Now what do I do???

[scared44]

Hopefully someone can relate and give me some good advice...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for three years now. We hooked up before he was divorced, but he was separated from her and not living with her. Basically they haven't been able to carry on a decend conversation with each other over the past three years because she wanted to fight about everything. They have a daughter together, and she wasted no time in using her as the pawn. Nothing that has happened over the past three years in either of their actions could prepare me for what happened last week. The ex wife sent him a text message last week telling him that she missed him and thinks about him all the time. He sent her one back saying he missed her too. GREAT!!! She had a fiance, but she just moved out this week. Now he's confused...says he has feelings for her...what the heck?! He has had nothing good to say about her at all, and she's been nothing but mean and nasty. He is justifying all of her actions over the years as her being hurt. I know they talk often, not sure if they've met yet. I'm just at a complete loss...I'm in shock...and I'm numb. So do I stay around until he makes up his mind, or do I just move out and let him figure it out on his own? I'm trying to give him his own space-I don't ask where he's going when he walks out the door or question him when he comes back; I don't go through his cell or ask who he's talking to; I'm going about business as usual. She is crossing the line by calling the house phone now, which leads me to believe he's encouraging her...

 

Can someone please shed some light? I'm going crazy...

[NJRon]

This has crossed the line. If this was some random woman... not his ex-wife, it would be inappropriate. So, it seems that it is inappropriate to your relationship whether it is his ex or not.

 

If he is confused and everything, I think it's time to set a boundary and be willing to enforce it. You need to be willing to accept the consequences, but, I think it is important to do so in this case. I don't see any good coming of this while he has both you *and* her.

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome.

 

I am so sorry about things have been lately.

 

"We hooked up before he was divorced, but he was separated from her and not living with her."

 

This is where things get a little tricky. I have learned that no matter what prompted a divorce and who did what to whom, divorce is extremely painful, even the most amicable ones. It is really hard. So, in that sense, your boyfriend has not had time to recover from his divorce and get his life on track, nor get his sense of self back as a single person with a daughter. He may have turned to you for emotional support and now that time has passed, he is not sure what to think now. He was not traveling light when you met.

 

"Now he's confused...says he has feelings for her...what the heck?! He has had nothing good to say about her at all, and she's been nothing but mean and nasty."

 

This ties into what I stated above. He really did not have time to sort out the lingering feelings of his divorce, he jumped into a new relationship instead of coming to grips of what happened. He MAY have feelings for her but that does not necassarily mean ROMANTIC feelings. I mean, she is the mother of his daughter, there are going to be feelings on both sides, that is inevitable.

 

This is a risk, IMO people take when he/she gets involved with divorcees with children. The parents are going to be connected in some way for a very long time. Depending on the ex spouse's personality, it could be a very bumpy road.

 

 

"I'm trying to give him his own space-I don't ask where he's going when he walks out the door or question him when he comes back;"

 

I know you mean well here but be careful with this. Perhaps giving someone in his position TOO much freedom can have bad effects too. The pendulim can swing the other way and since he has admitted confusion and feelings for the ex, things can go very wrong. Not saying they will but it is a possibilty.

 

What you can do is talk to him. Find out what he wants and think about what YOU want too. And go from there. I hope things work out. Take care.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

This has crossed the line. If this was some random woman... not his ex-wife, it would be inappropriate. So, it seems that it is inappropriate to your relationship whether it is his ex or not.

 

If he is confused and everything, I think it's time to set a boundary and be willing to enforce it. You need to be willing to accept the consequences, but, I think it is important to do so in this case. I don't see any good coming of this while he has both you *and* her.

 

I couldn't agree with NJRon more. I was in a similar situation and I saw it the same as NJRon- it's inappropriate regardless of the fact that she is his ex-wife. In my situation, I ended things and began no contact- after about two months we got back together and got engaged. The engagement ended for different reasons, however, after we broke up he went back to his ex.

 

You have to take into consideration how easily he is pursuaded by his ex. You also should ask yourself if you want to be the person waiting in the wings for THEM to make a decision as to what they want to do. It's not fair of him to string you along like he is. You deserve more.

[scared44]

I told him that I thought it was inappropriate-didn't make it ok just because it was his ex-asked him what he would do if the shoe was on the other foot. He told me he wouldn't put up with it. So I guess I can't either. I'm trying to be patient and "wait" for him to make up his mind, but in the mean time I feel like he's disrespecting me...and I don't feel I deserve that at all. I'm trying to be "ok" with it all just because his decision effects my future too, but just writing that makes me think - "why is my future up to him"??? I think kellbell is write too...I don't think he gave himself time to deal with the divorce, even though he was the one who wanted it. I think at the time she was being a complete #$&*! so that just pushed him even more away. I'm going to give him another week, and then make my move out the door. Does that sound reasonable? I don't want to be too hasty...

[Siriana]

I suggest you to leave him. I usually don't make such open suggestions but this is pretty clear and really lausy toward you what he has done.

 

And if you leave him - don't hope he'll be searching for you - unfortunatelly he woan't. He will come back to his wife and their unhealthy relationship. But this mess is none of your business than. Let them be miserable together.

 

i suggest you to leave as soon as possible because othervise you will loose control over the situation and you will feel much worse when he leaves you. Or even if he stays with you because you will always suspect his honesty and dedication to your relationship. You deserve better.

 

Once again leave him and don't look back. It is not important how do you feel about him, it is more important do you get what you deserve at the present moment. Don't stay in a relationship only based on your hopes that things will get better and that you will eventually be in a relationship you would like to be. That's crap.

 

Also, excuse me for beeing honest, don't date guys who are separated but not divorced. If he respacts you enough he will get his divorce. This is called dating with someone who is not available.

[NJRon]

I neither suggest you leave or stay. I suggest you come up with a reasonable boundary for you.

 

Your one week timeline for him to get himself together and come back to you with a definate Yes or No (if Yes, then with a very strong message of no-communication), if that is reasonable to you, then stick with it. I think you are being very firm, yet reasonable here. Good for you. you are right to question his control of your future. You are right to listen to what he would do and then apply it to him. Because, it is a reasonable request, and reasonable actions you are intending.

 

Hang in there.

[Riggz41510]

I was that guy you speak of.. I tried to move on too fast with a new girl.. I spoke badly of my ex to her, but that was too only make her feel that i would never go back to my ex.

 

But when I got that call about how she wanted to work things out, I too was confused.. I eventually went back.

 

Honestly, all I can say is if that woman still has his heart, you don't stand a chance. Don't mean to come off so harsh, but I know the feeling..

[scared44]

Honestly, all I can say is if that woman still has his heart, you don't stand a chance. Don't mean to come off so harsh, but I know the feeling.

 

 

That's exactly what I'm afraid of, and in my gut I know it's true...

[Riggz41510]

Honestly, all I can say is if that woman still has his heart, you don't stand a chance. Don't mean to come off so harsh, but I know the feeling.

 

 

That's exactly what I'm afraid of, and in my gut I know it's true...

 

Its a difficult battle.. He will never be able to open up all the way too you, unless he is over her. I have battled these demons for 2 years now..

 

I don't know the make up of your relationship, but if you can just step back and let him be.. Once you come out of he smoke you may resent him for stringing you along all this time. You may also never believe he is really over her..

 

Its hard.. I dished out this same crap to a young lad and hated myself for doing it later, but when you are in it you really can't see that clear!!

 

Good luck!!

[scared44]

Ok, we just talked again...

 

Were you hesitant at first to meet her face to face and talk? Did you just do small talk on the phone first? She keeps hounding the hell out of him to talk face to face and he is reluctant to do so. I asked him if he was scared and he really didn't have an answer. He is so confused. I really feel bad for him...He said to me, "why don't you scream and holler and throw stuff at me-that's what I'm used to?" That's what she did, and I refuse to be that person. I'm not that person anyway, so it's not hard for me...what can I do to help him???

[NJRon]

Did you tell him thta's not who you are?

 

I think you would save a lot of face, instead of reacting the way he expects you to react, that you just did what you originally intended. If he fell in love with you, then he fell in love with you for a reason. Acting outside of that will not give him the "wake up call".

[scared44]

No, I definitely did not tell him that's not who I am. He knows that for a fact. I honestly am not trying to make myself look better to him. If he wants to be with her, I'm trying to make him realize that. I told him to go meet her face to face. Maybe that would help. He is the one who said he isn't ready. I'm being supportive but not in a manipulative kind of way-just me.

[NJRon]

Being explicit is not being manipulative, if that is who you are. Anyone in that kind of "fog" needs to be spoken to in explicit terms. When you say things... don't encourage him to do something you don't want. Say that he is free to choose, but he needs to be ready to accept the consequences. And, lay out the consequences.

 

You or her... it's pretty straight forward to most people.. but until you couch it in those terms, he may be thinking "Hmm... a possibility with my ex versus a possibilty of losing her."

 

Stand your ground, communicate clearly.