Planning marriage if not ready...

[Rabican]

Ok Im gonna try to keep this brief for now.

 

The short version, Ive been with/ known my girl for about 2.5 years now. We were together for 8 months and then got engaged then moved out of state. We were engaged, and had been together for 1.5 years when we broke up briefly last year for 2 months... and have since been back together for the last 8 months.

 

So together for 2.5 years with a 2 month break in there.

 

We seem to be past all of our past problems, I didnt feel that she was respecting me or our relationship when it came to her behavior with some of her guy friends. I was pretty bad at communication... id let things go, and fester forever before I blew up about it. Fast forward to now, and things are good.

 

She wants to get married, and start planning the wedding again, and im just not quite ready for that yet. Things arent exactly great at work right now, were getting by at home (financially) but ive got about 20 bucks in the bank right now until monday pay day. When we first started planning a marriage I thought that I would be making more money, and be able to provide for us better. She wants to plan a wedding for next year, and thats about the timeframe for me not knowing if ill even have my job still or not. If not then Im going to need to go to school, or somehow pull a good job out of my

Maybe im looking at this wrong, but i want to have some sort of a solid foundation set down before I start planning a wedding, and being married. I think before our breakup I really didnt care so mcuh about all of this but now I do. The idea of getting married next summer, and not knowing what kind of job im gonna have, where we will be living etc... just seems to be rushing things. I love her dearly, and do not want to be without her. This whole wedding thing is becoming a daily dispute however. She thinks that if im not ready, or willing to plan this now (for next year) then Ill never be ready. I think if we are really meant to be together we should be able to wait. She keeps saying that if we cant agree on this (meaning we get married next year, before her sister) that we may just go separate ways. I think a big part of her wanting to do it next year is that she wants to be married before her little sister (theres some family drama there, and I can understand her point... but I dont think it should be a make or break issue for us).

 

Any thoughts?

 

Oh, btw were both mid 20's

[talo]

You two are not ready to get married if you cannot resolve this issue to your mutual satisfaction. Marriage is mainly about 'resolving differences', and so resolving this one is a 'good test'.

[MacGyverRI]

Are you living together now?

 

BTW, Sisters are very competitive and that could be a major factor w/ the drama.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Both of you make valid points.

 

On one hand, having a wedding, looking for a new job/starting school is a lot to pack in for one time frame so I see where you're coming from.

 

On the other hand, she doesn't want to wait around wondering if you'll continue to have excuses about not getting married. She might feel that if you REALLY wanted to get married, you would get married regardless of the situation.

 

The solution is to find a comprimise that both of you are happy with.

 

I got this from a relationship conflict book:

 

Start by first saying something like "I've been thinking about the wedding and the timeframe, and I'm trying to work through some solutions." Don't bother telling her your reasons over and over again, she obviously knows your objections. Ask her if she wouldn't mind brainstorming over ideas.

 

Come up with a list of potential ideas, but make sure you DO NOT CRITICIZE any of the ideas she lists. If she criticizes yours, dont' get defensive, make a mental note of her critcisms, and continue on. Coming up with silly ideas is okay too, because it'll help lighten things up (idea like: go to vegas and get married by Tom Jones, then ask Tom Jones if I can have a job washing his platinum albums). After you have a good list of ideas, take a break and go do something fun. Then list the idea's pros and cons. Then see if you can find an idea that is mutually acceptable for the both of you.

 

Yes this seems dumb, and it's very rigid, but it promotes the healthy "you and me against the world" addage over the not so healthy "It's you or It's me." That in itself is worth the effort because that will bring the two of you closer together on this issue, where before it was driving you apart. And working together, you are very likely to come up with a solution that both of you will be okay with.

[Rabican]

Problem solved... amazingly. The other night when I posted this I thought we were headed for break up street. I had told her basically, look I am willing to set a date but I want it to be down the road a ways 08/09 but Ill set a date. She wanted it to be in 07 so that it would be before her sister. That was almost a breakup issue for us... which told me if it was then we just werent meant to be. I cant imagine cutting loose someone that you feel is 'the one' over the marriage date. If we couldnt stay together as is, living together until then... without breaking up... then we werent meant to be.

 

Its not like im was asking for an indefinate hold... 10 years. I was looking for another year or two to work everything out, save money etc.

 

Sunday morning we talked, and we have agreed to wait. So things seem to be swell. She still gets pissed every time she sees someone on TV getting married, but I guess shes willing to make it work and wait.

[anydaynow]

Problem solved... amazingly.

 

I cant imagine cutting loose someone that you feel is 'the one' over the marriage date.

 

Its not like im was asking for an indefinate hold... 10 years. I was looking for another year or two to work everything out, save money etc.

 

So things seem to be swell. She still gets pissed every time she sees someone on TV getting married, but I guess shes willing to make it work and wait.

 

 

So glad things are working out!

 

I wanted to chime in and say how hard it is to see other people getting married left and right when you've been ready and waiting (and waiting...), but circumstances really hold you back. Like your fiance, I'm in waiting mode (except I'm still a g.f., not a fiance) and it sucks to feel left behind.

 

I completely agree that it would be stupid to throw away a perfectly good relationship because of a bit of a timing difference. Just make sure you stick to the plan- a year or two. Remember that when the time comes, you will probably still feel like you need more money, or need to do this or that before you get hitched. I think it will always feel like that (barring a lottery winning or something!) From the way things sound, it would not be a dealbreaker if it went out longer than that, but the relationship could get very stressful if you change the time-frame on her!

 

Good luck!