I give up

[Chloe_111]

I have an ex BF i have a restraining order against. One of the conditions of which states that he can not contact me in any form.

 

I have been in contact with him. It has never stopped. he has been very manipulative, violent and obsessive. He just simply will not leave me alone. I have been to scared to do anything and thought that keeping him at a safe distance would be best.

 

Currently he is in europe on a holiday with some friends of his. Since he has been gone he has been sending me messages about wanting to marry me, take me overseas, be with me forever etc etc In the past i have been with him overseas, he took all my money, hotel keys and everything so i had to be totally dependant on him. It was the worst holiday of my life.

 

The messages make me physically ill. I have been enjoying the peace and quiet since he has been gone and physically scared of the day he comes back. I have sent him several messages the other day saying i want to completely break up with him, that i cant reciprocate the way he feels, that i dont want to be with him forever. I said i would rather die than spend forever in an emotional dungeon.

 

In the past four years i lived with him for two, he has been violent, he has knocked me out several times, he has told everyone i was the crazy one and he only ever tried to protect himself, he has locked me out of my own home with no shoes, no wallet and no phone, He has taken everything off me and left me in the middle of the city including my credit cards, i had some strange guy help me we went through his pockets and found my cards, i think he threw away my keys, he has hit me, he has stalked me, he has so much information i dont know where from, he broke into my work email address, my personal accounts, everything...He follows me, he watches me, he knows all this stuff about me, that i have never told him. Even minor minor details... I dont know what to do anymore. I want to be in control of my life, i dont want him controlling me anymore. I want privacy. I want peace and quiet. I want to be safe.

 

If he comes back in my life, i feel like killing myself. I would. I am so scared. I am too old for this. I just want him to leave me alone and he wont.

 

Since i sent those text messages breaking up with him, i had to do it via text cos he would not talk to me, he has gone from sending me verbally abusive messages calling me a Psycho **** and everything else. Now he is saying he has bought me lots of stuff including expensive camera, clothes, whatever and he is going to send it all to my parents place... now he is emailing me saying he has sent diff messages to my diff friends (where did he get their numbers from?) telling them to look after me as he is worried about me saying i am completely out of control at the moment.

 

I am sitting at work. I know he is in spain. But i feel physically ill. Its 6.30pm...i live on my own and i cant physically get up and walk out of work. I dont know what to do

 

He is never going to leave me alone. He just wont ever stop. I feel sick. I dont know what to do anymore.

 

I dont want him contacting my friends. I dont want anything. I just want peace and quiet. I dont know what to do anymore.

 

I just want to take a whole bunch of sleeping pills and never wake up. I want to sleep and not have him bother me anymore. I cant do this anymore.

[Chloe_111]

I just called him. I had my number hidden. saying please leave me alone, thats all i want. He said

 

But i have left you alone.

 

I said emails, sending stuff to my parents, messaging my friends is leaving you alone,

 

He said, i havent done anything, i am in europe, I have left you alone

 

kept saying pleasejust stop and go away, he said he is away. He asked which address to send stuff, i said no where you are scaring me dont send anything

 

He said, fine i will send it all to your parents, i said please stop, dont send anything, stop scaring me.

 

He said, fine i will send it to your parents and hung up on me

 

Since then he has sent three emails. Saying he is the best friend i have ever had and nobody but him would put up with me... etc etc.

 

I feel sick.

[agent1607307371]

Stop contacting him and then the next time he contacts you, have him arrested.

 

If you let him know that he is scaring you, that what he is doing is working then he will continue to do it.

 

Make sure your friends and family know what is going on. They are there to support you.

[RayKay]

Stop contacting him immediately.

 

You have a restraining order, why are you not telling the authorities he is violating it by contacting you?

 

Does he know where you live/work right now? Can you move?

 

He is unhealthy, violent/abusive. As long as you are in contact with him he is continuing that abuse and manipulation and making you feel the way you do. You must end it, and move forward with your life. There is better out there for you, but you must get out from under his influence.

[avman]

I agree. Quit contacting him. You already have a restraining order. The next time he contacts you, call the police and have him arrested for violating the order.

[yeawutever]

Since he already violated since restraining order, next time he contacts you in anyway, inform it the the authorities rigth away. In fact, you may want to do it now, the sooner the better.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Keep all the emails and stuff, so the cops can see what he's been up to.

[Little English Bloke]

i agree with the others don't reply to txts emails etc. I know it's hard but if he does call and you answer it try not let on you are scared as this is what they crave and it makes them feel big powerful men when they are just cowards. Also write down the date time of every time he txts, phones and emails you so the police can see, don't be afraid to ring the police they are there to help you so use them.

 

No one deserves to be scared by another person. and especially not to the point of thinking of killing themselves to escape.

 

I hope it all works out and you follow our advise i wish you all the best and hope you get the peace and happiness you deserve

[Chloe_111]

I have changed my numbers and blocked all his email addresses through my IT dep't.

 

Its been more than a week since i have heard from him.

 

I broke up with him about 1.5 years ago and have not been able to get away from him since. I just cant shake him. when i say i want to completely break up with him i just want him out of my life. I want him to go away.

 

I dont know how long this will take to get over, but i just want to move on and i am scared that it wont ever go away. I just hope it does. Its been so long i have been trying to get away from him.

[sonjam]

The reason why he is still contacting you after all this time is simple, he gets a response from you. My ex was in the same situation you are in now when we first met, he was stalked by his psycho ex gf. On our first date they exhanged no less than 14 txt messages, in an hour! He was so busy telling her to get lost etc, he hardly had time to visit with me! I asked him if he's enjoying playing the game.... he was stunned.

 

I told him that as long as he's a willing participant in returning the messages, calls, e-mails etc, she would never go away. He stopped that night, and it took a good 6 months more for her to completely go away, but she toned it down quite a bit, as she got no response from him WHATSOEVER.

 

Try it, it works. You have no reason to have to live your life in fear. If he sends stuff, ignore it. If he calls you, don't pick up. If he hides his number put the phone down, DON'T SAY A WORD. JUST STOP PLAYING HIS GAME.

[Chloe_111]

This week I have received stuff sent to my parents place.

 

He has tried calling my office and reception put him through on my direct line.. he said hello and i hung up...

 

Last night i came home with a note under my door, this is what it said:

 

Dear Chloe,

You said it was okay to leave notes.

Please call me. We really need to talk, even if its just for you to tell me never to contact you again.

I really miss my best friend.

 

 

And it was signed in his name. I didnt even read it properly, i rang the police straight away.

They asked if i said it was okay to leave notes, i said i never said to him. I have told him so many times to go away and i dont wish for him to contact me, Now i havent been responding at all and he is coming to my home.

 

It upset me cos you dont treat a friend let alone anyone the way he has treated me...

 

They took my statement, they have issued a warrant for his arrest and will try and arrest him... they tried too last night and said they will keep trying and let me know. They will even go to his work.

 

The thing is he has never experienced any consequences for his actions. It has implicated me so much i am sick of it... he thinks its just a game... but its my life he is toying with. I cant live like this anymore. Normally i hate the police, i hate anything to do with them, but last night i was so numb when i saw the note that i just didnt care anymore.

 

I hate feeling like this.

[sonjam]

Oh Chloe, you need to stay strong. Stay firm in your resolve not to have any contact with him, even if it means having him arrested. If they arrest him, don't drop the charges. YOU MEAN BUSINESS. He never takes responsibility for anything, and now is the time for you to exercise your rights. I firmly believe after this ordeal he will drop contact. Keep us updated. How are you keeping, are you feeling less anxious, sleeping better?

[Chloe_111]

It took 2 months for the final restraining order to go through, I had to go to court three times. I think he was shocked i went that far and through with it.

 

I dont think he thought i would ever report him for breaking it. But last night was enough.

 

I have my grandmother staying with me. I asked her to stay until i know if he has been arrested or not and what is happening...

 

Still anxious, i dont go outside anywhere on my own, I dont even buy a sandwhich at lunch without someone to coming with me... Its horrible

 

I dont want to have to die to get away from this, I love my family, and everything, and i know they will help me, before i used to keep everything to myself, but now i am starting to tell my friends and my mum / grandmother what is happening... Its just hard. I am scared though that he may start to retaliate for me standing up to him but i know i cant think like that...

[sonjam]

Chloe, now that everybody is in on the SECRET it will become harder and harder for him to get away with ANYTHING. I suppose you will still feel anxious for awhile, but keep on surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you, who knows what you are going through, they will be your army of freedom!! Don't give up, you will be free from this before you know it. I will also hold thumbs for you, and pray for you.

[Chloe_111]

Okay. Update.

 

Spoke to the police who have spoken to him but want more evidence etc of everything that has happened. They have only spoken to him but want more evidence etc to be able to charge him

 

They spoke to him re the note and he said he doesnt know when he left it ???

 

He also made accusations of me talking to him etc etc and said a whole bunch of stuff about me.

 

I called the police and told them everything. The Domestic Violence officer wanted to know everything that has happened since the final restraining order has been made... I told her, told her i was talking to him etc etc

 

She wants emails, records of phone calls, everything. I have to go back into the station and give a full statement detailing all of this.

 

Then they will be able to do more in terms of a possible arrest. They said restricting someone's liberty is pretty serious, and they just cant do that lightly.

 

I told the lady DV officer i am completely scared of him as since he has been back in the country not a day goes by where he does not contact me, and i am scared he is going to start following me again. He only wants to talk to me one more time.... he just wants me to talk to him and i am scared at how far he will go to try and talk to me.

 

I then called my mother who lives in another state. I told her everything. Abotu how i have been talking to him etc, she went ballistic at me, then she said i have to break this hold on him. I told her i just want him to go away. Do i just pack up and move. I dont know.

 

My mother also said you need to sit down and tell your grandmother.

 

So, i am currently compiling all the info i have, of everything, I am a bit vague of dates and actual conversations. I deleted a whole bunch of messages etc from my phone, so i am not sure, the police said they can get them back, I need emails, notes whatever. I am all so vague on all of it.

 

This is such a mess. It totally sucks but ijust want him to go away and he scares me...

 

Do you think i should go through the police method? or do i just move house, and just move on with my life?

 

I dont know what to do... actually i do know what to do, but i am scared of how difficult this whole road is going to be. Its been nearly four years of him in my life, of his abuse. Standing up to him is the hardest thing i ever had to do.

 

 

[nottoogreen]

You do have the law on your side. Do not run, doing this would add insult to injury. Don't let the police sleep. Whenever he contacts you, make a report.

 

Be tough, you will win! and you will be more confident for your future.

 

Can you get your phone tapped and recorded?

 

Can you make neighbors aware?

 

Consider options for your safety.

 

Be proactive.

 

We always will be here for you.

[Aurian]

I was scared that my husband would do something bad too. I bought myself airhorns and mace so I could protect myself. I also told my neighbours that I was leaving an abusive relationship and to please call the police if they hear anything suspicious. Planning to take up martial arts classes again when I stop being sick (grrr). It makes me feel a bit secure because I feel like I can protect myself.

[Chloe_111]

In the past once when i tried to break up with him (i have tried numerous times) he said he would make my life hell, he threatened my job, my family, everything... it was all said in the heat of the argument and now i look back and he is right...

 

He knows that i will have to go to the end of the world to get him out of my life... i was seeing him for a long time without my parents knowing because they knew what he was like... so when i told my mum today it was heart breaking cos she said... chloe you have been lying to me... I said i know but i am telling you now because this thing is going to get so much worse... and she said how do i know you wont talk to him again?

 

I didnt know what to say I dont know what to do, she was so angry with me.

 

But he knew that, he knew that i would have to tell everyone everything and i dunno

 

It just hurt when my mum said that and i admitted everything to her.

[sonjam]

Chloe, don't worry. Your mom will get over the initial shock, you have to realise - her child put herself in danger - against their mother's advise. i probably would have been a bit mad/disappointed too. But you know what? She loves you, she will get over it soon enough and help by being pro-active in securing your safety.

 

I would say if you had to move, he will still find you, he has all your numbers etc, no use trying to run. You got to face up to it and FORCE THE BREAK, at the moment, the police option seems the best way to go, until you can find another better option, unless this way helps. You must expect him to contest your claims, after all they are going to restrict his freedom, so of course he will put up a fight, but it is better him fighting with the police, than him fighting with you!! And now EVERYBODY KNOWS!! Don't dispair, just a short way down this road, then you will be free to choose a path of your own, your new future.

[Chloe_111]

He doesnt have all my numbers. I changed them all, including all my email addresses. I have a new work extension and new work email address even.

 

It was after that i had done all this that he turned up at my house. Thats what upset me the most about that letter... i told him never to speak to me again, via a text message... then he kept trying to email, call whatever, so i changed all my details and then he says just call me to tell me to never to contact you again... * * *? How more obvious can i make it... how may times do i have to say it? LEAVE ME ALONE.

 

When i spoke to the police their concerns are that he is alledging that i use the restraining as vengeance and only rely on it when i want. I pick and choose when i use it...

 

The last time i saw him we went out for dinner the night before he was flying out of the country, he just hassled and hassled saying lets do dinner... we went out for this phenomally expensive seafood dinner, he wanted to go out to a club after, I said no, i didnt feel like it and i had to go to work the next day... the night just went down hill from there, he got all upset and kept walking off on me leaving me in the restaurant... we hadnt even paid the bill, i didnt know what he was doing, I mean i was even chasing after him,. and when i started speaking he would walk off on me again... so i conceded and apologised... i agreed to leave the restaurant to go to another bar... where he insisted on getting these cocktails... he then suggested a bottle of wine, which i didnt want... i had enough alcohol i didnt want more... he got up and left again, I didnt know where he went.. he came back with a bottle of wine and then got upset that i wouldnt drink the wine... he spent all that money on it and i wouldnt even drink it... i felt bad so picked up a glass and sculled it... went to the bathroom and sat there for ages.... I came out and couldnt find him... he wanted to get me drunk, os i would stay with him the night, i dunno... i found him... i told him i wanted to go home, he walked off again... in the end i was yelling at him, and a lady from the bar came over and told me to keep my voice down. I told her to find him and said congratulations if you can communicate with him. So i left the bar, I was walking back to the car, It was parked in his building... surprise surprise he came running up behind me... I couldnt find my car keys, they werent in my bag, he suggests i may have locked them in the car... i told him to shut up and i didnt want to hear what he had to say, I get back to my car, and i couldnt find my keys, i told him to go upstairs to his place and get my stuff i needed for work the next day... he tells me he doesnt know what i want?... i should go up and get it... i was scared to go up to his house in the state he was in... we had been arguing since we finnished dinner.... I told him what i wanted and he kept saying but i dont know what you want.. i dont know where it is... and i said get all of my stuff then... he said but i dont know what you want... this went on for about 20mins, i was crying. I then said fine get me a coat hanger so i can get into my car and find my keys, i dont care about my stuff i just want to go away from you... he got a coat hanger, i spent about an hour and half trying ot break into my car... he kept trying to grab the coat hanger off me and tell me to go upstairs with him, i tried to grab the coat hanger off him and hit my arms out of the way and pushed me out of the way... I just sat there crying. He eventually gave me the coat hanger and walks off... another 15mins later he comes back with my keys. He said i must have dropped them at the beggining of the night around the corner and gives them back to me, funny that because earlier in the night i met him in the garage and we straight from there, i never went through the main entrance of the building so how did my keys end up there?... he kept trying to hug me and hold me saying please dont go he was crying... i had to push him off me. I get into my car and drive off... I wake up later in my apartment and he was lying in my bed hugging me... I was so drunk, I shouldnt have even driven home, i just started screaming, i thought if i cause a scene he will go away, he got up and left, I dont know how he got into my place.

 

The next morning i wake up and he sent me a text message saying check your mailbox, so i do and there is his keys to his apartment and security pass, he said in text messages to use the apartment while he is away so i can get all my stuff and whatever i want and i dont have to be fearful of him as he is away.

 

While he was away i used his apartment a couple of times, he lives right in the city and i used it to get ready for a work function and to sleep at after, while he is away he is sending me messages about how he is my soul mate, how he realises what it takes to be with me and look after me.. the messages were getting weirder and weirder and declaring his undying love for me.

 

I was talking to him on the phone and he said he wanted to a buy a ring for me and make me his wife when he gets back... he went from the night at the restuarant and taking my keys, in the past he has threatened me, hit me, stalked me, hacked into my work emails you name it.... it was getting so far out of control that he wants to make me his wife? It wasnt like that.. i went out to dinner with him and he wants me to be his wife?

 

I sent him a few text messages saying i want to break up with you completely, please leave me alone, and i said please let me go... i cant do this anymore.

 

He ignored the messages. A few days later, he says to give his keys to his friend... then he went all weird and called me a psycho * * * * *, if i didnt have the decency to sort out his keys... it was the weirdest argument what he was saying to me and flipping out and the names he called me... i tried calling him and he wouldnt pick up the phone, then he would send me a message calling me all sorts of things for not having the decency to sort out his keys

 

A couple of days later, i get all these messages he was profusely apologising, saying he was drunk and hung over and he didnt mean what he said as he was so drunk etc etc.

 

I ignored them

 

Since then he has tried calling me, emailing me so i changed all my details, then he turns up at my house with the note.

 

I am scared of him. His behaviour is getting weird. And he wont let go, one thing i am scared of is how much money he has spent, before he would buy me whatever i want... even whatever i didnt want then say he did it for me and sulk and make me feel guilty that he spent that much money on me... the dinners were getting ridiculous, the fights like that night with the keys were getting worse and worse.

 

After an $900 dinner One night, we went because he said there is a $50 cancellation charge per head, and we had to go.... later i called the restaurant and there is no cancellation charge whatsoever for any booking... why was i so gullible? After dinner he was carrying my purse we got into an argument because while we were walking along i needed to go the bathroom and every bar we walked past he said we couldnt go in because they wouldnt let him in for all these stupid reasons... i mean we even walked past a strip club, and i said i dont care i am just running in to go to the toilette, i need to go, then he was yelling me at really loud saying he didnt want to go to a strip club and people in the street were looking at us. I asked for my purse and said forget it,.. he gives me my purse and the only thing in it is my make up... he took all my cards and keys... and then said i never had them in there... i was so upset cos i am sick of his lies... and he said, chloe are sure you brought them that you didnt leave them at home? of course i was sure! would you leave home without keys and cards?

 

Then a guy came along to help me, and he kept running off... every time i tried to say something he would walk off... so the guy chased him and made him go through his pockets... my cards turned up but not my keys, he said i had to go home with him... and we will sort out in the morning... we get back to his place and he tells me his keys are at work... so we have to go into the hotel nearby and sort it out in the morning.... it was awful... we check into the hotel and i was sitting on the bed, he was hugging me and trying to make me lie down, i was so upset, he was trying to lie on top of me and hug me. i kicked him and was screaming at him... i grabbed a blanket and locked myself in the bathroom and slept on the floor. The next thing he is yelling at me saying we had to go because the manager of the hotel was there saying we had to check out... he had all the keys, his house keys my car keys you name it. That was the night of my last birthday

 

I got my car and went home and didnt speak to him for months... but i would always go back out to dinner whatever with him... what is wrong with me?

 

Why didnt i do anything after that night?

 

why am i only doing something now?

 

The police see his point of view and say that i got the restraining order to use whenever i feel like it, but i use him for everything else...

 

 

Is it worth talking to the police? i hate having to justify why i did this or that... its hard to explain unless you were there and no one knows what his lies are like, and how he manipulates me... the keys and cards are only a minor example of what he has done... but why do i keep talking to him and going back out for dinner with him...

 

The only logic i have is in the past he has threatened to destroy me if ever break up with him... he completely flies off the rails if i ever try to get him out of my life... you have no idea what its like... that i just try and maintain a "friendship" with him because its easier than breaking up with him

 

My family didnt know we were seeing each other and i was always terrified of my mother finding out, and my family because they love me so much and have done so much for me in the past that i would be really hurting them... and once when i tried to break up with him my mother received an email supposedly sent by his mother demanding my couch and television... which are all mine saying that he bought them for me and i have a long history of mental problems and he has only ever tried ot look after me and take care of me... it was awful.

 

He tells everyone i am insane and have all these problems.

 

One night on a friday night i went to a bar with some people from work, in a different area other than where i normally go to, I have 112 missed calls from him. and about 58 messages,. I turned my phone off, whenever i would turn it back the phone would not stop beeping from more messages, and he would be calling within 20 seconds of turning the phone on. After a while i said goodbye to my friends in the bar and walked out and he was standing right in front of me.

 

I just freaked out, how did he know where i was? I told him to go away and turned around and started walking to which he was following me he kept forcing me to hold his hand, i started running and he was chasing me, saying please just talk to him, i just kept screaming go away, i was so scared, and running and whenever i stopped he was right behind me, i had high heels on, and took them off and was running bare foot down this city street, I am a runner and was running as hard as i could, about 3 blocks away i stop and he was right there, i turned around threw my shoes at him and then ran into a bar, i was so scared i found a corner and was sitting on the floor where he couldnt see me through the windows... the bouncer came up and asked me what was wrong, I told him, three bouncers went outside to tell him to go away, one of them got a taxi for me and helped me into the cab, the time it took to walk from the bar to the cab he kept trying to force himself past the bouncers to get to me, he was telling them i had mental problems and she always does this and he said look she even dropped her shoes, here let me give them to her, I was crying and just wanted him to go away.

 

That night i couldnt sleep he kept bashing on the door of my apartment, he even pushed his credit card under the door saying use it and go buy myself something, i opened the door and threw the card away and he kept trying to put it back under the door, I threw it off my balcony in the end. He wouldnt leave my apartment he had a spare key and tried to bash the chain off the door, i was just yelling at him to go away, i was standing there just praying the door chain would hold, he said he wasnt go to leave my apartment until i talk to him, he was kicking the door, it was awful. He kept asking why i was loosing it every time i see him, that he was concerned about me and wanted to help ,e, he was so worried about me and why i was going crazy etc etc. At about 2pm in the afternoon i called the police.

 

While i was still talking to the police he was sending text messages to me. It was about an hour after the police left that he said he will go home as its obvious i dont want to speak to him...

 

Thats when the restraining order was applied for.

 

I cant explain to anyone why i saw him and what i was doing... i just think it was because i knew if i tried to get away from him i would have dramas like these examples forever... before i tried to break up with him ages ago he sent flowers to my office daily and kept turning up everywhere i was, he just doesnt stop.

 

I cant explain that to anyone.

 

I dont think i can explain it to the police.

 

I dont know what to do.

[DN]

I think you need to seek help either from a battered women's advice centre or from a lawyer or both.

 

There are many problems here and you need both personal and legal assistance.

 

If you need help locating that assistance pm me with the city you live in and I will try to find something for you.

[nottoogreen]

Chloe,

 

I am with DN, you want to get help. You have to work on your self esteem too.

 

You have to break your dependency on him. You must realize how manipulative he is and how much he hurt you.

 

Please read this twice or thrice: link removed

[Beyondthesea]

Definitely get help. You really don't need to deal with this. You have tried to get rid of him to the best of your abilities.

 

If I were you, I would move if you want to. However, I would definitely resolve this whole issue first. You need a clean slate from this guy.

[birdgirl]

Don't bother trying to explain it, it's impossible. I'm having similar problems breaking away from my ex and I can't even understand it, let alone explain it. I got back together with him because I figured it was easier to be on his good side. I was afraid to leave because of what I thought he might do to me. I was scared he would kill me or kill himself and blame me.

 

I finally left, through the help of my friends. He told me a few days ago that he would leave me alone if I would stop responding to him. I expect to hear from him again. I hope I can be strong enough not to respond. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I can't ignore it. Obviously I don't want it to stop, because if I did, I would not answer him.

 

You just need to be relentless with the police. Unfortunately, it looks bad if you go out to dinner with him and then try to press the issue of the restraining order. I understand why you do it because I do the same things, but unfortunately, the police don't understand.

 

I almost wrote, "If you want him to go away, you have to stop responding to him" but then I realized I am such a hypocrite!

 

It's hard.

[Beyondthesea]

My ex always said "if only you'll meet me here/talk to me now/do whatever I want, I will leave you alone." Whenever I did those things, more demands were made.

 

The more you contact them/talk to them, the more they follow you. I refused every single contact with my ex. He would leave me provoking messages and emails and all sorts of nonesense and I ignored it all. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I walked out with the last laugh regardless of what he thinks.