdom & peace & strength. wish you all the best.

[ImThatGirl]

I agree completely that some parents make better co-parents. I'm glad I did try with my daughters dad but if I was older and wiser, I would have accepted the truth - we could never be together.

 

I'm not transferring my personal negative heartaches in a manner of holding it against him. I just know that right now he's somewhat incapable of seeing her side of the picture. I want him to see what it may really be like for her.

 

I'm actually glad he waited to tell me - I would have missed out on sharing time with him had I known earlier. He truly is amazing - a great person with a very big heart. He's accepted me and my children and is so wonderful to us all.

 

When he was talking about reasons he thought he may not be the father (yesterday,) he commented "not to get your hopes up." So basically he doesn't want to get my hopes up that the baby is not his. That caught me by surprise. I clearly explained to him that to me, he already is the father of the baby. To me, I'm prepared for his baby to be in his / our lives. I can't operate without accepting the high possibility. I'm actually excited and can't wait to have her in his / our lives. I just hope his ex can somehow find peace with all of this.

 

Thank you flower for the prayers! Thank you everyone! Off to pick up my kiddies. I will check in later or tomorrow and take a look at other threads. Is there a thread for introductions?

 

Have a wonderful evening!

[flower99]

That's AWESOME you are excited about this!

You sound like a really strong positive person..keep it up!

have a good evening too!

[Scotcha]

I have fully accepted that he is going to be a father. And that probably means him going there 3 times a week to visit his daughter. At first I just didn't know how I'd handle that. Even though I'd want to be ever supportive I worried that my heart would drop each time due to his ex being there and me not going out of respect.

 

Is there any reason why he has to have supervised visitation? He has every single right to have regular visitation with his daughter. Most likely he would even be able to get weekend visits and in the very least she should be able to take her for a full day. He does not have to accept "visiting" his daughter like a guest. If the mother isn't agreeable he needs to set up a court date. He has and equal right to form a bond with his child.

 

And did you know that unless there is an actual court order stating otherwise BOTH parents SHARE custody.

[robowarrior]

oh god i misread this thread title, i thought it read ' my boyfriend is pregnant' =\

[Hope75]

oh god i misread this thread title, i thought it read ' my boyfriend is pregnant' =\

 

LOL- now THAT would be quite a post!!

[ImThatGirl]

Oh I wish that we're the case! lol That would be a heck of alot easier to deal with!!!

 

J came over last night for a couple hours. He said I've acted differently the past couple days. Wow. I asked him to specify but he didn't. Our conversation moved from constant fun, light conversation to conversation about her and what it will be like. I think fair to say we're both under alot of weight.

 

I'm going to check out the other threads - Any introduction area's? Hope you all have a wonderful day!

[DN]

I take it that he is perfectly fine with accepting your children into his life if you should have a permanent relationship?

[ImThatGirl]

Yes, he accepts my children fully. He's actually quite amazing with my children. I fell in love with him before he met them but watching him interact with them made me fall even more.

 

He is seriously everything I had hoped for - besides learning about his baby. I think this just really threw me for a loop - hopefully after this week, I'll be fully adjusted to the idea and stop worrying.

 

I'm curious about something. Is there going to be a right way or time for his ex to find out he is in a serious relationship. Since she lives out of town, she has no idea. I worry about her knowing and how it will hurt her. Right now I think she really believes they will be together once their baby is born. I worry about how the realization will affect her. A friend of mine brought this to my attention that it may be better for her to know before their baby is born rather than after...?

[Hope75]

Has your bf not told her he has a girlfriend now?

 

They were not together for very long were they? What gives you the impression she thinks they will be together once the baby is born, exactly?

[ImThatGirl]

Since he and I have been together, he has seen her twice. He went to a doctor appt last Friday and then the Ultrasound on Monday.

 

He showed me text messages she sent after the Ultrasound like "Since you're not coming around, do I get to name our daughter," and "Did you tell your parents they have a granddaughter?"

 

She makes comments like "He better know he's going to be around helping me with this baby when I go back to work." .

 

J, and his friends that if she finds out he has a girlfriend she will start lots of trouble. They believe it's best that she doesn't find out for awhile. I'm just not sure I agree with that.

 

What do you think?

[ImThatGirl]

A couple other things.

 

To answer your question, they were "dating" for only 4 weeks.

 

When my daughters father and I were supposedly trying to work on a relationship, he would often go out with many of his friends (girls) and also went on vacation with a few of them. I held onto hope that once my daughter was born, he'd finally make the effort to make the relationship work. Ha. It worked. For six months. I wish now he would have made it clear how much he resented me and that he had no intention of living happily ever after rather than us working on something that could never happen.

[singlemom5]

Is there a way we can email offline? I'll look into my profile so maybe you can email me from there. I am new to this site. Your post just hit so close to home! Funny (well not actually) but I am in almost the exact same situation as you. I am a single mom too (of a 5 year old) and dating a guy for 8 months. His ex is due to have a baby next week. I would love to talk to someone in the same situation. Its hard talking with friends since this is such a hard topic.

Hope to hear from you.

[ImThatGirl]

Singlemom - I'm going to send you a private message. Post here if you have trouble accessing!

[ImThatGirl]

And I wonder whether he has problems about commitment. I probably should have kept a journal rather than bothering everyone with this constant up and down posts about insecurities, anxiety, criticism, mixed signals.

 

 

 

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT, ADVICE, AND OPINIONS!

[ImThatGirl]

Wellll.... Her water has broke. I'm so excited for both of them. No idea how things are going to pan out... I never could have imagined being this calm. I'll be hearing from him later today. I'm on the sidelines for now and that's completely okay!