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whose fault is it?


karma777
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it's 4 years... I am in a relationship where the fights escalate to a point that his verbal abuse angers me to a point that I physically hit him. I have never had this rage in any other relationship before. He was abused as a child. I grew up without even cursing in our family. The first time he told me to f* off because i was nagging about dishes I was offended so dearly (yes I know it is just swearing) but I don't do that to people I love with rudeness. I asked him "what did you just say" and he said "you heard me". I cried on the phone to my girlfriend for an hour. He began doing it so much that I was always crying, finally I started doing it back.... then it got to a point he would do it and I would hit him or break things.... I was on birthcontrol at for 3 years... we had many issues, it imbalanced me. I got off it and moved out to clear my system of the chemicals. He had me believing that all the rage was my fault, that I started it all. When I returned it happened again. It got to a point where if he swore at me when we argued I lost my grip on everything and wanted to hit him. Eventually he hit me back and I would just cry and cry. Now I am at a point where I am getting more numb... he has improved by trying to swear less when he is angry, but I do it to him now. I feel like everything is so tainted.... I feel like even though he has mellowed out I still resent him..... I am afaid I will do this to my next partner. Does he have a right to hit me? Does he have the right to say the meanest things to me when angry and say he didn't mean them the next day and I am supose to just get over it all?

 

I feel like a basketcase for hitting him....I question if it's me? or if he punched my buttons to get there and I was just defending myself from someone doing something that I didn't want....

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Welcome to ENA karma777!

 

Look, the issue of who's at fault here is moot. What matters is that you need to get yourself out of this situation and in to see a professional about this situation and yourself...

 

You say you are "getting numb". This is bad. This means this situation is so bad that your body is shutting down. That will invariably affect yourself in the way of self-esteem, how you deal with anger and your sensitivity to it, etc. and future relationships you might have unless you start taking steps to seek counseling I think...this situation is just not in any way, shape, or form healthy and neither is your behavior or his...

 

Easier said than done I know. The first step is making the decision and believing in that decision to leave this situation and get help. We can help you with that part here...

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I'd say it is his fault. It sounds like your slapping him came as a response to his repeated verbal assaults on you. Do you nag at him (I really hate listening to women nag at their men)? Is that why he was so angry when you told him to do the dishes? Either way his behavior is not acceptable, and I do believe you should move away from him pretty much immediately.

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People will probably say he has no right to hit you being you are a woman and he is a man and men shouldn't hit women. I been hit by them and even ran over, might of grabbed one by the throat, but never hit them. Plus I came from a verbally, physically and mentally abusive family.

 

Sounds like your relationship is about done. You are already thinking of how you will treat your next partner..so subconsiously you already know this relationship thing is done. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at this point anyway.

 

DBL

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No one has a right to abuse a partner either verbally or physically. But verbal abuse never excuses physical abuse and that is your fault most definitely - you should recognise that. His behaviour is not acceptable and neither is yours. Violence begets violence. The fact you are a woman and may be weaker excuses nothing. He does not have a right to hit you back unless he has no other way to defend himself and that is always hard to determine.

 

It seems to be that this relationship is toxic and you should either go to counselling to stop all the abuse or split up.

 

But never excuse abuse from anyone, male or female - particularly violence.

 

edit: nagging is a form of abuse in it's own way.

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This is not "his" fault, this relationship is full of faults and pressing buttons the way you do is going to cause a reaction as volatile as the two of you are. This isn't even a relationship, there isn't a presense of love, compassion or healthy communication. This is a classic sign of a night in jail or worse for one or both of you. Screaming and yelling at each other is not considered as communication and hitting each other is not an exchange of affection. You need to get out of this relationship right now, there is no other answer to this post.

 

RC

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Well to be fair I don't think it's been established that he originally started verbally abusing her by telling her to F off and other things, because she was pushing his buttons. She very well may have been the most sweet and demure person towards him. I merely asked her if she was doing so, and she hasn't answered. Sounds to me that he started this by telling her repeatedly to F off. Not really a loving guesture, and one that very well will provoke anger in most.

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Look, the original question posed and the question of "who started what" don't mean anything right now. I think we all agree this is an unhealthy situation right now and you, karma777, should get out of this right now.

 

Take things one step at a time and prioritize the things that matter the most here. First believe in the notion that you need to get out of this, then figure out the best way to do that, then actually do it (because that is in no way a trivial task), and then sort out the finer details...like blame, who started what, etc.

 

So let's get on the right track here!

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I tend to disagree. We can tell the OP to get out of this relationship and that is good advice because it is obviously toxic. But that is not what she asked. She asked about fault, partly because she is concerned that this may affect her next relationship. And that is a legitimate question because behaviours established in one relationship can easily be carried over into another. Both the OP and her partner need to learn better ways to deal with their conflicts even if they are ones that will occur in a different relationship.

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There is no excuse in the world to justify laying a hand on another human being unless it is self-defense. Just because someone tells another to F off does not give a right to hit, I do not care if she is a female, still no right. If he makes her feel like poo, time to end the relationship. People will treat you as you LET them treat you.

 

The original poster and her boyfriend need to learn to communicate more effectively and control one another's anger.

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no we aren't married... that's actually the biggest part of all our problems

.he propsed to me and told my parents the first year we were together ~ and for my family this is very huge~ I moved in, got on the crazy birth pill, THEN he took the proposal back! said never mind!! I was sooooooooo mad. This is was a huge part of every fight we have had. He proposed again in March this year! and then... during a fight in June he was angry and after hitting each other he said I hate you and never want to marry you. Obviously I got caught in love and believed him from the start... seems like it's all ..MESSED

it's so hard to leave someone you completely fell for, especially when you have so many good things together. BUT, after he took that proposal and went back on it I was so sad and he would mad when I talked about it, and que sera sera... i have been looking at apartments.

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I tend to disagree. We can tell the OP to get out of this relationship and that is good advice because it is obviously toxic. But that is not what she asked. She asked about fault, partly because she is concerned that this may affect her next relationship. And that is a legitimate question because behaviours established in one relationship can easily be carried over into another. Both the OP and her partner need to learn better ways to deal with their conflicts even if they are ones that will occur in a different relationship.

 

It is obviously toxic and that is the pressing issue I think. Her next relationship will happen in the future but her present is the more pressing issue.

 

From what I've seen, getting out of situations like this is a monumental task and I feel she should be devoting her energy to solving this problem first...

 

Of course analyzing this situation very legitimate and should be addressed but I think right now she has the proverbial "bigger fish to fry" in getting out of this and finding conviction and peace in doing so vs. thinking about future relationships at this point...

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Well, I don't want to derail the thread but when people ask for advice now it is perhaps as well not to assume they will come back for it later if not addressed.

 

I am being so insistent because violence in a relationship is toxic - a propensity for violence also needs to be recognised and addressed.

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I agree that it's not ok for her to hit him. But I do think that it is his fault the relationship is destroyed. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and guess that had he not abused her verbally, emotionally, and mentally, and now physically, she would not have felt helpless to defend herself and thereforeeee lashed out and hit him.

 

Also, unless the woman is very strong, it isn't the same thing. A man punches a woman once in the face he could put her in the hospital. A woman slaps a man on the arm and his skin stings for a few seconds. Again, I'm not saying that it's ok, but I am saying it's not the same thing as what battered women endure, except in cases that are extreme where she is seriously violent, or hitting him with objects such as a frying pan.

 

Now this relationship is unhealthy, and I do agree that if she gets with another mean man, she should leave him, rather than trying to level things by hitting him.

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I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and guess that had he not abused her verbally, emotionally, and mentally, and now physically, she would not have felt helpless to defend herself and thereforeeee lashed out and hit him.

 

 

So she defended herself against his harmful words with her fist, and you think that is justified? I know plenty of women who could break a mans nose, bust his lip or even knock out a few teeth. Comparing a punch to the face and a slap on the arm is another poor example of your perception about what is OK. A man is tougher thereforeeee..... What a double standard you are using. I've worked with battered women and battered men and I'm offended at your misconception and lack of universal understanding of the domestic violence. Watch "Snapped" on Oxygen. Do you realize that the escalation cycle of domestic violence is blind to gender?

 

RC

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"But I do think that it is his fault the relationship is destroyed"

 

Sorry, I just do not buy this, it takes two to tango. She needs to take responsiblity for her actions (which in her first post, she did not, IMO) or lack there of and her boyfriend needs to take responsibility for his. This is quite a toxic relationship and the botton line is, they bring out the worst one another, IMO.

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