I dont know what my problem is

[renaissancewoman101]

My mother is mad at me about my weight and ranted at me really badly this morning. What do I do, go buy a complete rib dinner, some watermelong, a piece of cheesecake, and a grande caramel frappachino.

 

My mom decided to go off on me really bad this morning about my weight. She says I am a disgrace to her and how can she bring me places that her friends might see me since I am so fat. As of now, she DOESNT want to bring me to this wedding in Sept. It's a wedding for the son of a family friend. She says I am too fat and I am a embarrassment to her. We got into an argument this morning, and I went back down to San Diego even though I was supposed to spend the day with my mom and aunt.

 

Yes, I am upset about my weight but when I got down here, I proceeded to buy myself a rib dinner from a restaurant, some watermelon, a piece of cheesecake, and a nice grande caramel frappachino. This is going to make me GAIN more weight but I dont care. I dont understand it. I am BUYING food to eat when my mother is GETTING on my case about my weight and ripping into me. I should NOT be eating that much but I am going to. It is as though the more I feel fat and that I should lose weight, the more I want to eat.

 

I'm weird.

 

I am 4'5" and I weigh about 125 lbs. When I first moved back here, I weighed about 115. My avatar is pretty recent so that is how I look now.

[Tigris]

I think your avatar looks great! I already told you that in a PM. I think it makes you look younger.

 

Is there anyway that you can move out of the house? Being around her sounds a bad thing to me.

 

I also know why you're eating more. You're doing it because it's comfort food. I've done the same in the past.

 

In the back of my mind I seem to remember you saying something about you having illnesses/disabilities. Can you remind me what they are please?

[renaissancewoman101]

Tigris, I dont live with my parents. I am 33 and have been living on my own since I was 18. I used to see my parents only about twice a year since I lived 3000 miles from them. Only recently did I move back to CA and I now live about 2 hours drive from them.

 

The only major illness I have is asthma and allergies. I also have some spinal problems in my upper spine (where the vertebrae is pushing into my spine and causing me numbness and tingly sensations) but I need surgery to correct that and I am not looking to do that right now.

[FoxLocke]

RenWoman, from what I've read about your mother she seems so overly critical of you. First she complains that you are too short(what are you supposed to do, grow?!), and now she is taking shots at your weight?

 

I would tell you to tell her to go jump in a lake, but she's your mother...and that your place to say what you feel to her.

We want our parents to love and accept us, and sometimes we become masochistic in the process...Now you have turned to comfort yourself with food, which can be self destructive.

 

Since you are an adult I believe that you should stand up to your mother. Don't run to food for consolation...Tell her how you feel, and how you demand to be treated with respect and dignity. Regardless of her being your mother she should still respect you as a human being.

[coollady1957]

Tigris, I think Ren does live alone in an apartment and had just gone for a visit to her parents house.

 

Ren,I think you look great myself and have commented before on how much I like this new avatar of yours.

 

I really hate that your mom is giving you such a hard time with all the negative comments. I wish she were not being so judgemental with you in such a harsh manner, because that only makes things worse.

 

I would certainly limit my time if I were you , about being around your mom if she is going to speak so badly to you about your weight. I can't see anyway whatsoever that she should be calling you a disgrace because of your weight.

 

I don't really understand her reasoning behind jumping on you all the time about your size. Makes no sense.

[DN]

If I were you I would tell your mother that you love her and don't want to not see her but if her constant criticism and negativity doesn't cease you won't be willing to maintain a relationship.

[Relationship Coach]

RW,

Tell your mom the negativity she is feeding you is packed with carbs and fat, it's her fault! Or maybe you can tell her your meth habit and the stem-fast diet should be kicking in any day now and you'll be a stick person soon! I can say from meeting you personally that you are not overweight and your mother is being overly critical. Have another Starbucks and burn it off tomorrow.

 

RC

[Tigris]

If you're like me you'll get to the stage where you retaliate. I turned around to my mother and said, 'I never asked to be born!' That hurt deeply and she started to cry. I didn't like doing it but there's a saying, 'You have to be cruel to be kind.' I never had any trouble about the weight issue again.

 

If I was in your shoes I'd retaliate by saying, 'The reason I'm like this is because I carry your genes and my father's. If I'm not good enough the blame falls at your feet!' Then I'd just leave the aftermath behind and go home. I might cry on my way home but I definitely wouldn't let her see my weakness.

 

You have to decide whether you want to continue like this until your Mother dies or do something about it now? I know it's a hard choice but we're only given one life and we have to do the best with it we can.

 

If you ever just want to vent, whatever, PM me.

 

Before anyone starts shooting me down I'd better explain something. I'm the peacemaker in my family. I've always been the child that never answered back, always respected my elders, never had tantrums or arguments, etc. I can go for years without saying a wrong word to my siblings, parents or friends.

 

The neighbours of my grandparents and parents always commented on how different I was to the rest of my family and how much they like me, etc. And that I don't hold grudges against people.

The problem is I've learnt to control my temper because when I blow like a volcano everyone realises they're in trouble and I've had enough.

[renaissancewoman101]

I only see my parents very rarely about once a month. I used to only see them about two or three times a year when I lived in Wisconsin. Aside from her constantly getting on my case about my height and my weight, I do love my mother a lot and I care about her. She had just come back from Hong Kong earlier this week and my dad just went on a business trip so I wanted to check up on her.

 

I am not going back up for awhile. I know I shouldnt eat so much but what I dont understand is WHY I am so motivated to eat. Like this morning, mom went off the deep end about my weight issues and what she was saying to me and about me, almost made me want to cry. So, I left and drove back home, feeling bad about myself and my weight. What did I do when I got home, went and bought MORE food and ate quite well. This is NOT going to make me lose weight, might make me gain more, and will NOT endear me to my mother.

 

My mom is nervous right now because she wants me to go to this damn wedding in the Fall. My mom's friends (whom she hangs out with on a weekly basis) all know that I moved back to CA and am eager to see how I am, like how I look. These are the friends who use to tell my mother that they felt sorry for her for having such a tiny daughter like ME. They pitied my mother for my height and that would anger her so much. I DONT like my mother's friends but she is close to them. They also used to make fun of me to my mother saying that, because I was so small, I woud never meet a guy.

[Tigris]

Oh I forgot to mention that I wouldn't visit my parents for weeks and then I'd return as though nothing was wrong and see how that visit went. If I felt uncomfortable I'd make an excuse why I had to leave and then not visit them for another 6 weeks.

[renaissancewoman101]

Tigris, I agree with you. I dont plan on visiting for a while.

 

BTW, thanks everybody for your votes of confidence. I looked at my avatar again and personally I dont think I look fat, although I could stand to lose a few pounds. I just wish people didnt see beauty as in how thin a person is. Living in CA, I see so many people walking around looking like stick figures and looking bulemic.

[Tigris]

How about turning upto the wedding with a boyfriend that will soon put them in their places?

[Daddy Bear]

mothers are nice to have, but they're not always right. you don't look at all unhealthy in your avvie. in fact, i think it's kinda cute.

 

do you think that your foodfest may have had anything to do with quietly asserting your individuality and your confidence in your own decision-making abilities?

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Tell her that while you love her and appreciate her "concern", you would prefer that she keep her thoughts about your physical self to herself as it causes you to feel badly when she discusses it.

[Beyondthesea]

My mother is also overly critical of me, and you know what? Eventually I made it known to her that if her criticism didn't stop, we would no longer have a relationship.

 

She has also been really critical of my wedding plans, and I outright told her that if she was paying for the wedding, she would be allowed to complain. Until then, she could come, shut up and enjoy herself and I made it clear that if she decided she would like to criticise, she didn't have to attend.

 

I wouldn't talk to her again for some time. The next time she calls, ignore it. Make sure she realizes that you don't have to tolerate such behavior from her or anyone. I don't care who it is, relative or not.

[Tigris]

For the first time in my life I'm happy with my body because my Fiancee fluffy_girdlebuns loves me the way I am. I say I'm fat and she says I'm not. I'm 17st and 5'6". I've had problems with my weight for years! If you look through my family and distant relatives you can see where the gene came from. The good thing is I'm taller than a lot of them.

 

I said I was happy with my body earlier...well I've got a problem and may need everyone's support soon. I've found 2 lumps in my left breast! The doctor's confirmed them and I have to go to the hospital 17th for scans etc. I have Fibromyalgia Syndrome and that makes pain 10x worse for me and they want to stick a needle in me for a biopsy. I hate needles! I'm frightened.

 

I'm sorry I shouldn't have posted this here.

[renaissancewoman101]

SB, thanks for your vote of confidence. I also think Tigris hit it on the spot, I eat as a "comfort" thing since I feel unsure of myself after hanging out with my mother. Personally, I dont think I am ugly but after hanging out with mother, my thoughts about myself tend to get on the critical side.

 

Tigris, dont even GO there. My mother is also on this kick of setting me up with an "appropriate" guy. I think that is also why she was mad at me today. She has been trying to hook me up with the son of this couple who co-own a Chinese restaurant with my uncle. My mother was mad at me today because of my weight and because she apparently wanted me to meet these people's son today since they were stopping by the house. She only told me that this morning after she went on a rampage about my weight. Consequently, she is NOT happy with me for just leaving like that since I was supposed to go out to dinner with all of them tonight.

 

My mother has never been happy with my choice in men and with me not having a bf, she has taken it upon herself to try and set me up with someone.

[renaissancewoman101]

Tigris, I am sorry to hear about that. I hope everything turns out ok. If you need support, you can always come here. I know I do. This place has a lot of good people.

[Tigris]

Good for you!!!

 

I'd have loved to have seen your Mother's face when you walked out of the house and she realised she was going to have to face them alone. That'll teach her.

 

Isn't it funny how she's just contradicted herself. First of all she complains about your weight and then she tells you she's arranged for you to go out to dinner.

 

I suppose there's logic in there somewhere.

 

Maybe you should drop a few hints that you're thinking of moving a long long way away again. Then she'll realised how much she missed you last time.

 

Does she pick faults with your father like she does to you? Could it be your Aunt that puts her upto this?

[renaissancewoman101]

Actually, she and my dad dont get along. They are one of those couples that stayed married because of the kids. My dad loves her a lot but he also avoids her a lot. He spends a lot of time at the office, doing research, etc. He also goes on business trips to avoid her. When they are both home, my dad spends most of his time in the study. My parents, esp my dad, are a lot happier when they are apart. Just last weekend I went up to see my dad (my mom was still in Hong Kong). My dad was in a good mood, preparing for his business trip, and we went out to dinner together and had a good time.

 

My aunt actually is the peacemaker. She tries to get my mom to lay off of me. This morning, my aunt was still asleep when my mom decided to lay into me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am a size 10-12 and have been for many years. I am very large chested and have the classic Marilyn Monroe, hourglass figure. My mother always saw me as overweight (I was even put on a diet when I was in grade 3). All the time I was growing up, I would hear comments about my weight from her or my grandfather (her father). My grandfather would see me and ask if I put on weight, how would I attract men if I was fat. Througout the time I lived at home, I was put on diets or told I was overweight. When I moved away from home, one time I went back home to visit and my mother told me "I want you to lose some weight". My response: I told her that I am living on my own now and that I will lose weight when I am good and ready to lose weight and that I don't want to hear about it anymore. After that, she never hassled me about it again, however, to this day I see her giving me the look up and down and making subtle comments about whether the clothes I am wearing suit me or not. I just ignore it.

 

If your mother is ashamed of your weight, that is her problem. She should be proud of you and your accomplishments. When she insults you about your weight and says she is ashamed of you, you should tell her how hurtful and inappropriate she is and that your body is your business not hers. You can tell her that if she is ashamed of you because of your weight and she can't see beyond that, that is her problem to deal with, not yours.

[MI_Shell]

Could it be that we are hardwired to expect love and acceptance from our parents and when you get such cruel criticism it would not be beyond understanding to turn to food as a comfort.

I would say it is your mother withthe problem. If you ever decided to shed the odd kilo I would do it for you not to please your mother because such people can be impossible to please. You look tip top in your avatar anyway, gosh.

I would not listen to the negative nonsense and be proud of who you are.

[Tigris]

I'm curious to know what your Mother actually looks like. Have you got a photo of her you could put on here?

 

By any chance do you take after your Father's build? I'm thinking about what you said earlier that he prefers being apart from her.

[itsallgrand]

Ren,

 

Just let it go. So you had a rib dinner, etc. No point beating yourself up about it.

 

I think you look great in that avatar. Very cheeky - I love it!

 

I grew up with the kind of criticism you are talking about. Instead of my weight/height though, my mom picked on other things. She is still prone to it when I see her. Isn't amazing how our mothers can make us feel like little girls again sometimes?? It can hurt bad.

 

It really isn't about you when she criticisizes like that. It IS her problem.

Maybe that is the only way she knows how to express her worries and caring!!

Crazy, I know, but that is the conclusion i've come to with my mom.

She loves me - but she just doesn't have a clue, or chooses not to act on the clue, that her criticism is deeply cruel.

 

You might want to bring up your emotional eating and stuff about your mom to your therapist. That is what s(he) is there for! To help work through all this self-defeating stuff.

 

Really proud of you, Ren. Just give yourself a break on this one, eh. We all indulge occasionally.