What do you do when he brainwashes the kids?

[Rubiez]

Hi all~ I need help. My husband and I split up about a month ago, and are in the process of getting a divorce. We have 2 daughters, the oldest is mine from a previous marriage that he's raised since she was 14 months. I believe strongly that we need to keep the kids out of our divorce as much as possible and assure them that although we are not in love with each other we both still love the kids.

 

My kids have been with their father for the past 2 weeks and visiting me on the weekends as it is summer break. Once they go back to school they will hardly be able to see their father. He is staying at a friend's house for now, and the children visit him there. They love being there, they have a great time. They came back to me this weekend and they acted a little quiet and withdrawn. My oldest has been crying nonstop. I asked them what was wrong and little by little they began to tell me all the bad things their father and his friends have been saying about me.

 

He blames me completely for the divorce, and told the kids that "mommy kicked him out of the house" which is just not true. I don't think the kids need to know all the gory details behind the divorce, nor should they feel they should have to pick sides. He believes that they need to know everything including our financial problems. They were afraid to buy a box a cereal at the store because it was "too expensive" My 5 year old also thinks she is too fat "daddy's friends say she eats too much" is what she told me.

 

How is the best way to handle this? I have tried to talk to my soon to be ex husband about this but he denies that any of this is happening. I don't' want to bad mouth my soon to be ex in front of the kids, but this is getting really hard not to do. My oldest thinks everything is my fault and is beginning to hate me. I am at fault, I'll admit it, but not for the reasons he is telling her. I don't know what to tell the kids. I don't want to damage them or their relationship with their father.

[Relationship Coach]

This is a common issue when dealing with a divorce. One party uses the kids as a conduit to deliver hurtful shots to the other party. Your lawyer needs to address this issue right away with him or his attorney. In most divorces which involve children, it is written in to the parenting agreement that disparaging remarks such as this will not be made in front of the children. Your husband is obviously hurt and lashing out but he is putting his feelings before the kids and that is sad. Speak with your lawyer and try to explain to your kids that their daddy is upset doesn't mean what he is saying. Co-parenting is a tough thing to do when only one parent is acting like an adult.

 

RC

[DN]

Are you sure that he is saying these things or is it just his friends repeating what he told them?

 

But if he can't afford stuff for them they do need to know that. It is no good hiding financial problem from kids and pretending all is well when it is not. They will soon find out the truth one way or the other.

 

I suggest you talk to your husband about this as calmly and rationally as possible before bringing a lawyer into the situation, particularly one who may may matters worse not better. There are counselors who specialise in this sort of issue and may be able to help.

 

It is true that he should not be telling the kids all the details of the break-up but they do need to know some of what happened so they are not left wondering. It is true that you asked for the divorce, albeit for good reason, the kids would be certain to find that out as well.

 

If you can persuade your husband to work together on this for the sake of the kids and agree what to tell them (especially that you both still love them) then it may make things better.

 

I would suggest words like 'brainwash' are probably not the best to bring into any sort of conversation with youe husband or the children.

 

p.s. why is it that he moved out of the house when you are the one who wanted the divorce?

[melrich]

I agree with RelationshipCoach. Draw up a formal parenting agreement. Ensure that both parties are advised not to bad mouth the other.

 

This of course will not mean that it won't still happen but at least he is formally advised that the behaviour is not acceptable.

 

Never respond by bad mouthing the kids father. If the kids keep confronting you with things he says then be honest with them. Tell them why you divorced and explain to them that maybe dad is finding it hard to accept and that he is just lashing out a bit.

 

The best thing you can do with kids is be completely honest.

[Rubiez]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm trying like mad to make this as painless as possible for all involved. I agree the kids need to know the truth, but I am trying to handle it in such a way so as not to bad mouth my ex. That's what I am having a hard time with, choosing my words carefully. I don't want them to feel they need to choose sides at all, and I definetly don't want them to feel guilty for wanting to be with him or me.

 

The reason he moved out of the house when I asked for the divorce is we both wanted the girls to stay in the same school district, and there was no question that the girls would reside with me. My ex works the graveyard shift during the weekends which makes him having the girls full time nearly impossible.

 

I have been trying to approach this subject with my ex, explaining to him that regardless of how mad we are at each other, we need to be united in front of the kids. for example, I will not let my kids talk back to their father in front of me, nor will I allow them to say bad things. All I want is the the same kind of respect back. He gets so defensive when I bring this subject up, I'm trying to figure out a way to broach this subject without him feeling like he's being attacked. I have made an appointment with a counselor this week, I'm hoping she can help me with this. In the meantime, if anyone else has suggestions, please let me know. Thanks!

[AutumnBorn]

You deal with this by being supportive and understanding. All you have to do is remain steadfast in your belief that the children shouldn't be subjected to the details of the divorce.

 

My sister's divorce went the same way. Her husband poisoned the children against her and her relationships with them were heavily damaged, but she remained true to her beliefs. It took a couple of years, but the children realized what their father was doing (manipulating them) and now refuse to speak with him. In the end, it destroyed his relationship with his children, not hers.

 

Stay true to your beliefs and resist any urge to burden your children further with details, even if it's to clear things up. They are children and cannot understand how memories can be distorted by pain and anger. You'll be their touchstone, in the end.

[confusedmama]

I am sooo sorry you are having to deal with this. I also deal with on a weekly basis. I continue to hope it will get better, but so far I've had little luck.

 

In the beginning I did as you are-telling very little to the kids and no bad mouthing their father. I still stick to the no bad-mouthing but I have started telling the truth when they come to me with statements he has made. It is still difficult for me to do this, but I do feel they need to know the truth ( and I try really reallly hard not to be sarcastic or self-rightous when I tell them).

 

Good luck. It would be nice if ALL adults could act like adults, especially when dealing with their children. But sometimes my ex is more childish than the boys.