One more chance, One More Time

[Gator]

She told me she wanted some space "to figure things out" about 3 months ago. I told her I thought it was a good idea, since we had not been getting along so well. We are separated by 100 miles, and when I would drive to see her on the weekends, she didn't seem happy to see me and we argued a lot.

 

She complained of a lack of emotional connection,which was magnified by the long distance. It was usually the same pattern. I would arrive on Friday night fairly late. We would play a little catch up, kind of feeling each other out, reacquanting ourselves. She would work on Saturday, we would either argue or get along really well on Sat night. Sunday we would feel really close again, and she would tell me she wished she I didn't have to go back, and I would agree.

 

Well, apparently, she couldn't deal with it anymore. I thought if I gave her space, she would realize that she wanted me, and we would be closer again. This happened to us once before in our 2 year relationship.

 

We still talked everyday, and remained the best of friends. Since we had a LDR, it felt like nothing had changed, except we weren't seeing each other on weekends.

 

2 weeks ago, I had a job interview in the same city where she lives. If I took the position, we could be together again (assuming we hadn't already broken up). I stayed at her house the night before the interview.

 

I was mad at her, because she was supposed to come up that weekend for the state fair (which we were going to go to as friends), but we got into a fight and she wound up not coming. So when I arrived at her house, she seemed really excited to see me, but I was still angry at her. She kept trying to get close to me, but I kind of gave her the cold shoulder. I was also stressed about the interview, so it was easy for me to be withdrawn.

 

She kept trying to draw me out, but I was resistant. We slept in the same bed, both naked, but I was on the very edge of the bed, reading. She kept trying to get close to me, but I was angry and stressed, so I continued with my book. I finally put the book down, and she went to spoon with me. I was rigid, and I did not reciprocate.

 

She felt this and with an exasperated sigh turned her back to me. This is how we slept. Both naked in the same bed, but I couldn't have been further from her, had I stayed at home 100 miles away.

 

The next AM, she was up before me, and she seemed withdrawn. We went to the gym, and she told me some reasons why she was unhappy in the relationship in the car. We discussed this a little, and she seemed content with my answer. She continued to try to be physically playful that day, but I didn't respond. We hugged goodbye and I left to go home.

 

We talked on the phone over the next few days just like before. Then a week later, she hit me with the news. She started dating someone else, a friend of hers and she just thought it fair that I know.

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I told her I had to get off the phone. I had been punched in the stomach, everything moved in slow motion. I was so sad and full of regret. Had I blown my final chance that day I was there? If only I would have known, I would have done things so differently. I would have kissed her, and hugged her, and told her what she meant to me. Now it was too late.

 

I called her a week later, and we talked and I told her I wanted her back, and she told me it was too late. She told me that when she went to spoon with me last week, it no longer felt right. I told her it didn't feel right because I was mad at her. She said she wished we would have had this conversation 3 months ago, but she had moved on and she suggested I do the same. I told her that I wished her well, but I couldnt be just her friend as she wished. I would have to cut off all contact for me to move on. There was silence on the other end of the phone and then a very very sad goodbye.

 

I can't believe she is no longer part of my life, she was my best friend, my confidant, I miss her so much and I just wish I had another chance.

S

[Hope75]

Hi Gator,

 

I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

 

We talked on the phone over the next few days just like before. Then a week later, she hit me with the news. She started dating someone else, a friend of hers and she just thought it fair that I know.

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I told her I had to get off the phone. I had been punched in the stomach, everything moved in slow motion. I was so sad and full of regret. Had I blown my final chance that day I was there? If only I would have known, I would have done things so differently. I would have kissed her, and hugged her, and told her what she meant to me. Now it was too late.

 

Reading this struck a cord in me. I'm going to ask you some hard questions, and I'm sorry if they sound harsh. Why would you have done things differently had you known? Because you don't want to be alone, or because you really love her and want to work it out? Because before this you didn't realize it was your last chance? What made this time different than any other, really?

 

It seems that you have both been unhappy in this relationship for a while, and you both HAD a chance to work on it together but neither were on the same page when you actually had time together. To me, if I knew my relationship was failing and I loved this person and wanted to work it out, I would have been putting all my efforts into that when I got to spend time with them.

 

You were rude to her because you were made that she missed a fair with you the week before.... those are things that need to be discussed at the time and let go, if a relationship is going to survive. Holding onto anger over petty little things like that, can be the death of a relationship-- as you are learning. She would act upset with you and fight when you would come down to see her on weekends, but then when it was time to leave, you both would be sad and not want to end it. Was there really love and respect there? Or just taking each other for granted for the company and comfort zone, and having that rather than being alone?

 

I can't believe she is no longer part of my life, she was my best friend, my confidant, I miss her so much and I just wish I had another chance.

 

It seems to me you both had plenty of chances....

 

I guess I just have trouble wrapping my head around the games you both played when you did get to see each other on weekends, if you really loved each other and wanted to work it out.

[Gator]

Hi Hope,

 

Wow, I think you are pretty accurate in a lot of the things you said. I also think I did have deep and profound feelings for her that will be very difficult to just shut off. There is a lot of ambivalence inside of me about this relationship. On the one hand, I was unhappy with a lot of things about her and the relationship. On the other hand, I think they were things that are somewhat normal and certainly resolveable.

 

Again, I seem to be glorifying the past in my mind, ever since she told me she is dating someone else. It is hard for me to know what the most accurate reality is. I truly believe there is no one true reality, but rather just perceptions of it. This is what makes it so hard. My perception before is different than my perception now. Maybe I am being motivated by feelings of hurt, jealousy, and loneliness and these feelings are coloring my perceptions and causing me to glorify our not so perfect relationship. Or maybe, when we were together and we were taking each other for granted, that colored my perceptions in an innaccurate way and thus I was not fully present and conscious in my actions and decisions.

 

Let me put it differently. Looking back on our times together, now that I have lost her to someone else, it is like changing the lens on a camera. All my memories are now being filtered through this lens of love lost, feelings of hurt, abandonment, jealousy, being alone, losing my best friend. When I replay those memories through this lens, they are different. My reality is different. I see things that I should have done, ways that I was neglectful, things that I regret. This lens also has the peculiar property of perfecting her. I am no longer angry at the petty things about her that bothered me. I no longer blame her for her moodiness, this lens says that I am the one to blame for her moodiness becuase I didn't give her what she needed and desired. Is this accurate, is this true ? Yes, if that is the lens that I am using.

 

If I change the lens, lets say I use the one I had on at the time before we initially broke up, the picture is a completely different one. Now the picture is one of her being moody and demanding and not being attentive to my needs. This picture is one of her selfishness and her not appreciating me. Is it accurate, is it real? It certainly was three months ago, but not now.

 

Its like when you watch a movie and there is a surpise twist at the end, and that twist changes everything. Now you have to replay the whole movie back through your mind taking into account this twist. Like Sixth Sense, from what I hear, I didn't see that one or Vanilla Sky or Phenomenon. I hope this makes sense, I think I can be somewhat confusing when I try to express these thoughts.

 

S

[kadvati79]

Mate I see so much similarity in what you said with my own situation. I saw all these warning bells but I just couldn't believe that it would result in us breaking up. I mean.... we always worked through things... we were a team right?

 

You haven't said alot about how you feel about her dating this new guy, but I suspect it is playing on your mind. My advice is - don't sweat it. Its a very bad idea for her to do that, it won't work, she isn't ready for it - its simply medication for the fact she can't be with you.

 

I really liked reading your posts.

[HeartAche]

I'm the same as icemotoboy, there's a lot of similarities with your situation and mine and I'm currently blaming myself for the relationship ending.

 

"If only I hadn't sent that text message in the heat of the moment just to try and get some attention from her, we'd probably still be together"

 

If only this, if only that. The bottom line is that she decided to end it, which, in turn means, she wasn't truly commited to the cause.

 

I'm very much like you in that I got annoyed with her over, what now seem like, silly little things. But at the time they were important to me. She was the most important thing in MY life why wasn't I in hers.

 

In a way I think your situation is slightly worse as you know that she's already seeing someone else. I think my ex already had another interest and some of the things that have happened since we split seem to backup my theories. However, I don't have 100% concrete proof and in a way I'm glad because I felt what you described when she said she didn't want to be with me anymore. If I knew she was with someone else I think I'd feel a million times worse.

 

All you can do, is what I'm trying to do, and that is not think about her. Try to keep yourself busy, even if it's only little things like a bit of household DIY, going to the gym or even something mundane like the washing and ironing. You won't be able to get her fully out of your head doing these things but it'll give you something else to think about.

 

Also try not to think about what she's up to. If you have to think of her, imagine that she's alone just watching telly or something. You're naturally going to assume that she's out there having a great time with her new guy (I know I am) but this isn't necessarily the case and I can pretty much guarantee that she's not having as much fun as you think she is.

 

Keep your chin up mate, we'll get through this together.

 

PS. I liked your lens analogy, it was very well written.

[Gator]

Icemotoboy ,

 

I read your through your posts and I also enjoyed reading them. You write well and seem like you have your * * * * together.

 

I see this pattern with you and with others dealing with this and myself. Its like the pain comes in waves. Just when you think things are going to be OK, something will cause you to think of the awesome times you had together and how that will never be again. This of course leads to a whole chain of memories that really cause you to ache with missing your partner. It's so hard to just erase her from my life. She was such an integral part of it, it feels so alien and wrong to just delete her from my world.

 

What hurts the most is thinking back to the "honeymoon" phase when we first met and things were so perfect. Those feelings that you finally found your soul mate and the anticipation of all the good times that the future holds. The times where everything is mysterious and you just love figuring each other out. Everything she does is so cute and so perfect.

 

And Now...she is having those feelings with someone else. I have been been replaced by another. All those thoughts and feelings are directed at another.

 

When I talked to her and I told her I want her back, I asked her if things were serious between her and the replacement. She replied that "she was enjoying her time with him." Later in the conversation, when I told her I want to try again, she said to me "don't you care that I am dating someone else?" I asked her what she meant by that, and I asked her if he was a rebound. She replied that if he was a rebound then she would have begun dating him 3 months ago. I told her that she could still have a rebound now. She said, "I don't want to get into details, but its not a rebound." What the hell does that mean? I really dont think she is playing games, she truly wants me as a friend and I know she hates hurting me, but the truth is I am hurt and I can't stand that she is with soemone.

[tretneo]

Hey Gator, I am not sure if you have read through any of my post or not but I recently lost my gf to another woman. It really doesn't make any difference to me whether she left me for a man or woman it still feels the same. I also noticed the pattern that you were talking about. I will go from being ok to being overwhelmingly sad and rejected. I also think back to the last 6 months or so and I realize that things were rocky. I did things similar to what you mentioned about being rigid or distant whenever I was mad about something that really didn't mean anything major but I made it a big deal at the time. I also seem to only be able to view the good things about our relationship and how perfect she was for me. These things make me very sad and almost makes me unable to see or feel anything about the two occasions that she was unfaithful to me this year.

 

I know exactly what you are going through, I am feeling the same things right now and it is very painful. I hope you are able to make it through this. I can also say that although I intended to remain in contact and friendly with my ex and even went to our place to pick up things and ended up having touchy feely cry fest visits with her, things have gotten to the point now where I want NC and she seems set on NC and the last conversation I had with her ended with her mad and not even giving me a goodbye. I hope you have better luck dealing with this part.

 

Rob

[Gator]

Hi Heartache,

 

Yes ,we will get through this together. Its funny how your mind just warps and you are so full of regret and the desire to go back in time. But as you said, the reality is what it is, and all we can do is accept it, learn, and move on. Definitely easier said than done. Through this forum, friends, exercise, and distraction, time will pass, which as they say, heals all wounds (one of the great truisms of life)

 

S

[Gator]

Hi tretneo,

 

Its funny how we all react so similarly to these situations. It is somehow prewired in the brain, Im not sure why, but there must have been some type of evolutionary advantage to this.

 

You know, my ex (ouch that sounds weird to say) was bisexual. She had sworn off men prior to dating me. There were so many issues as the reult of her sexuality, that it gives me a headache to think of. She always wanted the best of both worlds, and always told me how much she missed the taste and the emotional connection of another woman. It wasnt a huge deal, but it did keep coming up.

 

I hope things work out for you ,and it sounds like NC is the way to go. Good luck and we are all here for you.

 

S

[Gator]

Why just when I think I am over her, bam, Im hit with waves of sadness, remorse, and the ever popular, "what could have been?"

 

8 days of NC, I miss her so much.

 

S

[tretneo]

I hear ya man, you are doing good. I still haven't managed to go more than a day with NC so you must be doing good. I miss my ex too even with all she has done, just try to hang in there.

 

Rob

[Gator]

Rob,

 

Hey man thanks for your support.

 

S

[finewhine]

Gator - I understand completely what you're going through. What you wrote about lenses is really wise and totally accurate.

 

It's like - was your time together an illusion? Were the feelings you had when you were happy real feelings, or feelings founded on a misperception? Does the outcome invalidate what came before? It sure does a number on you when the person with whom you thought you were closest turns out not to have been on the same page.

 

My situation is somewhat similar to yours - I am a woman who dumped her boyfriend because he stopped working on the relationship. The part you wrote about you being withdrawn as the cause of her moodiness really resonated with me, as it described the last nine months of my 3.5 year relationship (him withdrawn, me moody). In any event, in both of our situations, incompatibility won out over love.

 

As you know, it's no harder to move past a relationship about which you feel ambivalent. I think these situations are trickier, in a way, because they lend themselves to greater ambiguity in hindsight. What should be crystal clear to you, however, is that it wasn't going to work and will not work in the future. As another poster said, there were ample chances for the relationship to work, yet it didn't. And here we are.

 

I really think you made a misstep in hanging out with her too soon. I'm not condemning your actions - I was in contact with my ex too soon as well, and here I am, two months later, still * * *-deep in my thoughts about what went wrong. However, NC is the answer here. It allows you to lick your wounds and decide on a story about your relationship that you can live with.

 

My ex is dating someone else. In fact, has been dating someone for nearly the entire time we've been broken up. This situation weighs on me. It feels like a betrayal of what we had. I think that finding out about it hurt my chances of recovering sooner because it added another angle through which to view a situation about which I was already befuddled. To make matters worse, my ex is on a campaign to be my friend again because he likes me and loves me and is "not sure" about what happened, either. Is it our responsibility to help them figure out what happened, or to reassure them that we still think about them? Hell no. No matter what, these are first and foremost people that caused us tremendous pain. Our period of obligation to them and that pain is over, no matter how responsible we were for perpetuating it before.

 

Ultimately, we have only ourselves. As my dad is fond of saying, it's only you in that coffin. By adhering to NC, you can understand the relationship as a part of your past and integrate it into the story of YOUR life. Your life is, once again, yours alone, no matter what she thinks or does.

 

My way to reconcile the situation was to tell my ex that I couldn't be friends with him for now, and to leave me alone. Nicely, of course. I suggest you do the same in the inevitable event she gets in touch with you again. The "for now" part isn't an indicator of holding out hope of reconciliation, it's a way of taking control of the situation. When and if you decide to be friends with them is completely up to you, of course, but it becomes their problem if they intentionally violating the code of friendship you set. This obligates THEM to give you the space you need to heal, and I think it's a pretty respectful, classy way to close that chapter of your life. The friendship chapter can only take place once the relationship chapter has closed, of course, if it works out like that.

 

Anyway, as another poster said, it sounds like you have your sh** together.

[HeartAche]

Why just when I think I am over her, bam, Im hit with waves of sadness, remorse, and the ever popular, "what could have been?"

 

8 days of NC, I miss her so much.

 

S

 

I feel your pain my friend. Just gone 5 days NC myself then today she visits my web page again and then, this afternoon, she emails me asking how I am and saying how busy she's been this past week!

 

Unfortunately for me, she's still got all her stuff at what is now my house. Plus the mortgage is in both our names, joint bank account and a couple of joint loans, so I can't really start to move on properly until all that's been sorted.