I just dumped him.....

[Yvette84]

So.....I just broke up with the best guy ever!!!! I feel sooooooooooooo stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he was PERFECT! but I ended it because I just wasn't feeling it.....but why???????? ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it hurt him SSSSSOOOOOOOOOO bad!!!!!!!!!!!! he's always telling me that i'm his reason for living and that he "needs" me and has never loved anyone like this before and that i'm his other half....and so on and so on.....so tonight he was devastated......I feel like such an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can anyone share some stories that have been through this.....or give me any insight....thanx....

[nottoogreen]

Hi Yvette,

 

I followed your story. You always seem to push nice guys away.

 

Are you depressed because of unresolved past issues?

 

What is depression? Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one has to improve ones ability (do better) and/or change ones expectations. In other words, to avoid depression, one ought to balance ability and expectations. Balance is it, as so often in life. From: Reference materials and more info

 

Keeping this in mind, please post your unmet expectations and we see how we can resolve the imbalance.

[Yvette84]

Hi Yvette,

 

I followed your story. You always seem to push nice guys away.

 

Are you depressed because of unresolved past issues?

 

What is depression? Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one has to improve ones ability (do better) and/or change ones expectations. In other words, to avoid depression, one ought to balance ability and expectations. Balance is it, as so often in life. From: Reference materials and more info

 

Keeping this in mind, please post your unmet expectations and we see how we can resolve the imbalance.

uumm..........I'm not depressed.

[nottoogreen]

uumm..........I'm not depressed.

Good to hear.

 

I don't have any better ideas and wish that you receive more useful posts soon.

 

 

[tylercdurden2004]

You seem to mistake nice and wussy. He may be nice but he is not what you want. You want the best for you, a gentleman, which is what you should have in your life. Him saying you are his reason for living is to me a bit creepy. Is he saying he has nothing else in his life? Is he saying he has nothing better to do with his spare time? Dont feel guilty and go for what you really want in life. Because you deserve it.

[EvaGina]

there is no fun in a clingy guy...

I know what you mean... dont worry about it, he will bounce back, I promise

[BillyJean714]

It's obvious that he really cares for you..BUT, you need to be honest with yourself.

 

I think you made the right decision. I also don't think that it's because he's a nice guy.

 

I hope he's doing okay. Poor guy. Sounds like he took it pretty bad. Breakups suck, but you did what you had to do, and all I can say is more power to ya! It takes A LOT of courage to do so..

 

Take Care

[mikeywins21]

Don't feel bad, your not the only girl that breaks up with Nice Guys, I'm a nice guy, I had a girlfriend that thought I was great, she even told me "Your defenitly the best boyfriend I've ever had" and from what I've heard about the other guys I know she's telling the truth, She was used to being treated like crap by all the guys in her life, even went threw about 9 b/f's already. Guys that would cheat on her, one guy tried to break her writs. Then I come along, she falls for me fast, then out of nowhere I'm gettin broken up with. Maybe girls like to be treated like crap. I really don't know but your not the only one to break a nice guys heart, and yes he will get over it, I'm slowly getting over my ex right now, even tho she told me this was just for now, I think it was a nice way of breaking it off for good and trying not to hurt my feelings.

[krieg]

i think perhaps you are touching on something that may actually be relevant, i also had the same problem, girlfriend went through a whole score of bad boyfriends then i came along was the perfect gentleman to get etc.. only thing was she probally enjoyed being treated like crap. That makes absoltly no sense to me right now, and i supose it never will.

[Belle]

i also had the same problem, girlfriend went through a whole score of bad boyfriends then i came along was the perfect gentleman to get etc.. only thing was she probally enjoyed being treated like crap. That makes absoltly no sense to me right now, and i supose it never will.

 

Sadly, I see that happen a lot. It's not a phenomenon with women. There are a lot of men out there like this too. It seems that the bad girl or bad boy syndrome offers much more of a challenge to others. The people who fall for this type of person are generally highly insecure and will get bored with someone who is genuinely interested in them. That is until they've had enough of the drama and realize that this type of relationship just never works out. Then tehy'll be looking for a good guy/girl again.

 

The only real advice I can offer to counter this typ eof mentality is to never allow yourself to be conquered and remain aloof. Or just date people that don't need bad in their lives so you won't have to worry about letting your guard down and being a good guy.

[annie24]

It's obvious that he really cares for you..BUT, you need to be honest with yourself.

 

I think you made the right decision. I also don't think that it's because he's a nice guy.

 

I hope he's doing okay. Poor guy. Sounds like he took it pretty bad. Breakups suck, but you did what you had to do, and all I can say is more power to ya! It takes A LOT of courage to do so..

 

Take Care

 

I agree.

 

yvette, if my memory serves me correctly, you and this dude weren't even dating all that long. why is he acting like you are his reason for living? he sounds like he may have some problems.

 

good luck - I also think you did the right thing.

[Jalys]

So, the majority of women like 'tough - bad' guys from what I understand. Maybe I should start being a little cold to my girlfriend, maybe tell her a few hurtful things, that would be more than enough challenge right?

[shawn]

So.....I just broke up with the best guy ever!!!! I feel sooooooooooooo stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he was PERFECT! but I ended it because I just wasn't feeling it.....but why???????? ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it hurt him SSSSSOOOOOOOOOO bad!!!!!!!!!!!! he's always telling me that i'm his reason for living and that he "needs" me and has never loved anyone like this before and that i'm his other half....and so on and so on.....so tonight he was devastated......I feel like such an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can anyone share some stories that have been through this.....or give me any insight....thanx....

 

Sorry this didn't work out, Yvette. I can relate because I was "this guy" during my last relationship. I'll give you my thoughts on what I think you've experienced.

 

I don't really think you want a "bad boy" as others have mentioned. I think that he really was a great guy but needed to put some space in between you two. The problem comes in when someone in a relationship makes the other "their world" too early in the relationship. I think that if he could have been a bit more independent and self-reliant then you would still be with him today.

 

Is this the case?

 

A component of "attraction" especially early in the dating relationship is that each person needs to perceive the other as not "needing them." It kills attraction.

 

He will be fine in time. And of course you will too. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[tylercdurden2004]

I can relate because I was "this guy" during my last relationship.

 

Most guys have.

[Jalys]

I'm puzzled.

[tylercdurden2004]

I'm puzzled.

 

Puzzled by what?

[shawn]

I can relate because I was "this guy" during my last relationship.

 

Most guys have.

 

I know, I am still banging my head against the wall.](*,) But she was sooo perfect!!

 

But seriously, this has led a LOT of guys (in particular) to play "head games," or pretend to be someone that they're actually not. Or even worse, some nice guys simply resolve to never be a nice guy again. And, sadly, they follow through.

 

I'll never buy that. I just think that you need to be genuinely who you are. But that your genuine self needs to be capable of wanting them but not needing them early in the relationship.

[tylercdurden2004]

I know, I am still banging my head against the wall.](*,) But she was sooo perfect!!

 

But seriously, this has led a LOT of guys (in particular) to play "head games," or pretend to be someone that they're actually not. Or even worse, some nice guys simply resolve to never be a nice guy again. And, sadly, they follow through.

 

I'll never buy that. I just think that you need to be genuinely who you are. But that your genuine self needs to be capable of wanting them but not needing them early in the relationship.

 

You see this debate (nice guy vs jerk) usually ends up as a semantical debate. People are arguing different things and using the same word. "Nice" is often mistaken for "spineless" or "clingy" or "wussy" behaviours. You can insert any word in to here if you like.

 

Heres a list of some nice things I do:

 

-Hold the door open for people (male or female).

-Always say thank you to the bus driver when I depart.

-99% I act cordial and polite to people who serve me (in restaurants, etc)

 

I can list more. My point is I would be foolish to think that these actions alone will get me girls. Heck if thats the case my phone would be ringing off the hook.

 

Attraction is something more than being an acting polite. If a woman wants to settle down wiht you she wants to know you can stand up for yourself. Kissing up to a girl shows just the opposite. It says "I care soooo much about what you think of me I would never do anything that might irk you the wrong way." Nobody wants that.

 

And if a guy is acting like that with a girl shes probably wondering:

 

- if he is like that with his boss (not a good way to be when he needs to ask for a raise when kid number 3 comes along)

 

-if he is like that with his own mother (the dreaded mother-in-law interferring and he cant stand up to her and tell her no)

 

-if he is like that when super model of the year comes a long and hits on him extra extra strong (wont be able to say no to her advances)

 

Of course none of this may unfold but as people are greatest setback is time or lack of it. No girl has unlimited time to give every guy a "chance". Is a girl to wait 2, 5, 10 years to see if Mr. Nice has a backbone? No.

 

Its very much like going for a job interview, in fact its no different. You have to put your best foot forward and continue to put your best foot forward throughout your job. Same in a relationship.

 

Read this:

[super ian]

This nice vs bad is getting out of hand I never realized that people actually believe this even after they become adults and have had many relationships in the past.

 

There is nothing wrong with NEEDING someone, and there is nothing wrong with feeling to BE NEEDED as well.

 

Maybe some of you are too insecure to actually open up completely in a relationship and learn to trust each other and support each other 100%, and yes, need each other.

 

You keep telling yourselves that its good to have "space" in a relationship, good to learn to rely only on yourself... but you are wrong and if you continue to do this you will only have half-hearted relationships, and missing out on the REAL THING so to speak

[tylercdurden2004]

This nice vs bad is getting out of hand I never realized that people actually believe this even after they become adults and have had many relationships in the past.

 

Guess what? All those little thign you did and thougth as a kid dotn really ever change. Adults are no different than kids we just think we are. Watch a group of kids and a group of adults and you will see pretty much teh same dynamics occurring.

 

There is nothing wrong with NEEDING someone, and there is nothing wrong with feeling to BE NEEDED as well.

 

I am assuming here that you are in fact talking about NEEDING and no WANTING which are two different things. Needing someone especailly for the purposes of a relationship is not and issues of right or wrong. In my experience talking to people in healthy long term relationships not one has mentioned NEEDING the other person. NEEDING implies you have no control over the situation. Example:

 

I need air to live, or more precisley I need the correct mixture of gases oxygen being the main one. This is not an issue of me WANTING air, I do in fact NEED air. Food, shelter, etc are all basic NEEDS.

 

I do not however NEED a girl to live. I can in fact live my whole life without one. Will I be totally fulfilled maybe not, in fact probably not. However if I am dating a girl how can I say I need her. How can I say I need a girl after only 6 months lets say? After six months do I really know her, maybe/maybe not. The problem is many guys believe that pouring their heart out to women right form the get go is a good thing. I personally dont think this is healthy in any relationship.

 

The other problem is that by NEEDING someone you are in fact saying I cannot live without you. This is BS. Some people go their whole lives married to the love of their life. Suddenly the love of their life passes away. Some of these people end up later on remarrying and finding another love of their life. Would they not have died or never been happy again if they did in fact NEED the first love of their life?

 

The thing you neglect is that unlike basic needs such as air and water, love is dynamic. It constantly changes even in long term happy relationships. The thing with this dynanism means that people can have a variety of ways of loving or receiving love. Heck some people like polyamorous relationships, and thats cool as long as everyone invovled is on the same page. How can you by definition NEED something when it is dynamic. It could be gone the next day, wouldnt you die if you NEEDED it.

 

I have yet to see many people on here or in real life mention anything about being attracted to NEEDINESS in fact I often see/hear the opposite. NEEDING anything other than the basics puts you in a weakened state. For instance needing a job so you can pay off your mortgage is worse than not needing a job. NEEDING make a man do foolish things. However WANTING a job so you can pay teh mortgage is preferrable, WANTING a good girl to marry and raise a family is preferrable. But again these are not necessary for living a full and happy life. Heck you can get love from your friends and family.

 

Maybe some of you are too insecure to actually open up completely in a relationship and learn to trust each other and support each other 100%, and yes, need each other.

 

Sure there are some people like this. But again NEED has nothing to do with trusting, loving etc. Personally my ideal life long mate will WANT to be with me not NEED to be with me. Again these are two totally different things.

 

You keep telling yourselves that its good to have "space" in a relationship, good to learn to rely only on yourself... but you are wrong and if you continue to do this you will only have half-hearted relationships, and missing out on the REAL THING so to speak

 

Well this is absolutely the newest news I have received. If I think really hard I cant seem to remember anyone I have met of talked to here or anywhere else that has said "space" in a relationship is a bad thing and being independent (able to rely on yourself) is a bad thing. You are the actually the first person I have heard say that. Odd.

[saltwatergirl]

Great post tyler. Though Im gonna go out on a limb here and say it may be an exercise in futility.

 

Salt

[tylercdurden2004]

Great post tyler. Though Im gonna go out on a limb here and say it may be an exercise in futility.

 

Salt

 

Dealing with whiners is ALWAYS an exercise in fultilty. Its always someone elses fault.

[mrdarcy]

Yeah it sucks. But you have to ask yourself, do you just feel sorry that you hurt the guy, or do you really feel stupid and regret breaking up with him?

 

Answer that, and you've got your...um...answer.

 

You can either run back to him and the comfort of your history together, or you can stick to your gut and take a break. Time will tell you if you made a mistake. There has to be a reason you weren't "feeling" it anymore. Sometimes a break will make things clearer.

 

Although you run the risk of losing him if you wait too long. Listen to your heart, it will tell you the truth.