Why?

[renaissancewoman101]

In a previous thread about a poster celebrating the first month anniversary of her relationship, someone who replied said that most relationships don't last past the three months stage. Why is that? If most relationships fizzle out by the time three months is over, then why put ourselves through that only to find that we lose at the end?

 

I have some jaded feelings towards relationships. I do want a guy very badly but I tend to be the type if I like someone and grow attached to someone, it hurts really badly for me if the relationship ends. I dont like to go through that pain and suffering. It really affects me and destroys my emotions. Hence that is the reason why I dont date a lot and start a lot of relationships.

 

I dont know how people can date, start a relationship, have it last a few months to a year, break up, and do that all over again with someone else. After a while, it must eat at you.

 

Sometimes, I wish I could just find someone who wont leave, a relationship that wont end, instead of hitting dead ends all the time.

[ElektraHere]

RW,

 

I think the problem is you think that someone else will give you the happiness and peace you need in your life. And as you well know this comes from within you. Do you really want to put the burden of your stuff onto someone else? Thats a lot to deal with.

 

I am no stranger to this and I am working my way out of this claustrophobic paper bag. I think that with the therapy and meds and school you will be able to put some of these ghosts to bed permanantly.

[rose2summer]

RW,

 

The 3 month-6month rule was designed by relationship advice givers,

 

Those who specialized in communications as their degree,

 

They believe that 3-6months is the honeymoon period,

 

Where a couple acts at their best,

 

And after 3-6month, the true person comes out,

 

And if the couple survives past that point,

 

They have a much higher success in making it in the relationship,

 

That's what I learned from my communications professor,

 

Who knows how accurate it is,

 

I think it's on an individual to individual basis,

 

My relationships have been 1-5yrs, so I don't know about the honeymoon period.

 

When you enter a relationship though RW,

 

You should enter it with the understanding that the other person,

 

Isn't there to complete you,

 

But instead to be someone you give to out of abundance,

 

Never give to receive in return,

 

When you stop wanting to be in a relationship,

 

Is when you are ready to enter one,

 

I think dating is great for you right now,

 

But I would avoid entering a relationship,

 

Until you have so much love to give in excess,

 

And not to receive in return,

 

Then you are ready,

 

I know I am not ready for a relationship right now,

 

But I am ok with dating,

 

When I have excess love to hand out,

 

Then I will let a guy get closer to me,

 

Right now, my family needs any love I can give,

 

So no relationships for Rose.

 

But for now, the guard dog, barbed wire fence, cement wall, are all up.

 

You are a wonderful woman, RW, beautiful, intelligent, a good heart,

 

You will meet a man who will make you very happy,

 

Just be patient, and he will surprise you.

 

Hugs my dear friend!

 

Rose

[Honey Pumpkin]

 

I have some jaded feelings towards relationships. I do want a guy very badly but I tend to be the type if I like someone and grow attached to someone, it hurts really badly for me if the relationship ends. I dont like to go through that pain and suffering. It really affects me and destroys my emotions. Hence that is the reason why I dont date a lot and start a lot of relationships.

 

Hi Renaissance Woman,

 

I understand what you mean, about going into something knowing it may end. I suppose I want to echo what Electra Here said above, which was that I think you go into a relationship when you're whole and well, rather than needing someone very badly.

 

I've thought about this a lot - and I know that things work better for me with someone when I am happy and fulfilled in my own single life, and a relationship enriches that. I have more to give. When I am sad and unhappy and naturally desperately want someone special there, that's when it doesn't work. Because I want the relationship rather than the person. If that makes sense?

 

I suppose it works both ways - I want a man to want ME, for my fabulous self ;-) rather than a man who just wants SOMEONE, and I happened to be there.

 

It's a hard path, isn't it? And isn't it always the way that the time we attract most attention is JUST when we are falling in love with someone! I think it's because we are putting happy, non-needy vibes out there, which are just irresistible! And of course, the opposite of that is true - there is nothing more off-putting than neediness. Dammit all!!

 

Interesting post, and I hope that you DO continue to put yourself out there and take risks, because let's face it, what is the alternative?

 

Take good care of yourself.

[ElektraHere]

My friend put it to me like this...

 

The 3 month mark is the Preview of the movie "You"

You know how some previews are so great you want to see the movie and others you are eh so so on.

 

Well after the 3 month mark either the preview was great or so so. That is when you know the honeymoon is over.

 

You are so afraid of being alone that its clouding your outlook on things. Take a step back and just look at and work on you my dear.

[Batya33]

What I do in a new relationship is make sure to remind myself that it is new, to take things slow (typically I don't have sex in the first three months) and to keep my life basically the way it was - keep on going to the gym, doing my volunteer work, seeing my friends. Often I see people who insist it is love at first sight, they stop seeing their friends, etc put their lives on hold and if it doesn't work out they are devastated. I also have several examples in the last few years of friends who got engaged after about 4 months of dating and are perfectly happy.

 

For me, it is worth it - I am 40, have been dating/in serious relationships for 25 years (!) and I don't think I am jaded or cynical, mostly because I act consistently with my values and standards and typically get treated very well by the men I date and get involved with. I have had 4 relationships end in the two-four month period over the last 5 years - most because it was then that I discovered a major character flaw - serious anger management issue, a drinking problem, overly controlling. It didn't stop me from wanting to try again with someone else.

[rose2summer]

RW,

 

Batya has a great point here that you need to consume yourself with other things beside a relationship first,

 

Join some clubs, do some volunteer work,

 

I know you are going back to school,

 

But maybe join some philanthropic organizations,

 

So you have things to fall back on if persay a relationship takes a sharp turn,

 

You want to involve yourself in as many extracurriculars that you can,

 

Without it seeming overbearing,

 

So you have a very distinct life from your next bf,

 

Wow, I wish I had done this in my past,

 

Life is a big great learning experience!

 

Rose

[Dako]

To get anything from it I throw myself headlong into it with passion, while knowing the risks. At some point it's not a balance sheet.

Being safe can be lonely.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I agree with Rose and Bay-

 

i have been in relationships where i made that person my world... dropped friends and more or less disappeared. When the relationship ended and I went back to my "old" life...it felt so foreign to me and it took me longer to get back into the "swing of things".

 

Now, i make sure i continue doing the things that I enjoy separate from the relationship- for me it gives me double the pleasure- one...i have my own life and we have more to talk about and I feel more fulfilled. The second, when the relationship ends you just fall back into your life and the things you enjoy- it makes the healing process so much easier.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Dako- i try to avoid throwing myself into things...thats when i go "splat!" like a bug on a windshield. lol Not pretty. lol

[renaissancewoman101]

I do agree that when you are not looking for a relationship and when you are the most fulfilled by yourself, that is when a relationship falls in your lap. That was what happened to me with BOTH my long term relationship, T and my ex. I was involved with life, work, school, etc., and not really looking for a relationship, and they both fell in my lap. But, both ended badly and both hurt me a lot. True, they lasted a few years, but still they both broke my heart.

 

Dont take me wrong, I do like being alone. I live alone and do a lot of things alone. I dont have many friends and I am somewhat ok with that for now. I am hoping I make more friends when school starts, but I am afraid of relationships.

 

When I read what that poster said, about most relationships fizzling out from 3-6 months, that actually scared me. If I get involved with someone, after the initial resistance, I do throw my heart and soul into the relationship because that is the right thing to do. If most relationships are destined to end between the 3-6 month period, I dont know how people can do it time and time again. I know I couldnt. It would literally destroy me emotionally.

 

Right now I am by my parents. My aunt and uncle are also here. My mom was talking to me this morning about setting me up with someone that my aunt and uncle know and seeing if that works out. Sometimes, I wonder if arranged marriages work out better than ones out of love. Since what I have seen, most relationships out of love, end in sad circumstances.

[rose2summer]

Dako,

 

Seriously, everytime I see your avatar,

 

I roll of my chair laughing.

[chai714]

In a previous thread about a poster celebrating the first month anniversary of her relationship, someone who replied said that most relationships don't last past the three months stage. Why is that? If most relationships fizzle out by the time three months is over, then why put ourselves through that only to find that we lose at the end?

 

Because not all relationships are bad ones and not all of them end in this specific time frame. Even "bad" relationships are ones we can all learn from as we see on a daily basis here on eNotalone.

 

RW, that poster was being negative. Relationships like anything else, require a certain amount of effort from both parties. I'm not here to tell you that most relationships WILL work out because we know that's not true. But what is true is that your attitude toward relationships in general will reflect on any dates you go on.

 

People are drawn toward positive people because being positive makes not only the person acting positive feel good, but also the people around them. So, before going out there and dating again make sure you're in the right frame of mind.

 

Good luck.

[ElektraHere]

stop the incessant circle of unhappiness and dysfunction. You are not in a good place emotionally or spiritually for a successful relationship. As for the arranged marriage you think it would be easier to know this person is stuck with you! I would hate to know that this person is forced to be with me.. YUCK!!

 

RW you need to fix you first and then the rest will follow. The relationship with T was dysfunctional, abusive, and look at the effects it still has on your heart and mind.

 

If you are scared when you read about the fizzle after the3-6 month period then you know what....YOU ARE NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP!

[renaissancewoman101]

EH, I never said I was out looking for a relationship or that I was EVEN ready for one. I was just writing out my thoughts concerning what a poster said about most relationships only lasting from 3-6 months. I dont like to have my heart broken and to watch relationships die out after 3-6 months and have to trudge on and find a new one, that scares me.

 

Having your heart broken is the pits. I just dont know how people can do it time and time again, without becoming jaded to it.

 

I know I couldnt.

[Dako]

I guess this begs the question.

Is it better to love and lose than not love at all?

[SarahRose]

RW, I don't think I have posted much on your threads but you are one of my favs to read here.

 

I understand what you mean about why bother over and over when things seem to go the same way. Things start out great and then later on they show their true colors and things start to fizzle and it is no longer fun and then it ends.

 

I enjoy very much my alone time and find it hard to find a man who can respect that and respect that I am in charge of my life, not him; and things won't revolve entirely around him.

 

I guess I expect a relationship to enhance my life not give me more problems and more work! I think that is too much to ask really.

 

It seems that first year or so is great and then things happen and it seems that I am in limbo about what to do. Whether to end it or continue and that limbo time cause me so much stress and anxiety that I feel I am better off single.

 

I'm in a relationship now that was so very good and it is been a couple years and now he has done some things that have me really disappointed. I'm in the limbo phase now and it is terrible.

 

If this ends, I plan to just stay single as men are more trouble than they are worth.

[ElektraHere]

well when you are healthy and ready then you wont think that will you? You say you arent looking or EVEN ready for one but then what are the ads on CL and Match for? What is the talk of the fix up date? I dont see you as the casual non chalant dater.

 

Hey I struggle with this one and you know what its all about me right now and who I want to be and what I will tolerate and not tolerate.

 

Who like to have their heartbroken? Do you really think your the only one? Sorry my dear you arent. It is the pits and you know what it heals back up and you move on.

[chai714]

 

Having your heart broken is the pits. I just dont know how people can do it time and time again, without becoming jaded to it.

 

I know I couldnt.

 

I agree. Heartbreak takes a huge emotional toll, causes lots of stress and just plain sucks.

 

I believe a big part of getting past heartbreak is how you deal with it. Putting your situation in perspective really helped me. After my breakup, I volunteered in a hospital. Saw children struggling to live, to walk, to breathe. At that point, I realized my measly heartbreak was merely a grain of salt.

 

Count your blessings and be thankful you've got such wonderful people to encourage you and help you out here. Everyone goes through "down-time" where they feel bad about relationships, etc especially after a breakup. However, focusing on bad relationships and breaking up is not a good thing because of the "self-fulfilling prophecy." Expect your next relationship to be decent and expect it to work out. Expect it to last for a long time, but do so cautiously and in such a manner that you gradually make yourself vulnerable to your partner.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

RW- I understand what you are saying. You are wondering if its even worth persuing a relationship knowing that the likleyhood it will last beyond 3-6 months is slim.

 

I rationalize this in my own mind by telling myself that every failed relationship teaches me new things about myself. What i want, what i don't want, how to set bounderies etc.

 

So while ending a relationship can be painful, i find that the lessons learned i can use throughout my life. With each ending of a relationship I have now opened the possiblity of beginning a new one which may end up being the one that makes it past the 3-6 month mark. =)

 

I always try to look at it like ...I'm one step closer.

[Hope75]

I think Dako was the one who said it was a risk vs. benefit ratio. Of course every potential relationship has the risk of failing, but it also has just as much of a chance of growing into something wonderful and long lasting. The first three months you are just starting to get to know someone... feeling each other out, seeing what you have in common, what you can live with, and what drives you batty. The "honeymoon" phase, as someone else mentioned.

 

I've been in several long term relationships. Once was 5 years of living together, being engaged, and also being abused and cheated on. Another was 2 years, I was lied to for the entire time. The relationship I am n now is going on 4 years in October. We've had our bumps and potholes, including a brief split 18 months ago, but in the end I would not change ANYTHING I went through because I definitely am one of those, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" people.

 

Dako said it best- being safe is lonely. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you don't risk something, how will you ever take the chance that it could all turn out wonderful?

[renaissancewoman101]

That is true, being safe is lonely. That is why there are so many lonely people here. I am not giving up on the idea of relationships. There is so much to be said about the headiness and exhilaration of falling in love with someone. I like those feelings and when it does work out, it makes it worth it. It is just that I see so many times when it DOESNT work out and it is so sad. We see it all the time here on enotalone. People come here to pour their hearts out about a broken relationship. It just can be sad to see how hearts get broken, people get jaded, etc. And then to get back on the saddle again and try again with someone else and have hopes again.

 

When I start feeling better about myself and get part of my life in order, I will look for a relationship. I want to recapture the heady feelings of exhilaration when one finds someone they love and want to spend time with.

 

It is worth it, esp if it lasts for the long term

[Batya33]

There is so much to be said about the headiness and exhilaration of falling in love with someone. I like those feelings and when it does work out, it makes it worth it. It is just that I see so many times when it DOESNT work out and it is so sad. We see it all the time here on enotalone. People come here to pour their hearts out about a broken relationship. It just can be sad to see how hearts get broken, people get jaded, etc. And then to get back on the saddle again and try again with someone else and have hopes again.

 

When I start feeling better about myself and get part of my life in order, I will look for a relationship. I want to recapture the heady feelings of exhilaration when one finds someone they love and want to spend time with."

 

And therein lies your problem - your focus is the exhiliration and the headiness not the substance of the relationship. If that is your focus - you are going after "that feeling" instead of going after, for example, getting to know another person who inspires you to give to that person out of healthy love (not just "in love") - you will be drawn to people who give the initial head rush and thrill but who might have nothing to do with what you need for a long term relationship.

 

Those heady feelings can last for the long term but more likely they will fade and reappear from time to time. When they fade, you need a best friend where the loving feelings are not that head rush but are nitty gritty real - they will have way more to do with him calling you to remind you to take an umbrella or calling to congratulate you on a seemingly miniscule accomplishment at work (except that because he knows you, he knows what that really means to you) - than with this exhilirating feeling you're talking about.

 

If the excitement is your main focus - you will get it because there are many like yourself out there - but be prepared for the downside - typically those people quickly exit once the excitement fades and move on to someone else for that same feeling of newness.

 

Good luck.

[RayKay]

If most relationships fizzle out by the time three months is over, then why put ourselves through that only to find that we lose at the end?

 

Because sometimes they are the ones that go for the long run, and that makes it worth the risk.

 

And if you DON'T take that risk, the reward will forever remain elusive.

 

Believe me, I had had my share of heartbreak and loss...and it SUCKS big time, but I also never stopped believing that what I was looking for, and what I needed WAS out there...and I did find it. And what I needed was not "romantic lust" but that long term partnership and deep love, and all the qualities it entails. But I would not have if I remained in my shell afraid to venture out in case of being hurt. You can be cautious and learn from past mistakes, without preventing yourself from experiencing life.

 

But to have a healthy relationship, first you must be a healthy PERSON.

[Batya33]

I agree with Raykay and Ren, I saw your post on the we met on enotalone thread where you described it as an enotalone success story. If you mean that enotalone allowed two people to meet and have a lovely weekend together, ok, sure, that's true. but my guess is you meant "success" because they met and believe they are "in love." If that is your definition of success that is fine too but that has little to do with having a serious long term relationship. Who knows if they will still be dating in two weeks, two months, two years - their feelings now are lovely and sweet and precious but they have no idea if they have what it takes for the long term and likely won't know that for another 6 months.

 

Many people can fall in love in the beginning - a lot of that is luck and timing, some of that is openness - but I don't define that as "success" as far as whether it will be a healthy and happy long term relationship. Do you?