Shes Engaged!

[chris101]

Today marks the 2nd month anniversary of me and my g/f. My g/f is engaged to a guy she cant stand and does not wish to marry. When she accepted the proposal of marriage, it was over 7 months ago and she just had a trumatic experience where she was in a vunerable state.

She has been in the situation of not loving this guy before I came onto the scene.

I have known her for 3 months and out of them 3 months I have been going out with her for 2 months.

I really think shes a brilliant person, who ive gotten to really care for in real short time.

The guy she is engaged to, lives on the other side of the world (they havnt been in each others presense since hes proposal).

The guy is adored by her family and is a close family friend.

 

I really want this girl but she doesnt know what to do.

She doesnt want to marry him but she is stuck as her family do.

She has once tried to get out of the marriage but her family put it down to problems couples go through and to give it time (this was before I knew her).

So now, in a month, she is going back home where she will see her family. She will try to explain the situation and see what the outcome is.

She said if her family were not happy, she would sacrifice her own to make her family happy.

There is 1 month left and she has promised me she will make a decission before she is back with me.

 

Do I wait and carry on chatting to her or avoid all contact until she has made her decission?

[yeawutever]

I would go for the second option. Avoid all contact with her and not until she has made her decision clearly, then you can start dating her again. One part I don't get is how can she be your g/f when there's another guy she's engage too, it's not good that you're being held in second place. Afterall she's old enough to decide what she wants, no one controls her decision over who she should marry and who not to marry.

 

[candywor]

Avoid her until she makes the decision, but let her know that you are open to contact once she breaks off her engagement. This is a recipe for hurt on your part. She engaged. Obviously if she does not care to be with that person, common sense will make her break it off, that is the rest of her life after all, until then do not believe what she says.

 

Action speaks louder than words

[Meow18]

I agree with Aileac. You deserve better than what she can offer you right now.

 

She's basically cheating on her current boyfriend/fiance. If she REALLY didn't want to be with him, she wouldn't be. There's no reason for her to stay with him if she doesn't want to. Her using her family as an excuse is just an excuse.

 

Honestly, lets just say that she never breaks off the engagement, and she ends up marrying him. Will you still be with her then? Would it be fun going behind everyone's back to see a married woman?

 

I would wait until she breaks things off. Then you can have the relationship you deserve with her.

[CarterJonas]

I would leave her be until she makes up her mind. I wouldn't let her be your girlfriend while she has another fiancée. Sometimes we all have to stand up and make difficult decisions.

[Iceman26]

I really want this girl but she doesnt know what to do.

She doesnt want to marry him but she is stuck as her family do.

She has once tried to get out of the marriage but her family put it down to problems couples go through and to give it time (this was before I knew her).

So now, in a month, she is going back home where she will see her family. She will try to explain the situation and see what the outcome is.

She said if her family were not happy, she would sacrifice her own to make her family happy.

There is 1 month left and she has promised me she will make a decission before she is back with me.

 

Do I wait and carry on chatting to her or avoid all contact until she has made her decission?

 

1) Why commit to a man that you don't love, and why put him through a marriage where he isn't loved back in return?

2) If her family cares about her, they will want her to be happy.

 

I think being with anyone whose family has that kind of power of their life is asking for heartbreak and I would cut contact with her.

[lady00]

I think she is making excuses. People break up all the time...people leave bfs and gfs that their families like or have grown to love. Because they put their happiness above the bonds formed by their families and significant others. If she really wanted to end the engagement, she would. I think it's a fair ultimatum for you to put to her: break off the engagement or I'm gone. Honestly, her reasons for staying engaged make it sound more like she herself is confused about what she wants, not that she can't bear to see her family upset...they'll get over the broken engagement even if it takes some time. They would probably have a much harder time dealing with the inevitable divorce (if she actually were to go through with the wedding).

[Dako]

I'd say goodibye.

If you stick with her, there's bound to be more drama than what you see now.

[chris101]

The thing is she isnt making excuses as ive been there with her and she has tried to get her fiance to break it off with her. Shes tried to be really cold twice infront of me and he just didnt give up.

Her family are asian and very strict in terms of who she marries. Her older sister couldnt marry this guy she loved as he was from a different cast.

Her family also have another problem with her brother having some sort of disorder which has majorly effected her family.

She has already once lost her dads trust by messing up her exams and her dad blamed a guy for that and ended up loosing the closeness they once have. She is desperately trying to get that closeness back and by completeing her degree and doing what pleases them she feels this is the only way.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Chris - because this is a cultural thing, it's really hard to advise you like I would someone of a different culture.

 

One thing is universal and that is pain.

 

I'm sorry for yours. She has GOT to decide and until she does you will remain in pain.

 

You'll have to either distance yourself from her and her situation so you can heal, or stick it out until she marries the other guy or chooses you.

[Dako]

If you want to get further involved, do you want a woman who's controlled by her family's restrictive rules, or date somone who goes along with it? What if you ever want to marry her and her folks forbid it?

Maybe you can handle all that, and you're a better man than I, but I'd give it some thought. I've suffered the lash of a controlling mother in law, and don't recommend it.

[chris101]

Shes been away for the past 2 weeks and for a further month or so. We chat everyday on the phone about normal things and stuff. Do you think knowing her situation due to culture and our situation being apart physically it would be ok to carry on until shes confronted her family which in in less then 3 weeks.

[Dako]

If you really think she's going to deal with her situation, it may be worth it, but I'd be wary until she makes a choice.

I hope it goes your way.

[chris101]

If you really think she's going to deal with her situation, it may be worth it, but I'd be wary until she makes a choice.

I hope it goes your way.

 

Im definatly wary, I will just take each day lightly as its always at the back of my head so its stopping us both getting deep.

Thanx for the help.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Im definatly wary, I will just take each day lightly as its always at the back of my head so its stopping us both getting deep.

Thanx for the help.

 

 

Good call Chris. I really agree this is your best bet. I really do wish you the best....

[chris101]

Last night before she went to sleep we discussed the issue further. I asked her realisticly whats the chances your parents will allow the break up. She said she would assume 60% they wouldn't and 40% they would.

I then said I dont know what we should do maybe we should stop talking and then there was allot of silence. Before she went we had some jokes and then said we would talk tomorrow.

She also mentioned how if she was to break up with me and then in the future break up with her fiance, she would of regret breaking up with me.

 

Anyway she normally tends to call or text everyday in the morning or afternoon. This is the first time she hasnt texted or called since the start of the relationship (from what I remmeber).

I am not going to call or text until she does but should this be acted upon as shes giving me an indication that shes backing off or just take it as shes busy?

[Iceman26]

I am not going to call or text until she does but should this be acted upon as shes giving me an indication that shes backing off or just take it as shes busy?

 

Honestly man, no one can tell you the answer to that. It would all be speculation.

 

If you do call her, tell her you want to be with her, but until she handles her business, its all on her whether you guys have a future or not. Tell her how you feel about her and that you will be looking forward to hearing from her once she has straightened out her situation.

[chris101]

Honestly man, no one can tell you the answer to that. It would all be speculation.

 

If you do call her, tell her you want to be with her, but until she handles her business, its all on her whether you guys have a future or not. Tell her how you feel about her and that you will be looking forward to hearing from her once she has straightened out her situation.

 

I kind of screwed up, broke the trust and added her fiance on msn to find out exactly what was going on (as an anonomous person). I told her about it and I dont think theres a turning back now.

[chris101]

ok we have officially broken up. Probably wud of lead to this, funny thing is I think I fell in love with this girl but because of the past and her current situation I held on to her too tight which in return lead to this breakup.

[Iceman26]

ok we have officially broken up. Probably wud of lead to this, funny thing is I think I fell in love with this girl but because of the past and her current situation I held on to her too tight which in return lead to this breakup.

 

I am sorry this didn't work out for you Chris, but I believe in the long run you will be better off with someone not controlled by what their family demands, but what they want for their life and themselves.

 

From the way you described this girl, she sounded kinda shady. I wish you the best of luck.

[chris101]

I personally think we had no future in the long run but only short run but regardless of that I wanted it. In the end I pushed her away from me and thats whats hurting the most right now.

In reality the best move was to let her b and move on, so thats what will happen now, regardless if I wanted it to happen or not.

[chris101]

I personally think we had no future in the long run but only short run but regardless of that I wanted it. In the end I pushed her away from me and thats whats hurting the most right now.

In reality the best move was to let her b and move on, so thats what will happen now, regardless if I wanted it to happen or not.

 

I can't hack it, im asking her to stay with me and she does not want to be with me no more. She says 'its not about what she wants and she has to realisticly think about the future and her family'. I feel totaly hurt, I know its the right move to make but I still was asking her to be with me and stay with me but she had already made up her mind.

I couldn't stop asking her to be with me and its pathetic as im the one whos been taken for a ride here in a sense. Im hurting so much and I cant understand why as she was never mine.

I still want her and it makes no sense it was so patheitc as I was trying to find ways to make her pitty me in a sense and I was just acting so out of charachter.

I still want her but I lost all my pride in asking for her to be with me.

I feel so messed.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, let's go back a bit.

 

She was engaged and I believe she didn't tell you from the start, if she knew she couldn't break the engagement she shouldn't have been stringing you along.

Then, she lied to her fiance, and instead of breaking it off or being honest with him she treated him coldly, that's like trying to solve a math problem with no numbers involved, and I don't think the fiance deserved that.

 

There's also the parents, it's fine if they are controlling, but unless she was 14 it makes no sense she had to do what they said, or what the fiance said, if that was the case, why wouldn't she do what you said?.

 

And then she gets angry for something you did and makes you feel it's all your fault, you didn't lie, you don't have a fiancee, you are not the one stringing anybody along, why would the wrong one be you!?.

 

I think she worried about what the fiance was going to say to you, same as the family, if you could talk to them I believe they would give you a very different story but I think you already know this girl is full of contradictions and it's simply not going to work.

 

You say you also don't see it working in the long term, then let her be, let her marry the guy she (probably) is okay with being for the rest of her life, you have a life of your own and you have to pay attention to that one.

 

Just learn from this, avoid it from happening again, ask yourself how you ended in such a position and move forward.

[lady00]

Sorry things turned out that way. It's really her loss. Even if she isn't with you, it's clear she doesn't want to marry this man. Sacrificing one's happiness for others once in a while is one thing, and it's sometimes a noble thing, but marrying someone you don't want to marry to please other people is a huge mistake. I feel bad for her that her family is pressuring her in that way. Hopefully she will stick up for herself at some point.

[chris101]

Sorry things turned out that way. It's really her loss. Even if she isn't with you, it's clear she doesn't want to marry this man. Sacrificing one's happiness for others once in a while is one thing, and it's sometimes a noble thing, but marrying someone you don't want to marry to please other people is a huge mistake. I feel bad for her that her family is pressuring her in that way. Hopefully she will stick up for herself at some point.

 

I dont know what going on.

Last night we ended up speaking as I called her but was very brief and only about her night. She wanted to send me somthing through my friend who was in her country but didnt say what it was. I still dont know what it is as she didnt want to say and my friends left the country.

 

We spoke this morning as she texted me asking if I had called, which I hadnt but called anyway as texts cost and the calls are free. We spoke for a good 20mins about what she done in the morning and then she had to go.

I then called her to wake her up 2-3 hours later but the calls were about her family, new friends and what shes going to do soon.

 

I dont know whether this is a friendly chat now or were still close.

Before she left I asked if I should call later and she yeah we will chat later but in a low tone of voice. I don't know if its cause she just woke up and was feeling tired or because of our situation.

 

So I just called now as I wont be able to speak to her tomorrow as I dont have free mins any more. I asked if she was busy or doing anything and she was just kind of down and didnt say much. Then she said she was going to carry on lceaning and then get ready for dinner. I asked if she didnt mind me calling still, if shes ok with the situation and not feeling pressured or anything.

She said shes fine, so I said ill talk to you later.

Thing with her is shes been like this before this whole major trust outburt situation.

So I cant say whether its me or just her and her mood swings?