Is this abuse?

[enuff4me]

Hi all,

 

This is a bit embarrasing but here goes.

 

Not long after i first met my fiance 2 years ago, we went to the pub and had a fantastic night out. We were walking back to my house and as a bit of fun she pushed me into a hedge, i fell through the hedge and as you can imagine it was all very comical and we had a good giggle. Further up the road i gave her a shove into a hedge but kept hold of her hand so she didn't fall (once is funny, and all that). Anyway i cannot recall how or why but as soon as we got in my house BOOM!! I faced a torrent of verbal abuse as she accused me of showing her up, calling her names etc etc. As the torrent got louder and nastier i started to get in a rage shouting back. I am a very placid man and have never been like that before.

 

The following day she reacted as if it was all my fault that we had a huge row and everything i said was turned around and i actually felt guilty and apologised. This happens every time.

 

This sort of thing has happened six times in 2 years. On one occasion she punched me and on another headbutted me causing my nose to bleed.

 

It's always when we have been out, especially when she has been drinking heavily.

 

I would be most grateful for any comments

 

Dave

[NKP]

Ask her to stop drinking, shes only hurting you, if she loves you she wll stop, no one has to be treated like this

[Lily04]

Yes, my dad does this except much much worse to my mom.

 

I think you should communicate to her how you feel... whether it's categorized as "abuse" or not, if it's disturbing you & questioning your relationship, it deserves to be said.

 

Unfortunately my mom has been treated extremely unfortunately over years and she can't get up the courage to say anything or if she does, it's just abuse back... I don't want to see the same thing happen, so it's better to be cautious & just try to work things out. If she refuses to change, then maybe breaking up would be for the best... even though he's my father, I wish many times for my mom's sake that she would have gotten a divorce.

 

G'luck.

[itsallgrand]

I'm gonna get flak for this, but I'll say it anyways...

 

Don't set yourself up to be a victim here. Abuse? Could very well be - no one should have to put up with a fiance who headbutts til your nose bleeds, or punches you in the face.

 

On the other hand - why didn't you do something earlier? Why are you still with her?

 

"I love her" blah blah blah. What about loving yourself?

 

She sounds like a nasty drunk. (meaning: when she gets drunk she gets nasty). Do you two spend a lot of social time at the pub or drinking? Is it part of your lifestyle?

 

You could ask her to stop drinking and see how things go there. Strongly suggest not marrying her unless/until this gets worked out.

 

Please do not allow yourself to be a victim. Do not tolerate or allow this to happen even one more time. REFUSE to be around her if she drinks.

 

good luck.

[Lady Bugg]

I would consider this VERY abusive. First..it's physical assault.

That along with verbal assault.

Yes it's a woman doing it but so what??

Its STILL abusive. She sounds like a mean drunk...

Does she ever feel remorseful after these episodes or does she

continue to blame you?

 

The fact that you're asking if this is abuse should answer your own question

[tylercdurden2004]

It is abuse. At least the physical part. In so much as what says to you I think thats something you can communicate to her that you find totally unacceptable. The physical part is another matter all together. No one should ever lay a hand on someone unless its for good reason (self defence, to prevent harm to another). Just because she is a woman and you are a man makes it no more acceptable. In fact I am sure if your genders were switched you would be getting more responses and a lot stronger responses.

 

Personally I would lay down an ultimatum at this point. I would tell her to get help and if it happens again, you walk. Think about any future children you may have and what they may have to endure. Is this the woman you want raising your children? I would also report this to someone, not necessarily the police at this point but certainly a therapist or councellor. Consider it a bit of CYA as in the future if she were to get violent again and you had to defend yourself it could get messy. If the police get involved in a situation like this guess who they are goign to believe? Not you.

 

Physical violence is never ok no matter the gender that commits it.

[enuff4me]

Thanx guys. A lot of extremely good advice.

 

To answer itsallgrand. I have always been a pub man (but not a drunkard), so yes it is part of my lifestyle.And yes 'i love her' but i think you have told it straight.

 

I think i might have to call the relationship a day after reading all this advice, i think any effort on her part would be merely token. God i feel heartbroken!

 

Dave

[tylercdurden2004]

Thanx guys. A lot of extremely good advice.

 

To answer itsallgrand. I have always been a pub man (but not a drunkard), so yes it is part of my lifestyle.And yes 'i love her' but i think you have told it straight.

 

I think i might have to call the relationship a day after reading all this advice, i think any effort on her part would be merely token. God i feel heartbroken!

 

Dave

 

I think you are most likely making the right decision at thsi point. You can say to her "when you sort out your issues give me a call until then."

 

As for the pub you shouldnt have to change your lifestyle because she is unable to deal with life. Again the physical violence is totally unacceptable. I suspect whether you are drinking with her it will not stop there, the drinking aspect to me is irrelevant because even if she were to stop drinking and never physically harm you again the underlying issue of why she is violent in the first place is not resolved.

 

I to like the pub and I do not drink with eejits who like to cause trouble like this. And for good measure I do not associate with them in the "sober world." Drinking is never an excuse for ones actions. Quite frankly a girl like this would be out the door before she could say "another pint please".

 

Good luck.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Tyler, and that is why I asked whether it is a part of your lifestyle.

Being with someone should not be a huge sacrifice, nor should we put up with abuse.

 

I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling right now. I think you know what is best for yourself, and it seems like this is something you have been thinking about for a long time.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Once the initial pain subsides, I do believe things will be much better for you. You will know that you have done the right thing for yourself.

[enuff4me]

Thanx again guys,

 

I must admit i felt rather emasculated by posting about this, but you guys have given me a lot of strength and for that i thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.

 

Good luck to all, especially to those less fortunate than I

 

Thanx

Dave

[yeawutever]

Yes, it is abuse, doesn't matter if it's a man or woman doing it. You should end the relation. However, if youd ecide to continue it, then she would have to get counseling and take anger manangement class, along with her alcohol problems.

[CluelessGuy321]

She head butted you!

 

xD