I cheated

[Taylor828]

I cheated on my boyfriend of 3yrs and I know that it was completely wrong I don't want to break up with him. It was just a one night stand and I already tod the other guy it should have never happened and I want to work it out with my boyfriend. I just feel really bad adn I knw I would never do it again!

[2900]

I've done that before n i know exactly how u feel! Just to warn u the guilt never goes away...but did u tell him about it?

[RayKay]

Well, you have two options based on the fact you want to stay with him, and seem to really regret it:

 

1) Come clean to your boyfriend and tell him the truth, knowing he may choose to end it but at least he knows the truth and is basing his choice to stay with you on all the facts. Of course, you would have to rebuild the trust and honesty if he does want to stay with you and be ready for that process.

 

2) Don't come clean, let the guilt eat at you, let your boyfriend keep thinking all is fine, and still have to work to regain that trust and honesty that YOU know is lost in a sense. Chances are still good though it will end without that concerted effort from both sides, because it will come out in the end. And it will be even worse on him I guarantee.

 

In either case, you have to figure out WHY you did it, and make changes to NEVER do it again.

 

Some will tell you to come clean as he deserves to know and be able to make a decision based on that to also test for STI's and so on (which you need to do), others will say if it truly is something you regret to not tell him as it will only hurt him and ease your own guilt. The answer for you lies in you, and what is right for you.

[obscurity]

The only option is to tell you boyfriend.

 

He deserves to know, and he is going to be extremely angry. The option of the relationship being over and or is up to him. At least you realize that it shouldnt have happened, that is a good starting step.

 

Think about this situation switched around. If he had cheated I am sure you would want to know and want to deal with it in a manner you see fit.

 

I wish you luck with this situation. Either way, if you stay with him, realize how understanding and lucky you are. If you guys break up, learn from you lessons.

[locolady]

Argh! shame on you!

 

Sorry i know anger from anyone here is too late and not helpful but i hope you truly regret what youve done - i was cheated on and it utterly destroyed my self-esteem and trust.

 

I think you should tell him - i found out through a friend which was extra humiliating. In my opinion you would never cheat if you loved the person you were with. He deserves much better. Its not a situation that just happens and for whatever reasons the relationship was lacking something to you.....just as your boyfriend deserves honesty, everyone deserves a relationship that makes them truly happy - go and find yourself that because your current boyfriend obviously is not the one.

[Taylor828]

no I haven't told him. I know that he would never be able to forgive me and that would be the end of our relationship.

 

I know I should tell him. but I also know that I would never cheat on him again and be the best girlfriend that I could be.

 

I also know that either way my guilt is going to haunt me for a very long time.

[locolady]

your guilt wont ever feel as bad as he's going to.

 

At what point when you were having sex with this other guy did your boyfriend pop into your head?? when then did you care about his feelings?

 

Its very likely that he will end the relationship yes but be honest with yourself.....its not what you want or you wouldnt have done this.

 

cheaters always say i will regret this for a long time.....in my expereince they never do! its the cheated on that suffers - as the cheater you will undoubedly push it to the back of your mind and continue to have your cake and eat it while humilating your boyfriend

[Honey Pumpkin]

I agree with the others, you have two choices, to tell him or not to tell him. Telling him may end the relationship straight away, not telling him may mean it ends further down the road because of all the stuff that's going on that he won't be aware of.

 

Personally, I would ask myself *why* this had happened. When I have been in love with someone, I could not have cheated on them - just wouldn't have seen the point. Is there something up between you and your boyfriend.

 

Secondly, if you choose to not tell him, then you have to not tell *anyone*. EVER. No girlfriends, no mums, sisters, internet friends. No one. Because people gossip, and if he finds out through any other way than you telling him, you are so dumped. It's tough to keep that kind of secret - you're a bit drunk and emotional one night, you tell your best friend, swear her to secrecy. If you do that, you might as well grit your teeth and tell him now. Or the guilt might get too much for you - you fess up in three months time; again, not many brownie points for you that way.

 

Against that advice - if my partner had cheated on me, then I would want to know and straightaway. Full and frank confession would be the only possibility of saving the relationship. And the idea of being lied to about something like this is horrible. To be honest, it isn't something I could come to terms with, it would mean the end of the relationship for me.

 

Poor you - you really don't have any easy option. No one will tell you the right thing to do, it's up to you. There isn't a straightforward answer, and only you can decide what to do. Think carefully about your choices.

[Taylor828]

i had no intentions of telling anyone. I am embarrased that is so not like me I do know why I did it I felt lonely we have such limited time together because of our crazy schedules but that is still no excuse. I know that you all thik I do not love him but I could tell you that is incorrect. I have been sick since it happened.

[locolady]

if you want to try to keep this a secret you need to think carefully - do you live in a big or small place??

 

think hard about any connections the other guy might have with any friends of your boyfriends, work mates, football friends - people love to gossip and as the others have said it will definitely be worse if he finds out later. theres no reason why he wont expose you...

 

Its not for us to judge whether you do or do not love your man - all we can try to do is make you think about what you want and why this happened. You need to try to put your boyfriends feelings first - think hard and honestly about what you want from a relationship - lack of time together is no excuse, there is no excuse for cheating. If he cant make you happy, you need to admit that and be brave enough to finsih the relationship now before you hurt him anymore.

[Hope75]

How do you know this other man that you had the affair with?

 

Is there any chance that through him or his friends that it will get back to your bf?

[CarnelianButterfly]

i had no intentions of telling anyone. I am embarrased that is so not like me I do know why I did it I felt lonely we have such limited time together because of our crazy schedules but that is still no excuse. I know that you all thik I do not love him but I could tell you that is incorrect. I have been sick since it happened.

What happens the next time he's not arround? How do you know you're not going to cheat again?

[rose2summer]

Taylor,

 

Cheating tends to run in patterns,

 

I have yet to see a relationship that has survived cheating,

 

In terms of the long-term future,

 

How about letting this guy go,

 

So that you can both heal,

 

You are hurting that you cheated,

 

And he is going to hurt incredibly to be cheated on,

 

It's hard to just insert a patch hoping it will go away,

 

Let him find someone that can cherish him,

 

And let yourself find someone you are so in love with you don't need to stray,

 

I think when someone cheats, it's because they want an out of the relationship,

 

It's time to part and go your own ways,

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Rose

[xprincessbugx]

How can you see your boyfriend and NOT think of what you've done to him? If you really love him and care about him at all you'll tell him. He deserves to know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are many people who have cheated and have really regretted what they have done. To say that cheaters don't love their partners is really oversimplifying things. Yes, some cheaters don't really love their partner, but others do. In many cases, once a cheater, always a cheater, but not in all cases. Having said all that, your boyfriend deserves to know the truth. Even though it will be painful for him to hear, at least he will have the chance to decide what to do with this knowledge. You deny him his rights if you do not tell him. If he chooses to stay with you, know that it will be a tough road for both of you and you will have to earn his trust again. Either way, you need to take full responsibility for your actions and know that you will never do it again.

[Taylor828]

to answer the question I spoke to the guy and he said he will not say anything that he understands that I want to make it work with my boyfriend.

[annie24]

What happens the next time he's not arround? How do you know you're not going to cheat again?

 

I have the same concerns as CB.

 

what will you do next time you are lonely? will you find another way to deal with your feelings?

 

how will you keep this from happening again/

[Taylor828]

I am going to get some hobbies to keep me busy

[annie24]

ok, that is a good start. get some hobbies, join some clubs, so that when you are lonely, you can call up a girlfriend and ask her to hang out with you, watch a movie, or get dinner... instead of falling for a new man.

[Taylor828]

thanks annie I know everyone says this but i mean it it will never happen again

[Majoraslayer]

I have been cheated on, and I have to say that you have to come clean with him one way or another. He will suffer, but he would suffer more if he had to hear it from someone else and found out you were hiding it from him.

 

The chance of losing him is one you chose to take when you cheated on him. If you truly had concern for him, then you would have at some point at least considered his feelings. Everyone knows it will truly devestate him if you tell him, but he has the right to know. Then he can choose whether he should seek someone capable of treating him right, or to give you a second chance.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but as the victim of a heartless cheater (and I'm not saying you as a cheater are heartless), I know the worst of the suffering that can come from this. She's currently engaged to the other guy and has NO guilt whatsoever, while I'm here praying at night that I won't have to wake up the next morning.

[locolady]

i have also been cheated on - and a year later i still feel like s***. i wake up every day thinking if only i had been thinner, prettier, better he wouldnt have hurt and humiliated me in this way.

 

DOnt kid yourself that you feel guilty - my ex cried at first when i found out and said it was a mistake, it would never happen again etc etc.....you know what?? five minutes later he was over it, over me and has never cared about me since. You were able to forget about your boyfriend long enough to cheat - you'll be able to forget about him in the long run.

 

You can say it wont happen again but its too late - for me the cheating will always be there, making me feel worthless - nothing he can ever do will make me feel better about myself....yet i am still glad i found out - the relationsnhip would have failed at some point anyway - just as yours probably will now - you cannot pretend this didnt happen.

 

Out of interest why did this happen??

[Royltnxile]

i had no intentions of telling anyone. I am embarrased that is so not like me I do know why I did it I felt lonely we have such limited time together because of our crazy schedules but that is still no excuse. I know that you all thik I do not love him but I could tell you that is incorrect. I have been sick since it happened.

 

 

I believe you. I think the others are over-simplifying things by insisting that you share this indescretion of yours with your boyfriend. Whatever you do, and if you really do love him and are sincere about remaining faithful to him from this point on...DO NOT TELL HIM! Telling him will NOT assuage your guilt feelings, and it WON'T make you better. In fact, it will turn his world, and yours, upside down and will most likely damage the relationship beyond repair. Keep this indescretion to yourself and learn from it. If you need to tell anyone, tell a counselor, clergy, or a therapist.

 

Don't tell him. Do what you need to do to deal with your own guilt, but whatever you do...DON'T TELL HIM. Of course, my opinion here is based on the the fact that you will never be unfaithful again.

[locolady]

no way.....that doesnt seem at all fair - so she gets away with having sex with someone else and her poor boyfriend doesnt even get told??

 

Imagine how disgusted you would feel if your partner had sex with someone else and then came right back to you and slept with you? Absolutely DISGUSTED. I felt so sick when i found out about my ex but it would have been a million times worse if i had also slept with him since - luckily i found out in time. DO NOT treat someone like this. To some people sex is so intimate, it is something they choose very carefully who they share it with - just because you are happy to have a one night stand....dont subject your boyfriend to the same opinion.

 

I truly think it would be so out of order of you to sleep with your boyfriend again without telling him - he may well be appalled at the idea of sharing your body.

 

There is no reason why you wont do this again if you get away with it. Since you dont respect your boyfriend or your relationship - you should take some time on your own to work out what is important to you. You will learn nothing from this if you cover it up -

[Royltnxile]

no way.....that doesnt seem at all fair - so she gets away with having sex with someone else and her poor boyfriend doesnt even get told??.................

 

...............There is no reason why you wont do this again if you get away with it. Since you dont respect your boyfriend or your relationship - you should take some time on your own to work out what is important to you. You will learn nothing from this if you cover it up -

 

It's not about her "getting away with it". Loco, you post as if Taylor were some kind of evil serial cheater who is just chomping at the bit to cheat again?? * * *? From her words, I think I understand her situation. She had an "indescretion"...3 years with a guy she loves and she made a mistake...a one time screw up that she enormously regrets, and that she feels immensely guilty about. She doesn't need to tell her b/f..Instead she needs to deal with her own guilt feelings on her own and ensure that it never happens again.

 

Just because she messed up doesn't mean she doesn't love her b/f, and it doesn't mean she doesn't respect her b/f or the relationship...it means she messed up and committed an indescretion...and that's all it means. No one here is in her shoes, and no one here knows what she feels in her heart. If she knows she loves him, and knows it was a one time indescretion that will never happen again....then why is it necessary to tell her b/f? Personally, if I had a g/f who I knew loved me and wanted to be with me, I would be much more secure NOT knowing if she screwed up and slept with someone else...once....while we were together. People make mistakes. People don't always excercise good judgement either...especially in matters of the heart.

 

I think it is very unfair and accusatory of people to imply that she has no respect for her b/f and doesn't love him because of this incident. I also think that there is alot of hyper-sensitivity and over-idealizing flavored by alot of bitterness coming from people who have been cheated on rather than offering her constructive advice. People make mistakes. Sh*t happens! She doesn't need to tell her b/f in order to "learn something" from it either. Dealing with her guilt feelings on her own should teach her some very valuable things.