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Getting her back can sometimes be more about you than her!


Gator
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Is this about them or is this about you?

 

One thing that I am beginning to realize is "getting her back" might be more about my pride and ego than being with such a "wonderful" and glorious woman. I don't like to be rejected, I am used to being in control of my life. I consider myself a great catch and I think any woman would be lucky to have me.

 

There were times during our relationship where I thought about breaking up with her and sincerely worried that I might destory her emotionally. During these times, which usually were fleeting, I decided to stick it out.

 

Funny how when she dumped me, I was blind to those times. Like an amnesiac, I forgot who I was and all that was wrong with the relationship. I can't believe how once she rejected me and told me she was dating someone else, all of these automatic reaction patterns were activated in me -- rationalization, justification, bargaining, unrealistic glorification of our relationship, etc. All I could think about was getting her back. Like some crazed computer program, I could think of only one mission - must get her back. The algorithm - "If rejected, then do everything you can to make her yours again."

 

My ego said, "Hey man, you are the one that was supposed to break up with her, how could you let her get away with this?"

 

It's time to take back control of my mind and heart. It's time to stop running on automatic pilot. One thing that we always have, no matter what, is the choice of how to interpret and respond to any situation.

 

Ahh, gettin down and dirty with personal growth.

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I think its more about you.. For example its weird I sold a car I once owned I was tired of it and hated it.. I saw the guy driving it who I sold it too and I immediately got this feeling like "hey that's my car, I want it back" weird!!

 

I have been rejected by other women before and never gave a rats * * *.. I think its being rejected by someone you love and never thought they would leave..

 

Lets say you have a car and you're not paying the note.. You know you should give the car up, its not yours you will do every thing in your power to keep it(well a lot of people)and even when the repo man takes it you still gt angry.. Well if you took care of it and paid the notes he wouldn't be there in the first place!!

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I think a deeper point is being missed here...

 

I feel there is something inherently misguided in the notion of "getting someone back". It comes accross as too much of an objective, a goal. The focus is placed too heavily on the transitory period of the "mission" of "getting" her back. But do we think about (including myself, believe me) is what happens after you are back together? She is still the same person and no matter what you think so are you. And something happened to cause the split in the first place...has that issue been fully addressed by both people?

 

You can't go back, you can't undo history nor the underlying reasons which caused such history to take place. You can't just say, "Hey! I figured out what I did wrong! I won't do that anymore and we'll live happily ever after!" A while you may not feel exactly that way, the vulnerability and the associated self-blame connected to the detachment of loss of connectedness whispers something like this to you at least...

 

I don't think there is a "back" nor a notion of "getting her". She is her own person and she must want reconciliation as much as you if the new relationship you have together will ultimately succeed. The notion of "getting" someone back, to me, is one-sided...

 

My experience with these situations leads me to believe once things are done they are done. Unless both people absolutely can't stand not being together for a long period of time and the issue which caused the break-up is one that can be addressed, worked on, and both people want to work on it...leave it be...

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Good point to bring up Gator. ANd my answer is..(drum roll)

 

It is about you not them.

 

It took me some time when i went through my divorce to finally see that i was still unhappy with out her as i thought i was with her. I a mnot talking about break up blues either, I mean unhappy to my core.

 

Part of my reason had some of my own personal denial mixed in .. I wanted her back because i believed at one point it was only her that can make me happy!!! (Brando falls to the floor laughing..pounding his fist on the carpet as well(for emphasis))

 

So it taught me so much to seek these answers out.

 

I think it's important to ask that question about a lot of things... thinking deep on it, you will not only learn the answer, you will learn a lot about yourself.

 

Good call NJRON.. good insight.

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Wow frisco.. I must have missed the whole point of this thread then...

 

I read the whole "is this about me or is this about them" thing.. although now I read the title carefully and I see that there was a freudian slip there... perhaps you are right... all I know is that it is almost always about "you" and not about "them" even when you think it's about "them".

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Wow Gator,reading everything you wrote, really struck something in me.

I too am trying to fugurethings out right now, however everthing is in his hand,and im acting like a pathetic fool, wanting him so back, however i have always questioned in my mind, did i really think he was the one?and honestly everyone tells me that you just know, well i spent over 2 years with this man always questioning this,however not ending the releationship, as nothing was really wrong with it, and now that he isnt sure about me, its driving me crazy.

 

reality.......

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Frisco i miised your post as i was writing mine...

 

Very good observation.

 

A want of the old relationship simply will not due. Their is no getting back but a starting anew. If both parties are whole heartedly willing to committ to the relationship, willing to forgive for past hurts and breaks, and actually having had spent some time healing form those inflictions.

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Wow frisco.. I must have missed the whole point of this thread then...

 

I read the whole "is this about me or is this about them" thing.. although now I read the title carefully and I see that there was a freudian slip there... perhaps you are right... all I know is that it is almost always about "you" and not about "them" even when you think it's about "them".

 

I feel there are 3 separate and unique parts to a relationship: 1) person "A", 2) person "B", and 3) the relationship you have together. You can have two absolutely wonderful people separately but together...it just ain't right... Conversely, I'm sure you've seen couples where you say, "How can they be together?????" Sometimes things like that just "work"...

 

What I think a lot of people (myself included) miss is the importance and uniqueness of part #3, the relationship.

 

So to answer the original question at face value...it isn't about you or them...it is about what you have together...

 

See, people are material, they are present, they are there. A relationship is abstract, you aren't able to touch it, it's not material. It is much easier and more understandable to place responsibility, blame, etc. for the relatively abstract nature of a relationship on something concrete, i.e., the people themselves, but really...a lot of it is out of their hands I think...

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In my experience, as soon as people start focusing on a third element... e.g. The Relationship (though it could be another person entirely... or a car payment for all that matters) ... that's about the time things start hitting the fan.

 

There is person A... and there is person B... and, quite frankly, that's it.

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all I know is that it is almost always about "you" and not about "them"

 

Now that depends very much on who "they" and "you" are. in my case, no it was about her and her baggage. I screwed up early (in an understandable and nice way, like "I love you" because I did) but it was about her. No question.

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sometimes, when I find myself wanting an ex back, I ask myself, "do I really want my ex back, or do i just miss having a regular date for friday and saturday nights? If another guy came along, and started asking me out regularly, and he was cool and fun to hang out with and I liked him, would i actually MISS my ex?"

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Hey Red queen,

 

 

Did you read the book by that name? I heard it was a good one.

 

Oh,, I know I can do it, I just like to get my thoughts out, very therapeutic, you know.

 

Yes I most certainly did, and yes it was a very good one.

 

People tend to underestimate the importance of themselves, in all respects I believe. In my opinion, you act as the number one agent in your life, you are responsible for your actions, and though it is true there are an infinite amount of variables/agents whose actions you happen to have no control over, at the very least and at the very most, you have control over the way you react to these actions.

 

Looking back at my past, I've come to realize that every crappy relationship that I have been in, has had something directly to do with the crappy relationship I was having with myself at that time. For some sick and twisted reason, we like to manifest our personal issues into our "perfect" partners. Perhaps we do this to justify our issues, i.e., since all my exes were a-holes, there was nothing wrong with me, just something wrong with them. Who knows, I lost my train of thought, but good luck anyway.

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  • 2 years later...

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