Commitment Issues

[lonestar_80]

Hello,

 

I have dated some guys that seemed to be the real deal but then they turned out to be something else. I just meet a new guy that was introduced to me by an acquaintance. This man seems to be really nice but when we talked about our past relationships he told me something that shocked me. He told me that he dated his last girlfriend for over 13 years and they never got married. This statement rubbed me the wrong way. How can a person date someone for so long and never marry them? Do you think that this man has commitment issues? I could not help but to feel sorry for this poor woman(13 years). How could she stay with someone for so long? He said that she wanted to get married but he did not want to. After 13 years the spark went away and he views her more like a sister rather than a lover/wife. Why would he waste her time?

 

Anyway my question is: should women be wary of men that date women for a long time but never marry them? He asked me out on another date, but I don't know if I want to go out with this guy again because I think he may have commitment issues.

[annie24]

hm. that is somewhat of a red flag. not that he's a committment phobe, but that if he lost his feelings for her, that he didn't leave earlier.

 

I think we've all heard of stories where a man is a "committment phobe" but then he marries the next girl within a few months. sometimes, it just takes the right woman to make a man want to commit. the right connection.

 

i don't see anything wrong with going on a few more dates and seeing how you feel about him.

[Scout]

Anyway my question is: should women be wary of men that date women for a long time but never marry them? He asked me out on another date, but I don't know if I want to go out with this guy again because I think he may have commitment issues.

 

Well...it's hard to say. On the one hand, if you want to get married, this does indicate he may not be the marrying type. On the other hand, he seems to be able to commit to an exclusive relationship...13 years is a long time to be with someone.

 

So, he sounds like he could commit to a relationship, but maybe not one that involves marriage.

[Batya33]

Was there any evidence that he held a gun to her head to get her to stay with him for all that time? Why is it all his fault?

[Managor]

Why is it all his fault?

 

Because he was the one opposing the marriage. To some people someone who only wants a girlfriend and no serious commitment is at least someone who it may be undesireable to have a relationship with. "fault" here isn't being discussed.

 

Anyway I agree with everything Annie said on this.

[RayKay]

I have seen many so called "commitment phobes" propose within months when they meet the one whom knocks their socks off.

 

I honestly don't really believe in "commitment phobia". I just believe in "fear of committing to the wrong person". I think we should all be a little more cautious of whom we get too seriously involved with honestly!

 

I would be more concerned if he led her on to believe he WAS going to marry her. However, if she knew he was not going to, and chose to stay with him, then that is another matter. It sounds like in that case he was perfectly happy with her staying as long as he did not take next step and as long as she was willing to stay there was no need for him to jump the ship.

 

Sometimes people stay together a long time because it's all they know, and don't have any way of knowing that it SHOULD feel different, or they fear moving on separately after so much time. It does not necessarily mean they will never commit, because most of the time they will do so when the time and person is right. I have known a couple men whom broke up with girlfriends after several years (8-10) whom they "thought" they wanted to be with but never could take that step to marriage for some "gut reason" and ended up ending the relationship. And a year or two later found themselves head over heels in love with their wives......

[lonestar_80]

Well, I really do not know if he gave her false hope. But by talking to him he sounds like he wants to be married and have kids one day. But I have heard that line before. So, maybe he led her to believe that they would get married one day (I don't really know). I guess I have lost trust in men due to a few bad relationships. So, I question everything that comes out of a man's mouth.

 

I have read in an article that if a man does not marry your after dating him for four years he is least likely to marry you. Many people have also said that if he does not propose after a one year to two years, you might as well leave him. I just can't help to feel sorry for this girl; I don't want to be in her shoes 13 years from now. When he told me that story I gasped, and told him that I would have broken up with him much sooner!

[annie24]

He also told me he is not interested in a committed relationship...and yet, his actions and words tell me otherwise. For example, I've already let him know I'm not interested in a fling, that I am interested in a serious, committment, monogamous relationship, and that I refuse to sleep with him anytime soon. He is still interested in me, still calls, etc. He talks about how he'll be single till he's 80 and in the same breath talk about how all his friends are getting married. He'll say he's married to his work, and then later on, talk about how he has everything and yet he has nothing.

 

I don't understand. if he said he is not interested in looking for a committment, then what are his words saying? I've found, in my experience, when a guy says he's not interested in a committment, he means it! even if he is calling you every week, asking you out in advance, and taking you out to nice places. maybe he just wants to have fun for a few months, nothing serious.

[lonestar_80]

Like you, lonestar, my heart fell when I heard this because he is everything I've always wanted in a man. I found this out on our fifth date....and immediately I felt like walking out the door.

 

He also told me he is not interested in a committed relationship...and yet, his actions and words tell me otherwise. For example, I've already let him know I'm not interested in a fling, that I am interested in a serious, commitment, monogamous relationship, and that I refuse to sleep with him anytime soon. He is still interested in me, still calls, etc. He talks about how he'll be single till he's 80 and in the same breath talk about how all his friends are getting married. He'll say he's married to his work, and then later on, talk about how he has everything and yet he has nothing.

 

Hi, thanks for posting. I am still trying to figure things out with this guy. My guy did not say that he was not looking for a commitment or a long term relationship. He said that he did not want one with his ex. He wants to get married and have kids etc. However, I don't know if he is for real or is just playing games. I have met a lot of guys that love to play games just to get a woman into bed.

 

So, I think you are doing the right thing by not sleeping with this guy. I got played a few months ago with a guy that was just a sweet talker. So, I really do not trust anything that comes out of men's mouths these days. It sounds like your guy is open an honest with what he wants. I do not think he is playing games with you. It sounds like all he is looking for is a fling or a relationship that will never lead to marriage. He said he does not want to get married. That is a real risky move for him to make. Most men know that most women want marriage, so the try to play into that fantasy without really wanting that goal for themselves. My mom said that when a man tells you or shows you who he really is believe him. This guy has told you that he is not interested in a committed relationship. So, in my opinion I do not think that it would be wise to date a man that admittedly said that he does not want to get married. I would not try to play games and see if I could get him to change his mind. But do what is best for you. I wish you the best!

[Momene]

Agree that a long period of dating without getting married is a red flag but is's different if you started dating at a very young age. Not many people are in a position to get married before their mid 20s because of job/study/income issues.