Trying to end an affair

[dan39]

Firstly some background. I am 22, she is 20 and her boyfriend is 23. They had been going out 6 years and recently got engaged, me and her met at uni and have been having a 'relationship' for about a year and a half, quite intense, my first relationship

 

She went on holiday a few days ago for a week with her now fiance. I've decided I want to end our affair. I guess in the back of my mind I hope that this will make her realise how much she likes me and maybe split with her partner (although I know this is unlikely, and this is not the reason I don't want to see her anymore, its because its just not healthy for it to carry on..). I've sid to her I think its best we don't contact each other anymore, to which she said we can see each other every once in a while as 'mates' how we were before. I said no since all the old feelings will come flooding back (including the negative ones relating to the situation).

 

Anyway, here is the problem. We go to the same uni, on the same course, with the same circle of friends. This is how we met in the first place. So how is it possible to have no contact between us? We don't go back until October now, so I'm hoping by then we will have 'healed' enough so that it won't be too uncomfortable. Or will it? I've said we can still be 'uni mates' as I don't see any other way. I don't know how it's gonna work when we go back.

 

Any advice appreciated thanks.

 

ps she just text me asking me to go round when she comes back from holiday, again. when you've tried initiating no contact and other person keeps contacting you, what dya do?

 

"hey how r u i was thinking when i get bk i could pik u up im cookin that nite for my mum so wud 2 u 2 up2 u tb plz!"

[yeawutever]

It must be hard going to the same uni. along with taking the same course, but it's very wise not contuining the affair. You don't want to destroy a relation, which she has right now for cheating on her finace with yyou, but she the one who chose it. Inform her clearly that you can't with her lover anymore, not even her friend and from there go on ignoring her.

[RayKay]

It won't be easy, but you will just have to truly go in the spirit of no contact....you can be civil when you are around one another for classes, or due to other friends, but you MUST stay strong to your commitment to end this..

 

Honestly, this is very unhealthy, and I am surprised you have been involved in this for so long. I am even more surprised she is engaged to someone she apparently has no qualms about cheating on.

 

And because of this, I think you MUST end it. Even if she did decide to leave her fiance and be with you (unlikely though by sounds of it...if she truly wanted that, she would of done it) well, the chances are incredibly high that she would start an affair on you. Especially since she seems to have little remorse (I mean after 1.5 years....that shows you really don't). Relationships born from affairs have a minute chance of making it...less than 5% - why? Because there are so many trust issues with one another, the realization that all relationships have their downsides, that even affairs can become "routine".....it's so much bad news....

 

And honestly, it's also really a blackmark of sorts on you as well for disrespecting another man's relationship, and willingly being part of an affair...it's time to regain some respect and honour.

[dan39]

Thanks for the replies Ailec and RayKay.

 

I am trying to regain respect and honour. RayKay you make it sound like I will burn in hell for 'willingly being part of an affair'! I know it was 'bad' but now that I am ending it, am I still 'tarnished'? I guess this is almost a religious question.

 

Then I think to myself, since being involved with this woman I am a changed person for the better. I was very shy before and although I still am, I am much more confident and 'out of my shell'. I am more ambitious and want a good career. I have had a taste of what its like have the nicer things in life. I have had the experience of love. And sex. I feel I would be able to get a girlfriend now, whereas had I not engaged in this affair I don't think I ever would have been able to.

 

Do/can affairs ever have a function/purpose? Or is this just being selfish?

[RayKay]

Well, I am not religious. Nor do I believe in hell, so have no idea what will happen . My belief on that was not based on a religious point.

 

I mean more in terms of well...honestly, I would NOT date a man if I found out he had participated in an affair - even if on the side of being the "other man". So for me, that is a black mark. For me, it speaks volumes about their respect for other relationships, commitment, and to whom they get involved with.

 

Yes, I do think that having an affair, whatever side you are on, is a selfish decision. I am not saying people can't change, and learn from it, but I do hope it is not a pattern, and that they learn from it in a positive manner so as to not get involved in those situations again.

[RuS525]

I completely agree with RayKay you should have never gotten into the position in the first place but everyone does stupid stuff here and there and you cant change the past i would definetly cut off all contact with her unless need be you need to tell her that what you two are doing is wrong and hope that she understand becuz god gave her the common sense to know right and wrong so lets hope she understands good luck.

[dan39]

wow, i feel tarnished.

[kellbell]

Dan,

 

Use your confidence on finding someone else to be with. The woman you with now has cheated on her boyfriend, showing you she is capable of cheating and has no bones about it. Whose to say she will not do the same to you, and do not naievely think she will not do that to you. I am sure she boyfriend thinks the same way. Actions speak volumes.

 

Relationships built on pretense, lies, and secrets do not last. They are usually born through thrill, enchanment, grass is greener on the other side, infactuation, all toxic for a healthy, happy, and thriving relationship.

 

I feel really bad for her boyfriend. No, I do not think YOU are tarnished, but your actions sure are. Stop acting cowardly and go out with a woman whom is available and not cheating on her man. Good luck.

[pagan_unashamed]

Sounds like the proverbial rock and hard place you've found yourself between. And while I agree with some of what has been said - the relationship wasn't healthy - I disagree with the prevailing theory of "once a cheater, always a cheater". If you really are totally certain that you want it to be over, then stand strong in your No Contact rule. It is hard when she can't seem to respect that wish, but don't give in! And if you AREN'T sure about it, maybe you need to reevaluate. She's engaged, but if she loves you and she marries him, do you really think it will last anyway? Most of all, do not beat yourself up with guilt! What's done is done, and as you said, some good has come of it too.

 

"Then I think to myself, since being involved with this woman I am a changed person for the better. I was very shy before and although I still am, I am much more confident and 'out of my shell'. I am more ambitious and want a good career. I have had a taste of what its like have the nicer things in life. I have had the experience of love. And sex. I feel I would be able to get a girlfriend now, whereas had I not engaged in this affair I don't think I ever would have been able to."

[dan39]

Thanks for all the advice, and pagan unashamed for not making me feel like my life is doomed because I've been part of this! Onwards and upwards.

[yeawutever]

You welcome and hope this serves as a lesson in life, you won't want to ever ruin a relation while at the same time you're degrading yourself being the other man. Why would you want to wear a second place ribbon, that makes no sense, no one wants to be the second best, where there's no to little possible future of commitment.

 

[lonestar_80]

I am trying to regain respect and honour. RayKay you make it sound like I will burn in hell for 'willingly being part of an affair'! I know it was 'bad' but now that I am ending it, am I still 'tarnished'? I guess this is almost a religious question.

 

You are doing the right thing by ending this relationship. This girl has lost all sense of remorse. She does not think what she is doing is wrong. Just think if she cheats on her BF she will cheat on you too. If she really did not want to be with her BF she would have left him by now. You are just a little yummy on the side.

 

As for a religious question, yes what you are doing is a sin, and if keep unrepented you would go to hell. Jesus condemned fornication and adultery. But the great thing is that He can forgive you of your sins if you confess them and repent!!! Jesus did not condemn the woman who was caught in adultery but he told her to SIN NO MORE. Don't mess with this chick again, it is that simple.

 

Then I think to myself, since being involved with this woman I am a changed person for the better. I was very shy before and although I still am, I am much more confident and 'out of my shell'. I am more ambitious and want a good career. I have had a taste of what its like have the nicer things in life. I have had the experience of love. And sex. I feel I would be able to get a girlfriend now, whereas had I not engaged in this affair I don't think I ever would have been able to.

 

You can still be all of these things without this girl and you can be with a girl you can trust. I know plenty of girls and guys that creeped around with someone and when they finally got them, they did not trust them. God has a better plan for you. HE wants you to be with a faithful woman and not a woman that cheats.

 

I recommend reading Proverbs 5. It talks about staying away from unfaithful women that use charm to seduce young men. Basically nothing good will come of your relationship. Good Luck!

[dan39]

Thankyou lonestar that was helpful

[Iceman26]

I am sure you could see her around campus and be cool, if it helps just look at her and remind yourself that she only views you as second best (as she won't dump her fiance, which she should do)

 

In addition, know this. If she is willing to cheat on someone she is planning on making a lifetime commitment to, than chances are eventually she will cheat on you as well even if she decided to break up with him for you.

 

Just use this experience in a positive way, and keep your head up. You are at college man, you will meet plenty of other women with more integrity than this one. Good luck.

[dan39]

she's txt me saying she's gonna break up with the bf, she has been crying loads on holiday and now they are continuing the rest of it as friends. i told her she needs some time alone before we talk again to sort her head out. i kno its not a solid foundation to build a relationship on but i said to her dont contact me again unless you find yourself single, which is what she has done, so i feel i have to give it a chance.

 

im not sure im doing the right thing but i think it'd be unfair on her to say stop seeing the bf and ill see u again, and then change my mind.

[anydaynow]

Maybe the affair continued for so long because she was able to keep it up because you were willing to.

 

I don't want to make you feel bad for being part of this relationship. I know and agree that affairs are wrong, but I also think that the heart wants what the heart wants. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it was up to her, being the one that was already in a relationship, to end the affair. I guess in the end, ultimately, there are two people in the relationship and both are responsible for continuing it. I think you did the right thing trying to end this, and if what you had with her was special to you, and you think it is worth trying to work out, than go ahead if she is willing to. You've definitely have serious work ahead of you to overcome trust issues, though.

 

Good luck, and keep us updated.