My Big Mistake, I broke NC, but at least I have closure now

[ArchToronto]

Ok my ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago. The first two weeks or so I did not have closure but eventually I realized everything was outta my hands so I need to move on since I thought its final, she lost her feelings for me and I can't do anything else.

 

So I was moving on, then slowly she starts to email me sayin how she misses me and wanted to call me. To make things short after 3 emails, I finally met up with her and I brought up the emails and how I thought she wanted to get back, but she's the type of shy, stubborn girl that won't bring it up straight. She told me, ya she did miss me and wanted to get back thats why she wrote those emails. I then asked her how does she currently feel and she said that seeing how I've moved on, she's moving on too.

 

Ever since that last meeting which was like 2 weeks ago, the closure that I thought I had opened up again. I kept thinking, "Did she wanted to get back but knowing how her personality is, she might be too stubborn, or embarrassed to say something" ....She probably sees that I'm moving on so she doesn't want to bother.

 

So it was killing me thinking about it and I kept thinking about the issue for the past two weeks then finally I made up my mind that I'm gonna talk to her one last time for closure. I didn't care that if it looks desperate on my part, or if I'm wrong, what matters is that I rather do it if you want to save something you truly, rather than not do it and regret it later in the future.

 

So I called her up the other day and expressed my true feelings, no more playing games, no more acting strong, and I told her the same thing, that whatever she feels she should let me know especially if she wanted to get back cause its now or never. She told me she didnt wanted to get back. Now that I know for sure I can finally not boggle my mind over it anymore. So now technically I am starting NC all over again, hopefully she doesn't email me or anything cause then I dunno how I would feel or respond.

[heloladies21]

That's good that you have no doubt now. You did good. Now if she makes contact, I would cut all the small talk and get right to the point and ask her "what's your reason for contacting me?" If you get any other answer other than "i want to get back together" restate your position that you only want to keep in touch if you're going to work towards a relationship, otherwise please don't contact.

[tylercdurden2004]

That's good that you have no doubt now. You did good. Now if she makes contact, I would cut all the small talk and get right to the point and ask her "what's your reason for contacting me?" If you get any other answer other than "i want to get back together" restate your position that you only want to keep in touch if you're going to work towards a relationship, otherwise please don't contact.

 

 

Tis is going to open it all up again. She stated she doenst want to get back together, so move on. If she says later on that she wants to get back together my guess she is either too stubborn for her own good after you laid it out for her plain and simple or shes playing games. Forget about her and find someone who is good in the head. Do not contact her.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

AT, it sounds like she was reeling you in and only to tell you that she didn't want you. She was just checking to see if you were on the line maybe. That's not very cool. And yes you should stick with your original plan and avoid contact with her. Now would be a good time to employ your 'Caller ID'.

[annie24]

I agree with teddybear. I think she just wanted to know if you were "there." I've seen plenty of women do this. I asked one woman why she kept around her ex, even though she broke up with him, and he really wanted to get back with her. She said, "just in case I change my mind up about him someday and I want to get back together." I said, "do you want to get back together?" She said, "no, not now. but maybe in the future, I'll change my mind, and I'd like to have him around just in case."

 

blah.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Oooh... I know a woman who left her great husband whom she had 3 kids with. She runs around with bunch of other guys (now she's marrying one soon, who she just had a kid with) She still keeps her ex-husband *close* at hand, (on a short leash you could say). Always using the kids as a big guilt trip, too. Thinks she still owns him and he shouldn't see anyone else, she should call and he should jump. It really makes me sick. Aaargg!

[ArchToronto]

Update:

 

It is now day 3 of NC. I blocked her name on my msn list but haven't deleted it yet (i know i should soon). Anyways she was online and for a minute next to her name was "-I miss you".

 

I dunno what to make of it, is that msg for me or does she have someone else, but i doubt it is the latter. The msg was on for only a minute then she got rid of it. I dunno if she knew i was online but blocked her or what. But i'm ignoring it regardless.

[blender]

If you ever want a chance with her, or for yourself to heal without her, then the answer to both is NO CONTACT.

 

Mark a date on the calendar and promise yourself that even if she emails you will maintain "no contact" until that date, then when the day comes, choose another future date to still maintain "no contact" until... this actually works, it gives us the control we are so feeling a loss of when our hearts are broken, you can challenge yourself to no contact, after all you have to do this for YOU.

 

It is now time to define yourself as a man worthy of an honest, open, loyal, committed love, YOU are in control of ONLY yourself. So for today as much as it hurts, just promise yourself that you will have enough self respect to choose to respond to her "actions" and not her "words". Talk is cheap. if the "i miss you" next to her name IS meant for you, than perfect "no contact" will give her the chance to actually miss you... so NO CONTACT.

 

Be proud of the fact that you were willing to take the risk of your heart and call her as you did, it's okay, you found out where she stands, so be careful now to BELIEVE IT, as painful as it is, do NOT try to read between the lines... stick with the "facts" and not your "feelings'. Your feelings are overwhelming right now, but I promise in time they will start to ease up, the more you focus on yourself instead "her, us, we", the better off you will be, it just take time.

 

Acceptance is key, it's the resistance that causes us most of our prolonged heartache. Fate is guiding you onto a new path, and perhaps it may cross with hers again in the future but for now, look ahead, don't stare in the rearview mirror, it only causes us to crash.. over and over again.. look ahead and you'll see the best is right up the hill, you just can't see it unless you are willing to use the muscle and hard work to climb to the top...that is the healing process...

 

SHE DOES NOT GET THE PRIVILIAGE of having any contact with you. It'll take her awhile to realize you are REALLY GONE, and then and ONLY then will she be able to think clearly about her feelings for you and if they are something she is willing to pursue, this is the BEST thing for you as well.

 

Let us know how you are doing, I know how difficult this is.. best, blender

[ArchToronto]

thanks everyone for the replies. All of you are correct and I know it too.

Especially you blender...everything you said is true and useful

 

...Anyways an update to the story:

 

The day after my previous update, she (the ex) went online more often and beside her name she put up the personal message "i miss u" again but this time she left it on. I'm usually appeared offline and when I am on messenger to talk to my friends, she is blocked anyways so she hasn't seen me online for almost a week.

[blender]

Good for you! You're doing the right thing, do NOT have any contact with her, you're doing so well, one day at a time. Keep her blocked, it's best for today. She will now have the chance to actually feel what life is like without having you just "waiting". Let this time go.. one day at a time, and you will start to feel some personal strength and self respect, this is an opportunity for you... and although you are hurting, it's best to stay out of the way so she can actually see the results of her behavior towards you... hang in there, we're all here for you, and have been where you are now, the reward will be yours, you will be fullfilled by taking care of you first. best always, blender

[ArchToronto]

An Update:

 

I am now on day 7 of NC and it has been over 1.5 months since the breakup. I was doing fine this weekend, up until earlier tonight. It was around 11 pm and I saw her log on msn and next to her name was the same msg "I miss u". I still had her blocked.

 

Last week when she wasn't blocked, I went online and neither of us message each other. However I saw her display picture and it was her at this summer fair here in toronto. If you use msn messenger, you know that the picture is small like a 96x96 pixel, so I saw her standing next to this guy holding a child around 6-8 yrs old, at first I didn't recognized the guy but looking at it closely I could make out that it was her dad and the small boy was probably her small cousin from europe that came over to visit since she told me about relatives visiting in the summer prior to our breakup.

 

When I first saw her her display pic, I thought it was weird because she always had a picture of a bear or whatever, never a picture of herself or anything. My display pic at the time was just of my face and I know she clicked on my name to look at my picture just as I did hers. I first thought maybe she changed her picture to show that she is still in control and she is doing fine without me because a few weeks ago she found out through a friend that I had a display picture of me and this female with me at a club and she(the ex) was wondering who she was. In the end I didn't think about it too much because if its her dad in the pic it didn't bothered me.

 

But tonight even though I still had her blocked, I was curious so I managed to look at her display picture through another msn account and I saw that it was her standing, and in front was a guy about our age with his arms stretch out I guess for the camera. At first my heart was pounding because I admit I am not over her completely and thinking that she is out with another guy would get to me. After looking at the picture longer, I realized I think that its the same day when she went to the summer fair since the setting looks the same and also she was wearing the same clothes. Also it wasn't as though they were standing next to each other or hands around each other, it was more of a having fun picture. I thought about it and told myself that its probably just her cousin from Europe also but im not 100% sure but im pretty sure though since it all makes sense, and also I don't think she would go out with a guy on the same day her parents are there but who knows.

 

So I was kind of satisfied and relieved that most likely the guy in the display picture tonight was her cousin so then I went to lie down ready to goto sleep. But then I was thinking about her and then I couldn't sleep so that is why I am typing this now. I thought about it and to me its strange...because why would she have a display picture like that. It also got me thinking maybe she has that display picture hoping that I would log on and see it and if that is the case what significance would that do? ALSO why does she have "i miss u" next to her name? Or does she have display pictures like that to show to her friends that she is moving on and having fun? Who knows. But so far, she hasn't seen me log on since last week so as far as she knows, I haven't seen her recent display picture even though she knows mostly likely I saw her name with the "i miss u" message.

 

Anyways I know that I shouldn't be over analysing it too much but I can't help it so I just want to know what you make of it?

[heloladies21]

This is the toughest thing for most people to do, to step back and take a look at the big picture instead of overanalyzing every little thing.

 

The major fact is that she said she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Any little hints dropped are completely meaningless even if they have anything to do with you at all. The only way you would take anything she says seriously is if she came to you in a very direct manner and said "I've reconsidered and want you back", but that hasn't happened yet. So don't buy into false hope, it's just background noise and she made her position known very clear by not being with you right now.

[Spawn]

Arch don't get so obsessed with the way she puts up her images on msn. No contact is not no contact unless u stop all this. So for your own good kindly delete her from msn. You have to move on bro....or u get stuck in this loop for ever.

 

Don't waste more time on this....work on you.

[ArchToronto]

Thanks both of you for the replies. Before i posted that I knew in my heart that I shoudn't be overanalysing things but I guess I was curious and I couldn't help myself.

 

Well during work today, after thinking about it and talking to a co worker and my sister they both have confirmed what I knew all along but didn't admit it because like I said I was curious.

 

Here's my thought and perspective on this whole thing now. She is probably putting her display pictures up for me to be curious ON PURPOSE so that way I will still be thinking about her. The same thing goes for her "i miss u" name thing, its all part of her games, which I will not play.

 

As for the part about the guy in the picture either being a date or her cousin, now I don't even care anymore because would it make a difference which one it is?

 

I have tried everything I can and her last answer was she is moving on and does not want to get back so thereforeeee any signals from her is useless and childish. I will be the bigger person and not play along with her games.

 

I know that my next big step in this NC process would to delete her from my msn but right now I am not ready yet, I dont know why but eventually that day will be.